Time to stop running, Time to start accepting...

Dear Caleb,

The process of letting go is never an easy one. How much does one have to keep letting go? How long does one have to continue letting go, before they are done, before it is finished, before it is enough? How I wish that it would come now. I wish this time would end. How I wish it would be completed, because with each piece that is released, a piece of my heart aches and bleeds right along with sending it away. How often it is said that letting go makes the path possible to be filled with more, and without the empty space it is physically impossible to receive what's meant to come bless and heal. But what if that empty space is so piercingly penetrating to your heart to even be replaced with something else? Because you just long and want to keep it all and never let go, never! If I could we would forever own four homes: First, our duplex in Spokane where you were happy and little. Second, our home in Salem where you blossomed and grew. Third, our home in Lincoln where you grew up and matured into an amazing young man. Fourth, our home in Lake Stevens which was a splitting image of our home with you in Salem; Remembering the walls where you would hit your head or your knee, the timeout corner that you would put yourself in without us telling you, your room where you would happily go down for a nap without even a complaint... Yes, I would keep these all, forever!
I am tired of just having memories. I'm tired of letting go of the physical and being left to just images in my mind. I feel like if I keep letting go of all the physical there will be nothing left of you. I'm feeling torn, I understand the concept of letting go making room making space for growth and healing. But then I feel that if you let go, because we are physical beings living in a physical world, if you remove all of that there is the possibility of slowly forgetting, and I never ever want that. So there is my dilemma, there is my predicament. So how does one move on? How much does one let go? That is the agonizing question.
So, as you know Caleb our 13th move as a family is arriving. When you were young, these moves were for work and school, work and school. The moves after you were rescued into the heavens, I like to claim that they were for work too, but really I was just wanting to run away and was desperately hoping to find you at each new place. But I never could find you, and the depression would get deeper, darker, almost to the point that it was unbearable.  This is the first move where I know I cannot run away anymore. I have accepted things as they are, I know I do not need to seek you out at our new place. Physically, I will always want you near, I will always want you nearby, but that is just not our lot that we are blessed with at this time. I know that you will always and have always been with us in spirit and I am grateful for that, but on a broken grieving mother's heart it is just not enough. I hope someday I can make peace with it until we are with you again.
Love you very much.  Take care of yourself my buddy boy.
Love You Always, Your Mommy