Healing Stinks!

Dear Caleb,

Things have been "weird" since my birthday last month. Why is it that whenever  "healing" is involved it always feels like you take one step forward but, you get the ripple effect of three steps backwards? Sometimes I wonder what's the point, if you always land right on your face again. I have officially decided that healing stinks!!!

Healing hurts and pushes one in ways that is just down right hard and difficult. Sometimes I wonder if the light will ever come. I know that it will, because it always does... but sometimes it is just bleak.  I would  trade this all just to have "moments" of a normal life again.  I get surges of confidence boosts every so often, and that is when the "healing" road picks up again, which always seems to be followed by the drops from the releasing of the ache and pain of the past.

Staying in the past is hard on the heart, relieving the past is hard on the heart... but ignoring it- well that is worse. Though it seems like that is the way to go at times- to ignore the hurt, to ignore the ache, to ignore that you can even feel, gets you no where. But that is an illusion, because we are always moving, for if we are not moving froward, then we are moving backwards.

Four years of crying, and my well of tears are all dried out. I do not cry the way that I used too. It is my heart that does the crying, no know can see but it is always likening: things, others, ways, to our life and it cries often. Grief knows grief so well, it is a welcoming friend at times, especially those wonderful friends that know a deep grief like ourselves.

The one thing that I do not like is that there is so many different ways that it (grief) can be done. It is so difficult to get a handle on the how, the who, the what, of everyone that is dealing with things in their own ways. It can really put a damper on things. Only as of recent times, I have realized a flip side to this. There is a hidden beauty, because that means that there are that many ways that people can receive help from people who have similar feeling, grieving hearts like themselves.

Yes, I have determined that Healing Stinks! I do not like it one bit, I do not like it Sam I Am!
But one gets to do what one has been given to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder if my heart can handle this work. I know that we are not exempted from hardships because of our past, though I often wished that we could be. Yet, I know what needs to be done. Please Dear Lord help our hearts to not fail.

Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy

One Dimensional View to 3D Perspective

Dear Caleb,

Well, October is the start of the chain-link of holidays that is always such a sensitive time on my heart. I want to be more kind and loving, but for me to do this I had to remove myself from certain online social groups. I hope that our dear friends and family do not think that I do not care, I care so much, which is why I do not want to put myself in a place where I feel like I a judging them, or taking away their happiness by my comments, or non-comments- especially with these many family holidays soon arriving. I am choosing to let others be happy, and enjoy their time with their families; that I may learn to do the same in our own way.

I know that there is always hope to change, that there is always room to grow, but sometimes we do not allow each other that space to do so. As we imprison in our minds and hold on to the past without loving forgiving hearts, not being willing to let go, nor allowing space to see change. Perhaps we are scared because the past may sneak back in, perhaps we are scared because we do not want to get hurt, perhaps we are scared because there is just so much unknown.... but it is the chance that we always need to take. For that is what we want to be given by our Loving God, second, third, 100 chances, to prove that we are more devoted, more dedicated, more full of his love.

For these past 4 years I would shift from a one dimensional view, to a 3D perspective. When I am in the one dimensional view, all I can see, is what these mortal eyes can see- which is not every much, nor very far. My emotions sky rocket, and I tend to be more jittery and agitated. Being content is something that I try to force away, by trying to control every single moment to make my inner peace. But trying to force peace, is completely impossible. Peace is a gift, not something to be force upon anyone.

When I am in the 3D perspective, contentment and inner peace are my solid foundation. It allows me to see not only the now, but of tender moments of the past without pulling me down, and glimmers of the joyous future that can and will be ours someday. Seeing 3D keeps the jitters and being agitated away, and I am given smiles, and songs of my heart to where I have been caught humming again. My heart is filled with so much love for my God, his plan for our family, and the most tender expressions of appreciation for the atoning sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ. Peace is the gift that is given, and that is allowed to stay and be my constant friend.

One would think that having experienced of the 3D perspective over the one dimensional view, that it would just be a no brainer to think, 'Well, I think I will just stay right here,' but it is not that easy. But I am feeling more desires to see 3D, and obtaining more motivation in reaching this higher level faster when I find myself stuck in the lower one dimensional view of understanding. It is interesting to think that, this lower level is where I have accepted defeat for so long, but it is not where I choose to be anymore. It is a place where I can not be anymore if I want that joyous future that I have been promised, and seen.

For this is our time to shine forth, in taking a stand for what we want, and we Mathison's are choosing to stand strong together: "For what we know to be right and true, is who we are no matter what we do. It is time to smile, and to go that extra mile. We have been given a road less traveled, but on it blessings have been unraveled. It is time to smile, it is time to share, is is time to let the world know that we care. We stand together to find those hearts, that have been broken and feel like they have been torn apart. For we know what that ache can do, and how it just makes you want to stay blue. There is a higher way, for there is that joy that will come in that day. So we will reach out and take their hand, to get them up on their feet to stand. And give them that knowing look and a gentle squeeze, where they can feel encircled by love which brings them to their knees. It is our time to serve, it is our time to never swerve. Being grounded is what we need to be, that is the better way for us to see. Our love of our God is ever so strong, it is never a place for anyone to go wrong. Staying true to where your heart belongs, on your journey you will be given the gift of songs. To uplift and carry you along, back home to where we all belong."

Love You Our Missionary- God be with you till we meet again.
Love Always, Your Mommy

Inspirations By Tanya Nicole

My first Inspirations for you Caleb. Pictures by me, with quotes from your blog. Hoping to reach out to others through these Inspirational Touches. I feel that I have finally found my way to better serve both you and our family. Love you Very Much, Love Your Momma

When The Stars Do Not Align

Dear Caleb, Our mission call to serve in this new area, from our 12th move, is going alright. There's only been one welcoming opportunity, in the right setting, to share our family's journey. It sort of feels lonely to not have my "knowing" friends around physically to support me from day to day. But on the flip side, it sort-of feels nice to have a fresh start, of showing my positive thoughts, feelings and actions when it comes to our journey. However, that is a very high expectation, one that I feel can never truly be accomplished in this life with a broken heart, but I know that I can at least try- who knows, I might get close and surprise myself. All my life prior to 2009, I wore my emotions, everything on my sleeve. If one star was out of alignment: one insult, one thing I forgot, one failure in myself, one person that I disappointed... my day would be RUINED! And there was no shaking it, until the fresh new day arrived. I would go from what would look like a happy chipper person, to a wickedly mean lady all in a matter of a few seconds. When the stars would not align, I would also go into a panic attack disorder of sorts, allowing all my emotions to imprison me in my mind of failure and disappointment. But life is full of disappointments and it is a learning curve in how we deal with them as they come in waves. Yet those small anxieties are often ones that I laugh at now, for I have learned that there are bigger waves in the ocean. When those stars fall out of alignment, they make no difference to me or to my mind. I no longer allow those moments to control my actions; it is not a big deal for me these days. After you were called on your mission to serve, all my stars fell, and has fallen for years. No stars were shinning or glistening to a happier tune. I have been numb and tone deaf of any chance of a new star peaking through the gray and gloomy clouds of my heart. Thinking that all was lost to never see a shinning star reappear, in helping to place a smile on my face or warmth on my heart- I have been shown that there is always ONE. It isn't one of the normal that we would expect, it is ONE of a more brilliance and yet somewhat familiar. It is the ONE that will never dim nor disappear, unlike all of our other stars that we try to align. This ONE was created in a different way, in a different form. While all my stars have been gone, there has remained ONE that shines true. And it is in that ONE star that grants me hope and contentment of peace when all my stars have fallen, leaving me to feel without strength. And in those quiet moments when I need to see it the most, it comes out, and it says to my heart, "Fear not for I am with you, be not afraid." This is when I am renewed and filled with light and truth. Being lent with the ability to see and feel- to be taught further in the direction of which we are to go. I will admit that this journey is one of a tender and sensitive road. The path is long, the turns are sharp, and the cliffs... well they can seem a bit welcoming. But we know the direction and it is for an eternal home, to become an eternal family. This is a daily fight that we are living. A life that is needed of such a gentle and careful touch, only the Master he, Jesus Christ, knows how to reach. Now it is up to us to continue to let him lead. How much we love you Caleb. How much our hearts yearn for that glorious day to come. How much we are trying to keep up with you, please forgive us for our lagging behind. How wise you have always been. Love Eternally, Love Your Momma