The Love of a Father in Heaven

Dear Caleb,
Here we are in a New Year, the year 2011. It brings much uneasiness to me knowing that we get to start another one- though I am determined to make this year a better use of my borrowed time from the Lord.

Last year I could not have told you if I had strong enough faith to keep me from falling apart with grief and a broken heart. The pain was so strong that I thought I would suffer eternally from all the effects of it's nasty grip. There were so many times that I had to ask myself, "If there was a God who loved us, WHY on earth would he let this happen to us? Weren't we good people? Weren't we living a decent life that would please him?" I could not believe that this ALL loving Father in Heaven that I have been taught as a child would purposely cause pain to our lives. I knew that couldn't be so, but I couldn't help but feel then, that maybe if we would have done better or been better, then he would have loved us more and stopped what had happened.

I have better come to know that I really did NOT understand the true nature of God's Love for me, and for all his children. Our Father in Heaven "Maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." (Matthew 5:45) Caleb, I know that our Father Loves us with much greatness in his heart, and he does not send us this to cause us grief. Just like in Hebrews12:6 says, "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth." This experience has caused us to pause in ALL things in life, and to look at life in a different perspective... out of survival towards the Lord. To receive escape from the awful jaws of darkness, of anger, of depression, the thoughts of hurting oneself, the confusion... oh the confusion of the inner conflict between body and soul. Having to experience that, the unknown, is what we really were scared of- And where to go from there? At those moments, in those moments- where can one really turn to for "Real" relief? Who can possibly be strong enough to help one emerge from that torment of inner conflict.

Caleb, oh sweet Caleb, words cannot describe effectively of how I have finally and truly tasted of the goodness, from The One, the only one who truly knows my aches and pains. These have weighted me down in misery for so long. I can now finally sing that inner song of Redeeming Love. All this chastening has caused our family to come together with purpose and focus. I know better now because of this experience to NEVER say again, "If the Lord loved us, why would he do this to us?" For that is backwards. He gives us these experiences because he loves us. Though the trials may not be favorable at all, or ever be what we would like to go through, or have happen to us... It is through and from these experiences that we can be of help to others. For only after experiencing what we have felt, to know of the pain and grief that comes from it- can we bring "True" and "Real" support to help comfort others.

Neal A. Maxwell, a former member of the 12 Apostles said, "We all may go through a part of the Gethsemane, with the Lord to know deep sorrow, so that we can through Christ triumph over these trials, that we may become stronger." In 1st Peter chapter 4: 12-13 says, "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, though some strange thing happened unto you; But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."

Because of Heavenly Father's love for us, he is hoping that we will come out refined and much stronger than ever before. He does not send us here on earth to suffer but to gain wisdom, knowledge and understanding; that we can become more like him... full of love for others who ache and hurt and suffer as we once did; that we may help them in their bitterness of times.I am thankful for the thorns in life, Christ too had lived a life with thorns, but because of him, the Thorns of Life are now A Crown of Glory. Of whom I only hope that I am worthy someday to see of the prints in his hands and feet and to be called by name and told, "Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth. " (Alma 5:16)

We Love you Dear Buddy Boy, we greatly look forward to the day when our broken hearts will be replaced with much Rejoicing- when we get to be a complete family again. Keep up the grand missionary work you are doing. We are ever so proud of you.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers that she threw up near Caleb's head, when she was on the top bunk bed and Caleb was sleeping on the girls floor.

Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to try new weird things, like dipping his carrots in ketchup.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb like to play dominos and try to get them all to stand up, then he would knock the all down with just 1 tap.

Dad (Eric) remembers how proud Caleb was of himself when he would make skid marks on the ground with his bike, that he would get everyone to come see them.

7 months old

On the 23rd of January 2002, you were 7 months old it was very snowy and cold in Cheney Washington. Our apartment stayed warm well, since we were on the top floor. It was in the summer times that was difficult with all the heat, and trying to stay cool. We couldn't leave our balcony door open because i was always afraid you would roll your way out the door and down to the concrete parking lot. I was a BIG worry wart with everything when it came to you. I had the hardest time when you cried excessively with colic, I thought I was the world's worst mother because I couldn't comfort you. I put you first before anyone, including your father... something that only got worse with each child as they came. Something that I am finally starting to do better in. (Well at least I hope so.)

Things that you were doing at this age was:
(still trying to find the book, will fill in later.)

Christmas in Nebraska

(Remember to pause the music off on the left side bar before you push play on this video.)

Looking forward to the JOY (newly revised)

Dear Caleb,
So here we are again another Christmas without you physically with us. It has been a month of emotions for me. So full, that I have yet to figure out what to do with them. Last month, shortly after Thanksgiving we went to the Christmas play 'The Forgotten Carols ' written by Michael McLean. I remember going to this play when I was about 11 years old, the music has always been some of my favorite Christmas songs. But this time while listening I heard something new. Something that touched my heart ever so powerfully and spoke to me as though I heard you talk to me. It was in the song about Joseph the Carpenter, and how he might have felt being imperfect raising the Son of God, who was perfect. In this song Joseph was contemplated how he did with raising the Son of God, hoping that he did OK. And then the song says that Joseph heard the Lord say, "You have done just fine." Caleb I have battled over this more than anything, hoping that I did even the slightest bit of good raising you. And I heard you tell me those same words, "You have done just fine."

As I was looking for a Christmas movie I came across this one notebook. I started to thumb through it and I came to a page with your testimony on it- something that we never got to hear you bear in person. As I read it I could hear you share these words with us:
"I know that Jesus has died for me. He loves children I know I sow the movie. I love Jesus becaese he creatid me. He loves us to! Some times you want to watch church movies on sunday. You better love your family. Missrnares come to your house. On Sunday you go to church. Some times you have mettings. " (written exactly how Caleb wrote it)

I am very much like that Joseph the Carpenter song, I am flawed and so imperfect. I am glad that the Lord has blessed you and helped you come home, inspite of my imperfections with you being my 1st born. I was so unprepared and felt so inadequate to raise such a perfect child as yourself, Thank you for being so patient with me. You have taught us oh so very much.

My thoughts have turned a lot to Mary during this Christmas month. If anyone would know the heartache of loosing a firstborn son, it would be Mary. For her to be content with what she was allotted, is an amazing example for me. I am still trying to be content, but it is so very difficult for my heart to accept all that IS. But I know as imperfect and flawed that I am, I can be like Mary, and be content with the Lord's help. Of which I am so grateful for this Christmas season to grant me this strength.

Caleb something happened to me this Christmas season. I have been given a more broad perspective to see life with. In the past I have been so upset knowing that I had to keep living without you, feeling ever so guilty that you left alone on my watch. When I should have left too, but only I was giving extended time on this life. Though pieces of those feelings will always be burried deep down inside me, i have felt a new sense of life now. I have come to realize that I am on borrowed time! And I haven't done well with it so far, and I am determined to use it more wisely. I cannot have joy and happiness like I use too, it was to trivial. My joy and happiness comes from and goes much deeper than ever before. To be with your 3 siblings here is a pure, inexpressible joy in my heart- to know that we are receiving your help daily is healing to my aching heart. We have felt your presence and heard your voice often. What a blessed gift these moments have been to us. Your Daddy is such an amazing man, to have his extended patience for me, is beyond what I could have ever hoped for. He has been a big help with helping me to appreciate life again- instead of staying in the past with being full of bitterness and anger. My broke heart will always be there, but I have so much Joy within knowing that when Christ comes he will bring healing in his wings, and all will be made right. Christ came once, and I am grateful to know that he will come again, and oh how that time is coming soon as the Scriptures say. We rejoice with much rejoicing this Christmas. And we look forward to that wonderful JOY that is coming!!

Merry Christmas Caleb. We love you.
Love, Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers making a book path with Caleb. They could only walk where there were books. And sometimes they would stop along the path and read a book. Then they would set it back down and continue walking on the path.

Liahona remembers when listening to the "Move IT" song from Madagascar her, Caleb and Tamara thought the part that says, "I like to Party, party" was "I like to potty, potty."

Mom remembers how Caleb liked climbing on the outside of the stair railing and would be scared when he was up high at first, but soon got brave to do it over and over again with little fear.

Dad remembers how Caleb loved exploring the campgrounds that we camped at.