Dear Caleb,
My body can always sense that it is time to visit with you. Here we are on the 24th again, and life has been full of trickling emotions since the rippling effects from the ringer of holidays.
To sort out the emotions into words is a very hard thing to do. Mainly because words can never go deep enough to explain 'the how' of the tender feelings of the heart. But i know that you will always understand my babblings, so here it goes...
So much of the whirl wind continues to blow, though I try so hard to remind myself to stay in the eye of each storm- where it is clam, where you can stay in one place and not get knocked down continuously. It is so hard to pick myself up each time one occurs. Trying to smile through the gusts of emotions and reminding myself to be happy, be happy- it is not as easy as one would think. I know it is a choice to be happy, but I have learned that it is not like a light switch that one can suddenly switch on and immediately "be happy." But telling myself to be happy, get happy, become happy... well the funny thing is that it is not making me happy. The phrase, 'fake it til you make it', has been my hope in someday truly being able to naturally be happy again. I know it is possible, I can feel moments of it coming into our lives again, some more then others, but it is there and it is coming.
I am reminded of this one time with the Mormon Pioneer Saints, when it looked like there was no sign of hope, no sign of miracles to bring forth the happiness of Zion that they were looking for. It was in December of 1838, The Prophet Joseph Smith, with a few others were prisoners in Liberty Jail in Missouri. This jail had no heat. They were kept in the basement with little light and little food to eat. The floor was filthy, and the ceiling was incredibly low that prevented them to have the ability to stand up straight. And on top of that, the Saint had been driven from their homes from the extermination order from the Governor, Lilburn W. Boggs.
Where were the little miracles to keep their smiles on their faces? Where were the ray of lights that showed the way? This is exactly what the Prophet asked God. He said, "O, God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" They were held prisoners for 4 long, cold, miserable months. I know the blessings that are promised to those whom continue to put their faith in God, and allow the love of Jesus Christ to carry us down the paths that we have been trusted to walk. Four years has been our long walk of, "O, God, where art thou?" I know the joy that will come, and will be ours someday, but what about the NOW? I, We need the miracles, the hopes, the small ray of sunlight NOW- that can help us put a smile on our faces NOW!
This is the answer that God gave the prophet during those difficult months, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." I know that the challenges we are given during our lives are to bring us to Christ; to soften our hearts and allow us to change for the better when before we could not because we did not have room for growth. The word Endure makes me cringe, give me any other commandment, and I can do it. Tell me to endure, and well my body screams, "How long?" But I am reminded that the greatest person who endured things and did it so perfectly well, was Jesus Christ- he is the greatest example of Endurance in this life.
Though I may not feel that I have the stamina to 'Endure' especially when my body screams, "Slow Down!"- I know that it is crucial to keep moving forward. I want us to be worthy of obtaining our family goal- to be together again. And I know that just as the Saints received Divine help after a long testing period of 4 hard months, we too will receive Divine help after a long testing period of 4 hard years. I came across something the other day that struck my heart with so much truth, and has given me a push to keep up the journeying of enduring, it was: "What we get during our life is inconsequential, but what we become in life makes all the difference." I know that this is where the 'REAL' happiness finds us, it isn't in things we find outside of the walls of our home, it is ALL within.
We LOVE you our Caleb Boy.
This Endurance thing is aging my body, but I am slowing... very slowly getting it, bit by bit.
Love Always, Your Mommy
Friday, January 24, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Dear Caleb,
Christmas came, Christmas is gone, Today is another day to sing a birthday song.
Your little sister has turned the big ONE, we are hoping to make this a day of fun.
It is so crazy to think of the past, And I often wonder how long the memories will last.
Frustrated by the past, Frustrated by our future, how I just hoped that things would have gone smoother.
Four years wasted in anguish and grief, I am dumbfounded and full of disbelief.
Thinking of what I could have done to be a better person, without being so withdrawn during much uncertain.
Much like Scrooge has been my motto, to ignore my feelings by staying in auto.
Records have been engraven in my mind, causing my heart to continue to be blind.
To change what has been the norm, it for was survival to beat the storm.
It is a risk we are just going to have to take, if we every want to see a miracle break.
Where we are today, I thought we would never get through all the grey.
Sometimes I wish the grey would stay, because it is much easier then welcoming a new day.
Your little sister has become our glue, now we look at those grey clouds and say "Shoo."
Her smile and laugh reminds us how, to look and feel that reverent glow of wow.
To think that we can actually keep living, is something that just takes much of forgiving.
Life has humbled our hearts, with Christ giving us fresh new starts.
What would be do without this time of year, if there was no way to see the hurt slowly disappear.
Though our hearts will always ache, we are hopefully that we will one day receive a break.
We hope you had a joyful Christmas above, one full of gladness and surrounded by love.
We will give your kisses and hugs to your little sister, that she will always feel close to you even when she is bigger.
WE LOVE YOU, CALEB.
Much Love Always,
Love Your Mommy
Your little sister has turned the big ONE, we are hoping to make this a day of fun.
It is so crazy to think of the past, And I often wonder how long the memories will last.
Frustrated by the past, Frustrated by our future, how I just hoped that things would have gone smoother.
Four years wasted in anguish and grief, I am dumbfounded and full of disbelief.
Thinking of what I could have done to be a better person, without being so withdrawn during much uncertain.
Much like Scrooge has been my motto, to ignore my feelings by staying in auto.
Records have been engraven in my mind, causing my heart to continue to be blind.
To change what has been the norm, it for was survival to beat the storm.
It is a risk we are just going to have to take, if we every want to see a miracle break.
Where we are today, I thought we would never get through all the grey.
Sometimes I wish the grey would stay, because it is much easier then welcoming a new day.
Your little sister has become our glue, now we look at those grey clouds and say "Shoo."
Her smile and laugh reminds us how, to look and feel that reverent glow of wow.
To think that we can actually keep living, is something that just takes much of forgiving.
Life has humbled our hearts, with Christ giving us fresh new starts.
What would be do without this time of year, if there was no way to see the hurt slowly disappear.
Though our hearts will always ache, we are hopefully that we will one day receive a break.
We hope you had a joyful Christmas above, one full of gladness and surrounded by love.
We will give your kisses and hugs to your little sister, that she will always feel close to you even when she is bigger.
WE LOVE YOU, CALEB.
Much Love Always,
Love Your Mommy
Monday, November 25, 2013
Healing Stinks!
Dear Caleb,
Things have been "weird" since my birthday last month. Why is it that whenever "healing" is involved it always feels like you take one step forward but, you get the ripple effect of three steps backwards? Sometimes I wonder what's the point, if you always land right on your face again. I have officially decided that healing stinks!!!
Healing hurts and pushes one in ways that is just down right hard and difficult. Sometimes I wonder if the light will ever come. I know that it will, because it always does... but sometimes it is just bleak. I would trade this all just to have "moments" of a normal life again. I get surges of confidence boosts every so often, and that is when the "healing" road picks up again, which always seems to be followed by the drops from the releasing of the ache and pain of the past.
Staying in the past is hard on the heart, relieving the past is hard on the heart... but ignoring it- well that is worse. Though it seems like that is the way to go at times- to ignore the hurt, to ignore the ache, to ignore that you can even feel, gets you no where. But that is an illusion, because we are always moving, for if we are not moving froward, then we are moving backwards.
Four years of crying, and my well of tears are all dried out. I do not cry the way that I used too. It is my heart that does the crying, no know can see but it is always likening: things, others, ways, to our life and it cries often. Grief knows grief so well, it is a welcoming friend at times, especially those wonderful friends that know a deep grief like ourselves.
The one thing that I do not like is that there is so many different ways that it (grief) can be done. It is so difficult to get a handle on the how, the who, the what, of everyone that is dealing with things in their own ways. It can really put a damper on things. Only as of recent times, I have realized a flip side to this. There is a hidden beauty, because that means that there are that many ways that people can receive help from people who have similar feeling, grieving hearts like themselves.
Yes, I have determined that Healing Stinks! I do not like it one bit, I do not like it Sam I Am!
But one gets to do what one has been given to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder if my heart can handle this work. I know that we are not exempted from hardships because of our past, though I often wished that we could be. Yet, I know what needs to be done. Please Dear Lord help our hearts to not fail.
Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy
Things have been "weird" since my birthday last month. Why is it that whenever "healing" is involved it always feels like you take one step forward but, you get the ripple effect of three steps backwards? Sometimes I wonder what's the point, if you always land right on your face again. I have officially decided that healing stinks!!!
Healing hurts and pushes one in ways that is just down right hard and difficult. Sometimes I wonder if the light will ever come. I know that it will, because it always does... but sometimes it is just bleak. I would trade this all just to have "moments" of a normal life again. I get surges of confidence boosts every so often, and that is when the "healing" road picks up again, which always seems to be followed by the drops from the releasing of the ache and pain of the past.
Staying in the past is hard on the heart, relieving the past is hard on the heart... but ignoring it- well that is worse. Though it seems like that is the way to go at times- to ignore the hurt, to ignore the ache, to ignore that you can even feel, gets you no where. But that is an illusion, because we are always moving, for if we are not moving froward, then we are moving backwards.
Four years of crying, and my well of tears are all dried out. I do not cry the way that I used too. It is my heart that does the crying, no know can see but it is always likening: things, others, ways, to our life and it cries often. Grief knows grief so well, it is a welcoming friend at times, especially those wonderful friends that know a deep grief like ourselves.
The one thing that I do not like is that there is so many different ways that it (grief) can be done. It is so difficult to get a handle on the how, the who, the what, of everyone that is dealing with things in their own ways. It can really put a damper on things. Only as of recent times, I have realized a flip side to this. There is a hidden beauty, because that means that there are that many ways that people can receive help from people who have similar feeling, grieving hearts like themselves.
Yes, I have determined that Healing Stinks! I do not like it one bit, I do not like it Sam I Am!
But one gets to do what one has been given to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder if my heart can handle this work. I know that we are not exempted from hardships because of our past, though I often wished that we could be. Yet, I know what needs to be done. Please Dear Lord help our hearts to not fail.
Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy
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