(Part One of the Memories of the month of February made in 2009.)
Feb 1st: Mom remembers that for school Caleb loved walking around the house to discover things for Math while on a scavenger hunt.
Feb 1st: Liahona remembers when making cookies with Caleb hey would crush up the egg with the spoon as they would take turns to stir the cookie dough.
Feb 1st: Liahona remembers when eating Popsicle with Caleb during the summer they would roll up the plastic and make funny faces with it.
Feb 1st: Tamara remembers how funny Caleb was.
Feb 2nd: Mom remembers that Caleb said he would like to go to public school when he was 16, so he could drive himself.
Feb 3rd: Mom remembers that Caleb like strawberry chunks from the jam on his toast and sandwiches.
Feb 3rd: Liahona remembers that when Caleb would color pictures, he would draw people with guns and blood on the walls, people and floor.
Feb 3rd: Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would slide down the stairs in sleeping bags.
Feb 4th: Liahon remembers that on the back of Caleb's workbooks, and lapbooks and stories he would write The End!
Feb 5th: Mom remembers after tucking in Caleb and doing our special handshake, I would give him a thumbs up and smile at him as I would exit the door, and wait ti see his smiling face and his thumbs up at me before I closed the door.
Feb 5th: Liahona remembers on one children's music cd, that Caleb loved the racing song.
Feb 5th: The girls remember when at the WIC appt with Mom, while playing with the real fire man boots, how Caleb's shoe got stuck inside. He said, "Aaah, my shoe." And we all laughed! =)
Feb 6th: Tamara remembers playing on the WIC teeter totter with Caleb.
Feb 6th: Mom remembers holding Montey on one side of the teeter totter because Caleb wanted to play on it with his brother.
Feb 7th: Tamara remembers how nervous Caleb got when crossing the jungle bridge under the waterfall at the Omaha Zoo. And that he would hold on Really tight to the ropes as he crossed to the other side. And getting so proud of himself once he crossed.
Feb 8th: Dad remembers how silly and goofy Caleb would be.
Feb 8th: Tamara remembers that Caleb would always share.
Feb 8th: Liahona remembers that Caleb would always play her games with her that she wanted to do.
Feb 9th: Mom remembers that Caleb liked the spiral Mac'n'cheese the best bought at Hyvee grocery store.
Feb 9th: Mom remembers how Caleb talked her into buying pokemon mac'n'cheese.
Feb 9th: The girls remember going on a field trip to the 'Great Harvest' bread store. And how Caleb was the 1st to be spun in the mixing bowl, and how he was scared.
Feb 9th: Mom remembers how excited Caleb was to grow his wheat that he got from Great Harvest.
Feb 9th: Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would always fight over the straw-bowl to use in the morning.
Feb 10th: Dad remembers that Caleb was scared of catching the medium to bigger toads at first, but then over came that fear and could chase after and catch them with no problem.
Feb 10th: Liahona remembers how a big toad peed on Caleb. And how Caleb said, "Eeww, he peed on me."
Feb 10th: Liahona remembers driving cars in the dirt with Caleb before the yard grew grass. And how they would step on pokey things.
Feb 10th: Tamara remembers driving cars with Caleb on the grass as it finally grew in.
Feb 11: Liahona remembers when playing at the park with homeschool friends Grayson and Nicky and Caleb and Tamara. How her and the homeschool friends kept encouraging Caleb to climb up the slide with sharp turns, but still would not.
Feb 11: Liahona remembers in Oregon how her and Caleb were at the Schnell's house playing and they were trying to open a vitamin jar but they couldn't and only Margaret could. But then once they read Caleb could then Liahona could next.
Feb 11: Liahona remembers on Ella Enchanted while watching it with Caleb, how he would always miss the Orge Bum part, and would say, "I didn't see it." And would get upset because Liahona would see it everytime the movie was on and he would always miss it.
Feb 12: Tamara remembers Caleb just being very crazy and silly sometimes.
Feb 12: Dad remembers how Caleb loved sloppy joes, baked beans, and corn on the cob.
Feb 12: Dad remembers how much Caleb enjoyed watching him play church basketball.
Feb 12: Liahona remembers how Caleb could almost walk on his hands in a handstand.
Feb 12: Liahona remembers how Caleb would hold Montey's shoulders and shake his head at Montey while making silly faces in his face.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Healing Twinkle Within
Dear Caleb,
Oh Caleb, where do I start? I posted on the 24th, but I had to delete it. I received a beautiful piece of wisdom in December, and felt that I was suppose to tell you about it. But a curve came in our road, and I felt that I couldn't live up to it. I did not want to have people think that I was a hypocrite for me not following the further light and knowledge that I was given. Perhaps I will post on it another time.
Since the beginning of this new year, I have emotionally been going down hill, fighting Satan with this depression tsunami... I have failed so many times to get out of his reach and he got a hold of my heart many times. Filling it with fear, anger, and failure sunk in, making myself feel miserable.
"I feel like yelling;
I feel like screaming;
I just want to sleep and keep on dreaming.
For each step I take forward;
Is about 100 steps backward.
Some days I just can't take this;
It's a blur, a blah, an abyss.
Memories of the past haunt my mind;
I buckle under pressure and only come to find.
That even though I may feel like I am losing;
It is only but a small chapter closing.
Allowing me to see the bigger side;
Pulling, pushing me forward so that we may all be alive.
To stop, to give up, is to but die;
To move forward, onward is not goodbye.
I've got to keep my focus;
On my Savior and not hocus pocus.
It is only through my older brother;
That I am able to stand no matter the weather.
This is so hard, but I will hold on tight;
I will just look up to God in the heavens of light."
Three weeks ago really pushed my limits to an unknown level. Your father was called to be Scoutmaster in our church ward. Emotions and Words were swirling in my head and out loud. I know that your father will do well, I just worry about me being able to support him. I feel we are walking into that unknown bitter darkness again... and oh I am just praying that light will be coming soon. Your father told me that he needed to get all the necessary things to help him with this calling, so you know what that meant. Yup, he headed for the Scout store. I was a mess. I was angry. I was scared. I was so full of ache. As he started to drive away, I bursted into tears. I txted him pleading for him not to go, but to come back. Being the loving father that we both know him to be, he did just that. As he came through the front door I threw my arms around him and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
Later that very day, we actually drove as a family to the Scout store. I drove us. It was so hard, and yet I could feel God's love at the same time. It was so amazing to my mind, to my heart, to my whole being. While we were waiting for your father to get all the things he needed, the spirit spoke to me. I heard, "Caleb does not need cub scouts, but you do." And I was inspired to purchase a few things... well okay a lot of things. Let's just say it was a very expensive grief transaction. Caleb your siblings and I will be finishing what you began. We will be going through the Wolf Book, the Bear Book, and the Weblos Book before you turn 12. As we left I felt so lifted, and for the first time felt that it was okay to say the words Cub Scouts. And I actually felt excited to open those books.
On a grief level of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, before this outing I was at a 10. Now I can proudly say that I am at a 6. Slow progress is in the works. My spirit is so willing to just do and learn all that God our Father in Heaven has for me, for us. But my body, oh my weak, weak, weak mortal body is kicking and screaming. I know that I probably would not have made it over this huge hurdle, if it were not for these loving pushes from above. And I would not have felt of the momentous healing twinkle within myself, if I was not pushed towards my fears, towards my anger, towards where my heart aches the most and shivers when anything scouts is mentioned.
I honestly don't know how we are going to make this work. The only thing that I do know, is that we will, because we have the best support group from above. We so love you our sweet Ka-bub. Please don't stop pleading and petitioning for prayers to help us on this short journey while we are away from you.
Love Your Mommy
Oh Caleb, where do I start? I posted on the 24th, but I had to delete it. I received a beautiful piece of wisdom in December, and felt that I was suppose to tell you about it. But a curve came in our road, and I felt that I couldn't live up to it. I did not want to have people think that I was a hypocrite for me not following the further light and knowledge that I was given. Perhaps I will post on it another time.
Since the beginning of this new year, I have emotionally been going down hill, fighting Satan with this depression tsunami... I have failed so many times to get out of his reach and he got a hold of my heart many times. Filling it with fear, anger, and failure sunk in, making myself feel miserable.
"I feel like yelling;
I feel like screaming;
I just want to sleep and keep on dreaming.
For each step I take forward;
Is about 100 steps backward.
Some days I just can't take this;
It's a blur, a blah, an abyss.
Memories of the past haunt my mind;
I buckle under pressure and only come to find.
That even though I may feel like I am losing;
It is only but a small chapter closing.
Allowing me to see the bigger side;
Pulling, pushing me forward so that we may all be alive.
To stop, to give up, is to but die;
To move forward, onward is not goodbye.
I've got to keep my focus;
On my Savior and not hocus pocus.
It is only through my older brother;
That I am able to stand no matter the weather.
This is so hard, but I will hold on tight;
I will just look up to God in the heavens of light."
Three weeks ago really pushed my limits to an unknown level. Your father was called to be Scoutmaster in our church ward. Emotions and Words were swirling in my head and out loud. I know that your father will do well, I just worry about me being able to support him. I feel we are walking into that unknown bitter darkness again... and oh I am just praying that light will be coming soon. Your father told me that he needed to get all the necessary things to help him with this calling, so you know what that meant. Yup, he headed for the Scout store. I was a mess. I was angry. I was scared. I was so full of ache. As he started to drive away, I bursted into tears. I txted him pleading for him not to go, but to come back. Being the loving father that we both know him to be, he did just that. As he came through the front door I threw my arms around him and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
Later that very day, we actually drove as a family to the Scout store. I drove us. It was so hard, and yet I could feel God's love at the same time. It was so amazing to my mind, to my heart, to my whole being. While we were waiting for your father to get all the things he needed, the spirit spoke to me. I heard, "Caleb does not need cub scouts, but you do." And I was inspired to purchase a few things... well okay a lot of things. Let's just say it was a very expensive grief transaction. Caleb your siblings and I will be finishing what you began. We will be going through the Wolf Book, the Bear Book, and the Weblos Book before you turn 12. As we left I felt so lifted, and for the first time felt that it was okay to say the words Cub Scouts. And I actually felt excited to open those books.
On a grief level of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, before this outing I was at a 10. Now I can proudly say that I am at a 6. Slow progress is in the works. My spirit is so willing to just do and learn all that God our Father in Heaven has for me, for us. But my body, oh my weak, weak, weak mortal body is kicking and screaming. I know that I probably would not have made it over this huge hurdle, if it were not for these loving pushes from above. And I would not have felt of the momentous healing twinkle within myself, if I was not pushed towards my fears, towards my anger, towards where my heart aches the most and shivers when anything scouts is mentioned.
I honestly don't know how we are going to make this work. The only thing that I do know, is that we will, because we have the best support group from above. We so love you our sweet Ka-bub. Please don't stop pleading and petitioning for prayers to help us on this short journey while we are away from you.
Love Your Mommy
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas Is here again
Dear Caleb,
I am greatly missing you this Christmas Season, I hate to say that I dislike Christmas because I don't, it's just so hard to be happy. I am trying really hard to not be a downer when I am around others and seem like I'm a baa humbug. But with all the memories: getting out your Christmas train, putting up your special ornaments.... it's just so piercing to my heart. It hurts and I just want to cry all the time; it just doesn't seem possible to be happy during this time without you here. The ache is oh so terribly bitter during these Christmas times. Times that you just loved so much and looked forward too with your count down paper chains.
I've been listening to Christmas music with your siblings as we would drive around, trying to perk me into the mood but even the Christmas music sounds different to me again this year. And there are three songs specifically that keep bringing tears to my eyes and I get lost in the words. The first song is called, 'Christmas All Over Again' It says, "It is Christmas time again, decorations are hung by the fire, everyone is singing and all the bells are ringing out, and it's Christmas all over again." I am once again just going through the emotions of Christmas, everyone I see seem happy, and yet I keep thinking to myself, 'It's Christmas time again, here we go again' followed by a sour stomach every time. The second song is called, 'Somewhere in my memory.' It says, "Somewhere in my memory finds the joy of Christmas, living in my memory, all of the music, all of the magic, all of the family at home with me." I am trying so hard not to compare all present Christmas's to the ones that we shared with you. But it is just so hard to find all that joy and laughter and magic without you here with us. And the third song is called, 'Where are you Christmas.' It says, "Where are you Christmas why can't I find you, why have you gone away? Where is the laughter you used to bring me, why can't I hear music play? My world is changing I'm rearranging, does that mean that Christmas changes too?"
Caleb I know that the real reason of Christmas has not changed. I know that the only way to find pure joy has never changed either. It is the same and has been and ever will be forever. And it is through Christ our Lord, who was born in a lowly manger in Bethlehem. It is only because of him that I can hold my head high as tears stream down my cheeks; it is through him that saves, it is through him that will allow us to be together again.
This Christmas, I am brought back to my thoughts on Mary, the Mother of Jesus. How brave; how strong; how faithful and valiant she must have been- to carry the weight of knowing that her precious son would only stay for a short while, and then return home above. I have written a poem about her; It's called, 'Mary's Tribute.'
"I look to Mary with amazing awe,
As she was faithful in what she heard and saw.
How could one be so firm and true,
Knowing that her son's life would soon be due.
To carry such a constant ache in her heart,
I'm amazed that it never tore her apart.
She stood so valiant and oh so strong,
And never complained or thought God was wrong.
How I want to be more like her,
That obeyed God's will to become an accomplisher."
Caleb, sweet Caleb, I want to give you a present of my heart which is better then any physical gift of toys and things. I want to promise to you that I will try to be more like Mary: one who is strong, one who is focused always on God's will, one who finds progress through Christ. I cannot bear to disappoint you again, nor our family. I will kept pushing our family moving forward towards you. Thankfully we are not alone in this bitter work, we have the best loving supporting family on our side- God our Eternal Father and in his living, resurrected son Jesus Christ. Because of them we can do this, we will do this, there is no other way then God's way, so we will hold on tight as we follow his lighted path for us- with our aching hearts and tear stained faces. Because we know that we are promised everlasting joy if we but endure to the end, so we move with faith and trust- knowing that all WILL be made right!
We so dearly love you our Kabub. Merry Christmas Buddy Boy.
Love Your Mommy
I am greatly missing you this Christmas Season, I hate to say that I dislike Christmas because I don't, it's just so hard to be happy. I am trying really hard to not be a downer when I am around others and seem like I'm a baa humbug. But with all the memories: getting out your Christmas train, putting up your special ornaments.... it's just so piercing to my heart. It hurts and I just want to cry all the time; it just doesn't seem possible to be happy during this time without you here. The ache is oh so terribly bitter during these Christmas times. Times that you just loved so much and looked forward too with your count down paper chains.
I've been listening to Christmas music with your siblings as we would drive around, trying to perk me into the mood but even the Christmas music sounds different to me again this year. And there are three songs specifically that keep bringing tears to my eyes and I get lost in the words. The first song is called, 'Christmas All Over Again' It says, "It is Christmas time again, decorations are hung by the fire, everyone is singing and all the bells are ringing out, and it's Christmas all over again." I am once again just going through the emotions of Christmas, everyone I see seem happy, and yet I keep thinking to myself, 'It's Christmas time again, here we go again' followed by a sour stomach every time. The second song is called, 'Somewhere in my memory.' It says, "Somewhere in my memory finds the joy of Christmas, living in my memory, all of the music, all of the magic, all of the family at home with me." I am trying so hard not to compare all present Christmas's to the ones that we shared with you. But it is just so hard to find all that joy and laughter and magic without you here with us. And the third song is called, 'Where are you Christmas.' It says, "Where are you Christmas why can't I find you, why have you gone away? Where is the laughter you used to bring me, why can't I hear music play? My world is changing I'm rearranging, does that mean that Christmas changes too?"
Caleb I know that the real reason of Christmas has not changed. I know that the only way to find pure joy has never changed either. It is the same and has been and ever will be forever. And it is through Christ our Lord, who was born in a lowly manger in Bethlehem. It is only because of him that I can hold my head high as tears stream down my cheeks; it is through him that saves, it is through him that will allow us to be together again.
This Christmas, I am brought back to my thoughts on Mary, the Mother of Jesus. How brave; how strong; how faithful and valiant she must have been- to carry the weight of knowing that her precious son would only stay for a short while, and then return home above. I have written a poem about her; It's called, 'Mary's Tribute.'
"I look to Mary with amazing awe,
As she was faithful in what she heard and saw.
How could one be so firm and true,
Knowing that her son's life would soon be due.
To carry such a constant ache in her heart,
I'm amazed that it never tore her apart.
She stood so valiant and oh so strong,
And never complained or thought God was wrong.
How I want to be more like her,
That obeyed God's will to become an accomplisher."
Caleb, sweet Caleb, I want to give you a present of my heart which is better then any physical gift of toys and things. I want to promise to you that I will try to be more like Mary: one who is strong, one who is focused always on God's will, one who finds progress through Christ. I cannot bear to disappoint you again, nor our family. I will kept pushing our family moving forward towards you. Thankfully we are not alone in this bitter work, we have the best loving supporting family on our side- God our Eternal Father and in his living, resurrected son Jesus Christ. Because of them we can do this, we will do this, there is no other way then God's way, so we will hold on tight as we follow his lighted path for us- with our aching hearts and tear stained faces. Because we know that we are promised everlasting joy if we but endure to the end, so we move with faith and trust- knowing that all WILL be made right!
We so dearly love you our Kabub. Merry Christmas Buddy Boy.
Love Your Mommy
Thursday, November 24, 2011
A Thankful Heart of Contentment
Dear Caleb,
I want to thank you for the beautiful gift you gave me the 2 days before Thanksgiving, as I was going into Montey's room for another night-tare moment during the night. As I walked past your room and started to walk into Montey's room, in the corner of my eye I saw you playing on your floor with your toys that were left out from your sisters the day before. You were wearing your long t-shirt pajamas and had them pulled over your legs, as you were playing, and I thought to myself, "Oh look Caleb is up playing so quietly with his toys... boy he's such a sweet and considerate child." I took only 2 steps into Montey's room when I realized what I had just saw and what I had just said. I stopped moving forward and quickly ran back towards your room.... but this time you were not there, just your toys that you were playing with. The day before Thanksgiving as we were picking up our home, I told your sisters how you were here, and how important it is for us to leave out some of your toys, because you like to come home to play with them. They all agree that they will do this for you.
Well Caleb, I have finally been able to see glimmers of sun beams shining through these never ending stormy, gloomy clouds. But before this, I was feeling myself fall deeper, and deeper into a depression. I have been unhappy with myself, causing things to be unhappy at home. I was getting so tired of being the problem and causing all the problems. So many people have told me, that you would want me to be happy- but with all honesty I had NO idea how to do that or even know where to start. The idea of living a happy life got knocked out of me like one feels when being punch in the stomach... it just makes it hard to breath and move. I have been going through the emotions as one would live their life; wake up, get out of bed, feed the kids, do school with the kids, make lunch, finish school, do chores, make dinner, go to bed. But I have not truly being 'living.' My mind was set to a certain channel, that I have been living to die. I have given up on almost everything: going, doing, and being what I use to do and be. I have just been letting life hit me as it comes, instead of trying to enjoy the moments of what time I may still have left with our family here on earth.
There was a family, the Jaques family, that came across the plains with the Martin Handcart Pioneers- my feelings are almost identical . On October 17, 1864 John Jaques wrote about the passing of his daughter Rose. "At about 8 o'clock in the morning our poor little darling died. This was a heavy blow to us, as she was a lovely and sensible child and we had fondly hoped that she would live to be a help and comfort and companion to her mother. We both felt that were it not for our boys, we could cheerfully have gone down to the grave with our dear little daughter. When will the resurrection come, that we may have our darling back again?" After Rose was buried two days later, her father felt that all life's beauties had gone with her. "How desolate the house seemed," he wrote, "and the garden and the trees and vines. All their charms seemed to have gone into the grave with our poor darling."
It amazes me that even about 150 years later, the feelings of loss are the same. Everything has been gray, gloomy in my life, everything has been half empty, nothing has brought even a remoteness spark of life back into my limpless life since you returned home. I haven't even allowed myself to try, for all guilt sets in when I think that I might be able to change my thinking to half full. Until just recently......
Right before the Martin Handcart company finally made it to Salt Lake Valley on Sunday November 30, many were still at church. President Brigham Young, the second Latter-day Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, dismissed all to go home and to prepare their homes to help the people that were coming. Brigham Young said, "You know I would give more for a dish of pudding and milk, or a baked potato and salt, were I in their situation of those peoples who have just come in, than I would for all your prayers, though you were to stay here all afternoon and pray. Prayer is good, but when baked potatoes and pudding and milk are needed, prayer will not supply their place on this occasion; give every duty its proper time and place..."
From those words, it got my squeaky, rusty wheels turning again. Helping me to notice that I have only been doing what John Jaques' mentioned, just praying and asking to know when the resurrection will come, so that we may be with you again. Though praying is good as Brigham Young said, yet, everything must be given it's proper time and place; especially with taking better care of the gift of life- for that is what it is, a Gift. We are only here for but a moment. I can not expect to receive a golden ticket home like you, I am expected to work and to be found worthy to receive that even higher gift called eternal life.
It has been very awkward and even uncomfortable at times as I have begun my first steps into the rays of sunbeams, through my ever so dark and gloomy clouds of emotions. There have been several that have mentioned how glad they are to see me happy. I have even found myself singing in the shower and humming while I eat. But it is not happiness they see. For me to be happy again, even to the measure of what I was with you here, can only be obtained later when we are a family forever. But I have found that one can be content with what God has given us. I am content Caleb. I am happier because I have fully allowed God to take control of our families life and path. I can no longer expect to be in control, for I am not; nor was I ever. How weird of me for thinking any differently, but how thankful I am to know in whom I trust. How thankful we are at this Thanksgiving time of year, to be given the gift of contentment.
How we ache for your presence again, the longing is sometimes unbearable, but through Christ, because of Christ, ALL will be made right.... we will see.... all will be made right.
=)Love Your Mommy
I want to thank you for the beautiful gift you gave me the 2 days before Thanksgiving, as I was going into Montey's room for another night-tare moment during the night. As I walked past your room and started to walk into Montey's room, in the corner of my eye I saw you playing on your floor with your toys that were left out from your sisters the day before. You were wearing your long t-shirt pajamas and had them pulled over your legs, as you were playing, and I thought to myself, "Oh look Caleb is up playing so quietly with his toys... boy he's such a sweet and considerate child." I took only 2 steps into Montey's room when I realized what I had just saw and what I had just said. I stopped moving forward and quickly ran back towards your room.... but this time you were not there, just your toys that you were playing with. The day before Thanksgiving as we were picking up our home, I told your sisters how you were here, and how important it is for us to leave out some of your toys, because you like to come home to play with them. They all agree that they will do this for you.
Well Caleb, I have finally been able to see glimmers of sun beams shining through these never ending stormy, gloomy clouds. But before this, I was feeling myself fall deeper, and deeper into a depression. I have been unhappy with myself, causing things to be unhappy at home. I was getting so tired of being the problem and causing all the problems. So many people have told me, that you would want me to be happy- but with all honesty I had NO idea how to do that or even know where to start. The idea of living a happy life got knocked out of me like one feels when being punch in the stomach... it just makes it hard to breath and move. I have been going through the emotions as one would live their life; wake up, get out of bed, feed the kids, do school with the kids, make lunch, finish school, do chores, make dinner, go to bed. But I have not truly being 'living.' My mind was set to a certain channel, that I have been living to die. I have given up on almost everything: going, doing, and being what I use to do and be. I have just been letting life hit me as it comes, instead of trying to enjoy the moments of what time I may still have left with our family here on earth.
There was a family, the Jaques family, that came across the plains with the Martin Handcart Pioneers- my feelings are almost identical . On October 17, 1864 John Jaques wrote about the passing of his daughter Rose. "At about 8 o'clock in the morning our poor little darling died. This was a heavy blow to us, as she was a lovely and sensible child and we had fondly hoped that she would live to be a help and comfort and companion to her mother. We both felt that were it not for our boys, we could cheerfully have gone down to the grave with our dear little daughter. When will the resurrection come, that we may have our darling back again?" After Rose was buried two days later, her father felt that all life's beauties had gone with her. "How desolate the house seemed," he wrote, "and the garden and the trees and vines. All their charms seemed to have gone into the grave with our poor darling."
It amazes me that even about 150 years later, the feelings of loss are the same. Everything has been gray, gloomy in my life, everything has been half empty, nothing has brought even a remoteness spark of life back into my limpless life since you returned home. I haven't even allowed myself to try, for all guilt sets in when I think that I might be able to change my thinking to half full. Until just recently......
Right before the Martin Handcart company finally made it to Salt Lake Valley on Sunday November 30, many were still at church. President Brigham Young, the second Latter-day Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, dismissed all to go home and to prepare their homes to help the people that were coming. Brigham Young said, "You know I would give more for a dish of pudding and milk, or a baked potato and salt, were I in their situation of those peoples who have just come in, than I would for all your prayers, though you were to stay here all afternoon and pray. Prayer is good, but when baked potatoes and pudding and milk are needed, prayer will not supply their place on this occasion; give every duty its proper time and place..."
From those words, it got my squeaky, rusty wheels turning again. Helping me to notice that I have only been doing what John Jaques' mentioned, just praying and asking to know when the resurrection will come, so that we may be with you again. Though praying is good as Brigham Young said, yet, everything must be given it's proper time and place; especially with taking better care of the gift of life- for that is what it is, a Gift. We are only here for but a moment. I can not expect to receive a golden ticket home like you, I am expected to work and to be found worthy to receive that even higher gift called eternal life.
It has been very awkward and even uncomfortable at times as I have begun my first steps into the rays of sunbeams, through my ever so dark and gloomy clouds of emotions. There have been several that have mentioned how glad they are to see me happy. I have even found myself singing in the shower and humming while I eat. But it is not happiness they see. For me to be happy again, even to the measure of what I was with you here, can only be obtained later when we are a family forever. But I have found that one can be content with what God has given us. I am content Caleb. I am happier because I have fully allowed God to take control of our families life and path. I can no longer expect to be in control, for I am not; nor was I ever. How weird of me for thinking any differently, but how thankful I am to know in whom I trust. How thankful we are at this Thanksgiving time of year, to be given the gift of contentment.
How we ache for your presence again, the longing is sometimes unbearable, but through Christ, because of Christ, ALL will be made right.... we will see.... all will be made right.
=)Love Your Mommy
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