Friday, April 26, 2013
His Work, His Glory
Dear Caleb,
Oh how I LOVE Easter. Easter is such a special and sacred time on my heart. It was such a joy to have Easter and General Conference all around the same time. To listen to the Prophet of God, Thomas S. Monson, declare is testimony of the Risen Lord Jesus Christ is always such a needed emotional pick me up. As much as I love Christmas, it is EASTER that my heart is always living and rejoicing in. For Christmas brings us the gift, Jesus Christ. But Easter, now Easter, is the fulfillment of that gift- the gift of Eternal Life, through Jesus Christ. I oft think the world has it all backwards. As much as we rejoice and enjoy Christmas, Easter should be celebrated and praised 10X's MORE! For it is in the promised blessings through the resurrection of our Savior that will bring about ALL of or hopes and dreams to become our eternal reality- eternal life with our families forever and never to part again.
Every since Easter I have been able to smile more, and actually mean it... that really is a huge thing for me. Just as the Risen Lord came down amongst the people and they didn't recognize him until he allowed them too, I kind have that strange similar feeling with you. Your mission has not kept your spirit and body separate, for when I go to your site, I feel that it is empty. I am so overjoyed that when we see you, it will be in your resurrected perfect body. So I do not need to stay and mourn where you are not. I need to be okay with moving forward, instead of holding myself back, and our family. But such a task is much easier said then done. It cannot be comprehended or understood what it's like to loose a child in this life, but only those who were called to pass through it.
I have never been mad at God or blamed him for this journey that we have been given to live. I have only and always been mad at myself. Myself for not being there for you, myself for not being a better mother, myself for not protecting you, and most of all myself for not being able kiss your wounds and make them better. This is the biggest hurdle that I have yet to tackle, perhaps something that I even thought would be impossible to "let go." On the beautiful week of Easter, I was praying about this very thing to God. I was saying how he must have been wrong to think that I could handle such a trial, that he had made a mistake, that I could not handle this grief, and carry this broken mother heart anymore and I was done. Throughout the next day I kept thinking of the scripture in Moses 3:19, "For this is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." And I would say what the heck does that even mean, for I hear it all the time at church and I never really knew what it meant. It wasn't until I was rocking Cumorah to sleep when I heard the words of my Heavenly Father speak to me, as tenderly as my earthly father would say them in. He said, "Honey, I am sorry that you are taking this so personally and are having a very difficult time, but this is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." It finally hit. This isn't my work, this isn't my responsibility- This is God's. His Work, His Responsibility, He's GLORY. He wants us home, he wants us back, this is the whole plan from the beginning, and I agree in the premortal life to have him rescue Caleb from the affects of the car accident. Caleb, I am finally okay with this, I am finally okay with God's plan for us. I thought that I had to have your forgiveness before I could ever continue moving forward, being the icing on the cake. But Father above came down himself giving me the cherry on top. Such a pivotal moment that I will never forget. My grief has been lifted like I have never felt before, and I am able to smile and laugh, something that I never really thought I would ever do in this life again.
This journey is a calling. A calling that I will never be released from until that great day our Savior comes bring you back to us. A statement I came across to explain my calling in details from the book the price we paid by Andrew D. Olsen, "On your journey home you should constantly seek how you can aid them by your experience, direct and comfort them by your counsels, cheer them by your presence, strengthen their faith, and keep the spirit of union and peace in their midst, that the destroyer may have no power over them."
To have faith was a starting point. Now it's time to be my faith.
Love You Caleb.
Love Your Mommy
Monday, March 25, 2013
Moments.
Dear Caleb,
This past month has been pretty interesting to say the least. I have been experiencing what I would like to call "moments."I have been trying to get sparks of any kind of interest, to get me moving and feeling connected to this life again. I keep thinking that perhaps I just need to go back to my roots of what I liked doing before: dancing, photography, scrap booking, running... And it would fan those sparks and turn into desires and passion again to pick up and start anew. This is were I have been having my "moments." I get an inkling of interest that will come out of no where and I will feel passionate about it for a day or two, and then it would stop. Then I will think of something else, feel all passionate about that, and then it too would stop. I am searching and hoping for that certain "moment" that will engrave on my soul to stay. I just wished that I had such natural talent at something, ANYTHING, that I could just start off at and work from there, but I do not.
I want to leave behind a legacy of something that I have done, something that I have accomplished, some imprint that I have left behind for your siblings when it is time for me to go be with you. I do not want to live my life in idle anymore- it is time to move, but I do not know in what, nor in what way.
I sure hope I find my niche soon, I feel that I am just on borrowed time, and it is ticking.
One thing that I found to see in a different light these days is facebook. Before the accident I was on it probably more then I should have, when I could have spent more time with you and I HATED myself for it. So I VOWED to NEVER be on facebook again. I would only reactivate my account long enough every once in awhile to get people's contact information, then I would deactivate it. Your father reactivated my account 2 summers ago, and I kept going back and forth deciding if I should keep it open or to close it. I have come to realize that for me to leave it open could potentially be a selfish thing if I were to spend more time in cyber space then in the physical world with those that I love. But to have me completely close it would be a selfish motive because I would be saying that those distant friends and family mean nothing to me to stay in touch with them... and I wouldn't want them to feel that way. It is also through facebook that I have learned, that it is a great support system with more than just the physical family and friends living around me. And I have felt the great importance to be there for those friends and family, because when I see that there is a need (that only one who knows grief can see), I am able to take almost immediate action into bringing comfort and support their way.
I can see myself moving, but it is in very small increments. Another thing about moving is that I made it to a place I NEVER thought I would come too. I am now okay with us moving away, if we come to that path again for our family, I do not need to stay here anymore. This Easter season speaks this truth to me all the more intently, "Your site is empty, for you are Risen." I know that God raised Christ from the tomb, and so has he you for your mission. And when Christ comes you will be coming down as a Resurrected being to us. So, I do not need to be where you are not, for your site is empty, and I can rejoice in this gift, in this knowledge at this most JOYEST TIME EVER! Oh how I LOVE EASTER! Oh how I LOVE JESUS CHRIST, and making this ALL possible for us all to be together again.
Happy Easter K-bub! Happy, Happy Easter to YOU.
With All My Love, Love Your Mommy
This past month has been pretty interesting to say the least. I have been experiencing what I would like to call "moments."I have been trying to get sparks of any kind of interest, to get me moving and feeling connected to this life again. I keep thinking that perhaps I just need to go back to my roots of what I liked doing before: dancing, photography, scrap booking, running... And it would fan those sparks and turn into desires and passion again to pick up and start anew. This is were I have been having my "moments." I get an inkling of interest that will come out of no where and I will feel passionate about it for a day or two, and then it would stop. Then I will think of something else, feel all passionate about that, and then it too would stop. I am searching and hoping for that certain "moment" that will engrave on my soul to stay. I just wished that I had such natural talent at something, ANYTHING, that I could just start off at and work from there, but I do not.
I want to leave behind a legacy of something that I have done, something that I have accomplished, some imprint that I have left behind for your siblings when it is time for me to go be with you. I do not want to live my life in idle anymore- it is time to move, but I do not know in what, nor in what way.
I sure hope I find my niche soon, I feel that I am just on borrowed time, and it is ticking.
One thing that I found to see in a different light these days is facebook. Before the accident I was on it probably more then I should have, when I could have spent more time with you and I HATED myself for it. So I VOWED to NEVER be on facebook again. I would only reactivate my account long enough every once in awhile to get people's contact information, then I would deactivate it. Your father reactivated my account 2 summers ago, and I kept going back and forth deciding if I should keep it open or to close it. I have come to realize that for me to leave it open could potentially be a selfish thing if I were to spend more time in cyber space then in the physical world with those that I love. But to have me completely close it would be a selfish motive because I would be saying that those distant friends and family mean nothing to me to stay in touch with them... and I wouldn't want them to feel that way. It is also through facebook that I have learned, that it is a great support system with more than just the physical family and friends living around me. And I have felt the great importance to be there for those friends and family, because when I see that there is a need (that only one who knows grief can see), I am able to take almost immediate action into bringing comfort and support their way.
I can see myself moving, but it is in very small increments. Another thing about moving is that I made it to a place I NEVER thought I would come too. I am now okay with us moving away, if we come to that path again for our family, I do not need to stay here anymore. This Easter season speaks this truth to me all the more intently, "Your site is empty, for you are Risen." I know that God raised Christ from the tomb, and so has he you for your mission. And when Christ comes you will be coming down as a Resurrected being to us. So, I do not need to be where you are not, for your site is empty, and I can rejoice in this gift, in this knowledge at this most JOYEST TIME EVER! Oh how I LOVE EASTER! Oh how I LOVE JESUS CHRIST, and making this ALL possible for us all to be together again.
Happy Easter K-bub! Happy, Happy Easter to YOU.
With All My Love, Love Your Mommy
Monday, February 25, 2013
Learning to Live Again
Dear Caleb,
I have while in this past month of many broken/ falling/unstable emotions learned a lot about many things in and of myself.
I have put together Steps in Cultivating Grief.
Step 1: Recognize That You Are Grieving (This starts after the denial phase wears off)
.It's okay to grieve.
.Let yourself feel all angles.
.It is a must, to allow all ends to be opened in order to begin to heal.
.So let yourself Feel.
(No matter what everyone is saying about you feeling so deeply; especially family, they are not you, they do not know.)
Step 2: Find A Healthy Outlet
.Grief is/can be an overwhelming burden to carry.
.If no outlet is found the weight of the pressure can easily and quickly pull you down.
(Find the right outlet for you: Counseling, Online grief groups, Reading, Writing, Starting a new hobby, Picking up an old cherish hobby, Go where you feel the most alive to feel revived when you need to be uplifted and surrounded by a positive and safe environment.
Step 3: Allow Yourself To Feel Again
.Grief has a way to make one feel numb to the world.
.If we stay in the numb phase for an extended amount of time, it can place one in a world of oblivious.
(Our eyes turn inward and we are unable to see the needs of those around us, especially those in our care.)
Step 4: Live With Heart
.We are all in the act of "living," but if our heart is not in it and we are just going through the emotions of "living," then we have already admitted defeat.
(If anything is worth doing, it is worth doing it with heart.)
Step 5: Learning To Live Again
* This is where I am at now!
I do not know how to exactly do this. I feel like I have come back from the dead myself. I do not know how to do so many things, I feel like I am a baby trying to walk, talk and read again.
I do not know how to carry on a conversion with those that do not "feel."
I do not know how to walk, move and run without being so winded and joints yelling at me to STOP.
I do not know how to read people's everyday in's and out's without saying, "Gosh I would switch trials with them in a heart beat."
I do not know how to do things that I used to do with that same intensity.
There is so much to living, of which I haven't been apart of for so long, that I feel very handicap and inadequate with trying to live again. I am in my 30's and people would perceive me as having lived my life up until this time, but I have been frozen and have tried to make life stand still. I am not my age, I am behind, though my body with all this weight makes me feel that I am much much older.
I have been trying to "FIX" our family, feeling that it was because of me and on my watch that things changed for us. Using the grief to keep me: eternally focused, working hard to never fail our family again, trying to serve in ways to connect with you and support you on your mission... so that we would be guaranteed our Eternal Family and to be with you again. However, as righteous as those desires and focuses were and are, that direction wasn't exactly they way I was suppose to keep using my energy to "save" our family. I am not suppose to be our family's savior. We already have one Jesus Christ. If I really want to help our family, I need to allow the real Savior to mend what is broken, for he knows what to do. And I need to use more of the energy and time that I have been using with my grief work, to focus more on "living with heart" and trying to "be" in the moments with our family, now that, that is truly what our family has been needing. And remembering what started this family first of all? ....Your Daddy and I fell in love. If we can keep this commitment and bond staying strong, then we have got a fighting chance of our goal in being together again. Our Eternal Family is hinged upon Daddy and I. It is not up to me to "FIX" our family, but up to Daddy and I to step up to the plate together to secure our family's dream, to be an eternal family.
I know that as time continues to past by we will continue to heal, but it is NOT a cure. We anxiously wait for the cure as we continue to try to take steps of healing here in mortality.
We LOVE you our sweet K-Bub!
Love Always, Your Mommy
I have while in this past month of many broken/ falling/unstable emotions learned a lot about many things in and of myself.
I have put together Steps in Cultivating Grief.
Step 1: Recognize That You Are Grieving (This starts after the denial phase wears off)
.It's okay to grieve.
.Let yourself feel all angles.
.It is a must, to allow all ends to be opened in order to begin to heal.
.So let yourself Feel.
(No matter what everyone is saying about you feeling so deeply; especially family, they are not you, they do not know.)
Step 2: Find A Healthy Outlet
.Grief is/can be an overwhelming burden to carry.
.If no outlet is found the weight of the pressure can easily and quickly pull you down.
(Find the right outlet for you: Counseling, Online grief groups, Reading, Writing, Starting a new hobby, Picking up an old cherish hobby, Go where you feel the most alive to feel revived when you need to be uplifted and surrounded by a positive and safe environment.
Step 3: Allow Yourself To Feel Again
.Grief has a way to make one feel numb to the world.
.If we stay in the numb phase for an extended amount of time, it can place one in a world of oblivious.
(Our eyes turn inward and we are unable to see the needs of those around us, especially those in our care.)
Step 4: Live With Heart
.We are all in the act of "living," but if our heart is not in it and we are just going through the emotions of "living," then we have already admitted defeat.
(If anything is worth doing, it is worth doing it with heart.)
Step 5: Learning To Live Again
* This is where I am at now!
I do not know how to exactly do this. I feel like I have come back from the dead myself. I do not know how to do so many things, I feel like I am a baby trying to walk, talk and read again.
I do not know how to carry on a conversion with those that do not "feel."
I do not know how to walk, move and run without being so winded and joints yelling at me to STOP.
I do not know how to read people's everyday in's and out's without saying, "Gosh I would switch trials with them in a heart beat."
I do not know how to do things that I used to do with that same intensity.
There is so much to living, of which I haven't been apart of for so long, that I feel very handicap and inadequate with trying to live again. I am in my 30's and people would perceive me as having lived my life up until this time, but I have been frozen and have tried to make life stand still. I am not my age, I am behind, though my body with all this weight makes me feel that I am much much older.
I have been trying to "FIX" our family, feeling that it was because of me and on my watch that things changed for us. Using the grief to keep me: eternally focused, working hard to never fail our family again, trying to serve in ways to connect with you and support you on your mission... so that we would be guaranteed our Eternal Family and to be with you again. However, as righteous as those desires and focuses were and are, that direction wasn't exactly they way I was suppose to keep using my energy to "save" our family. I am not suppose to be our family's savior. We already have one Jesus Christ. If I really want to help our family, I need to allow the real Savior to mend what is broken, for he knows what to do. And I need to use more of the energy and time that I have been using with my grief work, to focus more on "living with heart" and trying to "be" in the moments with our family, now that, that is truly what our family has been needing. And remembering what started this family first of all? ....Your Daddy and I fell in love. If we can keep this commitment and bond staying strong, then we have got a fighting chance of our goal in being together again. Our Eternal Family is hinged upon Daddy and I. It is not up to me to "FIX" our family, but up to Daddy and I to step up to the plate together to secure our family's dream, to be an eternal family.
I know that as time continues to past by we will continue to heal, but it is NOT a cure. We anxiously wait for the cure as we continue to try to take steps of healing here in mortality.
We LOVE you our sweet K-Bub!
Love Always, Your Mommy
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The Bitter Work of a New Year
Dear Caleb,
I cannot believe we are in the year 2013, and honestly I am frustrated about that. Mentally it is always August 2009 with me; my mind cannot seem to yield or even fathom any other time. While everyone else is dreaming up new ambitions and goals, all we get is to live another groundhogs year: reliving difficult dates, getting through unfun holidays, celebrating everyone else growing 1 year older... this is getting REALLY OLD! I keep thinking to myself "How many years do we have to keep doing this???" I am growing very tired and weary of this... I am just tired of being TIRED!!
Our family has this massive wound and it requires a lot of dressings to keep it from risk of infection. But the problem is, the dressings are only suppose to be temporary, and I do NOT like removing them. The wound exposed to open air aggravates my grieving heart. I just want to keep these temporary band aids on! I have learned that I am like one of your favorite movie characters, Shrek the Ogre, I have layers... LOTS and LOTS of layers. I do not like to expose my wound/ our family's wound... it hurts too bad. So what do I do? I do what I have learned to do with these temporary band aids. I dress this wound so well that the dressings have become hard like a cast. I have a VERY hard outer layer. I have made it incredibly difficult to let people help me undo these dressings, including your Daddy. I do not mean too, but this wound when it gets exposed is terribly bitter! It can take me weeks even months to recover when it is time to apply some attention on it. Of course we all need help at times, but we have received so much help that I am all helped out. I feel guilty for making others feel that they need to worry about us, using their precious family time to stop and help us... What if that very day they stopped to help us was the last day they got to spend with their family? I cannot take people's time away from their very valuable family time together, I do not need more guilt to carry on my plate.
I have learned also that I have become my worse enemy. It is myself and myself alone that stops me from healing and removing these dressing layers. It seems like with each new year that goes by I just keep putting more and more on.. I think that is why God sent us Cumorah, to help comfort my heart and melt away these layers. I have too admit, I am in LOVE with having four kids again. It is comforting, it is familiar... I have missed it so much. Going backwards to just three kids was painful and ever so awkward. Yet this new group of four still makes me miss our 2boys 2girls time together. It touches my heart to see how much Montey loves Cumorah. They were sleeping side by side the other night, and made me flashback to how excited you were when Montey was born. You finally had your bedroom buddy, and you two slept side by side. I didn't know whether to smile, laugh, or cry watching Cumorah and Montey. I just feel like I am broken and never gonna heal... there are so many things that try to get me to remove these dressings to heal.... but I can't....I can't! Mentally I am stuck, it is just always August 2009 until we see your sweet face with us again.
So what do I do now? Where do I start? Where do I go from here? I know you want us to be happy. I too want to see our family happy again. I want to be able to laugh and smile with everyone and actually mean it. But I do not know what happiness is anymore, at least not the way I thought it was. Because the happiness I WANT and long for canNOT be found in this life. I know the way to find true happiness is ONLY through Christ. Clothes, money, fame, fortune, popularity.... do not come close to the happiness that I so desire- those things hold NO joy for me, nor desire to obtain.
So...... I am starting this new year on a specific mission for myself that will have a very strong and positive impact on our family... it is the "Pursuit Of Happiness". If I desire to be happy then, I know I need to try harder by starting now to get there, that I will be ready and worthy to be given such a blessing.
Caleb I know broken hearts can heal, I know that true happiness can be obtained.... I just don't know how to get there on my own. So we as a family continue to look to Christ for he is the only way to keep breathing once he removes all our bandages of layers. He is the only way we can keep smiling when we look at our scars from these wounds that he has healed. He makes things possible.... and I am trying to wait faithfully for this day. I just pray that we can find the strength to push through til then.
SO, SO Love You Buddy Boy!
Love Immensely, Your Mommy
I cannot believe we are in the year 2013, and honestly I am frustrated about that. Mentally it is always August 2009 with me; my mind cannot seem to yield or even fathom any other time. While everyone else is dreaming up new ambitions and goals, all we get is to live another groundhogs year: reliving difficult dates, getting through unfun holidays, celebrating everyone else growing 1 year older... this is getting REALLY OLD! I keep thinking to myself "How many years do we have to keep doing this???" I am growing very tired and weary of this... I am just tired of being TIRED!!
Our family has this massive wound and it requires a lot of dressings to keep it from risk of infection. But the problem is, the dressings are only suppose to be temporary, and I do NOT like removing them. The wound exposed to open air aggravates my grieving heart. I just want to keep these temporary band aids on! I have learned that I am like one of your favorite movie characters, Shrek the Ogre, I have layers... LOTS and LOTS of layers. I do not like to expose my wound/ our family's wound... it hurts too bad. So what do I do? I do what I have learned to do with these temporary band aids. I dress this wound so well that the dressings have become hard like a cast. I have a VERY hard outer layer. I have made it incredibly difficult to let people help me undo these dressings, including your Daddy. I do not mean too, but this wound when it gets exposed is terribly bitter! It can take me weeks even months to recover when it is time to apply some attention on it. Of course we all need help at times, but we have received so much help that I am all helped out. I feel guilty for making others feel that they need to worry about us, using their precious family time to stop and help us... What if that very day they stopped to help us was the last day they got to spend with their family? I cannot take people's time away from their very valuable family time together, I do not need more guilt to carry on my plate.
I have learned also that I have become my worse enemy. It is myself and myself alone that stops me from healing and removing these dressing layers. It seems like with each new year that goes by I just keep putting more and more on.. I think that is why God sent us Cumorah, to help comfort my heart and melt away these layers. I have too admit, I am in LOVE with having four kids again. It is comforting, it is familiar... I have missed it so much. Going backwards to just three kids was painful and ever so awkward. Yet this new group of four still makes me miss our 2boys 2girls time together. It touches my heart to see how much Montey loves Cumorah. They were sleeping side by side the other night, and made me flashback to how excited you were when Montey was born. You finally had your bedroom buddy, and you two slept side by side. I didn't know whether to smile, laugh, or cry watching Cumorah and Montey. I just feel like I am broken and never gonna heal... there are so many things that try to get me to remove these dressings to heal.... but I can't....I can't! Mentally I am stuck, it is just always August 2009 until we see your sweet face with us again.
So what do I do now? Where do I start? Where do I go from here? I know you want us to be happy. I too want to see our family happy again. I want to be able to laugh and smile with everyone and actually mean it. But I do not know what happiness is anymore, at least not the way I thought it was. Because the happiness I WANT and long for canNOT be found in this life. I know the way to find true happiness is ONLY through Christ. Clothes, money, fame, fortune, popularity.... do not come close to the happiness that I so desire- those things hold NO joy for me, nor desire to obtain.
So...... I am starting this new year on a specific mission for myself that will have a very strong and positive impact on our family... it is the "Pursuit Of Happiness". If I desire to be happy then, I know I need to try harder by starting now to get there, that I will be ready and worthy to be given such a blessing.
Caleb I know broken hearts can heal, I know that true happiness can be obtained.... I just don't know how to get there on my own. So we as a family continue to look to Christ for he is the only way to keep breathing once he removes all our bandages of layers. He is the only way we can keep smiling when we look at our scars from these wounds that he has healed. He makes things possible.... and I am trying to wait faithfully for this day. I just pray that we can find the strength to push through til then.
SO, SO Love You Buddy Boy!
Love Immensely, Your Mommy
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