Dear Caleb,
My last post was once again and overloading of emotions that I needed to release before they consumed my every thought and action. Thank you for listening and being there for me to vent and share how I truly feel in the every moment that I am in need of someone.
This is one of the many times throughout the year that I go into what I call a 'Hibernation' from overwhelming emotions for survival mode, to recharge and focus. The only tricky thing about caving in, is climbing back out. It is not as difficult as it use to be in pulling out from my self-induced hibernation, but it is still a very complicated and very sensitive situation.
I am naturally a very emotional deep feeling person, so why should I have been surprised to realized that my grieving is as such as well. I have not encountered many people that grieve like me, which is why I would often feel alone. Many people pull away from wanting to feel and talk about situations of the heart, and so I have even felt that distance from other fellow grievers, but I respect their need to do things in their own way. Plus on another note I have only come across only a handful of people that lost a young child, which makes the loneliness even more so in trying to find someone to relate with. The typical grieving that I have come across are those that: shun it, ignore it, or stuff and hide their sorrows. These are they that do not want to feel or be reminded of the events because it brings back all the hurt, sorrow and pain, for this is harder for them. However, for me to 'not' feel my grief, that would be harder for me. I came up with an example of how I differ from the typical grieving ways- Theoretically speaking (because I in no way no what it is like, but with grieving is all the same path)...the example of having one's arm being cut off. Individuals who would grieve by shunning, ignoring, stuffing and hiding would make adjustments to move onward and try to forget that they even once had an arm, or would take steps to forget their disappointment from loosing their arm. For there is no wrong way to grieve only different. I on the other hand would talk about my arm that was once their. For me, just because my arm is not there anymore does not mean that it is not apart of me anymore. It is and it always will be, just like you Caleb. Just because you are not here with me anymore does not mean that you are not real and do not exist. And I will not carry on without carrying my grief to remind me daily that you are real and that you are alive.
Depression has been an unavoidable companion that has almost beaten me at times. I have lost much confidence in myself in many aspects, including my abilities to be a mom. And if I was not there for you Caleb, then what am I good for I oft would think. So truly I must be unworthy of being trusted in I too would think. I am good at applying slack and forgiveness to others but not when it comes to myself. I place myself on a very high level and I expect myself to stay within those means, because I do not want to hurt our family again. I have started running to try and accomplish a plan that was set earlier to run a mile in 6.31 like what I did in 5th grade. But as I run I want to just quit on myself, my body aches and screams stop what are you doing, you can't do this? It is easier in life to quit, to stop, to give in, to give up then to actually keep living because to live... that is truly harder. This month your little sister and I ran a mile race and when I finished with the time 7.25 I was amazed at what I had just done.
Wheels in my brain have been turning and I have been thinking that just What If? What If I can actually do this- Run the mile in 6.31, Run my life's race? What if can actually gain confidence in myself and abilities to actually do things- In being a Mother, In being a Wife? What if I can actually be trusted of myself to take on more and be able to run and move at a faster pace then what I have been going? What if?? I am all nerves with my new idea to try something different. I am hoping that as I do, that it will help our family be closer and function better together. Just What If?? As I make it through this hibernation time, I will be running to see if it makes a difference when it comes to awakening from my winter slumber.
Love You Caleb- Love Always Your Mommy
Monday, November 24, 2014
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
One Down, Two BIG Ones To Go...
Dear Caleb,
We are on our 6th year of Holidays without you. This October was the first time since 2008 that I actually celebrated Halloween and enjoyed it. We had a Halloween party like in 2008 when I made a Haunted Spook Alley. It took a lot of emotional energy from me which was very draining, but your siblings loved it, so it was worth it. For 6 years I have strongly disliked this holiday because you are beautiful and alive, but the world makes those that pass away sound creepy and disgusting. But I could never accept those lies that the media puts into the minds and hearts of people. Cemetery's are one of the most sacred and special places that I have ever stepped foot on. Out of all the things in the world, this is the last place that anyone would need to be afraid of. These people that are resting are at peace and so they want you too to feel that when you are with them, not fear! What a stupid lie that so many believe and teach to others- it is disturbing and very sad!
Halloween has come and gone, now the heavy back to back Holidays are here again. This time of year does not bring much happiness and cheer for me, just heart break and tears. And I am getting so tired of how our world celebrates the same holidays year after year. I am getting so worn out that our calender stays the same year after year, causing us to have to relive difficult dates over and over again. It is exhausting, it is draining, it is heart breaking. I do not want to seem like a Scrooge at this time of year but honestly, it makes me frustrated that others can be in complete oblivious to broken hearts and deep wounds at this time- as they smile in your face and say, "It's this time of year so exciting"!?!? I just want to tell so many people, "Wake up and recognize the hurt, the broken hearted, those that are just struggling to live that are around you. Don't give them trivial little clich'e remarks about the season, recognize their struggles and reach out! Don't make them think that they have to stuff their real feelings and hide it from everyone because we are all "suppose" to be twitter patted with these Holidays."
The Real Purpose of these holidays should be finding and bringing comfort to those in need. Not in Eating, Drinking and being Merry in oneself. Not in indulging in gifts, things and football to please oneself. It is not in what this Holiday season can bring to you, but what YOU can bring to the Holiday season. It is sad how this time has turned many people inward, instead of outward. There is real hurt and heartache in the world Caleb, and I wish that I could just wrap an arm around all these individuals as they shed deep tears of grief- from empty seats of loved ones that will not be there in person at this time. Holidays are not always the fun 'n' games kind of time of year... because it brings struggles, heaviness, and tears- lots and lots of tears to so many.
If we didn't have your sweet siblings Caleb, I would put aside ALL these dates and holidays, it would be so much easier. But I know that they like them and enjoy them. Plus it is nice to see them smile and laugh, for it makes me feel that you are close by enjoying right along with them. Even though reliving these dates, times, holidays over again may bring tears now, I am a survivor of the ground hog living lifestyle. I can tell you that it is possible to keep going, even when one thinks that they could never carry on- I have and I am still here. I know that you want us to keep trying, so Caleb, I am going to try again on another year of BIG ones.....
Missing You Deeply!! Love Your Mommy
We are on our 6th year of Holidays without you. This October was the first time since 2008 that I actually celebrated Halloween and enjoyed it. We had a Halloween party like in 2008 when I made a Haunted Spook Alley. It took a lot of emotional energy from me which was very draining, but your siblings loved it, so it was worth it. For 6 years I have strongly disliked this holiday because you are beautiful and alive, but the world makes those that pass away sound creepy and disgusting. But I could never accept those lies that the media puts into the minds and hearts of people. Cemetery's are one of the most sacred and special places that I have ever stepped foot on. Out of all the things in the world, this is the last place that anyone would need to be afraid of. These people that are resting are at peace and so they want you too to feel that when you are with them, not fear! What a stupid lie that so many believe and teach to others- it is disturbing and very sad!
Halloween has come and gone, now the heavy back to back Holidays are here again. This time of year does not bring much happiness and cheer for me, just heart break and tears. And I am getting so tired of how our world celebrates the same holidays year after year. I am getting so worn out that our calender stays the same year after year, causing us to have to relive difficult dates over and over again. It is exhausting, it is draining, it is heart breaking. I do not want to seem like a Scrooge at this time of year but honestly, it makes me frustrated that others can be in complete oblivious to broken hearts and deep wounds at this time- as they smile in your face and say, "It's this time of year so exciting"!?!? I just want to tell so many people, "Wake up and recognize the hurt, the broken hearted, those that are just struggling to live that are around you. Don't give them trivial little clich'e remarks about the season, recognize their struggles and reach out! Don't make them think that they have to stuff their real feelings and hide it from everyone because we are all "suppose" to be twitter patted with these Holidays."
The Real Purpose of these holidays should be finding and bringing comfort to those in need. Not in Eating, Drinking and being Merry in oneself. Not in indulging in gifts, things and football to please oneself. It is not in what this Holiday season can bring to you, but what YOU can bring to the Holiday season. It is sad how this time has turned many people inward, instead of outward. There is real hurt and heartache in the world Caleb, and I wish that I could just wrap an arm around all these individuals as they shed deep tears of grief- from empty seats of loved ones that will not be there in person at this time. Holidays are not always the fun 'n' games kind of time of year... because it brings struggles, heaviness, and tears- lots and lots of tears to so many.
If we didn't have your sweet siblings Caleb, I would put aside ALL these dates and holidays, it would be so much easier. But I know that they like them and enjoy them. Plus it is nice to see them smile and laugh, for it makes me feel that you are close by enjoying right along with them. Even though reliving these dates, times, holidays over again may bring tears now, I am a survivor of the ground hog living lifestyle. I can tell you that it is possible to keep going, even when one thinks that they could never carry on- I have and I am still here. I know that you want us to keep trying, so Caleb, I am going to try again on another year of BIG ones.....
Missing You Deeply!! Love Your Mommy
Sunday, October 26, 2014
The Process of Grieving
Dear Caleb,
I have come across many things that tell you how long one should grieve for after you loose a loved one, and there have been many people that have mentioned how I should grieve. I had no idea or could even fathom the idea of how difficult this process would be of loosing a loved one. I thought that everyone would feel sad in the same way; like as how simple it is for everyone to feel cheer; through sunshine, rainbows, bubbles.... these make people happy and smile. Grieving and feeling sad is not as simple as I have come to learn and understand, it goes much deeper. I thought your father, your grandparents, family, friends would feel sadness the same way that I would feel sadness, but that has not been the case. We all feel on different levels and in different ways, and I have learned the hard way that though it is challenging, that it is okay. For the longest time these past 5 years I have felt all alone. Alone in not being able to have my feelings feel validated, in not having people near by to just listen, In having them feel like they have to say something in trying to fix my unfixable problem. But the MOST painful for me was to have people avoid me like a bad plague and to have them not say anything at all was more painful on my heart. It did hurt to receive insensitive words, but at least these people had tried to show that they cared, unlike feeling ignored and that what I was going through didn't exists.
October has brought out much anger and frustration that I have harbored against others. And I have come to realize that it is really no ones fault... because we all have literally NO CLUE of what the heck we are doing when it comes to such sensitive matters. We ALL are like little children with no experience in this situation as we move along this unknown, unwanted road so suddenly together. We all grieve in difference ways and we need to allow each other the room, the space, the time to feel, to cry, to learn to live again in our own ways. We can not push or ignore each other, because doing this will only make the grieving process worse and could cause more unwanted problems. So does it matter who gets to that point first in learning how to live again??? NO, because it is NOT a contest!!! You are not a winner until ALL who are affected are all able to develop the capabilities to live and want to try to keep living. If one gets to this point first is your part done??? Your part actually is not!!! So turn back, reach out, lift and LISTEN to others, in assisting those that are still struggling to find that motivation to continue on this very difficult journey.
Let us be kind, compassionate, and PATIENT with each other as we are trying to walk such unfavorable circumstances together. Don't leave others behind to have to deal with their grief on their own... LISTEN, LISTEN, just listen and let them know that their heartache is real, that their feelings are validated and that you are there and that you still care... no matter how "long" it has been. Time does not heal, that is the biggest faults hood, it is THROUGH time that we learn how to better carry this very heavy burden on our backs. Each year it gets a little lighter, but it does not go away. The Void, the Love... these things will always be there, because these are what remind us that we are still living.
This is the process of grieving that I have come across from these very difficult 5 years from loosing you. It still hurts, and it hurts to see others hurting with their new wounds from loosing loved ones, this is not a fun club to be in. To others that may be reading with grieving hearts- Please know that you are not alone with your hurts, many are here, many care, and many are close by to listen... including me even though I maybe a stranger in person, it is in our deep grieving and heartaches that connect our hearts, making us family- those that grieve together need to stay together.
Love You Always Caleb, Thank You for helping me to learn through the thick of things.
Love Your Mommy
I have come across many things that tell you how long one should grieve for after you loose a loved one, and there have been many people that have mentioned how I should grieve. I had no idea or could even fathom the idea of how difficult this process would be of loosing a loved one. I thought that everyone would feel sad in the same way; like as how simple it is for everyone to feel cheer; through sunshine, rainbows, bubbles.... these make people happy and smile. Grieving and feeling sad is not as simple as I have come to learn and understand, it goes much deeper. I thought your father, your grandparents, family, friends would feel sadness the same way that I would feel sadness, but that has not been the case. We all feel on different levels and in different ways, and I have learned the hard way that though it is challenging, that it is okay. For the longest time these past 5 years I have felt all alone. Alone in not being able to have my feelings feel validated, in not having people near by to just listen, In having them feel like they have to say something in trying to fix my unfixable problem. But the MOST painful for me was to have people avoid me like a bad plague and to have them not say anything at all was more painful on my heart. It did hurt to receive insensitive words, but at least these people had tried to show that they cared, unlike feeling ignored and that what I was going through didn't exists.
October has brought out much anger and frustration that I have harbored against others. And I have come to realize that it is really no ones fault... because we all have literally NO CLUE of what the heck we are doing when it comes to such sensitive matters. We ALL are like little children with no experience in this situation as we move along this unknown, unwanted road so suddenly together. We all grieve in difference ways and we need to allow each other the room, the space, the time to feel, to cry, to learn to live again in our own ways. We can not push or ignore each other, because doing this will only make the grieving process worse and could cause more unwanted problems. So does it matter who gets to that point first in learning how to live again??? NO, because it is NOT a contest!!! You are not a winner until ALL who are affected are all able to develop the capabilities to live and want to try to keep living. If one gets to this point first is your part done??? Your part actually is not!!! So turn back, reach out, lift and LISTEN to others, in assisting those that are still struggling to find that motivation to continue on this very difficult journey.
Let us be kind, compassionate, and PATIENT with each other as we are trying to walk such unfavorable circumstances together. Don't leave others behind to have to deal with their grief on their own... LISTEN, LISTEN, just listen and let them know that their heartache is real, that their feelings are validated and that you are there and that you still care... no matter how "long" it has been. Time does not heal, that is the biggest faults hood, it is THROUGH time that we learn how to better carry this very heavy burden on our backs. Each year it gets a little lighter, but it does not go away. The Void, the Love... these things will always be there, because these are what remind us that we are still living.
This is the process of grieving that I have come across from these very difficult 5 years from loosing you. It still hurts, and it hurts to see others hurting with their new wounds from loosing loved ones, this is not a fun club to be in. To others that may be reading with grieving hearts- Please know that you are not alone with your hurts, many are here, many care, and many are close by to listen... including me even though I maybe a stranger in person, it is in our deep grieving and heartaches that connect our hearts, making us family- those that grieve together need to stay together.
Love You Always Caleb, Thank You for helping me to learn through the thick of things.
Love Your Mommy
Friday, October 24, 2014
We Do Not Get To Pick and Choose Our Miracles
Dear Caleb,
October has been a very trialing month with emotions. Early this month, I received such discomforting news about a family member, resulting the start of sleepless nights and disturbing dreams as I would oft wake up in cold sweats, only getting about 30 mins of sleep at a time. Plagued with situations of our past in feeling grief, I began to feel for this family of the family member. It is not an easy thing to come to understand, which can happen all too quickly, in realizing how delicate life can really be. In attending the memorial services for this family member, I recognized the look of shock, the deep pain of grief, and it brought back so many Raw Emotions which stirred up much within me. Things I thought I had faced and dealt with, but I apparently used temporary band aid situations thinking that they would hold, but I was wrong. Those band aids ripped off so fast exposing all the hurt, pain, anger of unfulfilled expectations and disappointment that has held me prisoner of the past for so many years. It hurts to feel so deeply again and again, but it has a very interesting ability- it gives one the understanding of true empathy that one needs in order to reach out on a deep and more tenderly level. A level that speaks without words. A level that touches without gifts. A level of inner compassion from one heart to another who knows deep grief and heartache.
I came home knowing what I was up against, in facing the need to heal what was resurfaced. But I did not expect it to happen in such a way that would seem like deja vu. I have been ill since I arrived home it wasn't anything big to worry about, but I noticed that it was getting progressively more intense from day to day. Two days ago on a beautiful fall day with a big blue sky, Montey and I were in the car going home from his class. This illness was causing me to feel very light headed with the growing pains becoming more unpleasant. We were driving down the same road that we always drive, all those times I had never noticed a railroad track there before. It was a very sunny day so it looked like their could have been a blinking red light, but I couldn't tell for sure, so we continued to drive. Right as we passed I was curious to know if this was truly a working railroad crossing. I looked to the left and sure enough there was indeed a train coming at a rather fast pace. Surprised and in disbelief at what I just saw, I was in shock. At that very moment Montey echoed the SAME words that YOU said to me a quarter of a mile before the car accident; when the deer jumped out of the corn field and almost hit us. You said, "WOW, I can't wait to tell my sisters what just happened when we get home!" When Montey said those same words, I FROZE! I knew what was next when driving with You, the accident. I did not want to be the cause of repeating such unfavorable circumstances, not on my watch, not ever again!! The whole time driving home I kept telling myself and praying out loud, "Drive Safe. Just Drive Safe. Just get home!" I am sure that I annoyed just about every driver that was out from me being OVERLY careful, but I was not going to take any chances. As I pulled into our driveway I was still stunned at what had just taken place, yet relieved because there was no accident, we were ok, and most importantly Montey was safe. Thinking that was it, we were safe and good, until later that evening... I was driving Liahona and Cumorah home from a lesson. My pains intensified out of the blue, my head was spinning and I was feeling super nauseous. I have had this illness before, which I ended up in the hospital last time, so I knew that we just had to get home because it was going to get even worse. Just a measly 14 miles away from home seemed like a lifetime. Thoughts of this being 'The Second Half' of the car accident all over again kept replaying in my mind. But this time it was two of your sweet sisters that were now in peril because of me. Pulling over oft to let out the upset stomach, trying to keep my head clear and focused to get home... once again I found myself saying and praying out loud, "Please Heavenly Father, Please help me to Drive Safe. Just help us to get home safely!" I could not believe what was happening! Not again! Please not again I kept thinking. To go down from 4 kids to 2... I could NOT carry that, I would FOREVER be ANGRY at myself. Finally we reached home, the pains were so sever that I could barely walk from the car into our home. I didn't have time to even be thankful that your sisters were safe from ME. I collapsed with pain on my bed, trying to wait it out til your father arrived home. It had been over 5 years since I actively asked or even had a desired to receive a priesthood blessing for help. At your baptism, in your blessing, you were promised things that I just assumed would be accomplished and fulfilled in this life, and they weren't. We are physical beings, living a physical life, so when blessings are giving it is easy to assume that the promises will be received in this physical life time and way, but I have learned that is not always the case. So I have chosen not to know, if it couldn't be promised now, I did not want to know. But being in still so much pain when your father arrived, before I could even think about what I was saying, I said, "I think I need a Priesthood blessing." And then even surprising myself more, I followed through with allowing it to happen. The Blessing was given and tears where streaming down my face when I heard these words, "I bless you that your pains will cease and that you will be able to sleep." I instantly was thinking, "NO! Do Not take me now, Please I want to live, Please I want to live. I know that for 5 years I have been awaiting for my time to go, but I know if I am given a little bit more of time I can do better..." After my pleas of what seemed like an endless bargaining prayer, my intense and violent shivering, my heart pounding and heavy breathing almost instantly slowed back to normal.
So much I have learned this month, but especially in better understanding that, 'We do not get to choose and pick our miracles'. We did not get one that we strongly desired and prayed for 5 years ago, but now we got one out of the blue. It is important for us to remember that we are not in control when it comes to miracles. We are Only in Control of Ourselves and in how we deal with them when they are granted or with held.
So Love You Caleb. Love Your Mommy
October has been a very trialing month with emotions. Early this month, I received such discomforting news about a family member, resulting the start of sleepless nights and disturbing dreams as I would oft wake up in cold sweats, only getting about 30 mins of sleep at a time. Plagued with situations of our past in feeling grief, I began to feel for this family of the family member. It is not an easy thing to come to understand, which can happen all too quickly, in realizing how delicate life can really be. In attending the memorial services for this family member, I recognized the look of shock, the deep pain of grief, and it brought back so many Raw Emotions which stirred up much within me. Things I thought I had faced and dealt with, but I apparently used temporary band aid situations thinking that they would hold, but I was wrong. Those band aids ripped off so fast exposing all the hurt, pain, anger of unfulfilled expectations and disappointment that has held me prisoner of the past for so many years. It hurts to feel so deeply again and again, but it has a very interesting ability- it gives one the understanding of true empathy that one needs in order to reach out on a deep and more tenderly level. A level that speaks without words. A level that touches without gifts. A level of inner compassion from one heart to another who knows deep grief and heartache.
I came home knowing what I was up against, in facing the need to heal what was resurfaced. But I did not expect it to happen in such a way that would seem like deja vu. I have been ill since I arrived home it wasn't anything big to worry about, but I noticed that it was getting progressively more intense from day to day. Two days ago on a beautiful fall day with a big blue sky, Montey and I were in the car going home from his class. This illness was causing me to feel very light headed with the growing pains becoming more unpleasant. We were driving down the same road that we always drive, all those times I had never noticed a railroad track there before. It was a very sunny day so it looked like their could have been a blinking red light, but I couldn't tell for sure, so we continued to drive. Right as we passed I was curious to know if this was truly a working railroad crossing. I looked to the left and sure enough there was indeed a train coming at a rather fast pace. Surprised and in disbelief at what I just saw, I was in shock. At that very moment Montey echoed the SAME words that YOU said to me a quarter of a mile before the car accident; when the deer jumped out of the corn field and almost hit us. You said, "WOW, I can't wait to tell my sisters what just happened when we get home!" When Montey said those same words, I FROZE! I knew what was next when driving with You, the accident. I did not want to be the cause of repeating such unfavorable circumstances, not on my watch, not ever again!! The whole time driving home I kept telling myself and praying out loud, "Drive Safe. Just Drive Safe. Just get home!" I am sure that I annoyed just about every driver that was out from me being OVERLY careful, but I was not going to take any chances. As I pulled into our driveway I was still stunned at what had just taken place, yet relieved because there was no accident, we were ok, and most importantly Montey was safe. Thinking that was it, we were safe and good, until later that evening... I was driving Liahona and Cumorah home from a lesson. My pains intensified out of the blue, my head was spinning and I was feeling super nauseous. I have had this illness before, which I ended up in the hospital last time, so I knew that we just had to get home because it was going to get even worse. Just a measly 14 miles away from home seemed like a lifetime. Thoughts of this being 'The Second Half' of the car accident all over again kept replaying in my mind. But this time it was two of your sweet sisters that were now in peril because of me. Pulling over oft to let out the upset stomach, trying to keep my head clear and focused to get home... once again I found myself saying and praying out loud, "Please Heavenly Father, Please help me to Drive Safe. Just help us to get home safely!" I could not believe what was happening! Not again! Please not again I kept thinking. To go down from 4 kids to 2... I could NOT carry that, I would FOREVER be ANGRY at myself. Finally we reached home, the pains were so sever that I could barely walk from the car into our home. I didn't have time to even be thankful that your sisters were safe from ME. I collapsed with pain on my bed, trying to wait it out til your father arrived home. It had been over 5 years since I actively asked or even had a desired to receive a priesthood blessing for help. At your baptism, in your blessing, you were promised things that I just assumed would be accomplished and fulfilled in this life, and they weren't. We are physical beings, living a physical life, so when blessings are giving it is easy to assume that the promises will be received in this physical life time and way, but I have learned that is not always the case. So I have chosen not to know, if it couldn't be promised now, I did not want to know. But being in still so much pain when your father arrived, before I could even think about what I was saying, I said, "I think I need a Priesthood blessing." And then even surprising myself more, I followed through with allowing it to happen. The Blessing was given and tears where streaming down my face when I heard these words, "I bless you that your pains will cease and that you will be able to sleep." I instantly was thinking, "NO! Do Not take me now, Please I want to live, Please I want to live. I know that for 5 years I have been awaiting for my time to go, but I know if I am given a little bit more of time I can do better..." After my pleas of what seemed like an endless bargaining prayer, my intense and violent shivering, my heart pounding and heavy breathing almost instantly slowed back to normal.
So much I have learned this month, but especially in better understanding that, 'We do not get to choose and pick our miracles'. We did not get one that we strongly desired and prayed for 5 years ago, but now we got one out of the blue. It is important for us to remember that we are not in control when it comes to miracles. We are Only in Control of Ourselves and in how we deal with them when they are granted or with held.
So Love You Caleb. Love Your Mommy
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