Dear Caleb,
I can always feel the heaviness when we get close to the 24th, it's a way I have learned that my body says it's time to post and down load some emotions to help me feel a little lighter.
There has been a shift in my thoughts which started last month, but started full swing the other week, General Conference Weekend. It is always exactly what I need every 6 months to keep my mind and heart focused on the eternal perceptive of things and not on this temporary life.
Just before General Conference your Daddy had a work meeting in Spokane, WA. I went along with him. This year seemed to be the year to revisit all the places that we previously lived or something. While he was in a work meeting, I had some great pondering and much needed scripture reading time.
I was reading in 1 Nephi chapter 21. And I came to verse 4 which states something that I have been doing without really knowing, it said, "I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for naught (nothing) and in vain. " I instantly felt guilt because by doing nothing but just getting through day to day with nothing to show for is pretty much the same thing. I do not want to have to admit to the Lord of this error track that I have been on mentally and emotionally. As difficult as it has been to put heart into everything I do, including trusting to love again, because to truly LOVE hurts... I know it is a risk that I need to take because our family needs me not just physically as a mom because I am doing that fine but being there emotionally and mentally with Love as a whole person, not half here and half there. This baby sister that is coming is going to need a whole mother, not a half mother that is unable to feel and give love. I have been this way because it is what all us mortals do at times when found amidst the trials as we say in verse 14, "The Lord has forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me..."
In verse 5 was the Lord's rely to me and for our family,"I will not forget thee o house of (the Mathison's) Behold I have engraven you upon the palms of my hands, thy walls are continually before me." And one literal wall besides the accident has been this pregnancy. I do not feel so qualified or worthy to raise yet another child, but in the eyes of the Lord we prepared you, Caleb, enough to be granted eternal life, so for him I can see how he would feel that we may be seem as such to be given another. So with this wall of being given another child, came this answer, "And now, saith the Lord that formed me from the womb that I (Tanya) should be his servant, to bring (a child) again to him... Yet shall I be glorious in the eyes of the Lord, and my God shall be my strength." And in 20-23, "The children whom thou shalt have after thou hast lost the first shall again in thine ears say: The place is too (estranged) for me give place that I may dwell" as to say the Lord is just asking us to teach them of heaven, trust in Him, and let them go. "Then shalt thou say in thine heart: Who hath (given) me these, seeing that I have lost my (first born) and am desolate, captive, and removing to and fro?" "Thus saith the Lord God: Behold I will lift up my hand (to the Mathison's) and set up my standard to (your family) and (you) shall bring thy sons in your arms and thy daughters shall be carrier upon (your) shoulders. "And (you) shall bow down to (me your Lord God) with your face towards the earth and lick up the dust of (my) feet, and thou shalt know that I am the Lord, for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me."
Caleb, Wow was all I could say and feel after reading these vereses exactly the way that I typed them to you. It is truly time to turn my thoughts and whole heart over to the Lord. He has lifted his hand to our family and has given us his standard, The Gospel. And we WILL bring the other children carrying them to Christ if we must. We need to stay in a humble mind set as to bow down and kiss the earth, meaning to pray, to be close to our Savior. To remind us that he is our 1 and ONLY Chance to help our dreams of an eternal family to become our reality someday. For he has promised that NO one will be ashamed for those that wait for him to come, for we know the time is very very soon.
And to finish this amazing moment of receiving specific guidance in what I was to do next for myself, and to help our family, I turned on the tv, and there was a movie playing. The Young lady said, "Since the accident I have not known what I wanted?" I sat there with my jaw open thinking that is exactly what I have said so many times. And the young man answered her with, "What do you want?" I mentally took a step back and said to myself, "What do I want? What do I want in this life, in the next life? What do I want??" Almost immediately I responded with I want to be together again. After the young girl gave her answer the young man said, "So the weight is back on your shoulders, it is up to you to make your dream come true." Caleb, it is time to push my sleeves up and get to work serving with you. Which includes accepting this new child as part of the missionary work. The work will not be easy, but it will all be worth it to have no empty seat in our eternal family. This is our dream that we are willing to fight for.
So Let The Reign of The Service of The Mathison's Begin, because I do not ever want to have to say to the Lord that I have labored in vain, with nothing to show for with our faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.
*"The Lord Always Fulfills His Promises."-Isaiah 49
How we love you Kabub.
How we ache for you.
How we long to be with you.
How we promise to help you on your mission.
How we will NOT stop the tears of hope.
Love Your Mommy XOXO
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
October Memories Made in 2009 (Part 1)
Oct 1st- Liahona remembers how Caleb would always send his webkinz on webkinz vacations, which is why he would never have a lot of webkinz dollars.
Oct 2nd- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always help her log on to her webkinz. And he would help her earn webkinz cash.
Oct 2nd- Liahona remembers at bedtime her and Tamara would talk to Caleb through the floor vents because they couldn't leave their rooms or be in the halls. Tamara would always say, "What did you say?" over and over again. Then Caleb would repeat himself until he would say "Get Liahona" and then he would tell her.
Oct 3rd- Tamara remembers Caleb wanted to always light the candles. He started up his first match to light his first candle when he was 8 with mom in the room.
Oct 3rd- Liahona remembers that Caleb always wanted to do fireworks with the extra bob-cat firecrackers that were not used in the 4th of July. (July 2009 He started to light his own fireworks with Dad.)
Oct 4th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always help her with her Conference Bingo, in helping her find the church words on her paper that were said in the talks.
Oct 4th- Liahona remembers that Caleb would always pull her up the hill when sledding and he would push her going down the hill and then jump on the back of the sled.
Oct 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would play store and restaurant with her and Liahona.
Oct 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would often clear out his throat.
Oct 6th- Mom remembers when listening to cds in the van, Caleb would memorize which songs were his favorite and would say play number 10 or 22. (He had a great memory.)
Oct 6th Tamara remembers how much Caleb LOVED to hear the Tornado Warning Sirens.
Oct 6th- Mom remembers how Caleb did not like cds, or tapes of music skipping. And if I was in a different room he would come running to say, "Mom the cd is skipping!" And I would calmly say, "It's OK, I'll fix it, Thank You."
Oct 7th- Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would sneak out in the halls at night and play games together.
Oct 7th- Liahona remembers that Caleb would find all and any sticks and used them as guns.
Oct 8th- Mom remembers that Caleb would often be afraid to flush the toilet because he thought they would always overflow.
Oct 9th- Liahona remembers Caleb's most recent PBS show that he liked to watch was Pinky Dinky Doo.
Oct 10- Mom remembers that Caleb recently started to be modest when going to the bathroom, by closing the door instead of leaving it open like everyone else.
Oct 10- Dad remembers that Caleb would prefer Italian dressing on his salad instead of Ranch.
Oct 11- Tamara remembers when playing out in the snow with her siblings and when she would get cold Caleb would come over and hold her hands tight and blow hot air onto her hands with or without mittens on.
Oct 11th- Dad remembers playing many indoor soccer games with Caleb. One goal would be the wall at the end of the hallway and the other in the front living room gas fireplace.
Oct 12th- Mom remembers how much Caleb loved to play "DING."(A made up game from Mom's childhood with her siblings.)
Oct 12th- Dad remembers how Caleb would get Dad's attention when playing an indoor soccer game by kicking the ball several times at the wall (goal) while counting a goal for each time the ball hit the wall... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... I have 9 goals NOW!"
Oct 12th- Mom remembers that Caleb loved to dance and sing along to Robber Song from Mickey's Mousercise cd.
Oct 13th- Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to stand in the van doorway as the door closed and then he would jump off at the last moment and say, "AHHH!"
Oct 14th- Dad remembers how Caleb would get very nervous in elevators and would prefer to take the stairs instead it he could. He would get a look of panic when entering, during, and exiting the elevator. (Side note: Would often grab his private part because of nerves. )
Oct 14th- Liahona remembers that Caleb didn't like to go on escalators. They would scare him and he would whine and cling to the wall not wanting to go up until Mom or Dad would pry off his hands and help him get on and help him get off.
Oct 15th- Mom remembers how much Caleb LOVED to help his little brother. He was always aware and concerned with keeping him safe. He would almost always be the first one to notice if something was not good with Montey; example, Like putting things into his mouth that could make him choke.
Oct 15th- Dad and Liahona both remember how much Caleb LOVED to eat onions in his food, in salads, in all dinners... =)
Oct 2nd- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always help her log on to her webkinz. And he would help her earn webkinz cash.
Oct 2nd- Liahona remembers at bedtime her and Tamara would talk to Caleb through the floor vents because they couldn't leave their rooms or be in the halls. Tamara would always say, "What did you say?" over and over again. Then Caleb would repeat himself until he would say "Get Liahona" and then he would tell her.
Oct 3rd- Tamara remembers Caleb wanted to always light the candles. He started up his first match to light his first candle when he was 8 with mom in the room.
Oct 3rd- Liahona remembers that Caleb always wanted to do fireworks with the extra bob-cat firecrackers that were not used in the 4th of July. (July 2009 He started to light his own fireworks with Dad.)
Oct 4th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always help her with her Conference Bingo, in helping her find the church words on her paper that were said in the talks.
Oct 4th- Liahona remembers that Caleb would always pull her up the hill when sledding and he would push her going down the hill and then jump on the back of the sled.
Oct 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would play store and restaurant with her and Liahona.
Oct 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would often clear out his throat.
Oct 6th- Mom remembers when listening to cds in the van, Caleb would memorize which songs were his favorite and would say play number 10 or 22. (He had a great memory.)
Oct 6th Tamara remembers how much Caleb LOVED to hear the Tornado Warning Sirens.
Oct 6th- Mom remembers how Caleb did not like cds, or tapes of music skipping. And if I was in a different room he would come running to say, "Mom the cd is skipping!" And I would calmly say, "It's OK, I'll fix it, Thank You."
Oct 7th- Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would sneak out in the halls at night and play games together.
Oct 7th- Liahona remembers that Caleb would find all and any sticks and used them as guns.
Oct 8th- Mom remembers that Caleb would often be afraid to flush the toilet because he thought they would always overflow.
Oct 9th- Liahona remembers Caleb's most recent PBS show that he liked to watch was Pinky Dinky Doo.
Oct 10- Mom remembers that Caleb recently started to be modest when going to the bathroom, by closing the door instead of leaving it open like everyone else.
Oct 10- Dad remembers that Caleb would prefer Italian dressing on his salad instead of Ranch.
Oct 11- Tamara remembers when playing out in the snow with her siblings and when she would get cold Caleb would come over and hold her hands tight and blow hot air onto her hands with or without mittens on.
Oct 11th- Dad remembers playing many indoor soccer games with Caleb. One goal would be the wall at the end of the hallway and the other in the front living room gas fireplace.
Oct 12th- Mom remembers how much Caleb loved to play "DING."(A made up game from Mom's childhood with her siblings.)
Oct 12th- Dad remembers how Caleb would get Dad's attention when playing an indoor soccer game by kicking the ball several times at the wall (goal) while counting a goal for each time the ball hit the wall... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... I have 9 goals NOW!"
Oct 12th- Mom remembers that Caleb loved to dance and sing along to Robber Song from Mickey's Mousercise cd.
Oct 13th- Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to stand in the van doorway as the door closed and then he would jump off at the last moment and say, "AHHH!"
Oct 14th- Dad remembers how Caleb would get very nervous in elevators and would prefer to take the stairs instead it he could. He would get a look of panic when entering, during, and exiting the elevator. (Side note: Would often grab his private part because of nerves. )
Oct 14th- Liahona remembers that Caleb didn't like to go on escalators. They would scare him and he would whine and cling to the wall not wanting to go up until Mom or Dad would pry off his hands and help him get on and help him get off.
Oct 15th- Mom remembers how much Caleb LOVED to help his little brother. He was always aware and concerned with keeping him safe. He would almost always be the first one to notice if something was not good with Montey; example, Like putting things into his mouth that could make him choke.
Oct 15th- Dad and Liahona both remember how much Caleb LOVED to eat onions in his food, in salads, in all dinners... =)
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Caleb Mathison Memorial Scholarship
Here was your banquet that was held in your honor at BryanLGH College of Health Sciences in Lincoln Nebraska in September.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Swirling Emotions of September
Dear Caleb,
Well we went back to the land of Nebraska, where our hearts have been since we moved away from there, for an event held in your honor.
Your scholarship has been endowed and we were able to hand out the first award to the first chosen recipient. It went well, your Dad did a great job, yet it was a very difficult thing to accomplish. I thought maybe perhaps this visit would be a good healing trip, but I was wrong. However, what it did do was give me a nice slap on the face to reality. I know things don't stay the same for too long, and I shouldn't have expected it to be the same as we left it, but I kind of hoped that it would... Dad kept reminding me as we saw change after change, construction after construction, that we should be grateful that none of those things took place while we lived there. And I have to agree, that would have been hard to see, and now there is officially no going back to the past, but only forwards. When we came home I felt like for the first time in years I had both my body and heart together in one place. Before I was physically here in Washington, but my heart was in Nebraska. That has been a huge challenge with wanting to be in two places at once, so I suppose you can say that I have mentally and emotionally made the journey home.
It is interesting to think about things that used to be hard for us to handle only now seem like a piece of cake: To be young and poor college students, having 5 pregnancies, 4 children under the age of 7, moving 11 times, never seeing your father because he was either in school or at work, not having a lot of extended family support because we always lived far away from them.... I would take all of that back hands down, compared to what we get to live with now til the end of our mortal lives. The weight is 100 times worse and heavy to carry. I compare it a lot to the 10 Commandments that God gave to the children of Israel. There was a time that I struggled at some of these, but now they are easy to me. I do not have a hard time Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy, I do not steal, I do not lie, I do not commit adultery... I have no problems keeping these Commandments they have become a piece of cake to me. But there is yet another commandment that is found in the scriptures. "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life." (3 Nephi 15:9) Now, being asked to endure to the end... that is something I fear is beyond what i can do. This is a very overwhelming thing that I now get to live with in facing to accomplish everyday. It is a tiring and daunting task at times. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let the world just move around me as I just stay still. I can not keep up at it's pace, I seem to get trampled every time I try. I just do not move to way I use too. I just do not think the way I use too. Sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing, or a hindering thing to our family? I have yet to really figure it out.
This new baby girl will not know what I used to be like, what our family used to be like, what you are like physically, and it hurts my heart. I have grasped the idea that it is okay that others do not understand how difficult it is to me, for us to be raising another child after temporary loosing you. It is not the typical kind of pregnancy, it has been different, very very different. Emotions are way high, and we are trying to kick our anxieties to the curb, but that natural man in us is the true enemy, which always gets the best of us. We have 3 months left til she arrives. And I have to keep reminding myself that obviously the Lord trusts us enough to be given yet another one of his precious little children to bring into this world, and he truly is the one who knows all things. So if he trusts me as a mother for this child, why can't I trust myself? I am trying to borrow all the confidence from God, from others that so willing share their excitement and confidence with us having another child; that I am hoping through time I will start believing it too, and feel emotionally that I can do this again along with dealing with depression. It is a very scary undertaking, all I have is my trust in God that he really knows what he is doing because I would still like to think otherwise.
How I wish I could take back all the cake trials of the past... I actually miss them. These current ones are beyond my own strength, Caleb what are we to do without you and yet gaining another one????? Our hearts are broken, how can one keep loving with a broken heart? It hurts to love because the agony of seeing you leave for a time is the real temporary torture where no ease seems to come until we are all together again. I suppose I will just keep trying to trust in God's new direction, in his new path for us, though it was never what I had ever anticipated. I am tired of feeling like a circus attraction, but our family is forever changed and keeps changing so I suppose I need to start dealing with all the eyes and comments til the end... I suppose such is life anyways.
Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy
Well we went back to the land of Nebraska, where our hearts have been since we moved away from there, for an event held in your honor.
Your scholarship has been endowed and we were able to hand out the first award to the first chosen recipient. It went well, your Dad did a great job, yet it was a very difficult thing to accomplish. I thought maybe perhaps this visit would be a good healing trip, but I was wrong. However, what it did do was give me a nice slap on the face to reality. I know things don't stay the same for too long, and I shouldn't have expected it to be the same as we left it, but I kind of hoped that it would... Dad kept reminding me as we saw change after change, construction after construction, that we should be grateful that none of those things took place while we lived there. And I have to agree, that would have been hard to see, and now there is officially no going back to the past, but only forwards. When we came home I felt like for the first time in years I had both my body and heart together in one place. Before I was physically here in Washington, but my heart was in Nebraska. That has been a huge challenge with wanting to be in two places at once, so I suppose you can say that I have mentally and emotionally made the journey home.
It is interesting to think about things that used to be hard for us to handle only now seem like a piece of cake: To be young and poor college students, having 5 pregnancies, 4 children under the age of 7, moving 11 times, never seeing your father because he was either in school or at work, not having a lot of extended family support because we always lived far away from them.... I would take all of that back hands down, compared to what we get to live with now til the end of our mortal lives. The weight is 100 times worse and heavy to carry. I compare it a lot to the 10 Commandments that God gave to the children of Israel. There was a time that I struggled at some of these, but now they are easy to me. I do not have a hard time Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy, I do not steal, I do not lie, I do not commit adultery... I have no problems keeping these Commandments they have become a piece of cake to me. But there is yet another commandment that is found in the scriptures. "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life." (3 Nephi 15:9) Now, being asked to endure to the end... that is something I fear is beyond what i can do. This is a very overwhelming thing that I now get to live with in facing to accomplish everyday. It is a tiring and daunting task at times. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let the world just move around me as I just stay still. I can not keep up at it's pace, I seem to get trampled every time I try. I just do not move to way I use too. I just do not think the way I use too. Sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing, or a hindering thing to our family? I have yet to really figure it out.
This new baby girl will not know what I used to be like, what our family used to be like, what you are like physically, and it hurts my heart. I have grasped the idea that it is okay that others do not understand how difficult it is to me, for us to be raising another child after temporary loosing you. It is not the typical kind of pregnancy, it has been different, very very different. Emotions are way high, and we are trying to kick our anxieties to the curb, but that natural man in us is the true enemy, which always gets the best of us. We have 3 months left til she arrives. And I have to keep reminding myself that obviously the Lord trusts us enough to be given yet another one of his precious little children to bring into this world, and he truly is the one who knows all things. So if he trusts me as a mother for this child, why can't I trust myself? I am trying to borrow all the confidence from God, from others that so willing share their excitement and confidence with us having another child; that I am hoping through time I will start believing it too, and feel emotionally that I can do this again along with dealing with depression. It is a very scary undertaking, all I have is my trust in God that he really knows what he is doing because I would still like to think otherwise.
How I wish I could take back all the cake trials of the past... I actually miss them. These current ones are beyond my own strength, Caleb what are we to do without you and yet gaining another one????? Our hearts are broken, how can one keep loving with a broken heart? It hurts to love because the agony of seeing you leave for a time is the real temporary torture where no ease seems to come until we are all together again. I suppose I will just keep trying to trust in God's new direction, in his new path for us, though it was never what I had ever anticipated. I am tired of feeling like a circus attraction, but our family is forever changed and keeps changing so I suppose I need to start dealing with all the eyes and comments til the end... I suppose such is life anyways.
Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy
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