My One Last Bitter Cry

Dear Caleb,

I have just finished my second round of Mother's Day without you, and your Dad and siblings tried so hard to make it such a nice day, with hugs and kisses, cards and gifts... but once again it was a bitter and very difficult go around. I was relieved when they didn't have the primary children sing to us mother's at church. Instead they had the Dad's, which sounded so lovely that it took away my tears and made me laugh, which was perfect. However, I did choke up a few times because it wasn't just the Dad's that got up to sing, it was all the primary boys too. I thought I could See you standing next to your Dad, and could hear your sweet voice singing. Your voice is still so familiar to me that I can hear you sing when your favorite songs are played... and this was one of those. They sang the song, "Mother, I Love You."
"Mother I love you, Mother I do.
Father in Heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you, I love to hear you.
Singing so softly that you love me too.
Mother I love you, I love you, I do."
This was one of those sweet songs that you would sing around the house. It always made me smile when I would hear you singing this song as you cleaned your room, took a bath, or played outside. So I wanted to thank you Caleb for letting me hear your voice again as you got up to sing with your Daddy.

Our church building has the exact same floor plan as our church building in Nebraska. So throughout the meeting, when the tears would start to swell, I went to the same place that I did last year on Mother's Day... in the kitchen to be alone to cry. I cried such bitter tears from my broken heart. I thought I could handle going to church this time on Mother's Day but I was wrong, I was still carrying my guilt and disappointment in myself for not being a better mother to protect you, as mother's are suppose to do.

The whole week leading up to Mother's Day, my body started throwing yet another tantrum- which placed me in another huge depression wave! Making my limbs heavy so I could hardly get out of bed, fatigue kicked in and lasted throughout the whole day. I was getting up to 12 and half hours of sleep in a day- with going to bed as early at 6:30pm and sleeping in til 8:30am. I just wanted to sleep all the time- I had no energy to do anything, nor did I feel like doing anything but cry and sleep.

I was reading the words from Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the 12 apostles he said, " It is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something. Desires dictate our priorities, Priorities shape our choices, and Choices determine our actions." The day before Mother's Day I was talking to my sister April, I was telling her that I was tired of being so tired all the time. I knew that I needed to do something for I was caught in a terrible depression. My sister said that I needed to get my blood flow going, and try to get my body moving. I told her working out was the last thing that I would want to do, especially when I had no energy to do it. But she lovingly persisted that, that is what would help pull me through this tsunami depression wave.

Dallin H Oaks from his talk on Desire from this April Conference, continued to say, "The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving and our becoming. This is a power of an overriding desire on priorities and on actions." I knew that if wanted to beat this depression wave- for me, for my marriage, for my family, that I had to move fast. So, I made to choice to get my body moving, forcing to sleep less, staying active during the day with little or no naps, and try to get my body up and moving to workout in our garage gym with Daddy before he goes off to work each morning. I feel like crying every time I sit on my cycling bike and rower, it is so hard on my body, but I know it is what I need to do to keep from giving in.

After a day of bitter tears on Mother's Day, I got on my knees to say my morning prayer, and I received this amazing clear perspective that I was ready to give the Lord the rest of my heart that i have been holding back from being healed-I was ready to Forgive myself. To say that I have truly trusted in him would be wrong. I wasn't completely trusting is his will, I still was wanting to hold back a small piece; wishing, hoping that somehow by chance, we could have everything back the way it was, hoping to get our miracle, which some people seem to get. But by doing this, it has only caused more pain and heartache. I finally felt that I was at a breaking point and tired of carrying this 10% which has been greatly sore on my heart and body.
I said to Heavenly Father, that I felt that I was ready to give the rest of this trial into His loving hands: the weight of guilt that I have been carrying the for so long, the idea of just being so upset with myself for not being a better mom, the frustrations of not doing better in protecting my son, and the feelings that I am not deserving of any love- of which I have been punishing myself since the accident. For me to take on this load of being responsible, was only a loving gesture of a loving earthly mother- but it was not mine to do. It was a gift from Father in Heaven to help us to see things more clearly. The responsibility, honor, and glory goes to the one who is All knowing, and Has no end, and knows what is the best thing for us. Caleb the most amazing thing happened once I was able to finally express and mean it, that I was ready to forgive myself, I was immediately relieved from my severe body aches and pains, and a smile was on my face the whole day. It had finally made sense in my mind that if this truly WAS Heavenly Father's path for us to learn to come unto him, then he MUST have the way for us to come up on top at the end. I am afraid that I have taken this life way too seriously, yes life is important, but we don't live for this life, we live to qualify for the next.

I am feeling better equipped to handling these next difficult months June your birthday and August your angel anniversary. Though this has not been what I expected life to be for our family nor our lot in life, yet, however, it has been exactly what our family has needed to pull together- to sift out the dross of our lives, and to focus on the promised blessings of eternal life and to become an eternal family.

Though our hears are still broken, we take great comfort in knowing that because of Christ All will be made right.
I am still having a very difficult time answering the question, "How are you doing?" If I say, "Fine, or good", I am lying to myself. If I answer honestly, "Terrible, unhappy," people look at me like I am a weirdo. So I do not answer about me, I answer with the "H"ope that we have in Christ. I say, "Because of Christ I am well, How about you?" I feel it is the only right answer to testify of my love for him, and his hand that we have literally seen in our lives- for without him we would be nothing.

Caleb thank you for serving so faithfully on your mission, it is truly a blessing to our family. We hope our actions show you our love by serving with you- by bring much glory and honor to our Father in Heaven, expressing our gratitude for his many tender mercies that he has given to us as a family.

We Love You More Than Words Can Express, Our Buddy Boy!
Love Your Mommy

Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to play line tag with her and Liahona. He even taught Grandpa Brooks how to play Line Tag with them when he came to visit while he was in Chicago for work.
Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to make his own books and would say, "Who wants to check out a book?" And how he would also try to sell his books for .5, .10, and .25 And how he always wanted to make his own library.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb would get upset if we had water to go with our dinners instead of juice. He would say, "Is that water? I don't want water!"
Dad (Eric)remembers how Caleb liked playing church. He would make a talk, get songs to sing, scriptures out to read and sacrament prepared. Then he would gather everyone together and he would conduct give the prayer have everyone sing, give the talk, read from scriptures, pass out the sacrament, and have everyone sing another song.

11 months old

On May 23rd, 2002
You were 11 months old.

You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......

(Soon to be filled in.)

The Season of Easter

Dear Caleb,

Recently, I am finding myself to be weighed down with emotions again- though I should been filled with joy from the promise of the blessings that this Easter Season brings. Our Prophet Thomas S Monson shared this about the Savior, he said, " His example points the way. When faced with temptation, He shunned it. When offered the world, He declined it. When asked for His life, He gave it."
There is NO other season that brings more Hope and gives a sense of Joy to be, as in this Easter Season. A former member of the 12 Apostles, Joseph B Wirthlin said, "Our work here is but a shadow of greater and unimaginable things to come." I look forward to that soon to be Joy so much that I have a very difficult time living this now. I get so impatient and so anxious just to have our family be together again. This temporary separation is so heavy on the heart, and yet I am grateful each day to have this pain because it keeps our family focused and keeps us working harder each day to be worthy of such a grand reward- with being an Eternal Family. It keeps me from falling into the comforts of this world, as I have done so many times before in the past. As is says in 2Nephi 28: 20-21 that so many of us will do this in these Last Days, it says, "At that day shall (the devil) lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well- and thus the devil cheateth their souls." How grateful I am to know better than to say All is Well. Only through Christ will ALL be made well and right. My broken heart rejoices to know that ALL can be made right again, that we can be together again Caleb. It is my only sole focus and goal in this my mortal probation. Any other goals and desires do NOT come close to the drive that I have for us as an Eternal Family. I cannot afford to bring more failure to our family, nor do I ever want to look you in the eyes with regret of what I knew I should have done, but did not. In the musical 'The Music Man' is says, "Live only for tomorrow, and you will have a lot of empty yesterdays." I unfortunately fall into this category. I focus so much on the future with the joy and peace that will come...though I think it is okay at times to do, being a strong remedy to help me keep my focus and to move forward- but it is also my downfall. Just to focus on the future could hurt our family now, keeping that balance is so difficult to do- especially when my broken heart longs to be mended, with being complete as a whole family again. Our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson said, "Your mind is a cupboard, and you stock the shelves." I have so many shelves stuffed with ideas, thoughts, hopes, joys of the future that over powers shelves that I need to use for today. Caleb, I know what I need to do, I know that I need to help our family by helping your siblings now- Here on earth with Dad and I, so that we all can be found worthy to come home, and be together. I really like the words from President Gordon B HInckley, he said, "As we train a new generation, so will the world be in a few years. If you are worried about the future, then look to the upbringing of your children." I do worry so much about our future as a family, but if I follow the counsel of our former Prophet, by focusing on helping Liahona, Tamara, and Montey now, that our future will be made right, that things will work out in the end. I know that our family will have our Happily Ever After Ending someday- though it may take longer than what I would want it to be, but if we can hold out strong, because of Christ ALL will be made right. Our prophet Thomas S Monson said, "We cannot afford to be complacent. We live in perilous times. May we ever follow the Prince of Peace, Who literally showed the way for us to follow, for by doing so, we will survive these turbulent times." Each New day I am so determined to live better, to be better, that I may help our family succeed with what has been allotted to us. We can and WILL do all that is required of us. Our love is too strong to fail us. We So Greatly Love You Buddy Boy.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to go fishing in the frog pond behind our house in Nebraska. He would get out his fishing pole from the garage and put it together and take it in the backyard to the pond, but he never caught anything. But almost did once says Liahona, she thought it was a baby fish.
Liahona remembers that every time Caleb would sleep in the girls room for Friday Night, Sleepover night, He would jump off the top bunk onto the floor piled with blankets and pillows. And he would say, "You gotta try that! It was Fun!"
Mom(Tanya) remembers how Caleb always wanted to listen to the 'Move It, Move It' song from Madagascar. Plus he loved to switch to the 'Alex on Spot' from Madagascar 2 on playlist.com
Dad(Eric) remembers how Caleb did NOT like germs. And how he wouldn't ever have to remind Caleb to wash his hands because he would always remember to do it himself, all on his own.

10 months old

On April 23rd, 2002
You were 11 months old.

You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......

(Soon to be filled in.)