Dear Caleb,
October has been a very trialing month with emotions. Early this month, I received such discomforting news about a family member, resulting the start of sleepless nights and disturbing dreams as I would oft wake up in cold sweats, only getting about 30 mins of sleep at a time. Plagued with situations of our past in feeling grief, I began to feel for this family of the family member. It is not an easy thing to come to understand, which can happen all too quickly, in realizing how delicate life can really be. In attending the memorial services for this family member, I recognized the look of shock, the deep pain of grief, and it brought back so many Raw Emotions which stirred up much within me. Things I thought I had faced and dealt with, but I apparently used temporary band aid situations thinking that they would hold, but I was wrong. Those band aids ripped off so fast exposing all the hurt, pain, anger of unfulfilled expectations and disappointment that has held me prisoner of the past for so many years. It hurts to feel so deeply again and again, but it has a very interesting ability- it gives one the understanding of true empathy that one needs in order to reach out on a deep and more tenderly level. A level that speaks without words. A level that touches without gifts. A level of inner compassion from one heart to another who knows deep grief and heartache.
I came home knowing what I was up against, in facing the need to heal what was resurfaced. But I did not expect it to happen in such a way that would seem like deja vu. I have been ill since I arrived home it wasn't anything big to worry about, but I noticed that it was getting progressively more intense from day to day. Two days ago on a beautiful fall day with a big blue sky, Montey and I were in the car going home from his class. This illness was causing me to feel very light headed with the growing pains becoming more unpleasant. We were driving down the same road that we always drive, all those times I had never noticed a railroad track there before. It was a very sunny day so it looked like their could have been a blinking red light, but I couldn't tell for sure, so we continued to drive. Right as we passed I was curious to know if this was truly a working railroad crossing. I looked to the left and sure enough there was indeed a train coming at a rather fast pace. Surprised and in disbelief at what I just saw, I was in shock. At that very moment Montey echoed the SAME words that YOU said to me a quarter of a mile before the car accident; when the deer jumped out of the corn field and almost hit us. You said, "WOW, I can't wait to tell my sisters what just happened when we get home!" When Montey said those same words, I FROZE! I knew what was next when driving with You, the accident. I did not want to be the cause of repeating such unfavorable circumstances, not on my watch, not ever again!! The whole time driving home I kept telling myself and praying out loud, "Drive Safe. Just Drive Safe. Just get home!" I am sure that I annoyed just about every driver that was out from me being OVERLY careful, but I was not going to take any chances. As I pulled into our driveway I was still stunned at what had just taken place, yet relieved because there was no accident, we were ok, and most importantly Montey was safe. Thinking that was it, we were safe and good, until later that evening... I was driving Liahona and Cumorah home from a lesson. My pains intensified out of the blue, my head was spinning and I was feeling super nauseous. I have had this illness before, which I ended up in the hospital last time, so I knew that we just had to get home because it was going to get even worse. Just a measly 14 miles away from home seemed like a lifetime. Thoughts of this being 'The Second Half' of the car accident all over again kept replaying in my mind. But this time it was two of your sweet sisters that were now in peril because of me. Pulling over oft to let out the upset stomach, trying to keep my head clear and focused to get home... once again I found myself saying and praying out loud, "Please Heavenly Father, Please help me to Drive Safe. Just help us to get home safely!" I could not believe what was happening! Not again! Please not again I kept thinking. To go down from 4 kids to 2... I could NOT carry that, I would FOREVER be ANGRY at myself. Finally we reached home, the pains were so sever that I could barely walk from the car into our home. I didn't have time to even be thankful that your sisters were safe from ME. I collapsed with pain on my bed, trying to wait it out til your father arrived home. It had been over 5 years since I actively asked or even had a desired to receive a priesthood blessing for help. At your baptism, in your blessing, you were promised things that I just assumed would be accomplished and fulfilled in this life, and they weren't. We are physical beings, living a physical life, so when blessings are giving it is easy to assume that the promises will be received in this physical life time and way, but I have learned that is not always the case. So I have chosen not to know, if it couldn't be promised now, I did not want to know. But being in still so much pain when your father arrived, before I could even think about what I was saying, I said, "I think I need a Priesthood blessing." And then even surprising myself more, I followed through with allowing it to happen. The Blessing was given and tears where streaming down my face when I heard these words, "I bless you that your pains will cease and that you will be able to sleep." I instantly was thinking, "NO! Do Not take me now, Please I want to live, Please I want to live. I know that for 5 years I have been awaiting for my time to go, but I know if I am given a little bit more of time I can do better..." After my pleas of what seemed like an endless bargaining prayer, my intense and violent shivering, my heart pounding and heavy breathing almost instantly slowed back to normal.
So much I have learned this month, but especially in better understanding that, 'We do not get to choose and pick our miracles'. We did not get one that we strongly desired and prayed for 5 years ago, but now we got one out of the blue. It is important for us to remember that we are not in control when it comes to miracles. We are Only in Control of Ourselves and in how we deal with them when they are granted or with held.
So Love You Caleb. Love Your Mommy
Friday, October 24, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
Staying Motivated is the Art of Living
Dear Caleb,
I have nothing of great importance to say, but I feel the need that I should still check in with you, to help me to at least stay sane. It is past the 24th and 25th of this month, I oft think that I can get by and carry on without needing to write to you, but I am always wrong. I start to die down and tend to stop functionally as well without spending time with you. Though it is never enough, but I will take what I can get- A small measly letter moment to be with you, to shut out the world and to think about you is a gift. I start off the month with the most vigor that I can muscle, and as the month passes and slowly comes upon the 24th and the 25th I start shutting down and motivation seems to disappear from my grasp. I do not know yet how to stay motivated to keep me moving and functioning appropriately. I suppose that is part of the challenge that I do not want to have to face.
We have moved 3 times since you were with us. At first I yearned for all these moves because I always thought in the new move, in the new place, that is when and where I would be happy... and it never came. I never knew why until now. It is because I was always looking to find you, to find that instant joy, to find that instant healing.... always comparing it to our wonderful Heartland of Nebraska. I often find it a little humorous because when we first moved there in 2007 I wanted nothing to do with the place. And I simply refused to be a Husker Football fan. Now I want nothing else but I be back in our place of joys, to that place that makes me feel of you near by and brings a smile to my face. If we could, I would have us move back in a heart beat, but it isn't meant to be so, and not everyone needs that physical peaceful reminder of your sweet face like I do. I long for Nebraska, to be home, for that is where my heart is, that is where you are alive. And I miss it. I compare every place that we have moved to, to this very high pedestal and nothing has ever come close. I feel bad for all the places that I have put through so much of my emotional constipation: Cavalero, South Lake, Union. I have in 5 years made huge strides since then but, I know it is not enough, and I have yet such a long way to go...
I suppose I should be grateful and celebrate the journey in how far we have come... but I think celebrate what?! How far we have yet to go?? I do not want to do that, in reminding myself of the journey that we have yet ahead of us- the path, the burden, the tireless road that we have yet to walk and face. But if that road gets us closer to you, then I will walk it. I will bare it and carry it so that we will ever be worthy to be with you again. I can not deviate from this path because I could not stand the thought of seeing a disappointed look on your sweet face when we unite with you someday. I am tired, I am weary of soul, I am a mother carrying a broken heart but I am of much Hope. I know that through our weaknesses that we are made strong through Jesus Christ the Son of God. I have felt his goodness that hoists me up when I am low, and carries me when I am feeble. Thank goodness there is a God that is keenly aware of us and knows how to bring us comfort and inner peace of mind and heart.
XOXOXOXO Love You Ever so much Our Caleb! Love Your Forever Mommy XOXOXOXO
I have nothing of great importance to say, but I feel the need that I should still check in with you, to help me to at least stay sane. It is past the 24th and 25th of this month, I oft think that I can get by and carry on without needing to write to you, but I am always wrong. I start to die down and tend to stop functionally as well without spending time with you. Though it is never enough, but I will take what I can get- A small measly letter moment to be with you, to shut out the world and to think about you is a gift. I start off the month with the most vigor that I can muscle, and as the month passes and slowly comes upon the 24th and the 25th I start shutting down and motivation seems to disappear from my grasp. I do not know yet how to stay motivated to keep me moving and functioning appropriately. I suppose that is part of the challenge that I do not want to have to face.
We have moved 3 times since you were with us. At first I yearned for all these moves because I always thought in the new move, in the new place, that is when and where I would be happy... and it never came. I never knew why until now. It is because I was always looking to find you, to find that instant joy, to find that instant healing.... always comparing it to our wonderful Heartland of Nebraska. I often find it a little humorous because when we first moved there in 2007 I wanted nothing to do with the place. And I simply refused to be a Husker Football fan. Now I want nothing else but I be back in our place of joys, to that place that makes me feel of you near by and brings a smile to my face. If we could, I would have us move back in a heart beat, but it isn't meant to be so, and not everyone needs that physical peaceful reminder of your sweet face like I do. I long for Nebraska, to be home, for that is where my heart is, that is where you are alive. And I miss it. I compare every place that we have moved to, to this very high pedestal and nothing has ever come close. I feel bad for all the places that I have put through so much of my emotional constipation: Cavalero, South Lake, Union. I have in 5 years made huge strides since then but, I know it is not enough, and I have yet such a long way to go...
I suppose I should be grateful and celebrate the journey in how far we have come... but I think celebrate what?! How far we have yet to go?? I do not want to do that, in reminding myself of the journey that we have yet ahead of us- the path, the burden, the tireless road that we have yet to walk and face. But if that road gets us closer to you, then I will walk it. I will bare it and carry it so that we will ever be worthy to be with you again. I can not deviate from this path because I could not stand the thought of seeing a disappointed look on your sweet face when we unite with you someday. I am tired, I am weary of soul, I am a mother carrying a broken heart but I am of much Hope. I know that through our weaknesses that we are made strong through Jesus Christ the Son of God. I have felt his goodness that hoists me up when I am low, and carries me when I am feeble. Thank goodness there is a God that is keenly aware of us and knows how to bring us comfort and inner peace of mind and heart.
XOXOXOXO Love You Ever so much Our Caleb! Love Your Forever Mommy XOXOXOXO
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Inheritance of Hope
Dear Caleb,
My last letter was just an emotional outburst, which I greatly needed to release in helping to clear my mind and ease my aching heart. I have to do that from time to time, especially when it is around very difficult days that cause me to Reflect and Remember so much of the past.
I am thankful for such kind friends in their encouraging words of support, helping me to push and pull through the thickness of it all. Am I a complete and utter failure from all that has transpired these past 5 years? No, I know that I am not. But I do know that there are obvious things that I can do better, and yet there are things that have already happened that I can not change. With those certain things I am trying to be at peace, for what is done is done, and have the courage to admit that I am not perfect and continue to move forward. I am not the best example of courage and faithfully fulfilling the duties and responsibilities that are given or more entrusted to me. I think about when your siblings are older and looking back at these hard times for our family, will they feel that I have given them a example of hope when things are hard from them, or will I just have caused more disturbances on their heart and mind to deal with later?? Gosh I truly hope that I can change and do better, in helping them to be successful here and now. For that is where we are, so that is truly where my focus and heart needs to be, to be here for them because I can.
There was something pretty profound that Elder Eyring in the 1st Presidency of the church of Jesus Christ said, "You choose to leave an Inheritance of Hope to those who might follow your example."
Those that come to my mind immediately when I think of an Inheritance of Hope are the Mormon Pioneers. They did not "have" to face hunger, fatigue, or even death as they crossed the plains, but they yielded to such unfavorable circumstances to receive the promise of Zion. Where they could have religious freedom and a place to worship their Lord their God, in they way they were guided and directed.
Also I think of Our Savior, Jesus Christ as he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. There he prayed to God asking for the bitter cup to be removed from him, that he would not have to drink it. But then He yielded to such unfavorable circumstances drank the cup, therefore giving mankind HOPE in this world and in the next.
I know what I need to do, but it is not easy. Elder Eyring also said, "Our duties and responsibilities must sometimes be difficult because their purpose is to move us along the path to our eternal home." If this is my goal, and our family's goal, then it is time to put on my courage face on and strive to be that example of Hope that I want to be, and choose to continue to follow the footsteps of my utmost favorite example of Inheritance of Hope.
"... Because Adam and Eve did fall, we have temptations, trials, and death as our universal inheritance. However, our loving Heavenly Father gave us the gift of His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, as our Savior. That great gift and blessing of the Atonement of Jesus Christ brings a universal inheritance: the promise of the Resurrection and the possibility of eternal life to all who are born."
I am thankful for the greatest of all blessings of God- Eternal Life. I know that this promise will be ours, I just hope that in the mean time as I am waiting for these glorious promises to be fulfilled that my face of courage can stay constant and permanent and not easily be removed... but I am working on that, I guess that is why I am still here.
How we LOVE you Caleb! Keep pulling for us, how we need you, oh how we always need you! Love Love and More Love For You. Love Your Mommy
My last letter was just an emotional outburst, which I greatly needed to release in helping to clear my mind and ease my aching heart. I have to do that from time to time, especially when it is around very difficult days that cause me to Reflect and Remember so much of the past.
I am thankful for such kind friends in their encouraging words of support, helping me to push and pull through the thickness of it all. Am I a complete and utter failure from all that has transpired these past 5 years? No, I know that I am not. But I do know that there are obvious things that I can do better, and yet there are things that have already happened that I can not change. With those certain things I am trying to be at peace, for what is done is done, and have the courage to admit that I am not perfect and continue to move forward. I am not the best example of courage and faithfully fulfilling the duties and responsibilities that are given or more entrusted to me. I think about when your siblings are older and looking back at these hard times for our family, will they feel that I have given them a example of hope when things are hard from them, or will I just have caused more disturbances on their heart and mind to deal with later?? Gosh I truly hope that I can change and do better, in helping them to be successful here and now. For that is where we are, so that is truly where my focus and heart needs to be, to be here for them because I can.
There was something pretty profound that Elder Eyring in the 1st Presidency of the church of Jesus Christ said, "You choose to leave an Inheritance of Hope to those who might follow your example."
Those that come to my mind immediately when I think of an Inheritance of Hope are the Mormon Pioneers. They did not "have" to face hunger, fatigue, or even death as they crossed the plains, but they yielded to such unfavorable circumstances to receive the promise of Zion. Where they could have religious freedom and a place to worship their Lord their God, in they way they were guided and directed.
Also I think of Our Savior, Jesus Christ as he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. There he prayed to God asking for the bitter cup to be removed from him, that he would not have to drink it. But then He yielded to such unfavorable circumstances drank the cup, therefore giving mankind HOPE in this world and in the next.
I know what I need to do, but it is not easy. Elder Eyring also said, "Our duties and responsibilities must sometimes be difficult because their purpose is to move us along the path to our eternal home." If this is my goal, and our family's goal, then it is time to put on my courage face on and strive to be that example of Hope that I want to be, and choose to continue to follow the footsteps of my utmost favorite example of Inheritance of Hope.
"... Because Adam and Eve did fall, we have temptations, trials, and death as our universal inheritance. However, our loving Heavenly Father gave us the gift of His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, as our Savior. That great gift and blessing of the Atonement of Jesus Christ brings a universal inheritance: the promise of the Resurrection and the possibility of eternal life to all who are born."
I am thankful for the greatest of all blessings of God- Eternal Life. I know that this promise will be ours, I just hope that in the mean time as I am waiting for these glorious promises to be fulfilled that my face of courage can stay constant and permanent and not easily be removed... but I am working on that, I guess that is why I am still here.
How we LOVE you Caleb! Keep pulling for us, how we need you, oh how we always need you! Love Love and More Love For You. Love Your Mommy
Friday, September 5, 2014
Reflecting is all that I have Left of You
Dear Caleb,
So Your Angel Day has come and passed, it amazes me that this marks 5 years on your mission. It pains me that I don't get to send you packages or receive letters to hear how you are doing... it breaks my heart to only have to guess what you are doing and how you are doing. I would like to think that you are enjoying your mission, and that you are bringing much happiness into the hearts of those that you are teaching of Christ in Paradise. I know that the feelings and emotions we leave this world with, stay with us as we return to our eternal home.
So I suppose it is natural for a mom to still feel worried about her child when they are physically away from our care. All your anxieties I hope are doing better if not completely gone? And I wonder how much of our family struggling has had an effect on you serving. Are you smiling and laughing or has our struggles hindered your abilities as you see us ache, hurt and cry because our hearts long to be with you again? I am sorry if I have caused you to have lack of joy in paradise, because of my grief and our grief to carry on without you. It is so much harder then I ever could have imagined. I have hurt so many relationships with friends and family due to my struggling to keep living. I haven't been a very good mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend these past 5 years, and I have lost some very special friendships along the way. Failure Failure Failure is all that I continue to see in and of myself. Struggling has become the very essence of what I am. I have to keep asking myself is this where I really want to stay?? Will this road really make me, us, our family happy?? Though it has been 5 years, the events, the pain, it is still fresh to me and my heart- for it feels like just yesterday. It is only when I notice your siblings growing older and getting bigger that I am reminded that it has been a tad bit longer then just yesterday. There are so many others that have such fresher wounds and hurts then I, then we. And I know it is time to focus more on helping to comfort others in their grief and pain, then on our own. I have to remind myself that by choosing to do this, that it doesn't mean I am choosing to give up on you or our family- I am hoping that it will do the opposite and help our family as we help others at the same time.
I profoundly miss your ever precious spirit, of love and life. So much energy, so much light you illuminated and circulated about you- touching the lives of so many, and still doing so today. Reflecting, Reflecting, Reflecting is all that I have left with you and of you at this time. I know that we will be given more someday, I just pray that it is sooner more than later.
Love You My Caleb, Love Your Mommy
So Your Angel Day has come and passed, it amazes me that this marks 5 years on your mission. It pains me that I don't get to send you packages or receive letters to hear how you are doing... it breaks my heart to only have to guess what you are doing and how you are doing. I would like to think that you are enjoying your mission, and that you are bringing much happiness into the hearts of those that you are teaching of Christ in Paradise. I know that the feelings and emotions we leave this world with, stay with us as we return to our eternal home.
So I suppose it is natural for a mom to still feel worried about her child when they are physically away from our care. All your anxieties I hope are doing better if not completely gone? And I wonder how much of our family struggling has had an effect on you serving. Are you smiling and laughing or has our struggles hindered your abilities as you see us ache, hurt and cry because our hearts long to be with you again? I am sorry if I have caused you to have lack of joy in paradise, because of my grief and our grief to carry on without you. It is so much harder then I ever could have imagined. I have hurt so many relationships with friends and family due to my struggling to keep living. I haven't been a very good mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend these past 5 years, and I have lost some very special friendships along the way. Failure Failure Failure is all that I continue to see in and of myself. Struggling has become the very essence of what I am. I have to keep asking myself is this where I really want to stay?? Will this road really make me, us, our family happy?? Though it has been 5 years, the events, the pain, it is still fresh to me and my heart- for it feels like just yesterday. It is only when I notice your siblings growing older and getting bigger that I am reminded that it has been a tad bit longer then just yesterday. There are so many others that have such fresher wounds and hurts then I, then we. And I know it is time to focus more on helping to comfort others in their grief and pain, then on our own. I have to remind myself that by choosing to do this, that it doesn't mean I am choosing to give up on you or our family- I am hoping that it will do the opposite and help our family as we help others at the same time.
I profoundly miss your ever precious spirit, of love and life. So much energy, so much light you illuminated and circulated about you- touching the lives of so many, and still doing so today. Reflecting, Reflecting, Reflecting is all that I have left with you and of you at this time. I know that we will be given more someday, I just pray that it is sooner more than later.
Love You My Caleb, Love Your Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
