Dear Caleb,
I want to thank you for the beautiful gift you gave me the 2 days before Thanksgiving, as I was going into Montey's room for another night-tare moment during the night. As I walked past your room and started to walk into Montey's room, in the corner of my eye I saw you playing on your floor with your toys that were left out from your sisters the day before. You were wearing your long t-shirt pajamas and had them pulled over your legs, as you were playing, and I thought to myself, "Oh look Caleb is up playing so quietly with his toys... boy he's such a sweet and considerate child." I took only 2 steps into Montey's room when I realized what I had just saw and what I had just said. I stopped moving forward and quickly ran back towards your room.... but this time you were not there, just your toys that you were playing with. The day before Thanksgiving as we were picking up our home, I told your sisters how you were here, and how important it is for us to leave out some of your toys, because you like to come home to play with them. They all agree that they will do this for you.
Well Caleb, I have finally been able to see glimmers of sun beams shining through these never ending stormy, gloomy clouds. But before this, I was feeling myself fall deeper, and deeper into a depression. I have been unhappy with myself, causing things to be unhappy at home. I was getting so tired of being the problem and causing all the problems. So many people have told me, that you would want me to be happy- but with all honesty I had NO idea how to do that or even know where to start. The idea of living a happy life got knocked out of me like one feels when being punch in the stomach... it just makes it hard to breath and move. I have been going through the emotions as one would live their life; wake up, get out of bed, feed the kids, do school with the kids, make lunch, finish school, do chores, make dinner, go to bed. But I have not truly being 'living.' My mind was set to a certain channel, that I have been living to die. I have given up on almost everything: going, doing, and being what I use to do and be. I have just been letting life hit me as it comes, instead of trying to enjoy the moments of what time I may still have left with our family here on earth.
There was a family, the Jaques family, that came across the plains with the Martin Handcart Pioneers- my feelings are almost identical . On October 17, 1864 John Jaques wrote about the passing of his daughter Rose. "At about 8 o'clock in the morning our poor little darling died. This was a heavy blow to us, as she was a lovely and sensible child and we had fondly hoped that she would live to be a help and comfort and companion to her mother. We both felt that were it not for our boys, we could cheerfully have gone down to the grave with our dear little daughter. When will the resurrection come, that we may have our darling back again?" After Rose was buried two days later, her father felt that all life's beauties had gone with her. "How desolate the house seemed," he wrote, "and the garden and the trees and vines. All their charms seemed to have gone into the grave with our poor darling."
It amazes me that even about 150 years later, the feelings of loss are the same. Everything has been gray, gloomy in my life, everything has been half empty, nothing has brought even a remoteness spark of life back into my limpless life since you returned home. I haven't even allowed myself to try, for all guilt sets in when I think that I might be able to change my thinking to half full. Until just recently......
Right before the Martin Handcart company finally made it to Salt Lake Valley on Sunday November 30, many were still at church. President Brigham Young, the second Latter-day Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, dismissed all to go home and to prepare their homes to help the people that were coming. Brigham Young said, "You know I would give more for a dish of pudding and milk, or a baked potato and salt, were I in their situation of those peoples who have just come in, than I would for all your prayers, though you were to stay here all afternoon and pray. Prayer is good, but when baked potatoes and pudding and milk are needed, prayer will not supply their place on this occasion; give every duty its proper time and place..."
From those words, it got my squeaky, rusty wheels turning again. Helping me to notice that I have only been doing what John Jaques' mentioned, just praying and asking to know when the resurrection will come, so that we may be with you again. Though praying is good as Brigham Young said, yet, everything must be given it's proper time and place; especially with taking better care of the gift of life- for that is what it is, a Gift. We are only here for but a moment. I can not expect to receive a golden ticket home like you, I am expected to work and to be found worthy to receive that even higher gift called eternal life.
It has been very awkward and even uncomfortable at times as I have begun my first steps into the rays of sunbeams, through my ever so dark and gloomy clouds of emotions. There have been several that have mentioned how glad they are to see me happy. I have even found myself singing in the shower and humming while I eat. But it is not happiness they see. For me to be happy again, even to the measure of what I was with you here, can only be obtained later when we are a family forever. But I have found that one can be content with what God has given us. I am content Caleb. I am happier because I have fully allowed God to take control of our families life and path. I can no longer expect to be in control, for I am not; nor was I ever. How weird of me for thinking any differently, but how thankful I am to know in whom I trust. How thankful we are at this Thanksgiving time of year, to be given the gift of contentment.
How we ache for your presence again, the longing is sometimes unbearable, but through Christ, because of Christ, ALL will be made right.... we will see.... all will be made right.
=)Love Your Mommy
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Fall Brings Falling Emotions
Dear Caleb,
Fall still brings much uneasiness to my heart, and so much aching; as we enter into a new school year. Inside I am a mess; there is a continue flowing of tears that just never stop. I do not want to start another school year without you. It is so difficult to keep myself together these days. Fall used to be my favorite season, then it changed- becoming one of my most dreaded times of the year. Thankfully this year I was reminded by the Lord that there is one thing, one ray of hope that is given to me each Fall Season.... it is the blessed words of The leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; the Prophet Thomas S. Monson and the 12 Apostles. I always look forward to hear from them each General Conference. Their words bring so much peace to my aching and broken heart. I received much guidance and strength from them. I feel that I have a better firm map of life that will help keep me moving until 6 months from now, when we will hear from them again.
Fall time means birthday time for me. Before the accident I used to think how terrible it was to be getting older, that it was an embarrassing thing to tell people how 'Old' I really was. But my birthdays have become such a thing of JOY! I am SO glad to be getting older, that that means I have one more year done in this, my mortal life- making the gap closer to being with you again. I proudly told people how old I was, and how grateful I was to be getting older. I am so excited to be 80 years old, for my body will finally match my brain. I often get jealous of old people and think how lucky the are to be on their last leg, and how I wished we could switch shoes.
I think of these 80 year old people and think about the wonderful lives they have lived and all the things that they saw in their prime, and how things must seem so foreign to them today. All the technology, the pace of life, the way things work and run in this world.... how different it was for them in their day. And all their dear friends and family slowly leaving them into the next and better life, perhaps feeling like they are getting left behind to stay in a weird world that they can not keep up with nor understand. So when it is time for them to make the joyous move to be reunited, it comes as a welcomed visitor. For there is nothing better then being with family and friends..... truly Heaven is such a joyous place that should not be feared, but to be welcome with full open arms.
When I am having a difficult time and things are taking longer than desired, or feel like I can handle... I remind myself of the scripture in The Book of Mormon found in Alma 40:8, "All is as one day with God, and time is only measured unto men." And I tell myself over and over again, 'Time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men...' This helps me to stay firm and focused on God's will and timing for us as a family.
I woke up early on my birthday morning and drove to my favorite place on earth to go. It is the only place where I can feel of the loving, ever most comforting arms of the Lord around me. A place where you can not help but feel lifted when you leave. However, unfortunately this was not the case for me this time. I never thought that one could have an unpleasant experience in this amazing place. I left with a much heavier heart then what I came with. This month has just been difficult, just full of confusion of knowing God's will for us.... I get so puzzled at times, and think 'Why does God think we can handle this? This is so much bigger than anything I have ever been through.' The affect is not just temporary, it is permanent. The damage has been done, but I can not allow myself to think that it will always be like this... because it will not. Our joy Caleb, is coming in the morning. When Christ comes, he will bring healing in his wings. How truly, truly blessed we are to know the because of Christ ALL will truly be made right.
This is our hope. This is our Focus. For this is God's promise to us, and he ALWAYS keeps his promises. How we love him for that.
Since God's timing is different then ours, I will say to you our sweet boy... We will see you in the morning.
Love, Your Mommy.
Fall still brings much uneasiness to my heart, and so much aching; as we enter into a new school year. Inside I am a mess; there is a continue flowing of tears that just never stop. I do not want to start another school year without you. It is so difficult to keep myself together these days. Fall used to be my favorite season, then it changed- becoming one of my most dreaded times of the year. Thankfully this year I was reminded by the Lord that there is one thing, one ray of hope that is given to me each Fall Season.... it is the blessed words of The leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; the Prophet Thomas S. Monson and the 12 Apostles. I always look forward to hear from them each General Conference. Their words bring so much peace to my aching and broken heart. I received much guidance and strength from them. I feel that I have a better firm map of life that will help keep me moving until 6 months from now, when we will hear from them again.
Fall time means birthday time for me. Before the accident I used to think how terrible it was to be getting older, that it was an embarrassing thing to tell people how 'Old' I really was. But my birthdays have become such a thing of JOY! I am SO glad to be getting older, that that means I have one more year done in this, my mortal life- making the gap closer to being with you again. I proudly told people how old I was, and how grateful I was to be getting older. I am so excited to be 80 years old, for my body will finally match my brain. I often get jealous of old people and think how lucky the are to be on their last leg, and how I wished we could switch shoes.
I think of these 80 year old people and think about the wonderful lives they have lived and all the things that they saw in their prime, and how things must seem so foreign to them today. All the technology, the pace of life, the way things work and run in this world.... how different it was for them in their day. And all their dear friends and family slowly leaving them into the next and better life, perhaps feeling like they are getting left behind to stay in a weird world that they can not keep up with nor understand. So when it is time for them to make the joyous move to be reunited, it comes as a welcomed visitor. For there is nothing better then being with family and friends..... truly Heaven is such a joyous place that should not be feared, but to be welcome with full open arms.
When I am having a difficult time and things are taking longer than desired, or feel like I can handle... I remind myself of the scripture in The Book of Mormon found in Alma 40:8, "All is as one day with God, and time is only measured unto men." And I tell myself over and over again, 'Time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men...' This helps me to stay firm and focused on God's will and timing for us as a family.
I woke up early on my birthday morning and drove to my favorite place on earth to go. It is the only place where I can feel of the loving, ever most comforting arms of the Lord around me. A place where you can not help but feel lifted when you leave. However, unfortunately this was not the case for me this time. I never thought that one could have an unpleasant experience in this amazing place. I left with a much heavier heart then what I came with. This month has just been difficult, just full of confusion of knowing God's will for us.... I get so puzzled at times, and think 'Why does God think we can handle this? This is so much bigger than anything I have ever been through.' The affect is not just temporary, it is permanent. The damage has been done, but I can not allow myself to think that it will always be like this... because it will not. Our joy Caleb, is coming in the morning. When Christ comes, he will bring healing in his wings. How truly, truly blessed we are to know the because of Christ ALL will truly be made right.
This is our hope. This is our Focus. For this is God's promise to us, and he ALWAYS keeps his promises. How we love him for that.
Since God's timing is different then ours, I will say to you our sweet boy... We will see you in the morning.
Love, Your Mommy.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Tribulation Worketh Patience
Dear Caleb,
Going into your Second Angel Day, I felt like we were all alone, and on our own with dealing with all this grief and emotion by ourselves. I keep feeling like we had developed some kind of disease that caused others to keep their distance from us. After the accident I have to admit I did not like all the cards and flowers, etc simply because I did not want all this attention. I did not want to admit that I needed help. I did not want to admit that we were currently facing our One and only fear in this world. From then to now I have learned to MISS such tender reminders that we are still known and loved by God. That he hasn't forgotten us, because thankfully I have learned "that it is usually through others that he helps meet our needs." Said by a former prophet of our church, President Spencer W. Kimball. As again our heart were reminded of God love for us, for he sent SO many people our way to help us once again carry the weight of this difficult burden we have been carrying. I always stand corrected by his loving and so caring hand, which brings such peace to my heart and mind.
It's been a difficult recovery from last month's emotional events. I have had quite the emotional out of the blue hiccups that would just come in enormous waves. Your poor Father and siblings are so used to my randomness, that when the hiccups come, they loving look at me sigh and say, "Moms got the hiccups again." They are so good with just giving me space to let out my tears, how blessed we are Caleb to have such wonderful family who loves us. I have embarrassed myself a good many times this month with my hiccups. The other people that are so patient with me, and I feel sorry that they have to deal with my hiccups so much are the members of our church ward. They are so kind and loving, how blessed we are to have been placed in such a loving and understanding ward. Though I am sure that I am know as the lunatic of the ward with all these hiccups, but that is just fine. On top of all these hiccups I have received a new church calling in the ward. It was emotionally difficult for me to accept this one, AGAIN. For it is the same one that I had when you were with us in Nebraska. I feel obligated to do better this time around, for we both know that I failed it the first time. There is so much anxiety this time around that I am an emotional wreck with feeling like..... here I am again. Floods of memories constantly fill my mind, and bring much ache to my heart. Dad and I have been reading in Romans chapter Five. Oh how I love Paul. How I wish that I too could change my name to reflect my heart and be a reminder to myself of the old me and the new me. In verses 3-5 they say, "We glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulations worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience hope. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." Now it is truly through tribulations that gives us experience and knowledge of understanding of such things. For without it, we could not fulfill the very purpose of why we are here- for that is to become like God and be perfected in Christ. For we have only limited understanding without the blessings of tribulation, which opens our minds, in making room for more light and knowledge. In Romans 8: 24-26 it says, "For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope; for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Caleb so many of us pray for safely, pray for peace, pray to be kept out of harms way. So why is it that some are not given such things? It is simply because we do not know what to pray for. We think that these things are what we need, for truly it is God who knows what we need to learn and understand, especially when it comes time to be given further light and knowledge. One can shrug, as I did and sometimes still do, when one is stretched by unfavorable tribulations. I have come to better understand that, when tribulations come it is in that moment that we need to show our reverence and humility out to God, and say as Christ did, 'Thine will be done.' "For who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulations, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angles, nor principalities, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the Love of God, which is in Christ, Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:25-39.)
I am living proof that God's loving, merciful hand is continually stretched out always. It is ourselves that turn our backs on such loving and ever so capable hands. And yet his love is infinitely so tender and patient with our ever constant emotional hiccups. My newest thoughts are 'Bring it on!' "What shall we say to these? If God be for us, who can be against us?"(Romans 8:31) I welcome all these hiccup challenges, the accepting of the same church calling with being over cub scouts again, the selling of our special van that we bought with you in Nebraska... if anything good is going to come from any of this, it will be that us Mathison's ARE Finishers!!!
I love you,
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers: How you would ALWAYS bite on your straws, and how it would driving everyone crazy when we were sharing a drink. (Tamara has now in honor of you started to do this.)
LIahona remembers: How you used to be afraid of fireworks, but on our last 4th of July together, you lit them all up for us.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to eat your eggs over easy the way dad would make them, because you like to poke the yellow yoke to make it run out and all over your plate.
Dad (Eric) remembers: How you would often wanted to put up our tent in the backyard to sleep in.
Going into your Second Angel Day, I felt like we were all alone, and on our own with dealing with all this grief and emotion by ourselves. I keep feeling like we had developed some kind of disease that caused others to keep their distance from us. After the accident I have to admit I did not like all the cards and flowers, etc simply because I did not want all this attention. I did not want to admit that I needed help. I did not want to admit that we were currently facing our One and only fear in this world. From then to now I have learned to MISS such tender reminders that we are still known and loved by God. That he hasn't forgotten us, because thankfully I have learned "that it is usually through others that he helps meet our needs." Said by a former prophet of our church, President Spencer W. Kimball. As again our heart were reminded of God love for us, for he sent SO many people our way to help us once again carry the weight of this difficult burden we have been carrying. I always stand corrected by his loving and so caring hand, which brings such peace to my heart and mind.
It's been a difficult recovery from last month's emotional events. I have had quite the emotional out of the blue hiccups that would just come in enormous waves. Your poor Father and siblings are so used to my randomness, that when the hiccups come, they loving look at me sigh and say, "Moms got the hiccups again." They are so good with just giving me space to let out my tears, how blessed we are Caleb to have such wonderful family who loves us. I have embarrassed myself a good many times this month with my hiccups. The other people that are so patient with me, and I feel sorry that they have to deal with my hiccups so much are the members of our church ward. They are so kind and loving, how blessed we are to have been placed in such a loving and understanding ward. Though I am sure that I am know as the lunatic of the ward with all these hiccups, but that is just fine. On top of all these hiccups I have received a new church calling in the ward. It was emotionally difficult for me to accept this one, AGAIN. For it is the same one that I had when you were with us in Nebraska. I feel obligated to do better this time around, for we both know that I failed it the first time. There is so much anxiety this time around that I am an emotional wreck with feeling like..... here I am again. Floods of memories constantly fill my mind, and bring much ache to my heart. Dad and I have been reading in Romans chapter Five. Oh how I love Paul. How I wish that I too could change my name to reflect my heart and be a reminder to myself of the old me and the new me. In verses 3-5 they say, "We glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulations worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience hope. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." Now it is truly through tribulations that gives us experience and knowledge of understanding of such things. For without it, we could not fulfill the very purpose of why we are here- for that is to become like God and be perfected in Christ. For we have only limited understanding without the blessings of tribulation, which opens our minds, in making room for more light and knowledge. In Romans 8: 24-26 it says, "For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope; for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Caleb so many of us pray for safely, pray for peace, pray to be kept out of harms way. So why is it that some are not given such things? It is simply because we do not know what to pray for. We think that these things are what we need, for truly it is God who knows what we need to learn and understand, especially when it comes time to be given further light and knowledge. One can shrug, as I did and sometimes still do, when one is stretched by unfavorable tribulations. I have come to better understand that, when tribulations come it is in that moment that we need to show our reverence and humility out to God, and say as Christ did, 'Thine will be done.' "For who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulations, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angles, nor principalities, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the Love of God, which is in Christ, Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:25-39.)
I am living proof that God's loving, merciful hand is continually stretched out always. It is ourselves that turn our backs on such loving and ever so capable hands. And yet his love is infinitely so tender and patient with our ever constant emotional hiccups. My newest thoughts are 'Bring it on!' "What shall we say to these? If God be for us, who can be against us?"(Romans 8:31) I welcome all these hiccup challenges, the accepting of the same church calling with being over cub scouts again, the selling of our special van that we bought with you in Nebraska... if anything good is going to come from any of this, it will be that us Mathison's ARE Finishers!!!
I love you,
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers: How you would ALWAYS bite on your straws, and how it would driving everyone crazy when we were sharing a drink. (Tamara has now in honor of you started to do this.)
LIahona remembers: How you used to be afraid of fireworks, but on our last 4th of July together, you lit them all up for us.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to eat your eggs over easy the way dad would make them, because you like to poke the yellow yoke to make it run out and all over your plate.
Dad (Eric) remembers: How you would often wanted to put up our tent in the backyard to sleep in.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Butterfly Release Ceremony
Caleb here we are with you celebrating your 2nd Angel Anniversary. Some Friends and Family gathered to be with us and you on the 25th. It was a beautiful evening, a great day for releasing butterflies in your honor.
Here is your trophy this year. We presented you with your missionary plaque, this being the end of you serving your Two Year mission. Most mother's get their sons back after they serve there 2 Year Mission, but I do not get such luxury. It truly was bitter sweet to award you with your missionary plaque. Nevertheless, we are proud of the hard missionary work that you are doing on the other side of the veil. We will hang your plaque with pride in your room, next to your other trophies; reminding us of your ever constant positive efforts that you are doing to serve on your mission.
This is what is engraved on your plaque, accompanied by a picture of you at your baptism with your Father all in white.
Caleb Luccas Mathison
Serving a Full Time Mission
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
2009- 2011
Team Angels
Here is your trophy this year. We presented you with your missionary plaque, this being the end of you serving your Two Year mission. Most mother's get their sons back after they serve there 2 Year Mission, but I do not get such luxury. It truly was bitter sweet to award you with your missionary plaque. Nevertheless, we are proud of the hard missionary work that you are doing on the other side of the veil. We will hang your plaque with pride in your room, next to your other trophies; reminding us of your ever constant positive efforts that you are doing to serve on your mission.
This is what is engraved on your plaque, accompanied by a picture of you at your baptism with your Father all in white.
Caleb Luccas Mathison
Serving a Full Time Mission
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
2009- 2011
Team Angels
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