"8" and still aching...

(Computer crashed, unable to post on the 24th.)

Dear Caleb,

Dad just got back from a long school conference, then before that he was in the NW looking for a job. Dad graduates, this next week, 10 long years. It actually breaks my heart to see that we will be moving into a new chapter of life without creating new memories with you. It makes us all the more thankful for our June roses, in these the December of our lives. I do not want to move away from this home, this city, this area that have so many memories of you. But as the Work of the Lord moves on, so will we.
But we do not move on being naive by not understanding, nor in despair, which is the opposite of Hope. WE move on not with lowercase "h" hope, which is only just an approximation of wishes of positive optimism of the future. WE move on WITH the uppercase "H" Hope, which is the Ultimate Hope! It is the assurance that ALL things WILL turn out well, through Jesus Christ. Our "H"ope is strong. Our "H"ope is an anchor to our soul. In our dark difficult nights, such blessed "H"ope helps us to hold on, and not give into despair, when it has been oh so hard to hold on too anything. We do not dare set ourselves against "H"ope to despair. Which is to deny the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, it is to say that Christ... cannot save you Caleb; That Christ cannot heal my broken heart; That Christ cannot bless our family; That the future is closed to any possibilities to receive help in bringing our family back together; That things will never get better; That the dawn will never come.
We KNOW that all of these are FALSE thoughts! There IS "H"ope, there is "H"ope because of Jesus Christ. However the darkness of the night may be or seem, the DAWN WILL ALWAYS COME! We have felt strength from beyond our own capacity of our mortal beings. There is someone who cares for us, hurts for us, and is there to helps us. If only, we can just look beyond what our mortal eyes can see.

Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song called "Spring Is Coming."
We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground
The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown
Now the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stone
And silently seed rise beneath ice and snow

And my heart's heavy now
But I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells me

Spring is coming, Spring is coming
And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear
Spring is coming, Spring is coming
It won't be long now, it's just about here

Caleb, because our of Ultimate "H"ope we will not let you down. We KNOW that we will see and be with you again, a time that is coming soon! We have no other earthly goals nor mortal desires that is stronger than for us to be together again. This is what we are working for, this is what we "H"ope for, which can only be fulfilled through our Savior. Our hearts rejoice to know that our dreams CAN become a reality through our most loving and merciful Lord. What would be the point of heaven if we couldn't be with our families forever? I am grateful to know of the truthfulness of these things, for my heart receives much strength to move forward towards you because of it's push. We love you, Buddy Boy. We ARE doing our part to be together again soon. Love you so very much, Love Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to be silly.
Liahona remembers when Caleb was cold as he got out from the pool at the Y, he would chatter his teeth together really fast.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb liked having Mom drive through the BIG puddles after a rain storm.
Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb loved the color red, and how he liked red heads too. =)

7 Long Ones

Dear Caleb,
There are many dates coming upon us this Spring of which will be very hard to get through. We are not looking forward to have them come without you "physically" here with us, to celebrate together. Montey will be 2 next month. Remember how grouchy he was for his 1st birthday? And how he didn't even want cake and ice cream because he just wanted a nap? Remember how you helped him blow out his candles with your sisters and dad? Montey is still not sleeping through the night. I often wonder at night if it would still wake you up, and cause you to loose sleep... though you never were bothered by it. You were such a happy loving brother that you would often bet me to help Montey at night if I didn't get in there fast enough. I often wonder if I would still have to pick you up at night and put you in the girl's room on the floor so you could get a descent night's rest every once in awhile. I know Montey misses his Brother, and sleeping buddy.
And the Girls,............ they still long for their fun energized silly brother to play with again. There isn't a day that has gone by without a memory being added to your memory journals. It's always, "Remember when Caleb did this"...., and "Remember how Caleb did that".....
And for your dad,............. I know he aches like crazy inside. Yesterday Liahona earned all her school stickers on her chart and it was her turn to go out with dad. They went bowling, something that you loved to do. She sat in the car with him, and I know that he must have reflected on the time that the two of you would go out golfing together. I know he misses you terribly!
And as for me, your mother,...........It literally kills me with internal pain inside. I may look fine on the outside but if you really sat down to talk to me, the wall would just break down with how much this just hurts to have your presence gone from us. I try so hard not to be bitter, angry, and jealous of others; I have had a lot of repenting to do from my lack of strength. If you would have asked me if I thought I would have gotten this trial, I would have told you... "Oh that happens to other people, not me." And yet here I am, in the worst nightmare that I never thought I would be given, nor ready. But who is ever READY for such a trial. I have come to realize that because many do not have this hard trial to face with loosing a personal loved one with learning about the gift of eternal life; that the Lord created animals for us to love. To take into our homes, join us as part of our families, and then see them go. Helping us understand in a small measure of the pain of loss, and to think and ponder about what it would be to lose a loved one. Hopefully teaching and preparing us to always be willing to do what the Lord asks of us, because really HE "IS" the one who knows EVERYTHING. And I am so glad he does Caleb, SO GLAD! Because of my insignificant knowledge and understand of this, I have no choice but to further put my trust on my Savior Jesus Christ.
Easter time is coming and because it hits so close to home it's just another one of those hard dates coming up. I am so grateful for my Savior coming down and fulfilling the Work of Our Father in Heaven, to help us all to be able to come back and live with him again. What if he didn't do all that for us? Say for a minute that there was no Savior? That Jesus's death and crucifixion were not part of the plan for us on this earth. That would make our lives that we live here on earth, all lived in vain, all the knowledge that we obtained, the skills, the talents acquired, all our family ties.... all for nothing, for we would not live again, so once we die that's it our bodies would remain in our earthy graves forever. But this I know, as you know too, that both Death and Resurrection "ARE" part of the plan, the plan to bring true happiness. And because Jesus did come and did die for us, we can be eternally blessed through his infinite atonement, for there is no life lived in vain who have HOPE in Christ.
I am so grateful to know that life is Short and Temporary. For the whole purpose of life is for us to acquire all the knowledge, skills, talents needed to because more like our Savior Jesus Christ, to live with our families and loved ones again. Thank goodness there is a purpose, that there is a way, that we are given this chance to prove ourselves worthy to come home. We are doing our best Caleb, we will NOT fail you, we will be an eternal family someday, hopefully sooner for all our sakes. Love you Our Buddy Boy! =)Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers: How Caleb liked to eat hot cereals for breakfast like: malt'o meal, and oatmeal. He liked the oatmeal packets the best, because they were used on our special family camping trips.

Liahona remembers: How Caleb loved the Primary song called, "I want to be a Missionary Now."

Mom (Tanya) remembers: How Caleb would move his finger up and down really fast over his lips. And would make a really high pitched sound for as long as he could hold his breath, making his face turn Red....(which his mother didn't like.)

Dad (Eric) remembers: How Caleb loved March Madness, and voting for which team would win.

For Our Caleb- 6th Month

Dear Caleb,

This video was made by your Daddy. It's a great piece of work in which honors you, our sweet Caleb, of whom we will always be grateful for your love and great example. From this video we can feel of your wonderful spirit, and all the great things you accomplished in your life. We are very so proud of you. You fought a good fight, and finished your life with flying colors. A parent cannot be anymore proud, then we are!! We love you Caleb! And we are ever so grateful that the time is coming near for us to be with you again, very soon.
Love Your Mommy and Daddy

Memories:

Tamara remembers: How Caleb liked to play 'Lord of the Rings' with Dad on his Game Cube.

Liahona remembers: Ridding and sitting in the back of the van, and Caleb was between her and Tamara. Once Tamara fell asleep and her head hung down in front of her, and Liahona asked Caleb to help push her head back up to one side of the head rest, and he did. Then her head hung back down over and over again, and Caleb would help the sleeping Tamara out again and again.

Mom remembers: That Caleb has the most beautiful ice blue color eyes she has ever seen.

Dad remembers: During the spring, how Caleb liked to have pinecone fights. And during the winter, how Caleb loved to have snowball fights. Competition was a big fun game for Caleb.

5th Month

Dear Caleb Boy,
We have been making a family memory journal about you since the day after the accident. I was wanting to get 365 memories before the New Year so I could make 'A Memory a Day' calendar for us to enjoy throughout this whole next year ahead of us, taking you with us into our new journeys. We have 484 entries written down in your honor, and it keeps growing everyday. How grateful we are to know that these memories are ours forever, and no one can ever take them away from us. As we re-read them, we can't help but laugh and giggle as we remember with you, the great and funny things that you did, that brought us all so much joy. The pain is still very painful at times, but we don't allow ourselves to go there, or else we could get too deep over our heads, which would just make things harder with the healing and pressing onward. Of which in the scriptures we are reminded of that very thing when the Prophet Joseph Smith spoke to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 1842 in Nauvoo Illinois, "Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing. Let the dead speak forth anthems of eternal praise to the King Immanuel, who hath ordained, before the world was, that which would enable us to redeem them out of their prison; for the prisoners shall go free." We have so much trust and love in the Savior that we know that what he promises will indeed come to pass, and is indeed true. Perhaps people may say, "But to put your trust completely in the hands of God, is weak. For we are strong and we can carry our own weight. For is it a silly thing to fully put your trust in something, or someone you can't see? " To them we can say, that it surely does NOT make one weak. After the accident my body hurt incredibly after the wreck. And on top of it, my body felt to be as heavy as lead, and I literally could NOT get out of bed on my own. Our bodies are weak, as to our flesh. But yet I still had duties and responsibilities as a mother to my 3 other children and as a wife, and just as being me. For all the strength of my own was NOT enough, I am humble enough to admit that. Lying there in my bed powerless, but knowing that I could not stay there, I knew that I had to do something. I have only heard that the power of prayer was a very strong source of strength, however I am also humble to admit that I didn't fully understand what that meant. UNTIL now! I started to pray harder than I have ever prayed before, pleading for help to move, the strength to be able to handle the demands of being a mom, a wife, and just me. Somehow in small forms, little by little each day I managed to survive yet another day, with just enough energy to climb into bed to just start yet another day..... The aches and pains were terribly strong, and from moving throughout the day they seemed to make the pains stronger once I laid down on my bed. But throughout the day as I kept moving, they didn't seems to hold me back, in doing my duties, and fulfilling my responsibilities. Then it hit me one day, the strength that came was indeed NOT my own, for I could not do all my duties that needed to be done each day, I just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep forever... on my own it was physically impossible. So what have I learned from all of this? That all that extra strength that came to my aide at the time I needed it was completely from the Lord, through my pleading prayers, little by little my he allowed me that ease and help to bear my earthly burden. This challenge is defiantly the hardest that I have ever had to endure. The constant physical reminders of each day from the loss of your sweet presence, pulls at our very heartstrings. Though now the pain is strong, our JOY WILL be even GREATER then.
The other Saturday, I finished our journey that we had started Caleb. I drove out to the crash site and found the scout store there in Walton. It wasn't too far, and yes we were heading in the right direction, and because we did not make it to our destination, I wanted to finish it for us. It was one of the hardest days I have had since the wreck. As I walked into the scout store I had so many negative emotions that flooded my mind, as I tearfully gathered the pocket knife and scout shirt that we were planning on getting for you, and placed everything on the counter to purchase all my tears came pouring out, leaving the poor lady speechless. I attempted through my sobs to explain our journey that was never finished, and that I was here finishing our journey. And then she handed me my items and said have a nice day. I balled all the way out to the car, in the car, and all the way home. Then after a long 5months our Neon was finally released from those that were investigating the wreck. I have been thinking long and hard about whether or not to go see the car in person once it was released, and I realized that I did NOT need that for my personal healing, and how this would actually make it worse for me instead of helping me heal. Eric and a wonderful family friend John, went to gather our belongs from the car. There are 2 big bags full of items that were from inside the Neon, including your shoes and mine. Dad said finding your shoes was one of the emotionally hardest parts to have had to deal with there. We were unable to get back any of your personal belongs from the wreck. And I really wanted your red soccer shirt back and your favorite army shoes that you were wearing. Now we have your favorite lucky shoes back, of which I am so glad to have. We are hoping to get special new soccer shirts in your honor from the company that made them for Capital Soccer Association league that you played on.
You know Caleb, all and all we are doing Okay, you can't blame us for not doing any better, and most likely that's all we will ever be for the rest of our mortal lives. In which we are ever so grateful for the promised blessing of being an eternal family. That you will always have your place in our little family, the Oldest big brother. Even though we miss you more each day, we are grateful to know that we are ONE DAY closer to you as each passes by. We love you! Love Your Mommy

Our Family Memories:

We remember for Montey that Caleb would not only wrestle with him, but would often encourage it.

Tamara remembers how Caleb would go crazy happy when onions were being served with dinner. And how he would pick them out of his salad and eat them plain.

Liahona remembers how Caleb taught her how to drink from the refrigerator waterspout without using a cup. And how they both enjoyed getting a drink of water this way.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb taught her how to play Pokémon and do the math to keep track to see who would win.

Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb likes to play darts. And how he would often get competitive and disappointed when he threw a bad shot, but then he would get very excited and proud of himself when he threw a good shot, especially when it was better than dad.