Dear Caleb,
Another month, another post to reflect upon what I have learned this past month, of how I can: be better, do better, and heal better. I often think about the false idea of many, that think that after losing a loved one you can with time, 'Move On' and somehow miraculously be healed! When I come across these people I like to take a moment to explain my new perspective with them. I tell them, We are bodies are like a car. A car requires 4 wheels fully filled properly to drive smoothly without complications. When one looses a loved one, it is like one of our tires pop, it will never be filled again. It makes it very difficult to move with a flat tire: it swerves, it jerks, it's unstable at times... but it can still work. However, it will never be able to move at the pace that it once was used to going. So that individual or family, now need to understand how to move forward with a flat tire. It is not easy, but it is possible. So it is not through time that heals, it is learning to adjust and trying to be content with the unfavorable that they are actually seeing in our eyes.
Tough, tough, tough it was climbing out of this depression since Christmas. The Lord never ceases to amaze me. Right when I feel that I am at wits end, I am always blessed with a strong and powerful message that perks me up and gets me moving forward again. I still had difficulties with answering such basic questions like, "How are you doing?" "How are things?" "How are you feeling?" I almost instantly freeze and get lost for words- then not wanting to be rude I quickly blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Which has always be something like: fair, ok, been better... Then I walk away feeling just awkward, still feeling puzzled with what is the correct thing to answer. I now know what to say, this was the powerful message that helped me to see so much more clearly this month, in knowing how one can still find this "Joy" that has seemed to disappear from our family's life.
As a family we were reading scriptures of the time when Christ was teaching the BeAttitudes in Matthew chapter 5. Later that day I was reading a message from President Harold B Lee about this chapter on Christ's teachings. He said," The word blessed is used many times in these verses. Blessedness is defined as being higher than happiness. Happiness comes from without and is dependent on circumstances; blessedness is an inward fountain of joy in the soul itself, which no outward circumstances can seriously affect."
After reading those words I finally understood why I have been feeling the conflict when asked those basic questions, "How are you?" All my life I would immediately think about all the outward circumstances: if I didn't wake up with a migraine, if I got a full nights rest, if the kids didn't make me pull out my hair; I would answer, "Great, Good, Wonderful." If I woke up to screaming kids all night long, if the kids wouldn't cooperate as we were rushing to get them to school, if I broke a tooth; I would answer, "Surviving, Terrible, Going Crazy." And seeing that my outward circumstances are always going to be unfavorable without you here I have been answering with, "Fair, OK," but never good or great. The awkwardness that I feel every time I answer is the spirit telling me you are wrong! Because inwardly Caleb, I am doing great, our family is doing wonderful. So for me to say less than that, I was and have only been lying to myself. Though we will never be good and wonderful outwardly, we know that it is only inwardly that we can experience this feeling of blessedness, this inner joy, that no outward happiness can even compare too.
Though our culture only responds with the outwardly circumstances, I know that I can only answer inwardly if I am to be honest with myself. For I have to focus on the better way since Blessedness is higher then happiness. Caleb, I can now say that I finally can answer others correctly when I am asked the used to be dreaded question, "How are you," for I answer with, "Blessedness Thank You".
I honestly could not move an inch on this path if it weren't for a loving Father in Heaven to guide us and help us each day. As difficult and bitter this journey has been, it has been an honor to be taught so personally from his loving hand. Each day is a struggle. Each day is a gift. Oh how we know that his promises are TRUE, and we are going to prove our worthiness even if we end up coming home hunched over, and covered with physical and spiritual battle wounds. We will not give up til we receive the promised blessing of being together again.
We SO LOVE YOU Caleb.
Love Your Mommy
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
March Memories (Part 1 made in 2009)
March 1st: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to have me drive in the BIG puddles of water after it rained he would say, "Mom hit that puddle," or " Mom get that puddle."
March 1st: Dad remembers how cold Caleb would get after swimming. And how he liked to take nice long warm showers in the changing rooms.
March 1st: Tamara remembers how Caleb would hide himself inside the lockers of the 'Y' changing room. And how they would play hide'n'seek with them.
March 1st: Dad remembers how Caleb loved to go and play in the game room at the 'Y.' And how Caleb would ask to play a round of Table soccer or ping pong with him.
March 2: Liahona remembers at the library how Caleb would always see who would get the biggest receipt from checking out the most library books.
March 2nd: Mom remembers how Caleb would always ask to play the computer games at the library.
March 2nd: Mom remembers how excited Caleb got when we found the big section of Cam Jensen Books in the library for him to browse through and look for a new Cam Jensen book to read.
March 2nd: Tamara remembers counting the nests in the trees during the winter time. And when they would see one they would yell "NEST!" And say Wow there are a lot of nestesses.
March 2nd: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would count the American flags when they were riding in the van or car.
March 3rd: Liahona remembers playing in Campbell's nursery barn behind house next to the pond. And bring found items back to yard to build a fort with.
March 3rd: Liahona remembers how excited Caleb got when Dad drove on the dirt road in Campbell's Nursery to get home the back way one day.
March 3: liahona remember how her and Caleb liked to go on a scavenger hunt in the back yard and bring home items found like: sticks, rope, metal, wires, and a tire that we still have for our tire swing.
Mach 3: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb loved to catch frogs and toads especially the baby ones in the spring.
March 3: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would mow the lawn under the trampoline with using their scissors. And would cut and cut away.
March 4: liahona remember how her and Caleb would take the small flags from off the lawns of others to play with.
March 4: Dad remembers how Caleb loved to eat grapefruit. Especially when there was lots of brown sugar on it.
March 4: liahona remembers how Caleb talked her into giving him 2 dollars to help pay and buy his Koi Fish, because he did not have enough money.
March 4: Mom remembers how Caleb could blow up balloons but could not tie them. It would make his face turn bright red as he blew up the balloon. The girls that this was really funny.
March 4: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to run downstairs to the laundry room with his sister after a toilet was flushed of bath tub being drained to hear the water draining through the pipes. They would think the sound was so cool to listen too, and funny to hear.
March 5: Liahona remembers once getting mad at Tamara on the trampoline with Caleb and how they both took a little nap on the trampoline because they were mad.
March 5: Liahona remembers when Caleb would do his Art and Drawings that he would usually just use pencil because he did not like art and didn't like doing it for too long.
March 5: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to read Cam Jensen books and say "click" like Cam would.
March 5: Liahona remembers doing the hidden pictures in the friend magazine with Caleb on Sundays during sacrament meeting.
March 5: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb once saw a bees nest inside the Campbell's Nursery Barn behind our house when they went inside to explore.
March 5: The Girls remember when Caleb would get cold he would huddle his arms and hands closely together in the middle of his body right under his chin.
March 6: Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to take his webkinz on the webkinz vacations and how he liked to play the fish submarine game alot of the time while on the vacations.
March 7: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to play 'Ding'. And have a family 'Ding' game to help get out wiggles and extra energy.
March 7: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to make lists. Lists of what to do for the day, or lists for what sport game he would be playing and a list for all those who were planning on coming, and a list for what to do at their valentine's st Patrick's day and Halloween parties. He was all about making lists.
March 8: Liahona remembers how Caleb made a teeny tinny pencil to use and write with at school that he liked to use.
March 8: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to climb on this one tree in the parking lot of the 'Y' as we walked toward the front of the 'y' entrance for PE time. And he got his sister to swing on the tree branch with him too.
March8: Liahona remembers Caleb telling her that when he was in public school kindergarten that when he colored he had to color within the lines.
March 8: Mom remembers how Caleb and Liahona would do a chest bump on the song 'Pharaoh, Pharaoh' by Billy Jonas.
March 9: Liahona remembers how Caleb always wanted a pet snake.
March 9: Liahona had a great dream about Caleb. Caleb came down and made cookies with sprinkles on them with her. Then they went outside to play while they waited for the cookies to be ready to eat. They rode bikes, played tag, played sardines, jumped on the trampoline, got things out from the garage to build a fort, then they came inside to eat cookies. And they saved some for the Drapers and we met them at the castle park and played with the Drapers and shared our cookies with them (It was summer time says Honi.)
March 9: Liahona remembers how at lunch time or snack time her and Caleb would pretend to eat something not good for your body like coffee and act all sluggish then he would eat his fruit or vegs and then it would make his body happy and healthy with energy and would run around the table, and room.
March 9: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would pretend that their eyes would turn colors like on cartoons when they would eat something spicy they would say their eyes are red and bounce back and forth, because the food was HOT!
March 9: Liahona remembers singing and dancing around with Caleb to the song, 'Who let the dogs out, Who Who WHO..." and Mom would say "I let the dogs out." Then they would make up their own verses to the song using different animals, like "Who let the horses out? Who Who Who?" etc And sometimes they would change the tune and different words but still using different animals.
March 9: Liahona remembers when driving in the van and mom would be eating a banana Caleb would say, "I smell a banana." or if she was eating a PB sandwich, he would say, "I smell Peanut Butter." He has a great sense of smell.
March 10: Tamara dreamed that Caleb came down and played puppies with her and Liahona. He said, "Why are there so many puppies?" And mom said, "because there is one for you, one for Liahona, one for Tamara, one for Montey, one for Dad and one for Mom."
March 10: Liahona remember how her and Caleb would tie shirts around their tummies and backs before they would go and fight dad, because that was their armor.
March 11: Tamara remembers that Caleb liked to eat hot cereals for breakfast like Malt 'O'Meal. He liked oatmeal but enjoyed the packet oatmeal the best, like the kind we take camping.
March 12: Liahona remembers how her, Tamara and Caleb like the beginning part of the Disney movie 'The Emperor's New Groove' where the old man was thrown out the window and hanging on the curtain. And how Potshow walked underneath him and handed him his shoe and continued, then ran back after realizing the old mas was stuck and needed help down. They would laugh and laugh at that part.
March12: Liahona remembers how Caleb loved to sing the "I wanna run" webkinz song of the part, "I just want to come in first" really loud, cuz he liked that part the most.
March 13: Mom remembers how reverent Caleb would act and be at church.
march 13: Mom remembers how Caleb would walk fast down the halls at church because he knew that running is not reverent nor ok to do on Sundays.
March 14: Mom remembers how Caleb liked having his webkinz go over to Liahona's and then he liked to play webkinz games against her like checkers and battleship.
March 14: liahona remembers how Caleb like the Primary cd song called, "I want to be a missionary now."
March 14: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb used the bottom bunk bed as a work out. By holding on th the upper beds wooden slats to do flips and pull ups.And would kick their legs up on the upper mattress and push it up and down for a leg work out.
March 15: Mom remembers when at the grocery store with Caleb he would often ask to buy string cheese, go-gurts, and the little yogurt fruit snacks.
March 15: Liahona and Tamara remembers playing around the pond in the backyard and how they found i whole egg and i cracked egg. And how they were trying to keep it away from the neighbor boy. And how Tamara accidentally stepped on it and the neighbor boy called Tamara mean names. But Caleb stood up for Tamara and called him mean names back and said, Don't listen to him Tamara." And walked back home with Tamara.
March 16: Liahona remembers playing a game that her and Caleb made up called 'Toilet.' They would sit on each others back with their clothes on and would then flush by pushing down on a plastic stick in the mouth of the one being the toilet. Then they would switch.
March 16: liahona remembers playing in the puddles of water with Caleb from the outside pipe that broke, which was bursting water inside the laundry room and in to the garage. Liahona saw Caleb playing in the water in the garage and said to Caleb, "Where is all that water coming from?" Caleb said, "I don't know," as he continued to jump in the water. Liahona said, "I'm going to tell Mom about this water." ans Caleb said to her, "No, I am having fun splashing."
March 16: Liahona remembers when the girls would be very loud Caleb out of the blue would put his finger to his mouth and say "Shhhhhhhhh!" very loud and hard that his whole head and body would shake.
March 16: liahona remembers how Caleb would pull all of his special rocks and items that he would find while hiking out to the mountains by a small tree, when he could not carry everything. And Liahona found them all and brought them home to wash and scrub clean, and keep safe for him.
March 17: The girls remember how they and Caleb would laugh at the end giving the webkinz a bath because the mirror would all fog up because that was funny to them.
March 17: Everyone remembers how Caleb loved Saint Patrick's Day! And how he wanted to have a Saint Patrick's Day Party so e had one March 2009.
March 17: Mom remembers how Caleb did not like his sandwiches folded in half the way Grandma Brooks made them.
March 17: Mom dreamed about Caleb. That he came back for us to raise him. Some people thought it was awkward to have him back on earth after they knew he already left once, but as his parents and family we didn't think so, we were super excited to have him back. Though we watched him like a hawk and took pictures of him every minute with fear of never knowing when he might be taken away again. We were happy to see him, and yet we were a little bit sad for him because things just weren't the same for him; his surrounding, his friends, everything had changed. Though we wanted so badly to help him be happy we didn't know exactly what to do.
March 1st: Dad remembers how cold Caleb would get after swimming. And how he liked to take nice long warm showers in the changing rooms.
March 1st: Tamara remembers how Caleb would hide himself inside the lockers of the 'Y' changing room. And how they would play hide'n'seek with them.
March 1st: Dad remembers how Caleb loved to go and play in the game room at the 'Y.' And how Caleb would ask to play a round of Table soccer or ping pong with him.
March 2: Liahona remembers at the library how Caleb would always see who would get the biggest receipt from checking out the most library books.
March 2nd: Mom remembers how Caleb would always ask to play the computer games at the library.
March 2nd: Mom remembers how excited Caleb got when we found the big section of Cam Jensen Books in the library for him to browse through and look for a new Cam Jensen book to read.
March 2nd: Tamara remembers counting the nests in the trees during the winter time. And when they would see one they would yell "NEST!" And say Wow there are a lot of nestesses.
March 2nd: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would count the American flags when they were riding in the van or car.
March 3rd: Liahona remembers playing in Campbell's nursery barn behind house next to the pond. And bring found items back to yard to build a fort with.
March 3rd: Liahona remembers how excited Caleb got when Dad drove on the dirt road in Campbell's Nursery to get home the back way one day.
March 3: liahona remember how her and Caleb liked to go on a scavenger hunt in the back yard and bring home items found like: sticks, rope, metal, wires, and a tire that we still have for our tire swing.
Mach 3: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb loved to catch frogs and toads especially the baby ones in the spring.
March 3: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would mow the lawn under the trampoline with using their scissors. And would cut and cut away.
March 4: liahona remember how her and Caleb would take the small flags from off the lawns of others to play with.
March 4: Dad remembers how Caleb loved to eat grapefruit. Especially when there was lots of brown sugar on it.
March 4: liahona remembers how Caleb talked her into giving him 2 dollars to help pay and buy his Koi Fish, because he did not have enough money.
March 4: Mom remembers how Caleb could blow up balloons but could not tie them. It would make his face turn bright red as he blew up the balloon. The girls that this was really funny.
March 4: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to run downstairs to the laundry room with his sister after a toilet was flushed of bath tub being drained to hear the water draining through the pipes. They would think the sound was so cool to listen too, and funny to hear.
March 5: Liahona remembers once getting mad at Tamara on the trampoline with Caleb and how they both took a little nap on the trampoline because they were mad.
March 5: Liahona remembers when Caleb would do his Art and Drawings that he would usually just use pencil because he did not like art and didn't like doing it for too long.
March 5: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to read Cam Jensen books and say "click" like Cam would.
March 5: Liahona remembers doing the hidden pictures in the friend magazine with Caleb on Sundays during sacrament meeting.
March 5: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb once saw a bees nest inside the Campbell's Nursery Barn behind our house when they went inside to explore.
March 5: The Girls remember when Caleb would get cold he would huddle his arms and hands closely together in the middle of his body right under his chin.
March 6: Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to take his webkinz on the webkinz vacations and how he liked to play the fish submarine game alot of the time while on the vacations.
March 7: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to play 'Ding'. And have a family 'Ding' game to help get out wiggles and extra energy.
March 7: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to make lists. Lists of what to do for the day, or lists for what sport game he would be playing and a list for all those who were planning on coming, and a list for what to do at their valentine's st Patrick's day and Halloween parties. He was all about making lists.
March 8: Liahona remembers how Caleb made a teeny tinny pencil to use and write with at school that he liked to use.
March 8: Mom remembers how Caleb liked to climb on this one tree in the parking lot of the 'Y' as we walked toward the front of the 'y' entrance for PE time. And he got his sister to swing on the tree branch with him too.
March8: Liahona remembers Caleb telling her that when he was in public school kindergarten that when he colored he had to color within the lines.
March 8: Mom remembers how Caleb and Liahona would do a chest bump on the song 'Pharaoh, Pharaoh' by Billy Jonas.
March 9: Liahona remembers how Caleb always wanted a pet snake.
March 9: Liahona had a great dream about Caleb. Caleb came down and made cookies with sprinkles on them with her. Then they went outside to play while they waited for the cookies to be ready to eat. They rode bikes, played tag, played sardines, jumped on the trampoline, got things out from the garage to build a fort, then they came inside to eat cookies. And they saved some for the Drapers and we met them at the castle park and played with the Drapers and shared our cookies with them (It was summer time says Honi.)
March 9: Liahona remembers how at lunch time or snack time her and Caleb would pretend to eat something not good for your body like coffee and act all sluggish then he would eat his fruit or vegs and then it would make his body happy and healthy with energy and would run around the table, and room.
March 9: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would pretend that their eyes would turn colors like on cartoons when they would eat something spicy they would say their eyes are red and bounce back and forth, because the food was HOT!
March 9: Liahona remembers singing and dancing around with Caleb to the song, 'Who let the dogs out, Who Who WHO..." and Mom would say "I let the dogs out." Then they would make up their own verses to the song using different animals, like "Who let the horses out? Who Who Who?" etc And sometimes they would change the tune and different words but still using different animals.
March 9: Liahona remembers when driving in the van and mom would be eating a banana Caleb would say, "I smell a banana." or if she was eating a PB sandwich, he would say, "I smell Peanut Butter." He has a great sense of smell.
March 10: Tamara dreamed that Caleb came down and played puppies with her and Liahona. He said, "Why are there so many puppies?" And mom said, "because there is one for you, one for Liahona, one for Tamara, one for Montey, one for Dad and one for Mom."
March 10: Liahona remember how her and Caleb would tie shirts around their tummies and backs before they would go and fight dad, because that was their armor.
March 11: Tamara remembers that Caleb liked to eat hot cereals for breakfast like Malt 'O'Meal. He liked oatmeal but enjoyed the packet oatmeal the best, like the kind we take camping.
March 12: Liahona remembers how her, Tamara and Caleb like the beginning part of the Disney movie 'The Emperor's New Groove' where the old man was thrown out the window and hanging on the curtain. And how Potshow walked underneath him and handed him his shoe and continued, then ran back after realizing the old mas was stuck and needed help down. They would laugh and laugh at that part.
March12: Liahona remembers how Caleb loved to sing the "I wanna run" webkinz song of the part, "I just want to come in first" really loud, cuz he liked that part the most.
March 13: Mom remembers how reverent Caleb would act and be at church.
march 13: Mom remembers how Caleb would walk fast down the halls at church because he knew that running is not reverent nor ok to do on Sundays.
March 14: Mom remembers how Caleb liked having his webkinz go over to Liahona's and then he liked to play webkinz games against her like checkers and battleship.
March 14: liahona remembers how Caleb like the Primary cd song called, "I want to be a missionary now."
March 14: Liahona remembers how her and Caleb used the bottom bunk bed as a work out. By holding on th the upper beds wooden slats to do flips and pull ups.And would kick their legs up on the upper mattress and push it up and down for a leg work out.
March 15: Mom remembers when at the grocery store with Caleb he would often ask to buy string cheese, go-gurts, and the little yogurt fruit snacks.
March 15: Liahona and Tamara remembers playing around the pond in the backyard and how they found i whole egg and i cracked egg. And how they were trying to keep it away from the neighbor boy. And how Tamara accidentally stepped on it and the neighbor boy called Tamara mean names. But Caleb stood up for Tamara and called him mean names back and said, Don't listen to him Tamara." And walked back home with Tamara.
March 16: Liahona remembers playing a game that her and Caleb made up called 'Toilet.' They would sit on each others back with their clothes on and would then flush by pushing down on a plastic stick in the mouth of the one being the toilet. Then they would switch.
March 16: liahona remembers playing in the puddles of water with Caleb from the outside pipe that broke, which was bursting water inside the laundry room and in to the garage. Liahona saw Caleb playing in the water in the garage and said to Caleb, "Where is all that water coming from?" Caleb said, "I don't know," as he continued to jump in the water. Liahona said, "I'm going to tell Mom about this water." ans Caleb said to her, "No, I am having fun splashing."
March 16: Liahona remembers when the girls would be very loud Caleb out of the blue would put his finger to his mouth and say "Shhhhhhhhh!" very loud and hard that his whole head and body would shake.
March 16: liahona remembers how Caleb would pull all of his special rocks and items that he would find while hiking out to the mountains by a small tree, when he could not carry everything. And Liahona found them all and brought them home to wash and scrub clean, and keep safe for him.
March 17: The girls remember how they and Caleb would laugh at the end giving the webkinz a bath because the mirror would all fog up because that was funny to them.
March 17: Everyone remembers how Caleb loved Saint Patrick's Day! And how he wanted to have a Saint Patrick's Day Party so e had one March 2009.
March 17: Mom remembers how Caleb did not like his sandwiches folded in half the way Grandma Brooks made them.
March 17: Mom dreamed about Caleb. That he came back for us to raise him. Some people thought it was awkward to have him back on earth after they knew he already left once, but as his parents and family we didn't think so, we were super excited to have him back. Though we watched him like a hawk and took pictures of him every minute with fear of never knowing when he might be taken away again. We were happy to see him, and yet we were a little bit sad for him because things just weren't the same for him; his surrounding, his friends, everything had changed. Though we wanted so badly to help him be happy we didn't know exactly what to do.
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