Dear Caleb,
My heart can hardily contain all these feelings and emotions. I try to put on a smiling face for everyone, but inside I am such a wretched mess. Especially with yesterday being your 10th Birthday, and today being the 24th. Sometimes I just want to cry and cry, and when I do, there is just no stopping those tears. Usually it's when I am on my knees pleading for the Lords' help, or when I recognize a tender mercy from the Lord- helping us to feel of his love for us. Like when I was putting your Birthday video together, I couldn't seem to find your 7 year old birthday pictures anywhere in all the files we had saved on the computer. I said a prayer to find it and literally when I sat back down at the computer those pictures of yours popped up on the screen.... tears just flowed with gratitude for his tender mercies with helping us put that together for you.
There is an old conference talk from 2004 that I came across the other day. By Sister Clegg who was the second counselor in the Primary Presidency at that time, she talked about the importance to "Keep Moving." She said, "My husband’s great-grandfather Henry Clegg Jr. was a finisher. He joined the Church with his family when the first LDS missionaries went to Preston, England. Henry had a view of his destination in his mind as he and his wife, Hannah, and their two young boys immigrated to Utah. Henry left his older parents, who were too feeble to make such a long and arduous journey, knowing he would never see them again.
While crossing the plains, Hannah contracted cholera and died. She was laid to rest in an unmarked grave. The company then moved on, and at six in the evening, Henry’s youngest son also died. Henry retraced his steps to Hannah’s grave, placed his young son in his wife’s arms, and reburied the two of them together. Henry then had to return to the wagon train, now five miles away. Suffering from cholera himself, Henry described his condition as being at death’s door while realizing he still had a thousand miles to walk. Amazingly he continued forward, putting one foot in front of the other. He stopped writing in his journal for several weeks after losing his dear Hannah and little son. I was struck with the words he used when he did start writing again: “Still moving.”
What makes us, our family to "Keep Moving," especially when it seems so hard and impossible. What makes The Church of Jesus Christ so special to help one get through difficult circumstances? Why is this church so different then other churches? Caleb, I will tell you why. But first let me explain that being born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints, I did not understand why. I was good with observing all the outward appearances of being a good Member of the church. But honestly, I can tell you that I truly was not converted until after the accident, in which many call being saved. In the Book of Mormon 2 Nephi chapter 25 verses 23 and 26 says, "For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethern, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." "And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." But for me Caleb, on this journey that our family is on, finding our own finish to our story, it is a dire need to be saved everyday, not just once.
So why does my affiliation to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints seem to be more intense then ever before? We are taught that Our Father in Heaven created a beautiful plan for us, to come to earth, receive a body, and to prove faithful in our love for him in this life, and we will be blessed with a royal crown on high- to come dwell with him. But what about our families that we have grown to love and cherish while in this earthly life? To leave them behind when one moves on to the next life, is a sore and painful heartbreak. We are taught that when one is married in the Holy Temples of the Lord, we are married not just for time here on earth but for ALL eternity. And we are promised and blessed that all the children that we help bring down to earth will be ours for time on earth, and for all eternity too.
Back in August 2009, right before the accident I prayed that I would gain a stronger understanding of the temples of the Lord. I knew they were important, but I didn't understand exactly why. When we were in Nauvoo after your baptism, remember when Grandma and Grandpa Mathison were watching you, so Dad and I could attend the temple there in Nauvoo- well I prayed that I would gain a stronger understanding of the temple. And then the next week came the accident. For the longest time I thought it was all my fault for praying for such a thing- my mother always told me to be careful what you pray for because you just might get it. And she was right. It has been a bitter journey for our family without you here. But because of Christ's atoning sacrifice for us, he truly has made all things possible. The promises in the temple, to be an eternal family is our one and only Hope in this life and in the next- this is what we fight for, to be worthy to receive this promised blessing someday. The one righteous burning desire of our hearts, to be a complete family again, to be whole- in being an eternal family. This is why we can tell people that we are "Still Moving."
How much we love the Lord, our Savior for making all things to be made right someday. And for our Father in Heaven who has blessed us with Holy Temples to create Eternal Families, where one can always have Hope. I call Temples a symbol of God's love for us, his children. Oh how he is truly mindful of our needs, both temporal and eternal.
Happy 10th Birthday Caleb. We are truly thankful for your obedience and willingness to answer the call to serve on the other side of the veil. Thank you for pointing our family towards these Holy Temples, and to come unto Christ. What a blessing you have been to our family from the beginning, thank you for your patience with us. We are trying our best to catch up, please don't loosen your slack on us now.
We Love You,
Love Your Mommy
Tamara's newest memory is that she remembers trying to find where Gus (our hamster) was burried in their Nebraska sandbox in the back yard. Her and Caleb kept digging up sand to try to find Gus, because they missed him, but they could never find him.
Liahona's newest memory is that she remembers that her and Caleb came up with the idea to clean up the whole house. Caleb came up to her and said Let's pick up this room for mom and dad. And she said That's a good idea, but let's pick up the whole house. And Caleb said YEAH! And then they ran downstairs to the white board and drew out their plans.
Mom (Tanya) remembers How Caleb liked sleeping on the twin air mattress and how he liked to bounce around on it.
Dad (Eric) remembers How Caleb loved to go bowling as a family. And how excited he would get when he would knock all the pins down to get a strike or spare.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
12months old
On June 23, 2002:
You were walking. You were climbing. You were pulling off all the books on the bookshelf. You were always holding rocks. you were always wanting to play ball. you were enjoying your new little sister Little Miss, is what we first called her.
You were always wanting to hug and kiss her, which was awfully cute but it would make her cry because you were still learning how to be soft. You were still waking up often throughout the nights.
(pictures to come.)
You were walking. You were climbing. You were pulling off all the books on the bookshelf. You were always holding rocks. you were always wanting to play ball. you were enjoying your new little sister Little Miss, is what we first called her.
You were always wanting to hug and kiss her, which was awfully cute but it would make her cry because you were still learning how to be soft. You were still waking up often throughout the nights.
(pictures to come.)
Happy 10th Birthday Caleb
(Thank you Julie for sending us this song, it has been perfect for our hearts with making Caleb's birthday memory video.)
Happy Pirate Birthday Caleb, the girls thought you would like to have a pirate party this year so we are, in honor of you.
We hope you can feel our love for you today as we celebrate with you.
We Love You, Love Your Family
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
My One Last Bitter Cry
Dear Caleb,
I have just finished my second round of Mother's Day without you, and your Dad and siblings tried so hard to make it such a nice day, with hugs and kisses, cards and gifts... but once again it was a bitter and very difficult go around. I was relieved when they didn't have the primary children sing to us mother's at church. Instead they had the Dad's, which sounded so lovely that it took away my tears and made me laugh, which was perfect. However, I did choke up a few times because it wasn't just the Dad's that got up to sing, it was all the primary boys too. I thought I could See you standing next to your Dad, and could hear your sweet voice singing. Your voice is still so familiar to me that I can hear you sing when your favorite songs are played... and this was one of those. They sang the song, "Mother, I Love You."
"Mother I love you, Mother I do.
Father in Heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you, I love to hear you.
Singing so softly that you love me too.
Mother I love you, I love you, I do."
This was one of those sweet songs that you would sing around the house. It always made me smile when I would hear you singing this song as you cleaned your room, took a bath, or played outside. So I wanted to thank you Caleb for letting me hear your voice again as you got up to sing with your Daddy.
Our church building has the exact same floor plan as our church building in Nebraska. So throughout the meeting, when the tears would start to swell, I went to the same place that I did last year on Mother's Day... in the kitchen to be alone to cry. I cried such bitter tears from my broken heart. I thought I could handle going to church this time on Mother's Day but I was wrong, I was still carrying my guilt and disappointment in myself for not being a better mother to protect you, as mother's are suppose to do.
The whole week leading up to Mother's Day, my body started throwing yet another tantrum- which placed me in another huge depression wave! Making my limbs heavy so I could hardly get out of bed, fatigue kicked in and lasted throughout the whole day. I was getting up to 12 and half hours of sleep in a day- with going to bed as early at 6:30pm and sleeping in til 8:30am. I just wanted to sleep all the time- I had no energy to do anything, nor did I feel like doing anything but cry and sleep.
I was reading the words from Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the 12 apostles he said, " It is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something. Desires dictate our priorities, Priorities shape our choices, and Choices determine our actions." The day before Mother's Day I was talking to my sister April, I was telling her that I was tired of being so tired all the time. I knew that I needed to do something for I was caught in a terrible depression. My sister said that I needed to get my blood flow going, and try to get my body moving. I told her working out was the last thing that I would want to do, especially when I had no energy to do it. But she lovingly persisted that, that is what would help pull me through this tsunami depression wave.
Dallin H Oaks from his talk on Desire from this April Conference, continued to say, "The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving and our becoming. This is a power of an overriding desire on priorities and on actions." I knew that if wanted to beat this depression wave- for me, for my marriage, for my family, that I had to move fast. So, I made to choice to get my body moving, forcing to sleep less, staying active during the day with little or no naps, and try to get my body up and moving to workout in our garage gym with Daddy before he goes off to work each morning. I feel like crying every time I sit on my cycling bike and rower, it is so hard on my body, but I know it is what I need to do to keep from giving in.
After a day of bitter tears on Mother's Day, I got on my knees to say my morning prayer, and I received this amazing clear perspective that I was ready to give the Lord the rest of my heart that i have been holding back from being healed-I was ready to Forgive myself. To say that I have truly trusted in him would be wrong. I wasn't completely trusting is his will, I still was wanting to hold back a small piece; wishing, hoping that somehow by chance, we could have everything back the way it was, hoping to get our miracle, which some people seem to get. But by doing this, it has only caused more pain and heartache. I finally felt that I was at a breaking point and tired of carrying this 10% which has been greatly sore on my heart and body.
I said to Heavenly Father, that I felt that I was ready to give the rest of this trial into His loving hands: the weight of guilt that I have been carrying the for so long, the idea of just being so upset with myself for not being a better mom, the frustrations of not doing better in protecting my son, and the feelings that I am not deserving of any love- of which I have been punishing myself since the accident. For me to take on this load of being responsible, was only a loving gesture of a loving earthly mother- but it was not mine to do. It was a gift from Father in Heaven to help us to see things more clearly. The responsibility, honor, and glory goes to the one who is All knowing, and Has no end, and knows what is the best thing for us. Caleb the most amazing thing happened once I was able to finally express and mean it, that I was ready to forgive myself, I was immediately relieved from my severe body aches and pains, and a smile was on my face the whole day. It had finally made sense in my mind that if this truly WAS Heavenly Father's path for us to learn to come unto him, then he MUST have the way for us to come up on top at the end. I am afraid that I have taken this life way too seriously, yes life is important, but we don't live for this life, we live to qualify for the next.
I am feeling better equipped to handling these next difficult months June your birthday and August your angel anniversary. Though this has not been what I expected life to be for our family nor our lot in life, yet, however, it has been exactly what our family has needed to pull together- to sift out the dross of our lives, and to focus on the promised blessings of eternal life and to become an eternal family.
Though our hears are still broken, we take great comfort in knowing that because of Christ All will be made right.
I am still having a very difficult time answering the question, "How are you doing?" If I say, "Fine, or good", I am lying to myself. If I answer honestly, "Terrible, unhappy," people look at me like I am a weirdo. So I do not answer about me, I answer with the "H"ope that we have in Christ. I say, "Because of Christ I am well, How about you?" I feel it is the only right answer to testify of my love for him, and his hand that we have literally seen in our lives- for without him we would be nothing.
Caleb thank you for serving so faithfully on your mission, it is truly a blessing to our family. We hope our actions show you our love by serving with you- by bring much glory and honor to our Father in Heaven, expressing our gratitude for his many tender mercies that he has given to us as a family.
We Love You More Than Words Can Express, Our Buddy Boy!
Love Your Mommy
Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to play line tag with her and Liahona. He even taught Grandpa Brooks how to play Line Tag with them when he came to visit while he was in Chicago for work.
Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to make his own books and would say, "Who wants to check out a book?" And how he would also try to sell his books for .5, .10, and .25 And how he always wanted to make his own library.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb would get upset if we had water to go with our dinners instead of juice. He would say, "Is that water? I don't want water!"
Dad (Eric)remembers how Caleb liked playing church. He would make a talk, get songs to sing, scriptures out to read and sacrament prepared. Then he would gather everyone together and he would conduct give the prayer have everyone sing, give the talk, read from scriptures, pass out the sacrament, and have everyone sing another song.
I have just finished my second round of Mother's Day without you, and your Dad and siblings tried so hard to make it such a nice day, with hugs and kisses, cards and gifts... but once again it was a bitter and very difficult go around. I was relieved when they didn't have the primary children sing to us mother's at church. Instead they had the Dad's, which sounded so lovely that it took away my tears and made me laugh, which was perfect. However, I did choke up a few times because it wasn't just the Dad's that got up to sing, it was all the primary boys too. I thought I could See you standing next to your Dad, and could hear your sweet voice singing. Your voice is still so familiar to me that I can hear you sing when your favorite songs are played... and this was one of those. They sang the song, "Mother, I Love You."
"Mother I love you, Mother I do.
Father in Heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you, I love to hear you.
Singing so softly that you love me too.
Mother I love you, I love you, I do."
This was one of those sweet songs that you would sing around the house. It always made me smile when I would hear you singing this song as you cleaned your room, took a bath, or played outside. So I wanted to thank you Caleb for letting me hear your voice again as you got up to sing with your Daddy.
Our church building has the exact same floor plan as our church building in Nebraska. So throughout the meeting, when the tears would start to swell, I went to the same place that I did last year on Mother's Day... in the kitchen to be alone to cry. I cried such bitter tears from my broken heart. I thought I could handle going to church this time on Mother's Day but I was wrong, I was still carrying my guilt and disappointment in myself for not being a better mother to protect you, as mother's are suppose to do.
The whole week leading up to Mother's Day, my body started throwing yet another tantrum- which placed me in another huge depression wave! Making my limbs heavy so I could hardly get out of bed, fatigue kicked in and lasted throughout the whole day. I was getting up to 12 and half hours of sleep in a day- with going to bed as early at 6:30pm and sleeping in til 8:30am. I just wanted to sleep all the time- I had no energy to do anything, nor did I feel like doing anything but cry and sleep.
I was reading the words from Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the 12 apostles he said, " It is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something. Desires dictate our priorities, Priorities shape our choices, and Choices determine our actions." The day before Mother's Day I was talking to my sister April, I was telling her that I was tired of being so tired all the time. I knew that I needed to do something for I was caught in a terrible depression. My sister said that I needed to get my blood flow going, and try to get my body moving. I told her working out was the last thing that I would want to do, especially when I had no energy to do it. But she lovingly persisted that, that is what would help pull me through this tsunami depression wave.
Dallin H Oaks from his talk on Desire from this April Conference, continued to say, "The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving and our becoming. This is a power of an overriding desire on priorities and on actions." I knew that if wanted to beat this depression wave- for me, for my marriage, for my family, that I had to move fast. So, I made to choice to get my body moving, forcing to sleep less, staying active during the day with little or no naps, and try to get my body up and moving to workout in our garage gym with Daddy before he goes off to work each morning. I feel like crying every time I sit on my cycling bike and rower, it is so hard on my body, but I know it is what I need to do to keep from giving in.
After a day of bitter tears on Mother's Day, I got on my knees to say my morning prayer, and I received this amazing clear perspective that I was ready to give the Lord the rest of my heart that i have been holding back from being healed-I was ready to Forgive myself. To say that I have truly trusted in him would be wrong. I wasn't completely trusting is his will, I still was wanting to hold back a small piece; wishing, hoping that somehow by chance, we could have everything back the way it was, hoping to get our miracle, which some people seem to get. But by doing this, it has only caused more pain and heartache. I finally felt that I was at a breaking point and tired of carrying this 10% which has been greatly sore on my heart and body.
I said to Heavenly Father, that I felt that I was ready to give the rest of this trial into His loving hands: the weight of guilt that I have been carrying the for so long, the idea of just being so upset with myself for not being a better mom, the frustrations of not doing better in protecting my son, and the feelings that I am not deserving of any love- of which I have been punishing myself since the accident. For me to take on this load of being responsible, was only a loving gesture of a loving earthly mother- but it was not mine to do. It was a gift from Father in Heaven to help us to see things more clearly. The responsibility, honor, and glory goes to the one who is All knowing, and Has no end, and knows what is the best thing for us. Caleb the most amazing thing happened once I was able to finally express and mean it, that I was ready to forgive myself, I was immediately relieved from my severe body aches and pains, and a smile was on my face the whole day. It had finally made sense in my mind that if this truly WAS Heavenly Father's path for us to learn to come unto him, then he MUST have the way for us to come up on top at the end. I am afraid that I have taken this life way too seriously, yes life is important, but we don't live for this life, we live to qualify for the next.
I am feeling better equipped to handling these next difficult months June your birthday and August your angel anniversary. Though this has not been what I expected life to be for our family nor our lot in life, yet, however, it has been exactly what our family has needed to pull together- to sift out the dross of our lives, and to focus on the promised blessings of eternal life and to become an eternal family.
Though our hears are still broken, we take great comfort in knowing that because of Christ All will be made right.
I am still having a very difficult time answering the question, "How are you doing?" If I say, "Fine, or good", I am lying to myself. If I answer honestly, "Terrible, unhappy," people look at me like I am a weirdo. So I do not answer about me, I answer with the "H"ope that we have in Christ. I say, "Because of Christ I am well, How about you?" I feel it is the only right answer to testify of my love for him, and his hand that we have literally seen in our lives- for without him we would be nothing.
Caleb thank you for serving so faithfully on your mission, it is truly a blessing to our family. We hope our actions show you our love by serving with you- by bring much glory and honor to our Father in Heaven, expressing our gratitude for his many tender mercies that he has given to us as a family.
We Love You More Than Words Can Express, Our Buddy Boy!
Love Your Mommy
Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to play line tag with her and Liahona. He even taught Grandpa Brooks how to play Line Tag with them when he came to visit while he was in Chicago for work.
Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to make his own books and would say, "Who wants to check out a book?" And how he would also try to sell his books for .5, .10, and .25 And how he always wanted to make his own library.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb would get upset if we had water to go with our dinners instead of juice. He would say, "Is that water? I don't want water!"
Dad (Eric)remembers how Caleb liked playing church. He would make a talk, get songs to sing, scriptures out to read and sacrament prepared. Then he would gather everyone together and he would conduct give the prayer have everyone sing, give the talk, read from scriptures, pass out the sacrament, and have everyone sing another song.
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