Guardians Of Our Heart

Dear Caleb,

 I can tell that it is the 25th, because my emotions are very tender. Easter was such a beautiful time and ever so special, as we were able to set aside a day to remember the very blessings that we desire- which was made possible that very day from our Saviour Jesus Christ. The promised blessings to be granted eternal life, the joy and longing in our heart to be together again. The aching is still one of much sorrow, but the bitterness is lifting, as we align our hearts to the will of our Father. It is not an easy thing to do, and with all actuality it is easier said then done, but the blessings that our promised to those that endure and at least try... we will see that it will all be worth it at the end.

I love the words in Psalms 34:18, "The Lord is nigh unto then that are of a broken heart." When I am bowed down with grief and physical pain that reminds me of unpleasant circumstances, it is through the small tender mercies of the Lord that I am told that I am loved and not forgotten, nor forsaken. And I often stop and ask myself, "Why does he who is so perfect love me, when I am so far from perfection?" It amazes me that this loving God allows us to be the guardians of our own heart. That it is given to us of our own free will to open our heart to his spirit. His love is overflowing for us, however, he will not force his love upon us, nor force us to partake of his goodness.  We literally choose what we let in and what we let out.

I know that God is good, and that he is Faithful, so why do I at times let in anger and fear to run amuck in my heart. I often tell myself, "Tanya you have faith in Jesus Christ, everything is going to work at in the end, just keep it together..... just hold on...."

I recently met with the Bishop in our ward. Such a wonderful man of God he his, filled with the spirit and wisdom of the Lord. We talked much about Faith, and he asked me, "What is the first thing that comes to our minds when we talk about Faith"? I said, "Faith in Jesus Christ". He said, "Yes, Faith in his atonement and all that he came to do, but that is only part of it". I was puzzled at first, but then he continued and said, "The other part is Faith in ourselves." Faith that we will do what a loving Father in Heaven has for us to do, and knows what we can accomplish. I had such an overwhelming feeling that filled my body, where the spirit spoke to my mind and heart and said, "Tanya you need to have faith in yourself!" I can easily say that I have faith in Jesus Christ, but if you ask me if I have faith in myself?? Now, this is much more difficult for me to answer.

Did the Bishop know that I needed to hear those very words? NO. But, God did. God used a very special person that I knew and trusted to help me hear these very words to be reminded of his love for me. How beautiful that moment was to know that God knew specifically of my inner struggles of feeling adequate to the task of continuing my life in mortality. The fears I live each day feeling that i do not measure up to what my family needs or deserves from a wife and mother. The fear of letting them down again constantly haunting my mind and causing me to fear and loose faith in myself over and over again.

Too often have I crowded my heart of my own free will with things of fear and doubt that have kept me from truly feeling more of the love that God tenderly has for me. It is only myself that has kept me from being closer to him, and to you Caleb. I used to think that there was a physical veil that separated us from one another, but as it is said in 2 Corinthians 3: 15, "But even unto this day... the vail is upon their heart." If I can keep my heart aligned with Jesus Christ, PLUS with having faith in myself, I know that there will be nothing to separate us. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8: 35, 37-39)

I love you Caleb, may our hearts stay strong til we meet again.

Love Your Mommy

April 2010 Memories Part 1

April 1st- Liahona remembers how talented Caleb was to make really cool sounds with his mouth like a machine gun. She remembers how caleb would try to teach Mom, but Mom could never do it. And it would make everyone laugh.
April 1st- Laihona remembers how Caleb always wanted to so camping in the backyard. She remembers sleeping in it once in our backyard. And another time dad was washing it off and there were spiders in it and Caleb was squishing them.
April 1st- One our 1st family campout in the backyard dad got out the small BBQ and we roasted marshmellows on it. Caleb said, "Where;s the playground?" And dad said "the trampoline." And Liahona and Caleb said "Okay" and went to go jump on the trampoline then Mom and Dad came too. We had a nice family jump for 30 mins or so. Then at night Mom told us a story, then we all went to sleep. In the morning mom gave us pop tarts for breakfast. They asked if they could sleep in the tent again? And mom and Dad said No because we needed to take Montey and Dad had to do an evening shift for school. So we all helped Dad take it down.
April 1st- Mom remembers at night after the kids would get tucked into bed, if Caleb or Liahona wanted something they would sent Tamara out to ask because she would get introuble and not them.
April 2nd- Mom remembers how Caleb did not like having anything close to near his night light because he thought that everything would catch on fire.
April 3rd- The girls remember how excited Caleb would get about Easter and the Easter bunny. And how he would want to play easter with the plastic eggs.
April 3rd- Dad remembers how Caleb would not move things around or pick things up when he was trying to find his easter basket. He would just walk about looking around here and there and he would get really upset if he was the last one to find his easter basket like last year 2009.
April 3rd-Mom remembers how Caleb would eat almost al of his candy once he found his easter basket in the morning before breakfast. THen throughout the week he would get his sisters to share their candy with him because his candy would be the 1st to be all gone.
April 3rd- Liahona remembers when in OR Tamara was sitting in timeout Mom would ask her do you want to come off time out and she would say No(meaning yes) And her and Caleb were sitting on the bottom stairs giggling cuz she kept saying No, instead of Yes. THen finally she said Yes that we was ready to come off time out.
Then another time when she was scratching people she went to time out and Mom said do we scratch and she said Yes, then Liahona dn Caleb laughed because she kept saying Yes instead of No. THen she finally said No that we don't scratch and she came off time out.
April 4th- Liahona remembers how she would race with Caleb home to beat Mom and Dad when we would take family walks or from visiting the Cosby's house.
April 4th- Tamara remembers while playing conference bingo how Caleb would help her find the words so she could color them in to get her special bingo treats.
April 4th- Mom remembers how Caleb would make Conference paper chain count down.
April 4th- Mom remembers how much Caleb loved to play conference bingo to earn his treats and would get a little upset if he was the last one to get black out bingo.
April4th- Mom remembers that Caleb's favorite part of the sound of music was at te end when the German soliders were after the Vontrap Family.
April 4th- Mom remembers how Caleb liked having conference doughnuts. He liked the chocolate doughnuts with vanilla pudding inside the best!
April 4th- Mom remembers how excited Caleb would get for conference.
April 5th- Liahona remembers how Caleb would call the quick disney clips 'Brain O' Brain' instead of it's real name 'Brian O' Brian.
April 5th- Mom remembers when Caleb would get mad he would gnash his teeth together and squeeze people.
April 5th- Mom remembers when Caleb would get excited he would jump up and down and somtimes would grind his teeth together.
April 6th- Mom remembers how Caleb would speak high pitch baby talk to Montey. And would say, "Hi Montey, you want to get out?" as he took Montey out of his crib.
April 6th- Dad remembers how good Caleb was with setting up the comupter games, game cube, tv cords in order to get things to turn on and work. He would rarely need adult help.
April 7th- Liahona remembers how Caleb would make fun of how she would turn her game controller in stead of keeping it straight out in front of her.
April 7th- Liahona remembers how Caleb like to skid and slide in his cart on corners whilf playing mario cart, he was really good at it too.
April 7th- Dad remembers how Caleb would always get that extra boost at the beginning of Sonic and Mario Cart gamecube games.
April 7th- Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would play charades with their vitamins. They would look to see what their vitamin guy was doing and would act it out to see it they could guess each others vitamin characters actions. EX: If Liahona's was playing soccer she would say it's a sport and pretend to kick a ball. And Caleb would then guess until he said soccer. Then they would switch.
April 7th- Liahona remembers her and Caleb secret to the battle games, how they would place a banana right at the doorways.
April 8th- Liahona remembers how Caleb taught her to drink through the straw of the cup while you fill it up at the water spout on the fridge.
April 8th- Liahona remembers how frusterated Caleb would get when Mom would tell him the word that he was stuck on at reading time, because he wouldnot want help. He would say ,"MOM" and grunt out irritation.
April 8th- Liahona remembers how Caleb taught her on the rollercoaster game how to make it night and day and how to get fireworks.
April 9th- Mom remembers how Caleb would always beat her on mario cart and come in 1st.
April 9th- Dad remembers how Caleb would get a little hyper and upset when dad would come in first place on mario cart, when he would come in second place right behind dad.
April 9th- Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would come in 1st and 2nd when they would play mario cart together. And how sometimes she would come in 1st and beat caleb. He would say, "Oh I was suppose to come in 1st. Well at least I came in 2nd." and he wouls say after Liahona came in 1st, "I want to play a battle not."
April 9th- Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would collect small flat pieces of bark an would paint them, And use them for their cars to surf on.
April 9th- Liahona remembers sleeping at a hotel as a family and that Caleb fell off the bed. Mom woke up to the noise and said Caleb are you Ok, but he did not answer. So mom just picked him up and put him back in bed. Then asked him in the morning if he was ok from falling off the bed last night. And he said he didnot remember Abd that he was just fine.
April 9th- Dad remembers playing in the backyard with Caleb playing catch. But Caleb only wanted to play a game of one on one baseball. And after Dad said No for 10 mintues while playing catch back n' forth, dad finally gave in and played a one on one baseball game. And Caleb said "YEA!"
April 10- Liahona remember how her and Caleb would get out a chair and put cups of water on it to sell.
April 10- Liahona remembers that when her or Caleb would go toot toots they would say, "Now I have  lots of energy." And they would run down the hallway.

Feelings of Blessedness

Dear Caleb,

Another month, another post to reflect upon what I have learned this past month, of how I can: be better, do better, and heal better. I often think about the false idea of many, that think that after losing a loved one you can with time, 'Move On' and somehow miraculously be healed! When I come across these people I like to take a moment to explain my new perspective with them. I tell them, We are bodies are like a car. A car requires 4 wheels fully filled properly to drive smoothly without complications. When one looses a loved one, it is like one of our tires pop, it will never be filled again. It makes it very difficult to move with a flat tire: it swerves, it jerks, it's unstable at times... but it can still work. However, it will never be able to move at the pace that it once was used to going. So that individual or family, now need to understand how to move forward with a flat tire. It is not easy, but it is possible. So it is not through time that heals, it is learning to adjust and trying to be content with the unfavorable that they are actually seeing in our eyes.

Tough, tough, tough it was climbing out of this depression since Christmas. The Lord never ceases to amaze me. Right when I feel that I am at wits end, I am always blessed with a strong and powerful message that perks me up and gets me moving forward again. I still had difficulties with answering such basic questions like, "How are you doing?" "How are things?" "How are you feeling?" I almost instantly freeze and get lost for words- then not wanting to be rude I quickly blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Which has always be something like: fair, ok, been better... Then I walk away feeling just awkward, still feeling puzzled with what is the correct thing to answer. I now know what to say, this was the powerful message that helped me to see so much more clearly this month, in knowing how one can still find this "Joy" that has seemed to disappear from our family's life.

As a family we were reading scriptures of the time when Christ was teaching the BeAttitudes in Matthew chapter 5. Later that day I was reading a message from President Harold B Lee about this chapter on Christ's teachings. He said," The word blessed is used many times in these verses. Blessedness is defined as being higher than happiness. Happiness comes from without and is dependent on circumstances; blessedness is an inward fountain of joy in the soul itself, which no outward circumstances can seriously affect."

After reading those words I finally understood why I have been feeling the conflict when asked those basic questions, "How are you?" All my life I would immediately think about all the outward circumstances: if I didn't wake up with a migraine, if I got a full nights rest, if the kids didn't make me pull out my hair; I would answer, "Great, Good, Wonderful." If I woke up to screaming kids all night long, if the kids wouldn't cooperate as we were rushing to get them to school, if I broke a tooth; I would answer, "Surviving, Terrible, Going Crazy." And seeing that my outward circumstances are always going to be unfavorable without you here I have been answering with, "Fair, OK," but never good or great. The awkwardness that I feel every time I answer is the spirit telling me you are wrong! Because inwardly Caleb, I am doing great, our family is doing wonderful. So for me to say less than that, I was and have only been lying to myself. Though we will never be good and wonderful outwardly, we know that it is only inwardly that we can experience this feeling of blessedness, this inner joy, that no outward happiness can even compare too.
Though our culture only responds with the outwardly circumstances, I know that I can only answer inwardly if I am to be honest with myself. For I have to focus on the better way since Blessedness is higher then happiness. Caleb, I can now say that I finally can answer others correctly when I am asked the used to be dreaded question, "How are you," for I answer with, "Blessedness Thank You".

I honestly could not move an inch on this path if it weren't for a loving Father in Heaven to guide us and help us each day. As difficult and bitter this journey has been, it has been an honor to be taught so personally from his loving hand. Each day is a struggle. Each day is a gift. Oh how we know that his promises are TRUE, and we are going to prove our worthiness even if we end up coming home hunched over, and covered with physical and spiritual battle wounds. We will not give up til we receive the promised blessing of being together again.

We SO LOVE YOU Caleb.
Love Your Mommy

March Memories (Part 1 made in 2009)

March 1st: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to have me drive in the BIG puddles of water after it rained he would say, "Mom hit that puddle," or " Mom get that puddle."

March 1st: Dad remembers how cold Caleb would get after swimming. And how he liked to take nice long warm showers in the changing rooms.

March 1st: Tamara remembers how Caleb would hide himself inside the lockers of the 'Y' changing room. And how they would play hide'n'seek with them.

March 1st: Dad remembers how Caleb loved to go and play in the game room at the 'Y.' And how Caleb would ask to play a round of Table soccer or ping pong with him.

March 2: Liahona remembers at the library how Caleb would always see who would get the biggest receipt from checking out the most library books.

March 2nd: Mom remembers how Caleb would always ask to play the computer games at the library.

March 2nd: Mom remembers how excited Caleb got when we found the big section of Cam Jensen Books in the library for him to browse through and look for a new Cam Jensen book to read.

March 2nd: Tamara remembers counting the nests in the trees during the winter time. And when they would see one they would yell "NEST!" And say Wow there are a lot of nestesses.

March 2nd: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would count the American flags when they were riding in the van or car.

March 3rd: Liahona remembers playing in Campbell's nursery barn behind house next to the pond. And bring found items back to yard to build a fort with.

March 3rd: Liahona remembers how excited Caleb got when Dad drove on the dirt road in Campbell's Nursery to get home the back way one day.

March 3: liahona remember how her and Caleb liked to go on a scavenger hunt in the back yard and bring home items found like: sticks, rope, metal, wires, and a tire that we still have for our tire swing.

Mach 3: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb loved to catch frogs and toads especially the baby ones in the spring.

March 3: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would mow the lawn under the trampoline with using their scissors. And would cut and cut away.

March 4: liahona remember how her and Caleb would take the small flags from off the lawns of others to play with.

March 4: Dad remembers how Caleb loved to eat grapefruit. Especially when there was lots of brown sugar on it.

March 4: liahona remembers how Caleb talked her into giving him 2 dollars to help pay and buy his Koi Fish, because he did not have enough money.

March 4: Mom remembers how Caleb could blow up balloons but could not tie them. It would make his face turn bright red as he blew up the balloon. The girls that this was really funny.

March 4: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to run downstairs to the laundry room with his sister after a toilet was flushed of bath tub being drained to hear the water draining through the pipes. They would think the sound was so cool to listen too, and funny to hear.

March 5: Liahona remembers once getting mad at Tamara on the trampoline with Caleb and how they both took a little nap on the trampoline because they were mad.

March 5: Liahona remembers when Caleb would do his Art and Drawings that he would usually just use pencil because he did not like art and didn't like doing it for too long.

March 5: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to read Cam Jensen books and say "click" like Cam would.

March 5: Liahona remembers doing the hidden pictures in the friend magazine with Caleb on Sundays during sacrament meeting.

March 5: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb once saw a bees nest inside the Campbell's Nursery Barn behind our house when they went inside to explore.

March 5: The Girls remember when Caleb would get cold he would huddle his arms and hands closely together in the middle of his body right under his chin.

March 6: Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to take his webkinz on the webkinz vacations and how he liked to play the fish submarine game alot of the time while on the vacations.

March 7: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to play 'Ding'. And have a family 'Ding' game to help get out wiggles and extra energy.

March 7: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to make lists. Lists of what to do for the day, or lists for what sport game he would be playing and a list for all those who were planning on coming, and a list for what to do at their valentine's st Patrick's day and Halloween parties. He was all about making lists.

March 8: Liahona remembers how Caleb made a teeny tinny pencil to use and write with at school that he liked to use.

March 8: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to climb on this one tree in the parking lot of the 'Y' as we walked toward the front of the 'y' entrance for PE time. And he got his sister to swing on the tree branch with him too.

March8: Liahona remembers Caleb telling her that when he was in public school kindergarten that when he colored he had to color within the lines.

March 8: Mom remembers how Caleb and Liahona would do a chest bump on the song 'Pharaoh, Pharaoh' by Billy Jonas.

March 9: Liahona remembers how Caleb always wanted a pet snake.

March 9: Liahona had a great dream about Caleb. Caleb came down and made cookies with sprinkles on them with her. Then they went outside to play while they waited for the cookies to be ready to eat. They rode bikes, played tag, played sardines, jumped on the trampoline, got things out from the garage to build a fort, then they came inside to eat cookies. And they saved some for the Drapers and we met them at the castle park and played with the Drapers and shared our cookies with them (It was summer time says Honi.)

March 9: Liahona remembers how at lunch time or snack time her and Caleb would pretend to eat something not good for your body like coffee and act all sluggish then he would eat his fruit or vegs and then it would make his body happy and healthy with energy and would run around the table, and room.

March 9: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would pretend that their eyes would turn colors like on cartoons when they would eat something spicy they would say their eyes are red and bounce back and forth, because the food was HOT!

March 9: Liahona remembers singing and dancing around with Caleb to the song, 'Who let the dogs out, Who Who WHO..." and Mom would say "I let the dogs out." Then they would make up their own verses to the song using different animals, like "Who let the horses out? Who Who Who?" etc And sometimes they would change the tune and different words but still using different animals.

March 9: Liahona remembers when driving in the van and mom would be eating a banana Caleb would say, "I smell a banana." or if she was eating a PB sandwich, he would say, "I smell Peanut Butter." He has a great sense of smell.

March 10: Tamara dreamed that Caleb came down and played puppies with her and Liahona. He said, "Why are there so many puppies?" And mom said, "because there is one for you, one for Liahona, one for Tamara, one for Montey, one for Dad and one for Mom."

March 10: Liahona remember how her and Caleb would tie shirts around their tummies and backs before they would go and fight dad, because that was their armor.

March 11: Tamara remembers that Caleb liked to eat hot cereals for breakfast like Malt 'O'Meal. He liked oatmeal but enjoyed the packet oatmeal the best, like the kind we take camping.

March 12: Liahona remembers how her, Tamara and Caleb like the beginning part of the Disney movie 'The Emperor's New Groove' where the old man was thrown out the window and hanging on the curtain. And how Potshow walked underneath him and handed him his shoe and continued, then ran back after realizing the old mas was stuck and needed help down. They would laugh and laugh at that part.

March12: Liahona remembers how Caleb loved to sing the "I wanna run" webkinz song of the part, "I just want to come in first" really loud, cuz he liked that part the most.

March 13: Mom remembers how reverent Caleb would act and be at church.

march 13: Mom remembers how Caleb would walk fast down the halls at church because he knew that running is not reverent nor ok to do on Sundays.

March 14: Mom remembers how Caleb liked having his webkinz go over to Liahona's and then he liked to play webkinz games against her like checkers and battleship.

March 14: liahona remembers how Caleb like the Primary cd song called, "I want to be a missionary now."

March 14: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb used the bottom bunk bed as a work out. By holding on th the upper beds wooden slats to do flips and pull ups.And would kick their legs up on the upper mattress and push it up and down for a leg work out.

March 15: Mom remembers when at the grocery store with Caleb he would often ask to buy string cheese, go-gurts, and the little yogurt fruit snacks.

March 15: Liahona and Tamara remembers playing around the pond in the backyard and how they found i whole egg and i cracked egg. And how they were trying to keep it away from the neighbor boy. And how Tamara accidentally stepped on it and the neighbor boy called Tamara mean names. But Caleb stood up for Tamara and called him mean names back and said, Don't listen to him Tamara." And walked back home with Tamara.

March 16: Liahona remembers playing a game that her and Caleb made up called 'Toilet.' They would sit on each others back with their clothes on and would then flush by pushing down on a plastic stick in the mouth of the one being the toilet. Then they would switch.

March 16: liahona remembers playing in the puddles of water with Caleb from the outside pipe that broke, which was bursting water inside the laundry room and in to the garage. Liahona saw Caleb playing in the water in the garage and said to Caleb, "Where is all that water coming from?" Caleb said, "I don't know," as he continued to jump in the water. Liahona said, "I'm going to tell Mom about this water." ans Caleb said to her, "No, I am having fun splashing."

March 16: Liahona remembers when the girls would be very loud Caleb out of the blue would put his finger to his mouth and say "Shhhhhhhhh!" very loud and hard that his whole head and body would shake.

March 16: liahona remembers how Caleb would pull all of his special rocks and items that he would find while hiking out to the mountains by a small tree, when he could not carry everything. And Liahona found them all and brought them home to wash and scrub clean, and keep safe for him.

March 17: The girls remember how they and Caleb would laugh at the end giving the webkinz a bath because the mirror would all fog up because that was funny to them.

March 17: Everyone remembers how Caleb loved Saint Patrick's Day! And how he wanted to have a Saint Patrick's Day Party so e had one March 2009.

March 17: Mom remembers how Caleb did not like his sandwiches folded in half the way Grandma Brooks made them.

March 17: Mom dreamed about Caleb. That he came back for us to raise him. Some people thought it was awkward to have him back on earth after they knew he already left once, but as his parents and family we didn't think so, we were super excited to have him back. Though we watched him like a hawk and took pictures of him every minute with fear of never knowing when he might be taken away again. We were happy to see him, and yet we were a little bit sad for him because things just weren't the same for him; his surrounding, his friends, everything had changed. Though we wanted so badly to help him be happy we didn't know exactly what to do.