Feelings of Blessedness

Dear Caleb,

Another month, another post to reflect upon what I have learned this past month, of how I can: be better, do better, and heal better. I often think about the false idea of many, that think that after losing a loved one you can with time, 'Move On' and somehow miraculously be healed! When I come across these people I like to take a moment to explain my new perspective with them. I tell them, We are bodies are like a car. A car requires 4 wheels fully filled properly to drive smoothly without complications. When one looses a loved one, it is like one of our tires pop, it will never be filled again. It makes it very difficult to move with a flat tire: it swerves, it jerks, it's unstable at times... but it can still work. However, it will never be able to move at the pace that it once was used to going. So that individual or family, now need to understand how to move forward with a flat tire. It is not easy, but it is possible. So it is not through time that heals, it is learning to adjust and trying to be content with the unfavorable that they are actually seeing in our eyes.

Tough, tough, tough it was climbing out of this depression since Christmas. The Lord never ceases to amaze me. Right when I feel that I am at wits end, I am always blessed with a strong and powerful message that perks me up and gets me moving forward again. I still had difficulties with answering such basic questions like, "How are you doing?" "How are things?" "How are you feeling?" I almost instantly freeze and get lost for words- then not wanting to be rude I quickly blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Which has always be something like: fair, ok, been better... Then I walk away feeling just awkward, still feeling puzzled with what is the correct thing to answer. I now know what to say, this was the powerful message that helped me to see so much more clearly this month, in knowing how one can still find this "Joy" that has seemed to disappear from our family's life.

As a family we were reading scriptures of the time when Christ was teaching the BeAttitudes in Matthew chapter 5. Later that day I was reading a message from President Harold B Lee about this chapter on Christ's teachings. He said," The word blessed is used many times in these verses. Blessedness is defined as being higher than happiness. Happiness comes from without and is dependent on circumstances; blessedness is an inward fountain of joy in the soul itself, which no outward circumstances can seriously affect."

After reading those words I finally understood why I have been feeling the conflict when asked those basic questions, "How are you?" All my life I would immediately think about all the outward circumstances: if I didn't wake up with a migraine, if I got a full nights rest, if the kids didn't make me pull out my hair; I would answer, "Great, Good, Wonderful." If I woke up to screaming kids all night long, if the kids wouldn't cooperate as we were rushing to get them to school, if I broke a tooth; I would answer, "Surviving, Terrible, Going Crazy." And seeing that my outward circumstances are always going to be unfavorable without you here I have been answering with, "Fair, OK," but never good or great. The awkwardness that I feel every time I answer is the spirit telling me you are wrong! Because inwardly Caleb, I am doing great, our family is doing wonderful. So for me to say less than that, I was and have only been lying to myself. Though we will never be good and wonderful outwardly, we know that it is only inwardly that we can experience this feeling of blessedness, this inner joy, that no outward happiness can even compare too.
Though our culture only responds with the outwardly circumstances, I know that I can only answer inwardly if I am to be honest with myself. For I have to focus on the better way since Blessedness is higher then happiness. Caleb, I can now say that I finally can answer others correctly when I am asked the used to be dreaded question, "How are you," for I answer with, "Blessedness Thank You".

I honestly could not move an inch on this path if it weren't for a loving Father in Heaven to guide us and help us each day. As difficult and bitter this journey has been, it has been an honor to be taught so personally from his loving hand. Each day is a struggle. Each day is a gift. Oh how we know that his promises are TRUE, and we are going to prove our worthiness even if we end up coming home hunched over, and covered with physical and spiritual battle wounds. We will not give up til we receive the promised blessing of being together again.

We SO LOVE YOU Caleb.
Love Your Mommy