Happy 12th Birthday

Dear Caleb, As of yesterday you are 12 in our minds, but with your sweet face of an 8 year old boy always remaining in our hearts. I'm torn inside. That inner battle has stirred up again within myself. Familiar feelings of ache, heaviness, and with-drawling seem to be coming and calling to me these past several days, and a part of me wants to give in, because it is so much easier then to fight it off every stink'n' single time. There is a part of a song, darkness, from Simon and Garfunkel that says," Hello darkness my old friend, I come to talk to you again." This is a rather disturbing truth. This darkness has a sleazy way of making me feel comforted. As I know that I have been there, done that route so many times. And it may feel like a nice safe exit from this hurt and facing reality, but it's just a lie that cheats me out on living. I am tired of carrying this broken heart, feeling it's hurt, but it's in the hurt that reminds me I am living and that I am still allowing myself to feel. And truly that is a blessing, reminding me that I am choosing life. I keep telling myself that we are not focusing on what would have been, but we are celebrating of what will be- as we wake up to each new day. I love the story in the New Testament of the father who bring his son to Jesus to be healed. He says, "If thou canst do anything have compassion on us, help us." And Jesus answers with, "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."And the father quickly responded with tears, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." Time and time again, I reflect back upon this story, because I feel like I am that father. I believe, how easy it is to just say that. But the creeping in of fear sometimes takes my better judgement and full heartily saying I believe, isn't exactly true. Caleb, I am not afraid to admit that I have my unbelief moments, and that is when darkness my old friend always sleazes it's way in. I know that God is faithful to us, I am a living statement of this very thing. There is no way I could have ever gotten out of the grief stricken pit that I was in had it not been for his unfailing love and compassion for us/ for me. With everything that has happened, with everything that has been done, I have learned from myself how people "Can Change." I am no way near the person I was in Jr High, or in College. I have changed. It's sad how we imprison each other in our minds of what people used to be back in the day. Thinking that they are the very same person as when we first met them. When it is frankly impossible to stand still, because this whole world is moving, we just can't see it. It is the same with people, we may not see the change in weeks, months, perhaps not until years, but the change comes. I seem to do this a lot with physical traits of friends and family, thinking in my mind of how they were when I last saw them, thinking that they would be and look the same- and yet that always seems to blow me away with the change that occurs. How much I would love to show my old dear school friends, college friends... that I am a different, a better person now. Change is beautiful, just like a butterfly. And if one only chooses to see the caterpillar, well then they are choosing to miss something far more beautiful from the process of change. A small insignificant caterpillar is what I used to be, but I am feeling the beautiful gift of wings carrying me on. How thankful I am for change, what a gift, what a blessing. We love you Caleb. Happy 12th Birthday, you big boy you. Love Your Mommy