Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Happy 14th Birthday
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Memorial Day Tribute For You
It is so hard to look back in days that are past,
Thinking that if only it would have last.
Never stopping to think if things would never change,
And now life is ever so different and strange.
Without you here I am just in a daze,
And wonder if I can ever change the ways.
What would I give to just have a moment with you,
Oh the things I would say and the things I would do.
To show you my love and that I am still true,
Because without you it is hard to not feel blue.
I know you would want me to smile and say,
Keep moving forward it is going to be okay.
And how you would whisper that you are still near by,
Even when I feel the urge and begin to cry.
I stop at this time and I think of you,
Thank you for all that you have done and all that you do.
To have you in my life I am blessed beyond measure,
You are my rock, my love, my treasure.
~By: Tanya Nicole~
Friday, April 24, 2015
Time to stop running, Time to start accepting...
Dear Caleb,
The process of letting go is never an easy one. How much does one have to keep letting go? How long does one have to continue letting go, before they are done, before it is finished, before it is enough? How I wish that it would come now. I wish this time would end. How I wish it would be completed, because with each piece that is released, a piece of my heart aches and bleeds right along with sending it away. How often it is said that letting go makes the path possible to be filled with more, and without the empty space it is physically impossible to receive what's meant to come bless and heal. But what if that empty space is so piercingly penetrating to your heart to even be replaced with something else? Because you just long and want to keep it all and never let go, never! If I could we would forever own four homes: First, our duplex in Spokane where you were happy and little. Second, our home in Salem where you blossomed and grew. Third, our home in Lincoln where you grew up and matured into an amazing young man. Fourth, our home in Lake Stevens which was a splitting image of our home with you in Salem; Remembering the walls where you would hit your head or your knee, the timeout corner that you would put yourself in without us telling you, your room where you would happily go down for a nap without even a complaint... Yes, I would keep these all, forever!
I am tired of just having memories. I'm tired of letting go of the physical and being left to just images in my mind. I feel like if I keep letting go of all the physical there will be nothing left of you. I'm feeling torn, I understand the concept of letting go making room making space for growth and healing. But then I feel that if you let go, because we are physical beings living in a physical world, if you remove all of that there is the possibility of slowly forgetting, and I never ever want that. So there is my dilemma, there is my predicament. So how does one move on? How much does one let go? That is the agonizing question.
So, as you know Caleb our 13th move as a family is arriving. When you were young, these moves were for work and school, work and school. The moves after you were rescued into the heavens, I like to claim that they were for work too, but really I was just wanting to run away and was desperately hoping to find you at each new place. But I never could find you, and the depression would get deeper, darker, almost to the point that it was unbearable. This is the first move where I know I cannot run away anymore. I have accepted things as they are, I know I do not need to seek you out at our new place. Physically, I will always want you near, I will always want you nearby, but that is just not our lot that we are blessed with at this time. I know that you will always and have always been with us in spirit and I am grateful for that, but on a broken grieving mother's heart it is just not enough. I hope someday I can make peace with it until we are with you again.
Love you very much. Take care of yourself my buddy boy.
Love You Always, Your Mommy
The process of letting go is never an easy one. How much does one have to keep letting go? How long does one have to continue letting go, before they are done, before it is finished, before it is enough? How I wish that it would come now. I wish this time would end. How I wish it would be completed, because with each piece that is released, a piece of my heart aches and bleeds right along with sending it away. How often it is said that letting go makes the path possible to be filled with more, and without the empty space it is physically impossible to receive what's meant to come bless and heal. But what if that empty space is so piercingly penetrating to your heart to even be replaced with something else? Because you just long and want to keep it all and never let go, never! If I could we would forever own four homes: First, our duplex in Spokane where you were happy and little. Second, our home in Salem where you blossomed and grew. Third, our home in Lincoln where you grew up and matured into an amazing young man. Fourth, our home in Lake Stevens which was a splitting image of our home with you in Salem; Remembering the walls where you would hit your head or your knee, the timeout corner that you would put yourself in without us telling you, your room where you would happily go down for a nap without even a complaint... Yes, I would keep these all, forever!
I am tired of just having memories. I'm tired of letting go of the physical and being left to just images in my mind. I feel like if I keep letting go of all the physical there will be nothing left of you. I'm feeling torn, I understand the concept of letting go making room making space for growth and healing. But then I feel that if you let go, because we are physical beings living in a physical world, if you remove all of that there is the possibility of slowly forgetting, and I never ever want that. So there is my dilemma, there is my predicament. So how does one move on? How much does one let go? That is the agonizing question.
So, as you know Caleb our 13th move as a family is arriving. When you were young, these moves were for work and school, work and school. The moves after you were rescued into the heavens, I like to claim that they were for work too, but really I was just wanting to run away and was desperately hoping to find you at each new place. But I never could find you, and the depression would get deeper, darker, almost to the point that it was unbearable. This is the first move where I know I cannot run away anymore. I have accepted things as they are, I know I do not need to seek you out at our new place. Physically, I will always want you near, I will always want you nearby, but that is just not our lot that we are blessed with at this time. I know that you will always and have always been with us in spirit and I am grateful for that, but on a broken grieving mother's heart it is just not enough. I hope someday I can make peace with it until we are with you again.
Love you very much. Take care of yourself my buddy boy.
Love You Always, Your Mommy
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Palm Sunday Chat
Dear Caleb,
So I am sitting here with you this Palm Sunday on this Easter week, how much I needed this week to come, to remind me of all of that can and will become ours someday.
I have a hard time with the words joy and happiness, everytime I try to say those words they get choked up in my throat and they cannot come out.
I wish those words only had one meaning for everyone to use in discribing how they feel but sadly that is not so. Trivial,
superficial, come to my mind when I hear people use those words, mainly because at one time I was that kind of a
person, for I knew not what it meant for one to have real happiness or real joy.
I shutter whenever I hear a lesson, or a sermon, or a talk about these subjects. I try to discern through their words to see if it is a superficial or if it is a deeper meaning but really it is not my place to judge where they find their source of joy or so called happiness. One who knows not the bitter cannot understand a deeper sense of joy and happiness, for me I cannot use those words joy or happiness because it does not show depth, it does not go deep enough, so how do I explain it? It is the gift of peace and contentment that helps make one more whole. Yes, it is this very week that gives me the source of foucs and strength with the much needed gift of peace and contentment in a world full of ups and down and unwanted circumstances and experiences.
Shallow happiness cannot sustain one through the bitter circumstances that one goes through in this life. I suppose that is why I cringe when people talk about happiness and joy I just wish deep down inside that it is strong enough to help carry them when their heart is broken and their world is turn upside down. Superficial happiness will not sustain one with a desire to keep living, it must come from deep within. I quickly learned that things did not hold any value or come close to putting a smile on my broken heart.Sadly, because nothing outside of me could ever fix what had happened.
But this Easter week reminds my heart where my gift of peace and contentment come from. I'm thankful for that. Yes, I am definitely thankful for that. I am glad that this week has finally come, it is my saving grace, it is my breath of fresh air, it is my reason to keep living. It speaks to my heart and says I can do this, that I can smile for I have been given the gift of peace and contentment that comes from this time- Easter.
Love You Caleb, Thank you for letting me sit and visit with you in person today, my heart needed it, I am missing you. Love Your Mommy
So I am sitting here with you this Palm Sunday on this Easter week, how much I needed this week to come, to remind me of all of that can and will become ours someday.
I have a hard time with the words joy and happiness, everytime I try to say those words they get choked up in my throat and they cannot come out.
I wish those words only had one meaning for everyone to use in discribing how they feel but sadly that is not so. Trivial,
person, for I knew not what it meant for one to have real happiness or real joy.
I shutter whenever I hear a lesson, or a sermon, or a talk about these subjects. I try to discern through their words to see if it is a superficial or if it is a deeper meaning but really it is not my place to judge where they find their source of joy or so called happiness. One who knows not the bitter cannot understand a deeper sense of joy and happiness, for me I cannot use those words joy or happiness because it does not show depth, it does not go deep enough, so how do I explain it? It is the gift of peace and contentment that helps make one more whole. Yes, it is this very week that gives me the source of foucs and strength with the much needed gift of peace and contentment in a world full of ups and down and unwanted circumstances and experiences.
Shallow happiness cannot sustain one through the bitter circumstances that one goes through in this life. I suppose that is why I cringe when people talk about happiness and joy I just wish deep down inside that it is strong enough to help carry them when their heart is broken and their world is turn upside down. Superficial happiness will not sustain one with a desire to keep living, it must come from deep within. I quickly learned that things did not hold any value or come close to putting a smile on my broken heart.Sadly, because nothing outside of me could ever fix what had happened.
But this Easter week reminds my heart where my gift of peace and contentment come from. I'm thankful for that. Yes, I am definitely thankful for that. I am glad that this week has finally come, it is my saving grace, it is my breath of fresh air, it is my reason to keep living. It speaks to my heart and says I can do this, that I can smile for I have been given the gift of peace and contentment that comes from this time- Easter.
Love You Caleb, Thank you for letting me sit and visit with you in person today, my heart needed it, I am missing you. Love Your Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
