Fall Has Come Again Without You

Dear Caleb,
Fall used to be my favorite season, but now it just seems to feel bitter to me; leaving a sadness taste in my mouth. It's hard to focus on the now when I want the then again. It's also hard to focus on the now, when I want the then of the future to come, too. Sometimes I feel like being suck in the now is a hard thing to do, to endure, to survive yet another day; just to get up and do it all over again. Sometimes it is more difficult then I could have ever imagined it to be, then other days seem to shine a glimmer of hope- calling out to me, "You can do it, you are going to make it." It is a very difficult thing to shake off the natural mind to not think of all the "what if's" and the "if only's." Why do I do that to myself, and put myself in that ringer again and again, I do not know. Maybe to still keep the pain fresh, as to helping me feel close to you, or maybe because I am still wanting to be in denial and not feel the full weight of guilt from everything... But honestly it really doesn't matter the reckoning and reasoning because I will never know the answers that i have been seeking, until later. And believe me, I intend to find out all those what if's and if only answers when I get there.
There was a lady who spoke in sacrament meeting the other Sunday that said something that has made the biggest difference to my mind and my heart. It has been my sole motivation and personal focus to get my sluggish body moving everyday, helping me to see that this everyday "now" IS truly important. She quoted a general authority, but did not mention who it was, which said, "Get Up, Load Your Handcart, and Go to Zion." As she said these words my heart felt as though i had been struck by lighting, I could not move, nor hear anything but those words over and over again as she sat down. The "Get Up" part has been the most difficult part of my whole day, "Why" I would ask myself while lying in bed each morning, "Why do I want to get up to do another day? What's the point?" Until I heard this simple 9 word sentence I could not answer anything else but, I had too, it was my duty as a Wife and Mother. But now I think of the Mormon pioneers; they literally had to Get Up each time they would stumble and fall, after taking time to bury their loved ones along the way... they had to Get Up each time or else they too would not make it to their journey's end to Zion. I cannot just Get Up like I use too. In order for me to Get Up now it requires much faith and trust in the Lord, as the Pioneers had to have with each step that they took. Trusting that as long as I am moving and showing that I can move forward with faith, that I too will be able to reach my journey's end, to be with you again Caleb. Every morning they had to reload, reorganize, and put all their belong back into their handcarts; to prepare for another long journey. I may not have a physical handcart to prepare, pack up, and organize for a long trek, but I have my own physical and spiritual handcarts; my body and mind. These are the things that I need to take care of, that I may do better in preparing myself for each new day; the long trek that I have been given to walk that day. And the purpose for the Pioneers to prepare their handcarts was to Go to Zion. A place where they could rest from their cares and worries, and place to rest their weary, aching bodies. Which just so happens to be my purpose as well, to establish a home, a place of Zion; where we can rest from our worries and cares as a family, knowing and trusting in the Lord that all will be made right, that we will see and be with you again Caleb. In St John 16:22 brings my heart much strength to know that this is indeed true, "And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again,and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you."
We greatly look forward to that day, so until then we will, "Get UP, Load Our Handcarts and Go To Zion."
Love You Buddy Boy, Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb would wash walls by taking a baby wipe or clorox wipe and hold it out on the wall and run up and down/ back and forth, down that halls to get them clean and do his PE at the same time.

Liahona remembers playing fish for treats with Caleb. One would sit on top of the refrigerator and would tie a treat to a long string and lower it down to the other person, then they would switch. (She confessed that they would do this during quiet time, while mom helped Montey go down for his naps.)

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb was like a monkey and would climb up on the counters to get snacks, lunch, breakfast for him and his sisters.

Dad (Eric) remembers how much Caleb loved to be a helper and wash the cars with him.

3 Months old On: September 23, 2001

Dear Caleb, You turned 3months old this day of this month, in the year 2001.
* You were full of life.
*With being tongued tied from birth but not getting it clipped until 1month old, you finally started to learn to eat better, until.....
*Mother realized the month before that she was expecting again and milk supply stopped. You were put on Soy Milk Formula.
You downed the first several bottles given, you loved that stuff. Mainly because it flowed faster than your mom and you were in heaven... and started gaining that Husker Weight.=)
*You loved going on walks in the stroller.
*And that summer we spent lots of our time out doors.
*We would push you to the library, to the store, to the park, and just around the Eastern Washington Campus, there in Cheney Washington.
* WE spent much of our time visiting with good friends that lived on the 1st floor, the Drees' and with the Porters across the parking lot.
*You loved having dad throw you high up in the air and catching you. This would make my heart skip many beats being so overcome with fear and wanting to protect you, my precious little baby boy from anything that would remotely hurt you. I had to look away most of the time and just pray that your father would always catch you, and of course he always did. =)

Your Angel Day

Hi Caleb,
Here are the pictures from Your Angel Day. From our order of 25 butterflies and releasing them. With each butterfly that was released by your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncle, and grandparents they said something nice to you; "I miss you," "I love you," "We wish you were here,".....






We are now trying to build your dream of a bug farm, from the 4 butterflies that we kept and are now laying eggs. We hope to start our own butterfly farm and send them your way often. We love you. =) Love Your Mommy

Aug 23 2001 (2months old)

On The 23rd of Aug of 2001 you were 2months old. WE lived in Cheney Washington. Your father was attending Eastern Washington University, doing his prerequisites in Nursing. We lived in the Anna Maria Apartments on the second floor and we were waiving goodbye to Dad one morning from the balcony on a cold fall day. And the unthinkable happened, the sliding door locked on us. I was so scared and didn't know what to do, it was early in the morning and no one was outside, being so cold. I started to yell and cry out for help, which seemed like forever, actually was only 15mins before someone came by. Thankfully the front door was unlocked from Dad going to school that they were able to let themselves in and rescue us freezing people. I was so embarrassed and yet so overjoyed by the help that I was just so pleased that the Lord sent us someone to help us get back inside that my embarrassment quickly went away. I remember Thanking this guy over and over again.

What you were like at this age:
*You Caleb were very colic at this age.
*You only wanted to be held, or carried in your snugglie. And if we couldn't do that you had to be in your swing. Staying in motion and movement was something that would only make you happy and content. We had no crib for you so you slept on a gym mat with a sheet over it right next to our bed, which was also your baby changing table too. (What can we say, we were super poor college students. But it worked because the apartment was very small too. With it only being a 1 bedroom apartment made it awfully squishy but it worked for us.)
*You loved dancing with mom and dad to classical music. A special baby cd that we got from the hospital that you were born at.
*Realized that were prego with your Irish Twin, Liahona and couldn't produce enough enough for three, so my body stopped producing milk for you. It took us about a week and a half for us to realize that you were extra crabby because you were hungry...=( Daddy and I have always joked about that was the cause of you always being a little smaller. =)