It is Enough

Dear Caleb,

Though I am physically present I've had a very difficult time living in it, as I have longed for the past in Nebraska, and dreamed of the future when we are with you again. Living anywhere but here and now, because that pain has been too hard, too much heart ache from day to day.

It will soon be 6 long years without you and that is very tough to swallow... it has been so long- It feels like forever and I still do not like it, not one bit. But something in me has changed recently, call it a chemical, mental, or attitude change but with our family's new move currently going on, it has allowed for me to make and plan more dreams for here and now with our family.

My perspective has been more of the positive, as well as my conversations with others that I have conversed with lately and that is saying something. That is a really big deal for me to be smiling more and able to communicate without expressing so much anger at and towards everyone, just because they did not loose their son. But it is not their fault, so it is unfair to be angry and judgemental towards others because frankly they just don't know, nor will they ever know, so why did I feel like I needed to punish everyone for smiling and laughing?

It still hurts to see other boys your age, thinking that would have been you enjoying life to the fullest, but it is only hurting me in the long run- holding on to such dreams that will never be ours right now. I am my own punching bag that I keep beating at, again and again throughout these  many years.

And I strongly feel that it is enough, my grieving the aching, the piercing pain... it has been Enough. And it is time to live in the present. I can not do anything about the past. Constantly trying to live in it did not change the outcome, it will never change or go away... it is what it is. And as difficult as that can be to accept, I have learned that one needs to come to terms with it, in facing it head on with what it is- Accepting and Allowing to continue stronger down the road.

I have decided in helping me to let go of the past, I will be ending my letters to you. I have loved every minute with you Caleb. These letters have been my source of strength and encouragement with sentimental needed moments of being with you. But it is time to be here and now. I will check in with you as time continues and write you a note here and there, but writing each month, it is enough.

And as for longing for Nebraska and constantly trying to live there in my mind, your Daddy and I will be going there soon. We will be going to our accident site, which we call 'Caleb's Corner' to retrieve your cross and flowers. It has been good on my heart to have that there, and have friends go out to be with you and replace flowers from time to time, but it is enough.

It is time to start living again and trying to get back in touch with family life and this move will be a great opportunity for me to start again- my 4th chance to start over. But the difference this time is, I know I can do it. This time I know we are moving to where you physically are not so I need not to try and find you. This time I can let go of anger, despair, my longing to live elsewhere. This time is the right time because like you told me Caleb, "It is going to be okay."

I love you my sweet Buddy Boy. I never knew that I could keep living when my heart has been broken and shredded into pieces. Loosing a child was always my worst fear in life, nothing comes close to it in comparison. But I have finally allowed myself to play a new record and it says, "It is enough because everything is going to be okay."

See you in my Dreams Buddy Boy.
Love You Always, Your Momma

Happy 14th Birthday

We Love You and Miss you greatly. Happy Birthday to you our Sweet K-bub! Love You Always!!

Memorial Day Tribute For You

~Memorial Day:~

It is so hard to look back in days that are past,

Thinking that if only it would have last.

Never stopping to think if things would never change,

And now life is ever so different and strange.

Without you here I am just in a daze,

And wonder if I can ever change the ways.

What would I give to just have a moment with you,

Oh the things I would say and the things I would do.

To show you my love and that I am still true,

Because without you it is hard to not feel blue.

I know you would want me to smile and say,

Keep moving forward it is going to be okay.

And how you would whisper that you are still near by,

Even when I feel the urge and begin to cry.

I stop at this time and I think of you,

Thank you for all that you have done and all that you do.

To have you in my life I am blessed beyond measure,

You are my rock, my love, my treasure.

~By: Tanya Nicole~

Time to stop running, Time to start accepting...

Dear Caleb,

The process of letting go is never an easy one. How much does one have to keep letting go? How long does one have to continue letting go, before they are done, before it is finished, before it is enough? How I wish that it would come now. I wish this time would end. How I wish it would be completed, because with each piece that is released, a piece of my heart aches and bleeds right along with sending it away. How often it is said that letting go makes the path possible to be filled with more, and without the empty space it is physically impossible to receive what's meant to come bless and heal. But what if that empty space is so piercingly penetrating to your heart to even be replaced with something else? Because you just long and want to keep it all and never let go, never! If I could we would forever own four homes: First, our duplex in Spokane where you were happy and little. Second, our home in Salem where you blossomed and grew. Third, our home in Lincoln where you grew up and matured into an amazing young man. Fourth, our home in Lake Stevens which was a splitting image of our home with you in Salem; Remembering the walls where you would hit your head or your knee, the timeout corner that you would put yourself in without us telling you, your room where you would happily go down for a nap without even a complaint... Yes, I would keep these all, forever!
I am tired of just having memories. I'm tired of letting go of the physical and being left to just images in my mind. I feel like if I keep letting go of all the physical there will be nothing left of you. I'm feeling torn, I understand the concept of letting go making room making space for growth and healing. But then I feel that if you let go, because we are physical beings living in a physical world, if you remove all of that there is the possibility of slowly forgetting, and I never ever want that. So there is my dilemma, there is my predicament. So how does one move on? How much does one let go? That is the agonizing question.
So, as you know Caleb our 13th move as a family is arriving. When you were young, these moves were for work and school, work and school. The moves after you were rescued into the heavens, I like to claim that they were for work too, but really I was just wanting to run away and was desperately hoping to find you at each new place. But I never could find you, and the depression would get deeper, darker, almost to the point that it was unbearable.  This is the first move where I know I cannot run away anymore. I have accepted things as they are, I know I do not need to seek you out at our new place. Physically, I will always want you near, I will always want you nearby, but that is just not our lot that we are blessed with at this time. I know that you will always and have always been with us in spirit and I am grateful for that, but on a broken grieving mother's heart it is just not enough. I hope someday I can make peace with it until we are with you again.
Love you very much.  Take care of yourself my buddy boy.
Love You Always, Your Mommy