I Cannot Say The Smallest Part

Dear Caleb,

"I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.” (Alma 26:16.) This has been my feelings for this whole month, as I have been taking notes on myself and writing down my thoughts in my journal; this month has been very overwhelmingly difficult for me. I started off some what ok, then I just turned into this emotional ball of mess. Caleb I have to be honest with you, I scare myself sometimes. That may sound weird but honestly when I get these uncontrollable outbreaks, it's almost like I am watching myself and thinking I got to stop this person they are out of control, but I can't. Thankfully this one outbreak/ temper tantrum is over. And thankfully they are becoming less frequent, but it got me thinking why are these happening? After each awkward, unfun, outbreak leaves me super exhausted! I finally came to the realization I get these outbreaks because I am fighting against myself. It's as if My Body and My Spirit are constantly at battle one against another, causing much havoc within myself and for those around me. My Body and Mind constantly want to give into these emotions and to be angry with everything that I do not have that others get it have; angry that others have received the miracles that they wanted and I did not; angry that others received warnings to prevent unfavorable situations and I did not..... these emotions are so wearing on my heart.
But my spirit, oh My Spirit reminds me that Our Father is Real, and blesses us with constant tender mercies to help us get through, day by day. My Spirit reminds me that I am not alone with my heartache, that my older brother Jesus Christ knows them well- for he has felt them. My spirit reminds me that through Christ, ALL will be made right. My Spirit reminds me that I know the gospel is true, that Our Father's ways are greater than ours, for his knowledge is perfect.....

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in the First Presidency of the church said, " To me it appears that our splendid sisters sometimes undervalue their abilities- they focus on what is lacking or imperfect rather than what has been accomplished and who they really are. This can lead to the innate desire to please the Lord to the best of your ability. Unfortunately, it can also lead to frustration, exhaustion, and unhappiness." This statement has my name written all over it. I do tend to focus on the lacking and the imperfect in my life, in our family's life, but it has caused a burning need, an incredible hunger for the words of Christ to strengthen my soul. Yet on the other hand it has caused me much anguish in body- with much unhappiness, for that is all that I am allowing myself to see life with. Caleb, I know that I must be making progress and moving forward, but I just don't see it, nor feel it at times. I feel like I am just hitting the same walls over and over again- being unable to break them down to progress forward. Liahona said quite a profound thing again the other day. We were at the store and she had her quarters to get something from the quarter machines, but it didn't work. So we had to go to the Customer Service counter to get her quarters back. In the car she said she was half sad because she got her quarters back but didn't get her toy that she wanted. I said, yes kind of like how we feel with Caleb gone, we are half sad. She stopped and looked up at me and said, no mom, you can be 1/4 sad and 3/4 happy because we are all still here together. Caleb, this has been my new focus to just be 1/4 unhappy, as I am trying to figure out how to be 3/4 happy.

"Therefore my (daughter), see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye receive your reward; yea ye shall have mercy restored unto you again; ye shall have righteous judgement restored unto you again; and ye shall have good rewarded unto you again.
For that which ye do send out shall return unto you again, and be restored." (Alma 41: 14-15)
I know from this scripture that in order to receive the blessed desires of my heart that I must show the Lord through my choices each day that I trust in his omnipotent hand.
From this scripture I can see how important it was for Christ to be our Savior, to help all to be restored, for all to be made right. It is the Only way that this can ever happen. And how important it was for the gospel to be restored and brought back on the earth through the Prophet Joesph Smith. I can rejoice knowing that because we allowed God our Eternal Father to take you out of this world and sending you home- that you Caleb, will return unto us again; And you shall be restored unto us again, that all will be made right.

"I will say that amid all the trials and tribulations we had to wade through, the Lord who well knew our infantile and delicate situation, vouchsafed for us a supply of strength and granted us line upon line of knowledge- here a little and there a little." -Joseph Smith
Elder Richard G. Scott a member of the 12 apostles recently said, "Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow. Character is not developed in moments of great challenge, for that is when it is intended to be used." It is hard to be struggling with what just seems to come so natural to others- living each day. Elder Richard G. Scott continued with, " Life may seem difficult now, but hold on." To hold on when my body is so weak, it almost seems impossible, but thankfully my spirit is strengthen through Christ which has prevented me from easing up on my grip.
I cannot loose sight of this focus and truth. If I don't keep my focus it is as if I am saying that I don't trust that God our Father and Jesus Christ can do all that they have promised. I DO know that all things are possible through and with them, that I know that their promises are sure. And if we are found worthy, we as a family can be granted the desires of our hearts, to be an eternal family and to be with you, Caleb- to come home and live with Our Heavenly Father and Our Savior Jesus Christ again.

"My life is but a weaving,
Between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Of times He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride;
Forget that He seeth the upper,
And I the underside.

Not til the loom is silent,
And the shuttles cease to fly;
Shall God unroll the canvas,
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful,
In the weaver's skillful hand;
As the threads of gold and silver,
In the pattern he has planned.

-Al Bryant

Our Love Intensifies as we move forward, and our Longing ever grows so strong- to see and be with you, we only hope will come so soon.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers walking in and through the frog pond with Caleb, and how the pond water was getting into their shoes.

Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would sing "We'll Bring the World his Truth" and say instead, "We'll bring the world his True."

Mom (Tanya) remembers that Caleb's 1st Chapter book was a Cam Jensen book, called, "The Missing Dinosaur Bone." He loved these books.

Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb liked to throw rocks into the rivers or lakes.

9 Months Old

On March 23rd, 2002
You were 11 months old.

You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......

(Soon to be filled in.)