Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
Our Perfect Day- Then Everything Changed
Dear Caleb,
Six Years Ago today, your Father had the day off so we went to an Apple Tree Farm nearby the City of Lincoln. It was just a Perfect Day- the weather, all you kids getting along and cooperating, we had so much fun exploring and picking apples, we practically had the whole place to ourselves- it was so enjoyable... Then everything changed by the evening. And since then our whole world has been swirling crazily around us ever since. Right Now Six Years Ago, you and I were at different hospitals as our world came crashing down ever so quickly, our high of the day suddenly hit the lowest of the lows that we had ever known. And Today I am missing you like everything just happened again. I am so heart broken, it is so difficult having to relive this time year after year, it rips my heart right open all over again... it is such a devastating blow in having reality hit you hard in the face.
I am growing so tired of these endless cycles, each year I think this is it, I can't take another step... and then another year goes by. It is surprising the steps we have been able to take and the strength that has come out of no where to carry us throughout these many years. I've constantly been saying today, "Six years, oh my gosh, it's been six years"... I just can't seem to believe it. I still don't want to believe it, I want to just think it was a terrible nightmare and I will wake up at any moment and will to see your smiling face. I am missing you so much it just hurts all over again.
So much happened on Aug the 24th, up to the wee hours of the 25th when your Daddy and I walked the halls of the hospital after the doctors declared that you had returned home. A mother's worst nightmare is to loose a child, and I was left at my weakest point constantly trying to make sense of everything and thinking what do I do next?????? Even six years later I am still doing this, yet coming to the conclusion that there is nothing to make sense of, because as devastating as it is, it just happened and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I am also still constantly thinking of what am I going to do now? And still coming to the conclusion to just take baby steps, that is all I can do, and that is all that is ever expected.
I Love you and Miss you more then words can ever express Caleb.
As a family we choose to keep trying because We Love You, and do not ever want to let you down.
Love You Buddy Boy, Love Always Your Momma
Six Years Ago today, your Father had the day off so we went to an Apple Tree Farm nearby the City of Lincoln. It was just a Perfect Day- the weather, all you kids getting along and cooperating, we had so much fun exploring and picking apples, we practically had the whole place to ourselves- it was so enjoyable... Then everything changed by the evening. And since then our whole world has been swirling crazily around us ever since. Right Now Six Years Ago, you and I were at different hospitals as our world came crashing down ever so quickly, our high of the day suddenly hit the lowest of the lows that we had ever known. And Today I am missing you like everything just happened again. I am so heart broken, it is so difficult having to relive this time year after year, it rips my heart right open all over again... it is such a devastating blow in having reality hit you hard in the face.
I am growing so tired of these endless cycles, each year I think this is it, I can't take another step... and then another year goes by. It is surprising the steps we have been able to take and the strength that has come out of no where to carry us throughout these many years. I've constantly been saying today, "Six years, oh my gosh, it's been six years"... I just can't seem to believe it. I still don't want to believe it, I want to just think it was a terrible nightmare and I will wake up at any moment and will to see your smiling face. I am missing you so much it just hurts all over again.
So much happened on Aug the 24th, up to the wee hours of the 25th when your Daddy and I walked the halls of the hospital after the doctors declared that you had returned home. A mother's worst nightmare is to loose a child, and I was left at my weakest point constantly trying to make sense of everything and thinking what do I do next?????? Even six years later I am still doing this, yet coming to the conclusion that there is nothing to make sense of, because as devastating as it is, it just happened and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I am also still constantly thinking of what am I going to do now? And still coming to the conclusion to just take baby steps, that is all I can do, and that is all that is ever expected.
I Love you and Miss you more then words can ever express Caleb.
As a family we choose to keep trying because We Love You, and do not ever want to let you down.
Love You Buddy Boy, Love Always Your Momma
Saturday, July 25, 2015
It is Enough
Dear Caleb,
Though I am physically present I've had a very difficult time living in it, as I have longed for the past in Nebraska, and dreamed of the future when we are with you again. Living anywhere but here and now, because that pain has been too hard, too much heart ache from day to day.
It will soon be 6 long years without you and that is very tough to swallow... it has been so long- It feels like forever and I still do not like it, not one bit. But something in me has changed recently, call it a chemical, mental, or attitude change but with our family's new move currently going on, it has allowed for me to make and plan more dreams for here and now with our family.
My perspective has been more of the positive, as well as my conversations with others that I have conversed with lately and that is saying something. That is a really big deal for me to be smiling more and able to communicate without expressing so much anger at and towards everyone, just because they did not loose their son. But it is not their fault, so it is unfair to be angry and judgemental towards others because frankly they just don't know, nor will they ever know, so why did I feel like I needed to punish everyone for smiling and laughing?
It still hurts to see other boys your age, thinking that would have been you enjoying life to the fullest, but it is only hurting me in the long run- holding on to such dreams that will never be ours right now. I am my own punching bag that I keep beating at, again and again throughout these many years.
And I strongly feel that it is enough, my grieving the aching, the piercing pain... it has been Enough. And it is time to live in the present. I can not do anything about the past. Constantly trying to live in it did not change the outcome, it will never change or go away... it is what it is. And as difficult as that can be to accept, I have learned that one needs to come to terms with it, in facing it head on with what it is- Accepting and Allowing to continue stronger down the road.
I have decided in helping me to let go of the past, I will be ending my letters to you. I have loved every minute with you Caleb. These letters have been my source of strength and encouragement with sentimental needed moments of being with you. But it is time to be here and now. I will check in with you as time continues and write you a note here and there, but writing each month, it is enough.
And as for longing for Nebraska and constantly trying to live there in my mind, your Daddy and I will be going there soon. We will be going to our accident site, which we call 'Caleb's Corner' to retrieve your cross and flowers. It has been good on my heart to have that there, and have friends go out to be with you and replace flowers from time to time, but it is enough.
It is time to start living again and trying to get back in touch with family life and this move will be a great opportunity for me to start again- my 4th chance to start over. But the difference this time is, I know I can do it. This time I know we are moving to where you physically are not so I need not to try and find you. This time I can let go of anger, despair, my longing to live elsewhere. This time is the right time because like you told me Caleb, "It is going to be okay."
I love you my sweet Buddy Boy. I never knew that I could keep living when my heart has been broken and shredded into pieces. Loosing a child was always my worst fear in life, nothing comes close to it in comparison. But I have finally allowed myself to play a new record and it says, "It is enough because everything is going to be okay."
See you in my Dreams Buddy Boy.
Love You Always, Your Momma
Though I am physically present I've had a very difficult time living in it, as I have longed for the past in Nebraska, and dreamed of the future when we are with you again. Living anywhere but here and now, because that pain has been too hard, too much heart ache from day to day.
It will soon be 6 long years without you and that is very tough to swallow... it has been so long- It feels like forever and I still do not like it, not one bit. But something in me has changed recently, call it a chemical, mental, or attitude change but with our family's new move currently going on, it has allowed for me to make and plan more dreams for here and now with our family.
My perspective has been more of the positive, as well as my conversations with others that I have conversed with lately and that is saying something. That is a really big deal for me to be smiling more and able to communicate without expressing so much anger at and towards everyone, just because they did not loose their son. But it is not their fault, so it is unfair to be angry and judgemental towards others because frankly they just don't know, nor will they ever know, so why did I feel like I needed to punish everyone for smiling and laughing?
It still hurts to see other boys your age, thinking that would have been you enjoying life to the fullest, but it is only hurting me in the long run- holding on to such dreams that will never be ours right now. I am my own punching bag that I keep beating at, again and again throughout these many years.
And I strongly feel that it is enough, my grieving the aching, the piercing pain... it has been Enough. And it is time to live in the present. I can not do anything about the past. Constantly trying to live in it did not change the outcome, it will never change or go away... it is what it is. And as difficult as that can be to accept, I have learned that one needs to come to terms with it, in facing it head on with what it is- Accepting and Allowing to continue stronger down the road.
I have decided in helping me to let go of the past, I will be ending my letters to you. I have loved every minute with you Caleb. These letters have been my source of strength and encouragement with sentimental needed moments of being with you. But it is time to be here and now. I will check in with you as time continues and write you a note here and there, but writing each month, it is enough.
And as for longing for Nebraska and constantly trying to live there in my mind, your Daddy and I will be going there soon. We will be going to our accident site, which we call 'Caleb's Corner' to retrieve your cross and flowers. It has been good on my heart to have that there, and have friends go out to be with you and replace flowers from time to time, but it is enough.
It is time to start living again and trying to get back in touch with family life and this move will be a great opportunity for me to start again- my 4th chance to start over. But the difference this time is, I know I can do it. This time I know we are moving to where you physically are not so I need not to try and find you. This time I can let go of anger, despair, my longing to live elsewhere. This time is the right time because like you told me Caleb, "It is going to be okay."
I love you my sweet Buddy Boy. I never knew that I could keep living when my heart has been broken and shredded into pieces. Loosing a child was always my worst fear in life, nothing comes close to it in comparison. But I have finally allowed myself to play a new record and it says, "It is enough because everything is going to be okay."
See you in my Dreams Buddy Boy.
Love You Always, Your Momma
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Happy 14th Birthday
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