Hibernation of Survival Mode

Dear Caleb,

My last post was once again and overloading of emotions that I needed to release before they consumed my every thought and action. Thank you for listening and being there for me to vent and share how I truly feel in the every moment that I am in need of someone.

This is one of the many times throughout the year that I go into what I call a 'Hibernation' from overwhelming emotions for survival mode, to recharge and focus. The only tricky thing about caving in, is climbing back out. It is not as difficult as it use to be in pulling out from my self-induced hibernation, but it is still a very complicated and very sensitive situation.

I am naturally a very emotional deep feeling person, so why should I have been surprised to realized that my grieving is as such as well. I have not encountered many people that grieve like me, which is why I would often feel alone. Many people pull away from wanting to feel and talk about situations of the heart, and so I have even felt that distance from other fellow grievers, but I respect their need to do things in their own way. Plus on another note I have only come across only a handful of people that lost a young child, which makes the loneliness even more so in trying to find someone to relate with. The typical grieving that I have come across are those that: shun it, ignore it, or stuff and hide their sorrows. These are they that do not want to feel or be reminded of the events because it brings back all the hurt, sorrow and pain, for this is harder for them. However, for me to 'not' feel my grief, that would be harder for me. I came up with an example of how I differ from the typical grieving ways- Theoretically speaking (because I in no way no what it is like, but with grieving is all the same path)...the example of having one's arm being cut off. Individuals who would grieve by shunning, ignoring, stuffing and hiding would make adjustments to move onward and try to forget that they even once had an arm, or would take steps to forget their disappointment from loosing their arm. For there is no wrong way to grieve only different. I on the other hand would talk about my arm that was once their. For me, just because my arm is not there anymore does not mean that it is not apart of me anymore. It is and it always will be, just like you Caleb. Just because you are not here with me anymore does not mean that you are not real and do not exist. And I will not carry on without carrying my grief to remind me daily that you are real and that you are alive.

Depression has been an unavoidable companion that has almost beaten me at times. I have lost much confidence in myself in many aspects, including my abilities to be a mom. And if I was not there for you Caleb, then what am I good for I oft would think. So truly I must be unworthy of being trusted in I too would think. I am good at applying slack and forgiveness to others but not when it comes to myself. I place myself on a very high level and I expect myself to stay within those means, because I do not want to hurt our family again. I have started running to try and accomplish a plan that was set earlier to run a mile in 6.31 like what I did in 5th grade. But as I run I want to just quit on myself, my body aches and screams stop what are you doing, you can't do this? It is easier in life to quit, to stop, to give in, to give up then to actually keep living because to live... that is truly harder. This month your little sister and I ran a mile race and when I finished with the time 7.25 I was amazed at what I had just done.

Wheels in my brain have been turning and I have been thinking that just What If? What If I can actually do this- Run the mile in 6.31, Run my life's race? What if can actually gain confidence in myself and abilities to actually do things- In being a Mother, In being a Wife? What if I can actually be trusted of myself to take on more and be able to run and move at a faster pace then what I have been going? What if?? I am all nerves with my new idea to try something different. I am hoping that as I do, that it will help our family be closer and function better together. Just What If?? As I make it through this hibernation time, I will be running to see if it makes a difference when it comes to awakening from my winter slumber.

Love You Caleb- Love Always Your Mommy

One Down, Two BIG Ones To Go...

Dear Caleb,

We are on our 6th year of Holidays without you. This October was the first time since 2008 that I actually celebrated Halloween and enjoyed it. We had a Halloween party like in 2008 when I made a Haunted Spook Alley. It took a lot of emotional energy from me which was very draining, but your siblings loved it, so it was worth it. For 6 years I have strongly disliked this holiday because you are beautiful and alive, but the world makes those that pass away sound creepy and disgusting. But I could never accept those lies that the media puts into the minds and hearts of people. Cemetery's are one of the most sacred and special places that I have ever stepped foot on. Out of all the things in the world, this is the last place that anyone would need to be afraid of. These people that are resting are at peace and so they want you too to feel that when you are with them, not fear! What a stupid lie that so many believe and teach to others- it is disturbing and very sad!

Halloween has come and gone, now the heavy back to back Holidays are here again. This time of year does not bring much happiness and cheer for me, just heart break and tears. And I am getting so tired of how our world celebrates the same holidays year after year. I am getting so worn out that our calender stays the same year after year, causing us to have to relive difficult dates over and over again. It is exhausting, it is draining, it is heart breaking. I do not want to seem like a Scrooge at this time of year but honestly, it makes me frustrated that others can be in complete oblivious to broken hearts and deep wounds at this time- as they smile in your face and say, "It's this time of year so exciting"!?!? I just want to tell so many people, "Wake up and recognize the hurt, the broken hearted, those that are just struggling to live that are around you. Don't give them trivial little clich'e remarks about the season, recognize their struggles and reach out! Don't make them think that they have to stuff their real feelings and hide it from everyone because we are all "suppose" to be twitter patted with these Holidays."

The Real Purpose of these holidays should be finding and bringing comfort to those in need. Not in Eating, Drinking and being Merry in oneself. Not in indulging in gifts, things and football to please oneself. It is not in what this Holiday season can bring to you, but what YOU can bring to the Holiday season. It is sad how this time has turned many people inward, instead of outward. There is real hurt and heartache in the world Caleb, and I wish that I could just wrap an arm around all these individuals as they shed deep tears of grief- from empty seats of loved ones that will not be there in person at this time. Holidays are not always the fun 'n' games kind of time of year... because it brings struggles, heaviness, and tears- lots and lots of tears to so many.

If we didn't have your sweet siblings Caleb, I would put aside ALL these dates and holidays, it would be so much easier. But I know that they like them and enjoy them. Plus it is nice to see them smile and laugh, for it makes me feel that you are close by enjoying right along with them. Even though reliving these dates, times, holidays over again may bring tears now, I am a survivor of the ground hog living lifestyle. I can tell you that it is possible to keep going, even when one thinks that they could never carry on- I have and I am still here. I know that you want us to keep trying, so Caleb, I am going to try again on another year of BIG ones.....

Missing You Deeply!! Love Your Mommy