We are so LUCKY!

Dear Caleb, It is funny how things that once seemed impossible to fathom, has because our current reality, and yet it doesn't even seem impossible to handle anymore. Though it still isn't fun, or even what I would like to still live with, but I am done fighting the unwanted change, there is nothing I can do about it. And I am ready to just be content with it, and allow our new normal to take its course. We are moving again, making this our 12th move as a family. I am in a position with my emotions that I never thought I would be; a part of healing that I thought would never come- nor ever for saw what could become. I wanted to stay miserable, for that is what I thought I only deserved. I wanted to stay withdrawn because it was an easier place to be, then in the present. I felt that I was unworthy to be loved and trusted, and I couldn't put especially our family in such a situation that would compromise another slip up from me as their mother. How nervous I have been to be a mother since then. How untrusting I have felt in my lack of abilities to care and be there for your siblings. I felt that if I could just keep the distance, it would protect the family from my mishaps. I couldn't have ever been MORE wrong. It hasn't helped, but has only hindered any glimmer of enjoyment together. For the heart of the mother, is the center of the family. And if she isn't happy or there emotionally, everything gets shifted, and everyone gets caught in the whirl wind. This has been our challenge these almost 4 years, but they are Caleb, they are no more. It is not a path that I want to be on anymore. I have hurt our family long enough and it is time for me to show them that because I love them, I want to be here emotionally. There is no point in being here physically if I have already checked myself out, but I am here physically, so it is time for me to be here emotionally too. Montey has been sleeping in your room, 'The Boys Room,’ he calls it. He said, 'Mom when Caleb comes I ask him if I can sleep on his bed.' He has been sleeping on your floor and tucks your picture in next to him. As I tucked both of you in the other night Montey said, "Mom. Caleb and I are twins. I look like him, and he looks like me." I said with tears in my eyes, "I know, isn't that awesome!" It both hurts my heart and makes me rejoice all at the same time. Sometimes I have to do double takes, because there are times that I swear I see you Caleb. But then when I realize it's just Montey, my heart stops fluttering. Gosh Caleb I cannot wait for that day to actually see you running towards us, we miss and ache for you more than any words could ever express. There is still such a whole in our hearts, in our family- and yet there is just nothing we can do about it. Next month you are turning 12 in our minds and hearts, though life would tell us otherwise. This is the very year, the very time that I have been dreading since after the accident. You will be graduating from church Primary and going into Young Men’s, receiving the Aaronic priesthood, passing the sacrament and starting boy scouts. Every Sunday I watch these sweet 12-year-old boys pass the sacrament and my heart sinks, and tears stream from my eyes thinking that my time is postponed for a time to see you serve in such a manner. How well you would have served, how much you would have enjoyed, how special this time would have been. Only recently have your birthday's been seen in a different light for me. How many people get the chance to celebrate their child's 12th birthday twice?! We are so lucky. We get to celebrate now and enjoy what will be. And get to celebrate again later when these things finally do take place. We are indeed LUCKY!! So, instead of dreading your birthday, I am anxiously looking forward to it. It doesn't mean that my heart won't ache and hurt, and tears won't be streaming down my face- because they will. But it does mean that Heavenly Father continues to keep his promise, that we will not be given more than we can handle. And who knew all along? Our Father in Heaven, that is who. For it is not that we are born strong, for being strong is not something that we are, it is something that we have to learn to become. And there is NO better strength that we are given and lent, then what comes from our Savior Jesus Christ. I know that it is only through his goodness that I am even able to smile and stand with what this difficulty has caused my back to change shape. How I have been made whole with peace of mind and contentment from the faith of just a simple outstretched hand, touching just the hem of his robe in desperation. Thank goodness he had compassion on me and turned to take my trembling hand. I love you so much Caleb. Thank you for being our inspiration and pushing us closer together. We will be together again soon. Love Your Mommy

His Work, His Glory

Dear Caleb, Oh how I LOVE Easter. Easter is such a special and sacred time on my heart. It was such a joy to have Easter and General Conference all around the same time. To listen to the Prophet of God, Thomas S. Monson, declare is testimony of the Risen Lord Jesus Christ is always such a needed emotional pick me up. As much as I love Christmas, it is EASTER that my heart is always living and rejoicing in. For Christmas brings us the gift, Jesus Christ. But Easter, now Easter, is the fulfillment of that gift- the gift of Eternal Life, through Jesus Christ. I oft think the world has it all backwards. As much as we rejoice and enjoy Christmas, Easter should be celebrated and praised 10X's MORE! For it is in the promised blessings through the resurrection of our Savior that will bring about ALL of or hopes and dreams to become our eternal reality- eternal life with our families forever and never to part again. Every since Easter I have been able to smile more, and actually mean it... that really is a huge thing for me. Just as the Risen Lord came down amongst the people and they didn't recognize him until he allowed them too, I kind have that strange similar feeling with you. Your mission has not kept your spirit and body separate, for when I go to your site, I feel that it is empty. I am so overjoyed that when we see you, it will be in your resurrected perfect body. So I do not need to stay and mourn where you are not. I need to be okay with moving forward, instead of holding myself back, and our family. But such a task is much easier said then done. It cannot be comprehended or understood what it's like to loose a child in this life, but only those who were called to pass through it. I have never been mad at God or blamed him for this journey that we have been given to live. I have only and always been mad at myself. Myself for not being there for you, myself for not being a better mother, myself for not protecting you, and most of all myself for not being able kiss your wounds and make them better. This is the biggest hurdle that I have yet to tackle, perhaps something that I even thought would be impossible to "let go." On the beautiful week of Easter, I was praying about this very thing to God. I was saying how he must have been wrong to think that I could handle such a trial, that he had made a mistake, that I could not handle this grief, and carry this broken mother heart anymore and I was done. Throughout the next day I kept thinking of the scripture in Moses 3:19, "For this is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." And I would say what the heck does that even mean, for I hear it all the time at church and I never really knew what it meant. It wasn't until I was rocking Cumorah to sleep when I heard the words of my Heavenly Father speak to me, as tenderly as my earthly father would say them in. He said, "Honey, I am sorry that you are taking this so personally and are having a very difficult time, but this is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." It finally hit. This isn't my work, this isn't my responsibility- This is God's. His Work, His Responsibility, He's GLORY. He wants us home, he wants us back, this is the whole plan from the beginning, and I agree in the premortal life to have him rescue Caleb from the affects of the car accident. Caleb, I am finally okay with this, I am finally okay with God's plan for us. I thought that I had to have your forgiveness before I could ever continue moving forward, being the icing on the cake. But Father above came down himself giving me the cherry on top. Such a pivotal moment that I will never forget. My grief has been lifted like I have never felt before, and I am able to smile and laugh, something that I never really thought I would ever do in this life again. This journey is a calling. A calling that I will never be released from until that great day our Savior comes bring you back to us. A statement I came across to explain my calling in details from the book the price we paid by Andrew D. Olsen, "On your journey home you should constantly seek how you can aid them by your experience, direct and comfort them by your counsels, cheer them by your presence, strengthen their faith, and keep the spirit of union and peace in their midst, that the destroyer may have no power over them." To have faith was a starting point. Now it's time to be my faith. Love You Caleb. Love Your Mommy

Moments.

Dear Caleb,

This past month has been pretty interesting to say the least. I have been experiencing what I would like to call "moments."I have been trying to get sparks of any kind of interest, to get me moving and feeling connected to this life again. I keep thinking that perhaps I just need to go back to my roots of what I liked doing before: dancing, photography, scrap booking, running... And it would fan those sparks and turn into desires and passion again to pick up and start anew. This is were I have been having my "moments." I get an inkling of interest that will come out of no where and I will feel passionate about it for a day or two, and then it would stop. Then I will think of something else, feel all passionate about that, and then it too would stop. I am searching and hoping for that certain "moment" that will engrave on my soul to stay. I just wished that I had such natural talent at something, ANYTHING, that I could just start off at and work from there, but I do not.

I want to leave behind a legacy of something that I have done, something that I have accomplished, some imprint that I have left behind for your siblings when it is time for me to go be with you. I do not want to live my life in idle anymore- it is time to move, but I do not know in what, nor in what way.
I sure hope I find my niche soon, I feel that I am just on borrowed time, and it is ticking.

One thing that I found to see in a different light these days is facebook. Before the accident I was on it probably more then I should have, when I could have spent more time with you and I HATED myself for it. So I VOWED to NEVER be on facebook again. I would only reactivate my account long enough every once in awhile to get people's contact information, then I would deactivate it. Your father reactivated my account 2 summers ago, and I kept going back and forth deciding if I should keep it open or to close it. I have come to realize that for me to leave it open could potentially be a selfish thing if I were to spend more time in cyber space then in the physical world with those that I love. But to have me completely close it would be a selfish motive because I would be saying that those distant friends and family mean nothing to me to stay in touch with them... and I wouldn't want them to feel that way. It is also through facebook that I have learned, that it is a great support system with more than just the physical family and friends living around me. And I have felt the great importance to be there for those friends and family, because when I see that there is a need (that only one who knows grief can see), I am able to take almost immediate action into bringing comfort and support their way.

I can see myself moving, but it is in very small increments. Another thing about moving is that I made it to a place I NEVER thought I would come too. I am now okay with us moving away, if we come to that path again for our family, I do not need to stay here anymore. This Easter season speaks this truth to me all the more intently, "Your site is empty, for you are Risen." I know that God raised Christ from the tomb, and so has he you for your mission. And when Christ comes you will be coming down as a Resurrected being to us. So, I do not need to be where you are not, for your site is empty, and I can rejoice in this gift, in this knowledge at this most JOYEST TIME EVER! Oh how I LOVE EASTER! Oh how I LOVE JESUS CHRIST, and making this ALL possible for us all to be together again.

Happy Easter K-bub! Happy, Happy Easter to YOU.
With All My Love, Love Your Mommy

Learning to Live Again

Dear Caleb,

I have while in this past month of many broken/ falling/unstable emotions learned a lot about many things in and of myself.

I have put together Steps in Cultivating Grief.

Step 1: Recognize That You Are Grieving (This starts after the denial phase wears off)
.It's okay to grieve.
.Let yourself feel all angles.
.It is a must, to allow all ends to be opened in order to begin to heal.
.So let yourself Feel.
(No matter what everyone is saying about you feeling so deeply; especially family, they are not you, they do not know.)

Step 2: Find A Healthy Outlet
.Grief is/can be an overwhelming burden to carry.
.If no outlet is found the weight of the pressure can easily and quickly pull you down.
(Find the right outlet for you: Counseling, Online grief groups, Reading, Writing, Starting a new hobby, Picking up an old cherish hobby, Go where you feel the most alive to feel revived when you need to be uplifted and surrounded by a positive and safe environment.

Step 3: Allow Yourself To Feel Again
.Grief has a way to make one feel numb to the world.
.If we stay in the numb phase for an extended amount of time, it can place one in a world of oblivious.
(Our eyes turn inward and we are unable to see the needs of those around us, especially those in our care.)

Step 4: Live With Heart
.We are all in the act of "living," but if our heart is not in it and we are just going through the emotions of "living," then we have already admitted defeat.
(If anything is worth doing, it is worth doing it with heart.)

Step 5: Learning To Live Again

* This is where I am at now!
 I do not know how to exactly do this. I feel like I have come back from the dead myself. I do not know how to do so many things, I feel like I am a baby trying to walk, talk and read again.
I do not know how to carry on a conversion with those that do not "feel."
I do not know how to walk, move and run without being so winded and joints yelling at me to STOP.
I do not know how to read people's everyday in's and out's without saying, "Gosh I would switch trials with them in a heart beat."
I do not know how to do things that I used to do with that same intensity.

There is so much to living, of which I haven't been apart of for so long, that I feel very handicap and inadequate with trying to live again. I am in my 30's and people would perceive me as having lived my life up until this time, but I have been frozen and have tried to make life stand still. I am not my age, I am behind, though my body with all this weight makes me feel that I am much much older.

I have been trying to "FIX" our family, feeling that it was because of me and on my watch that things changed for us.  Using the grief to keep me: eternally focused, working hard to never fail our family again, trying to serve in ways to connect with you and support you on your mission... so that we would be guaranteed our Eternal Family and to be with you again. However, as righteous as those desires and focuses were and are, that direction wasn't exactly they way I was suppose to keep using my energy to "save" our family. I am not suppose to be our family's savior. We already have one Jesus Christ. If I really want to help our family, I need to allow the real Savior to mend what is broken, for he knows what to do. And I need to use more of the energy and time that I have been using with my grief work, to focus more on "living with heart" and trying to "be" in the moments with our family, now that, that is truly what our family has been needing. And remembering what started this family first of all? ....Your Daddy and I fell in love.  If we can keep this commitment and bond staying strong, then we have got a fighting chance of our goal in being together again. Our Eternal Family is hinged upon Daddy and I. It is not up to me to "FIX" our family, but up to Daddy and I to step up to the plate together to secure our family's dream, to be an eternal family.

I know that as time continues to past by we will continue to heal, but it is NOT a cure. We anxiously wait for the cure as we continue to try to take steps of healing here in mortality.

We LOVE you our sweet K-Bub!
Love Always, Your Mommy