Chasing Our Family's Dream

Dear Caleb,

Spring is at our door step; there's a green haze along the side of the hills, splotches of green like patches are all over on the lawns, sweet spring songs from the birds can be heard at the break of dawn.
Yes, it is an early Spring here this year, for once I am thankful for that. Spring usually means that the ringer of birthdays are about to unfold, with your sisters gaining one more year on you, and your little brother catching up all too soon. But my thoughts are not taken in that direction this year. Something, a mental chemical balance of my emotions, has finally been put in check. I can honestly say that an inner change has occur since the intense downward spiral from January. And Spring is bringing me renewed strength, I can almost breathe again with out feeling the heavy weight of grief crushing my chest.

In January, I had a strong impression that Change was coming. I have been waiting and wanting for change to interrupt our unpleasant reality from our grieving, broken hearts. I needed something, but that something for over 5 years was not coming. The mind set finally occurred to me that, if that "something" was not coming as I had hoped and prayed for, then by golly "I" would be the change. As I  focused on change, to allow the change, to help the change, to bring the change.... we have been blessed with a change, that "something!"

Move 13 for our family, move 4 since the you were with us has arrived! In this move we will be chasing our family's dream. Like the movie "We bought a Zoo" has been our dream, to have our acreage and have our own farm... our own zoo. And this place that we are moving to, will allow for this dream to become possible. I am starting to feel alive again, and actually be excited for something, excited for change! After the accident I really gave up on dreams, I had lost so many of mine that left with you. I did not believe even in having goals. To me that meant you would just be setting yourself up for failure if it wasn't meant to be, so I often thought, why would I want to see more of my dreams fall through. Goals, dreams equalled more broken hearts... I did not care for any of that.

My only dream, my only hope was for you to be saved and brought back to us here and now? But when that hope was crushed, my only dream was to work hard to be found worth to have us all be together again, which meant not until the coming of the Savior, Jesus Christ. But how could I possibly hold out til then, I often thought, will I make it? Will our family hold together long enough to see that day, when you will becoming down with the angels from heaven? That was my only dream, my only goal that I had strength to fight for, other dreams and goals just didn't seem to compare or come close to what I desperately wanted,You Caleb.

I have learned so much from each move after the accident. From the first move I learned how to          re-introduce our family with having a missing piece which others will never get to know. That was incredibly hard to say that I had 3 kids, when I really had 4. I was unkind and very unfriendly whenever I was asked such difficult questions for myself, when really to others is was simple and easy to answer. These people were so kind and patient with me as I fumbled and panicked for that words to say. I could never use numbers, Caleb you are ours and will be forever, so I learned a way around it to satisfy all sides. I start by saying, "Well my oldest daughter is___, and end with my youngest son is___." That has brought myself so much peace, you still have your spot as the oldest boy in our family and always will.

The lesson from the Second Move was more complex taking a lot for me to get, which was, That It Is OK to let others love me and service me. So much was happening at the time of the accident that my head was swirling so fast, and so many people were trying to help and be there for us. They all are the dearest people on my soul, for them to be there when we needed help, however, I felt ashamed to have taken up so much of their time, money, and energy. I vowed to never be a hinderment on people again, and I did just that, pushed, pushed, pushed people away. On this move, these people were tender, gentle didn't push me away as I was trying to push them. They won my heart over reminding me that it is Ok to let people in, and that I was someone that could be loved. It was the start in finding my smile and laugh again after their disappearance for so many years.

This Third Move has been monumental. Sadly, negativity has been my side kick from the start. You could easily feel the anger and frustrations spew out in almost every word that was spoken. Trying to see the good, or to knowledge that the light was coming, was not something that came naturally and truly those that did made me more angry. It bugged me that others would often give advice when they never walked in that person's shoes, it is almost unfair for them to be giving advice when they have not experience such deep heart ache themselves. I have learned that the circumstance of the deep heartache does not have to be the same. It is IN the deep grieving that is common, the uprooted jagged road that people are place on, in having no choice but to face the reality of it, this is what is the same. I've come across many friends and though their uprooted circumstance was different, they brought me comfort as they found ways to be positive, and it caught me off guard- WAY off guard. I did not know that that was even possible. And I was determined for the first time that I was going to try it out. For every one negative thought that came, I would replace it with a positive one and see what would come from it. Could a negative person who only could see the dark and feel the hurt, really become someone that could see and feel the light and be happy? I wondered as I put this to the tested. From January til now I  have come to understand that it is INEED so. I have been on an UP since mid January and that IS a big deal for me.... a VERY big deal.

That brings me to our 4th Move this Spring. In giving up on dreams I never thought we would be given one of our family's treasured desires. Though my up-most dream is for us to be with you again Caleb, but I have been renewed with hope, that there are dreams that can be accomplished here and now as we await to be with you again. I am tickling with excitement for us to chase after this family dream. A place were we can have our fresh new start, a complete change, a slower pace for healing, a slower place in trying to keep up with things, being around the healing powers of nature and animals... the list goes on, and on. I am overwhelmed with delight that finally I have something to smile about, talk about, look forward about. I'm humbled as our family has been given this opportunity to start a new chapter of memories, dreams and goals together, and I am ready to be apart of it! I am ready. I am so thankfully for our change, our new something to excite us and keep us moving closer and together as a family; For once it was dark and bleak, now there is growing hope and peace.

Caleb, I don't know exactly what you are doing that is helping us, but I know whatever you are doing it is working... we are seeing that light and it is getting brighter and brighter, something I thought would never be, and yet here we are. Thank You Caleb, I can not wait to thank you in person and to give you an enormous hug as I swing you around and hold you in my arms... I Miss You.

Love You Always, Your Mommy

Push to See, Choose to Feel: A post for January

Dear Caleb,

January was not a very good month. There has been much that has taken place within myself, making it very difficult to know how to put it all into words. The events of the holidays backed right up to a new year really threw me for a loop. Why on earth would one want to do a another year if it just brings more misery and heartache? Being apart of a community church where one is taught that there is a plan of happiness, where men are to have joy.... where was my joy, where was my happiness that I have so desperately longed for and desired? Had my religion, my faith failed me? Because I obvious was not feeling anything even close to being truly happy these past many, many years.
The exhaustion of dealing with my emotional bio polar disorder with the severe spikes of ups and downs have been beyond draining to my body and mind. When caught up in a downward spike, everything swirls and spins, I can hardily breathe, I can hardily move, I am caught in a very deep dark place and I am literally trapped. The longer I allow myself to be made a prisoner of such bitter circumstances the deeper the despair and the harder it is to pull out. To pull out takes a lot of mental power, focusing on something that helps me to see the circumstance in another way or a different angle, and making the choice to choose my family over the hidden enemy. Going on 6 years of battling these episodes day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.... takes a huge toll on ones body.
 A cousin of mine shared something that really spoke to my heart during this last bitter episode, it said, "If you are tired of being tired, then stop giving up." There have been so many times which I had said this very thing, "I am so tired of being tired", but I had no idea of why. I had no idea that when I gave into the depression and negative thoughts that I was giving up, which was taking me under each and every single time. And trying to literally fight it off each and very single time has been unbelievably exhausting. I have personally come to understand how powerful our thoughts can be, they have REAL affect in pulling us in one direction or another. I never really understood this or knew that this was even really possible until now.
 I have been struggling for years in sorting out why we were given this trial of loosing you, Caleb? What was I truly to learn from it, other then to know how to feel great sympathy for others in sorrow and pain. There had to be another reason, a direction of a positive note that would touch my heart and help me to smile and mean it, laugh and mean it, truly understand that I can and want to be happy again... there had to be something!!  And that something is what I have been searching for, and it has taken me to be at my wits end of being tired of being tired to finally be ready to listen and to see.
I am not one who can endure to the end from such a trial. I have been taught as a child that we are to endure to the end, but I am not as strong as some of my amazing heroes. I look at the Mormon Pioneers with so much awe; for them to move across in the bitter cold for religious freedom, loosing their children along the way, only to have a spoon to dig a grave upon the frozen ground, just to leave them behind and carry onto Zion.... breaks my heart. They had to endure to their final ends of their lives before they could be reunited with their sweet angel children again. I can not do that. I knew from the very beginning that I could never wait that long til we are with you again Caleb. I thought that perhaps the reason was for me to help people prepare to loose a child, but I have fought that off over and over again. I do not want to do that. I do not want to be the one to prepare others to loose anyone, especially a sweet little child... it hurts too much. I do not want people to hurt as I have and to see them carry that ache  for the rest of their mortal lives. No, that could not be what I was to learn from this all! Nothing positive was coming from it, nothing! And it was only making me feel more and more frustrated and depressed.
I have been taught as a child that the purpose of God is (Moses 1:39) to bring about the immortality and eternal life of man. And as I read that again, it HIT! That is God's purpose! That is his part. I do not have to do it, teaching about death and preparing the hearts to loose a child is not what I need to be doing. As what I thought perhaps it was for years, but that is a heavy burden for one to carry and try to teach about, a direction that has not been healing on my heart. Also as a child I have been taught about the coming of Christ. Something that I always wanted to happen when I was a child, but with reading in the Bible and reviewing the signs, I have discovered my smile- MY lesson for me to take away from walking down this path, from once saying that I will never be happy again. I do not need to endure to the end of my mortal life because Christ will be coming long before that. And He will be bringing you, Caleb, to me, so I do not need to wait as long as my Heroes. And I CAN do that! I CAN prepare for Christ to come, the healing that will be taken place at that time will be remarkable and astonishing. I CAN prepare myself and family to be with you again! I CAN be more positive with my thoughts for they will lead me to more pleasant circumstances for our family. I know that I CAN do this. And for me to say that I CAN, is a miracle all in itself.
This journey has been nothing but struggling and praying for the light, pleading for the light, and never seeing the light, but hoping and trusting that the light will come in some way and in some form. But when one finally sees a glimmer of that light, it brings instant calming of peace on your heart and brings contentment in your life letting you know that you CAN keep moving forward and that it is ok, for you to keep moving forward. So did my religion fail me, did my faith fail me? Only when I chose to focus on the negative, which kept me from being able to see the circumstance in a different direction, and to feel the situation with a renewed heart. Push to See, Choose to Feel, has been my Motto, in trying to stay positive even when it may seem bleak with little to no hope.

Words cannot begin to describe my love for you Caleb. I cannot wait til our hearts are finally made whole. I know that that time is coming soon, I rejoice in that and can smile and say that I CAN.
 With Much Love To You, Love Always Your Mommy