Dear Caleb,
The only way that I can live from day to day is by living "IN" Easter- meaning, making everyday Easter in my heart. Easter isn't just some nice annual holiday that we celebrate from year to year, but it is REAL and of MUCH worth! Easter and Spring General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints always comes at the time when I am needing it the most. Just in time to buoy me up and prepare my heart for the ringer of Spring birthdays and dates that have been hard in the past.
Patience is something that I am not very good at. And with the promises from God about Easter time, it is hard for me to wait and see with my own eyes the fulfillment of these things. The words patience and endure to the end places a sick feeling in my stomach. I know that timing is always in the Lord's hands, but we too have a job to do, and work to accomplish in the mean time. We cannot just sit around waiting and dreaming above, that is counter productive. But oh how much easier that way is, but a way of not much fulfilment. I know that we are still required to keep moving and caring for the needs of our family here and now. So the real hard work really begins.
Getting out of bed isn't the hardest thing of the day anymore. Figuring out how to survive the roller coaster of emotions isn't a huge hinderment on our family and my marriage life anymore. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever come to stand where I am today... Saying that I have survived living my worst nightmare and I am still standing. Never did I think that it would ever be possible to come out on top, and feel like I could talk without the waterfall of tears being its companion . If you asked me if I ever thought it would be possible to be happy again, I would have answered you straight forward with, "NO WAY, there is no way!"
Only as of February could real smiles finally be seen and laughter to be found coming from me, the once overly depressed, broken hearted, aching, grieving Tanya. Guilt and Anger are the counter-productive components of this new heart that can finally sing the song of Redeeming Love, which tries to break the smile and laughter from time to time. If my heart, my eyes, my focus gets even the slightest bit away from living "IN" Easter, a zing of an panic attack tries to invade and destroy my inner peace.
We have come so far, we have struggled so much, we have felt so deeply, that we know that we are on the right path, and we can not stop now. Moments still come with thoughts that say, "You have done enough, stop, you do not have to finish." But I know those are not the thoughts of God, for we have done a lot, but it is not finish until we meet again. Then, and only then will this great and difficult work that we have been asked to do will be complete.
So until then... We will just keep living "IN" Easter. Love you Caleb.
Love Your Mommy
Friday, April 25, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
"darkness is past and the true light now shineth"
Dear Caleb,
This Spring Time is moving like a wave of green a little bit more each day. I have forgotten how much I love to hear the birds singing, cooing, and chirping about. Spring is Life, Spring is Growth, Spring is Change- all which signifies exactly where I am right now, and I find solace in that. Especially with the incident that happened on the 15th of this month.
We were eating out at the Olive Garden, trying to spend some nice quality family time, when our little Cumorah started choking. As a child I had developed a HUGE fear of choking, which I carried into my marriage as a newly mother with little children. I would cut up your food into tinee tiny bits, until you where 3 years old, including your other siblings as well. Many people thought I was a little "off" and laugh at what I was doing, but I just preferred to prevent anything from happening when it came to choking. There is still a rule in the home that no one is allowed to choke.
Fear and Panic sunk in when I saw our sweet little baby in such peril. Your father acted immediately and attempted several times trying to help clear her air flow, as her skin color grew paler and paler. Everything seemed to be in slow motion again, and sounds began to fade. It was in that moment where I had recognized that I had been there before... it was in the ambulance after the car accident on my way to be with you at the hospital, where I was told that it is going to be alright. As I watched your father attempt at what would be the last chance, before Cumorah limped unconscious, I felt very strongly again that it was going to be alright. Whether it would be your Father to rescue her, or you Caleb, I knew that it was going to be alright, and that she would soon be out of pain, and free from her discomfort.
In James 4: 13-15 I read, "Go to now ye that say, Today or Tomorrow we will go into such a city and continue there a year and buy and sell and get gain. Whereas ye know not what shall be on the marrow, For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appeareth for a little, and then vanisheth away, For that ye ought to say, 'If the Lord will, we shall live and do this or that'." In that moment I thought perhaps Cumorah fulfilled what she was told to do- to bring us joy and happiness again in our family. To teach us how to laugh, how to smile, how to just enjoy being together again, and that it is ok to make new memories. I thought perhaps she too was only ours for but a vapor that appeareth for a little and then vanisheth away.
But then your father dislodged the contents to allow a passage for air flow to begin again. As our dinner sat in front of us getting cold, our whole family sat in silence still in shock of what just took place. As I held our baby girl ever so limp, and still struggling to develop a breathing rhythm again with so pale of skin color- I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I could feel her heart beating and feel her warmth against mine. My thoughts and emotions encompassed me as I prayed many prayers of gratitude, and was no longer interested in eating my dinner that lay before me.
Perhaps this was another test to see how I would handle letting go of another child, Perhaps it was a test on a grief stricken mother's heart, Perhaps.... But whatever the reason, we got to go home TOGETHER. Something that we didn't get to do with you, and I count this a HUGE blessing. Going home without your child is a very bitter terrible gut wrenching feeling. But we were spared from reliving the past at this time. And I got to kiss her goodnight instead of goodbye. How horribly difficult our last moments were with you in the hospital, so much ache. But we were spared from reliving the past at this time. We counted this whole evening a joyous one on our hearts. So grateful that Our Loving Heavenly Father was mindful of what we needed in the very moment that we needed it.
"Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you; because the darkness is past and the true light now shineth." 1John 2:8 That darkness from grief and sorrow has past and the light, the love, and peace has replaced it. We know that we can continue in moving forward because of that light which has been evident in our lives and keeps shining.
We Love You Caleb, Thank you for always being on standby. How VERY Much We LOVE You!
Love Your Mommy
This Spring Time is moving like a wave of green a little bit more each day. I have forgotten how much I love to hear the birds singing, cooing, and chirping about. Spring is Life, Spring is Growth, Spring is Change- all which signifies exactly where I am right now, and I find solace in that. Especially with the incident that happened on the 15th of this month.
We were eating out at the Olive Garden, trying to spend some nice quality family time, when our little Cumorah started choking. As a child I had developed a HUGE fear of choking, which I carried into my marriage as a newly mother with little children. I would cut up your food into tinee tiny bits, until you where 3 years old, including your other siblings as well. Many people thought I was a little "off" and laugh at what I was doing, but I just preferred to prevent anything from happening when it came to choking. There is still a rule in the home that no one is allowed to choke.
Fear and Panic sunk in when I saw our sweet little baby in such peril. Your father acted immediately and attempted several times trying to help clear her air flow, as her skin color grew paler and paler. Everything seemed to be in slow motion again, and sounds began to fade. It was in that moment where I had recognized that I had been there before... it was in the ambulance after the car accident on my way to be with you at the hospital, where I was told that it is going to be alright. As I watched your father attempt at what would be the last chance, before Cumorah limped unconscious, I felt very strongly again that it was going to be alright. Whether it would be your Father to rescue her, or you Caleb, I knew that it was going to be alright, and that she would soon be out of pain, and free from her discomfort.
In James 4: 13-15 I read, "Go to now ye that say, Today or Tomorrow we will go into such a city and continue there a year and buy and sell and get gain. Whereas ye know not what shall be on the marrow, For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appeareth for a little, and then vanisheth away, For that ye ought to say, 'If the Lord will, we shall live and do this or that'." In that moment I thought perhaps Cumorah fulfilled what she was told to do- to bring us joy and happiness again in our family. To teach us how to laugh, how to smile, how to just enjoy being together again, and that it is ok to make new memories. I thought perhaps she too was only ours for but a vapor that appeareth for a little and then vanisheth away.
But then your father dislodged the contents to allow a passage for air flow to begin again. As our dinner sat in front of us getting cold, our whole family sat in silence still in shock of what just took place. As I held our baby girl ever so limp, and still struggling to develop a breathing rhythm again with so pale of skin color- I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I could feel her heart beating and feel her warmth against mine. My thoughts and emotions encompassed me as I prayed many prayers of gratitude, and was no longer interested in eating my dinner that lay before me.
Perhaps this was another test to see how I would handle letting go of another child, Perhaps it was a test on a grief stricken mother's heart, Perhaps.... But whatever the reason, we got to go home TOGETHER. Something that we didn't get to do with you, and I count this a HUGE blessing. Going home without your child is a very bitter terrible gut wrenching feeling. But we were spared from reliving the past at this time. And I got to kiss her goodnight instead of goodbye. How horribly difficult our last moments were with you in the hospital, so much ache. But we were spared from reliving the past at this time. We counted this whole evening a joyous one on our hearts. So grateful that Our Loving Heavenly Father was mindful of what we needed in the very moment that we needed it.
"Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you; because the darkness is past and the true light now shineth." 1John 2:8 That darkness from grief and sorrow has past and the light, the love, and peace has replaced it. We know that we can continue in moving forward because of that light which has been evident in our lives and keeps shining.
We Love You Caleb, Thank you for always being on standby. How VERY Much We LOVE You!
Love Your Mommy
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Smile and Stand
Dear Caleb,
Well with much emotion, I am writing you today Caleb, to tell you that I made it past my last and biggest pit of depression. You know you are on to something, when opposition comes in the whirl winds of heaviness and dark clouds from within that are thick- where you can almost feel yourself being choked and sinking deeper and deeper. Well that is what it has been within myself, trying to fight off the consuming enemy since the holidays starting with my birthday in October. Was there any way out? Where was that light and further hope that I knew that would come. So ready to give in and just accept where I, where we, were at. Fighting off the enemy has been a long battle for 4 1/2 years. A battle of going to Hell and back. Yet there has been moments of so much immense JOY, things that we couldn't have, nor would have experienced had it not been for this journey that we have been given to walk.
Ache to Joy, Sorrow to Peace, Bitter to so much Sweetness!!!
Caleb, sweet Caleb. Our spring came. This has been the year of overcoming our fears. My favorite place in the world had become one of those fears. It was so emotionally difficult to be there, or even to talk about that place. A place that once brought so much joy, had become a place that I tried to avoid, to push off emotions that I just wanted to bury, and call quits. But my longings to go back kept my mind thinking about it from time to time. Two weeks ago I attempted to go again. But it was exactly what I thought would happen... I couldn't do it, it was too hard emotionally on my body and mind.
I know that Christ came to truly save us from OURSELVES! "He is a mediator of a better covenant, which was established upon better promises. For if that first covenant had been flawless then should no place have been sought for the second." (Hebrews 8:6-7) This world, we as humans, are so incredibly flawed. And our Heavenly God Above knew that we would be so from the beginning. Which is why the second was sought for. Giving us a second chance to redeem ourselves and to be perfected through the saving grace of the Savior. Allowing his atoning sacrifice to truly sink deep into our hearts and mind, surrendering all to the will of God. For it is his plan and it is his way that he has given for us to walk, so truly it is only through him that it can be done.
Last week, I went back to my favorite place in the world. This time I prayed a different prayer. As I prayed I let my expectations go- Praying that A Loving God above would help me, by granting me strength to return to this place. I prayed that I would be blessed with inner peace to stop this inner battle within myself. That i could feel surrounded by his love, to be reminded that I am loved. To see myself in his eyes until I can learn to love myself again. With nerves high, emotions flowing without a sign of stopping, body shaking, heart pounding... even with all of that Peace filled my pounding heart, incredible light filled the room and I knew that it was where I needed to be to receive further light and understanding.
I have personally come to a better understanding about faith. It can be easier to say that you believe in God and in Jesus Christ, especially when you are given those miracles that are prayed for, in the very moment that they are said. But what about those prayers that do not get answered the way that you pray for?? Does that mean you are not loved by God? Does that you mean you are not important to him? Does that mean that your do not have faith? These are the questions that I had been battling with. And the answer is- You are so loved, You are so important. Your faith is enough. And because a Loving Father in Heaven is truly aware of us individually, that he tells us, "It is going to be Okay!" Not that things are alright, but that things are going to be okay. And God does not lie. What he says, is what he promises, and he always keeps his promises. I believe that with all my heart. I know that things are always going to be tender here in this life without you Caleb being with us, but it is going to be okay. And it is time for me to take a Stand and be the leader that I have been called to be- one knowing much grief and sorrow. And it is time for me to smile the joys of sorrow, grief, pain, and yes death. I am going to suck the bad feelings out if these words, for they really mean LIFE! Life to live again with our father. Life that comes through and from our Savior Jesus Christ. I have seen the sign of spring, and I have gained an appreciation of the gift that we have been given to walk.
Oh Caleb, how I continue to be so Proud of you. Thank You for Staying close by.
You are So Loved!
Love Always, Your Momma
Well with much emotion, I am writing you today Caleb, to tell you that I made it past my last and biggest pit of depression. You know you are on to something, when opposition comes in the whirl winds of heaviness and dark clouds from within that are thick- where you can almost feel yourself being choked and sinking deeper and deeper. Well that is what it has been within myself, trying to fight off the consuming enemy since the holidays starting with my birthday in October. Was there any way out? Where was that light and further hope that I knew that would come. So ready to give in and just accept where I, where we, were at. Fighting off the enemy has been a long battle for 4 1/2 years. A battle of going to Hell and back. Yet there has been moments of so much immense JOY, things that we couldn't have, nor would have experienced had it not been for this journey that we have been given to walk.
Ache to Joy, Sorrow to Peace, Bitter to so much Sweetness!!!
Caleb, sweet Caleb. Our spring came. This has been the year of overcoming our fears. My favorite place in the world had become one of those fears. It was so emotionally difficult to be there, or even to talk about that place. A place that once brought so much joy, had become a place that I tried to avoid, to push off emotions that I just wanted to bury, and call quits. But my longings to go back kept my mind thinking about it from time to time. Two weeks ago I attempted to go again. But it was exactly what I thought would happen... I couldn't do it, it was too hard emotionally on my body and mind.
I know that Christ came to truly save us from OURSELVES! "He is a mediator of a better covenant, which was established upon better promises. For if that first covenant had been flawless then should no place have been sought for the second." (Hebrews 8:6-7) This world, we as humans, are so incredibly flawed. And our Heavenly God Above knew that we would be so from the beginning. Which is why the second was sought for. Giving us a second chance to redeem ourselves and to be perfected through the saving grace of the Savior. Allowing his atoning sacrifice to truly sink deep into our hearts and mind, surrendering all to the will of God. For it is his plan and it is his way that he has given for us to walk, so truly it is only through him that it can be done.
Last week, I went back to my favorite place in the world. This time I prayed a different prayer. As I prayed I let my expectations go- Praying that A Loving God above would help me, by granting me strength to return to this place. I prayed that I would be blessed with inner peace to stop this inner battle within myself. That i could feel surrounded by his love, to be reminded that I am loved. To see myself in his eyes until I can learn to love myself again. With nerves high, emotions flowing without a sign of stopping, body shaking, heart pounding... even with all of that Peace filled my pounding heart, incredible light filled the room and I knew that it was where I needed to be to receive further light and understanding.
I have personally come to a better understanding about faith. It can be easier to say that you believe in God and in Jesus Christ, especially when you are given those miracles that are prayed for, in the very moment that they are said. But what about those prayers that do not get answered the way that you pray for?? Does that mean you are not loved by God? Does that you mean you are not important to him? Does that mean that your do not have faith? These are the questions that I had been battling with. And the answer is- You are so loved, You are so important. Your faith is enough. And because a Loving Father in Heaven is truly aware of us individually, that he tells us, "It is going to be Okay!" Not that things are alright, but that things are going to be okay. And God does not lie. What he says, is what he promises, and he always keeps his promises. I believe that with all my heart. I know that things are always going to be tender here in this life without you Caleb being with us, but it is going to be okay. And it is time for me to take a Stand and be the leader that I have been called to be- one knowing much grief and sorrow. And it is time for me to smile the joys of sorrow, grief, pain, and yes death. I am going to suck the bad feelings out if these words, for they really mean LIFE! Life to live again with our father. Life that comes through and from our Savior Jesus Christ. I have seen the sign of spring, and I have gained an appreciation of the gift that we have been given to walk.
Oh Caleb, how I continue to be so Proud of you. Thank You for Staying close by.
You are So Loved!
Love Always, Your Momma
Friday, January 24, 2014
Journeying of Enduring
Dear Caleb,
My body can always sense that it is time to visit with you. Here we are on the 24th again, and life has been full of trickling emotions since the rippling effects from the ringer of holidays.
To sort out the emotions into words is a very hard thing to do. Mainly because words can never go deep enough to explain 'the how' of the tender feelings of the heart. But i know that you will always understand my babblings, so here it goes...
So much of the whirl wind continues to blow, though I try so hard to remind myself to stay in the eye of each storm- where it is clam, where you can stay in one place and not get knocked down continuously. It is so hard to pick myself up each time one occurs. Trying to smile through the gusts of emotions and reminding myself to be happy, be happy- it is not as easy as one would think. I know it is a choice to be happy, but I have learned that it is not like a light switch that one can suddenly switch on and immediately "be happy." But telling myself to be happy, get happy, become happy... well the funny thing is that it is not making me happy. The phrase, 'fake it til you make it', has been my hope in someday truly being able to naturally be happy again. I know it is possible, I can feel moments of it coming into our lives again, some more then others, but it is there and it is coming.
I am reminded of this one time with the Mormon Pioneer Saints, when it looked like there was no sign of hope, no sign of miracles to bring forth the happiness of Zion that they were looking for. It was in December of 1838, The Prophet Joseph Smith, with a few others were prisoners in Liberty Jail in Missouri. This jail had no heat. They were kept in the basement with little light and little food to eat. The floor was filthy, and the ceiling was incredibly low that prevented them to have the ability to stand up straight. And on top of that, the Saint had been driven from their homes from the extermination order from the Governor, Lilburn W. Boggs.
Where were the little miracles to keep their smiles on their faces? Where were the ray of lights that showed the way? This is exactly what the Prophet asked God. He said, "O, God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" They were held prisoners for 4 long, cold, miserable months. I know the blessings that are promised to those whom continue to put their faith in God, and allow the love of Jesus Christ to carry us down the paths that we have been trusted to walk. Four years has been our long walk of, "O, God, where art thou?" I know the joy that will come, and will be ours someday, but what about the NOW? I, We need the miracles, the hopes, the small ray of sunlight NOW- that can help us put a smile on our faces NOW!
This is the answer that God gave the prophet during those difficult months, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." I know that the challenges we are given during our lives are to bring us to Christ; to soften our hearts and allow us to change for the better when before we could not because we did not have room for growth. The word Endure makes me cringe, give me any other commandment, and I can do it. Tell me to endure, and well my body screams, "How long?" But I am reminded that the greatest person who endured things and did it so perfectly well, was Jesus Christ- he is the greatest example of Endurance in this life.
Though I may not feel that I have the stamina to 'Endure' especially when my body screams, "Slow Down!"- I know that it is crucial to keep moving forward. I want us to be worthy of obtaining our family goal- to be together again. And I know that just as the Saints received Divine help after a long testing period of 4 hard months, we too will receive Divine help after a long testing period of 4 hard years. I came across something the other day that struck my heart with so much truth, and has given me a push to keep up the journeying of enduring, it was: "What we get during our life is inconsequential, but what we become in life makes all the difference." I know that this is where the 'REAL' happiness finds us, it isn't in things we find outside of the walls of our home, it is ALL within.
We LOVE you our Caleb Boy.
This Endurance thing is aging my body, but I am slowing... very slowly getting it, bit by bit.
Love Always, Your Mommy
My body can always sense that it is time to visit with you. Here we are on the 24th again, and life has been full of trickling emotions since the rippling effects from the ringer of holidays.
To sort out the emotions into words is a very hard thing to do. Mainly because words can never go deep enough to explain 'the how' of the tender feelings of the heart. But i know that you will always understand my babblings, so here it goes...
So much of the whirl wind continues to blow, though I try so hard to remind myself to stay in the eye of each storm- where it is clam, where you can stay in one place and not get knocked down continuously. It is so hard to pick myself up each time one occurs. Trying to smile through the gusts of emotions and reminding myself to be happy, be happy- it is not as easy as one would think. I know it is a choice to be happy, but I have learned that it is not like a light switch that one can suddenly switch on and immediately "be happy." But telling myself to be happy, get happy, become happy... well the funny thing is that it is not making me happy. The phrase, 'fake it til you make it', has been my hope in someday truly being able to naturally be happy again. I know it is possible, I can feel moments of it coming into our lives again, some more then others, but it is there and it is coming.
I am reminded of this one time with the Mormon Pioneer Saints, when it looked like there was no sign of hope, no sign of miracles to bring forth the happiness of Zion that they were looking for. It was in December of 1838, The Prophet Joseph Smith, with a few others were prisoners in Liberty Jail in Missouri. This jail had no heat. They were kept in the basement with little light and little food to eat. The floor was filthy, and the ceiling was incredibly low that prevented them to have the ability to stand up straight. And on top of that, the Saint had been driven from their homes from the extermination order from the Governor, Lilburn W. Boggs.
Where were the little miracles to keep their smiles on their faces? Where were the ray of lights that showed the way? This is exactly what the Prophet asked God. He said, "O, God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" They were held prisoners for 4 long, cold, miserable months. I know the blessings that are promised to those whom continue to put their faith in God, and allow the love of Jesus Christ to carry us down the paths that we have been trusted to walk. Four years has been our long walk of, "O, God, where art thou?" I know the joy that will come, and will be ours someday, but what about the NOW? I, We need the miracles, the hopes, the small ray of sunlight NOW- that can help us put a smile on our faces NOW!
This is the answer that God gave the prophet during those difficult months, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." I know that the challenges we are given during our lives are to bring us to Christ; to soften our hearts and allow us to change for the better when before we could not because we did not have room for growth. The word Endure makes me cringe, give me any other commandment, and I can do it. Tell me to endure, and well my body screams, "How long?" But I am reminded that the greatest person who endured things and did it so perfectly well, was Jesus Christ- he is the greatest example of Endurance in this life.
Though I may not feel that I have the stamina to 'Endure' especially when my body screams, "Slow Down!"- I know that it is crucial to keep moving forward. I want us to be worthy of obtaining our family goal- to be together again. And I know that just as the Saints received Divine help after a long testing period of 4 hard months, we too will receive Divine help after a long testing period of 4 hard years. I came across something the other day that struck my heart with so much truth, and has given me a push to keep up the journeying of enduring, it was: "What we get during our life is inconsequential, but what we become in life makes all the difference." I know that this is where the 'REAL' happiness finds us, it isn't in things we find outside of the walls of our home, it is ALL within.
We LOVE you our Caleb Boy.
This Endurance thing is aging my body, but I am slowing... very slowly getting it, bit by bit.
Love Always, Your Mommy
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