Deep Gratitude

Dear Caleb, We are approaching "that" time, and my body knows it. To relieve the memories from our accident causes my inner core to shutter in utter uneasiness. Today Montey said, "Mom how did Caleb die?" Gosh he was so young, and it pains my heart to have to explain to him what an amazing brother you were, that you are... I said, "Well, Montey, Caleb and I were driving to a store and a car hit us. But he is not dead, just like Jesus, they are resurrected and are alive again. We just can't see them right now, but we will see them soon." Montey answered with a sigh, "Well, why can't we see them, and when will we see them?" Caleb, how I wish I had the answers to tell him when we would see you again. My heart hurts at this time, and that aching pain will always linger, but it is different this year. If there is one word that just makes me cringe, it is the word "dead". I do not believe in it. I strongly dislike people using it, especially around me. It think many people do not really know what they are talking about when they say that word or use it. The blessing that we are all granted after this life is amazing. The knowledge that we take with us from this life, and added upon the knowledge we knew before we came to earth, and then the knowledge we learn after this life... simply amazing! So who is the "dead" one really? It would be us, who are here living in mortality; we only know the "now". Our perspective and understanding is far less superior then our loved ones that are watching over us. So are you "dead" NEVER! And I laugh at everyone that says so. Your site is empty, and THANK GOODNESS for that, and can I say a Hallelujah too! My heart sings knowing that you are alive and well- more alive then us, and it helps heal that sting that I feel with you away from us. Next week we are meeting you in the temple, and I am so beyond excited! I cannot wait to feel you near, it has been so long. Trying to find ways to stay positive and focus on the eternal perspective can be so difficult and draining at times- but it has always been worth the battle. The added strength to be content and the ability to see and feel with peace, is the blessings that I continue to yearn to seek after- these are my life lines of survival. Without these blessings everyday, I would sink beneath the heavy weight of sorrow and grief. What a gift it is to know, and feel. And even a bigger gift to recognize others in such away and reach out with loving hands to serve. If there are times when I am in deep grief, I can always count on helping others to pull me up. It is a beautiful time to heal each others broken hearts, with mourning with those that mourn, and bringing comfort to those that need comfort. The relationships that form at such times are eternal. They are friendships that are the most deep, and loving of all. The most treasured gifts that one could ever wish to obtain in this life. Such jewels are rare in this life, but when you find them, you are rich beyond what words could ever describe, by being filled with a joy that one cannot explain. Deep Gratitude is what I have been filled with this past month. In Nebraska was our greatest sorrow, and yet God placed such a perfect large group of Nebraska Family to support us with such difficulties. In Lake Stevens was our greatest grief healing process, and yet God placed us again with such a perfect large group of Lake Stevens Family to support us with all our emotional roller coasters

. And now we are on our journey to our New Nebraska for a fresh start. We took our first new family photo before we left. We are ready to face the rest of this journey, to see what is held for us, as we stand by and serve with you. Proud is what will always come to our minds and hearts about you accepting your calling to serve. We are so proud, so touched by your example. How we love you beyond all words. So Proud we are. Much Love Always. Love Your Momma.

A Glimpse of "REAL" Joy

Dear Caleb, So many ups and downs has been our path these past many years: Times that I could barely smile, times that I finally started laughing again, times when my heart hurt that I could barely breathe, times I would catch myself humming while I ate.... -enough to make one go crazy. And who has been by my side this whole time, when he could have thrown down the towel and headed for some place better?? Your Earthly Father. Caleb, Your Father is my Hero. He is more then amazing when it comes to his patience, and unconditional love for me- a wife who is for the most part "off her rocker." How did I ever get so lucky? How did I ever get so blessed? To have your Father by my side is more than I ever could ask for- to help me along this healing game. Because that's what I feel like it is, A Game. One where you are trying to come out alive, and by doing so you get bonus points to advance to the next level. And that is where we want to be, with you, at the next level. Trying to "stay alive" has been more than tricky. At times it almost just seems impossible, but then we are touched by glimmers of "REAL" hope, which fills our hearts with "REAL" Joy. This is what has happened again just recently, the biggest of them all so far! It has been approved for us to send you our support package of love, to help you serve your mission on a whole new level. Yesterday I went to the Family HIstory Center to do your work. And it's done, it's official!! We have received the Family Ordinance Request Sheet. So now we can take your name to the temple. We are planning to meet you there, at the Temple, on your Father's Birthday. It's a gift that your Father can give to you, and a gift that you can give to your Father for his birthday. Having your funeral on his birthday has been nothing but uneasy on our hearts. This day is soon to change for the better, in placing REAL Joy in all our hearts. We are so excited that there are no words to express our tender feelings. TO feel like we can finally do something for you, in connecting us closer together, in serving with you on your mission... takes the broken heart of a mother and replaces it with another. As we have this Glimpse of the "REAL" Joy that we are longing and awaiting for to stay and forever be ours, we will use these opportunities to help keep us focused- on our one and only goal, to be together again. See you real soon. Love you Caleb. :)LOVE YOUR MOMMY

Happy 12th Birthday

Dear Caleb, As of yesterday you are 12 in our minds, but with your sweet face of an 8 year old boy always remaining in our hearts. I'm torn inside. That inner battle has stirred up again within myself. Familiar feelings of ache, heaviness, and with-drawling seem to be coming and calling to me these past several days, and a part of me wants to give in, because it is so much easier then to fight it off every stink'n' single time. There is a part of a song, darkness, from Simon and Garfunkel that says," Hello darkness my old friend, I come to talk to you again." This is a rather disturbing truth. This darkness has a sleazy way of making me feel comforted. As I know that I have been there, done that route so many times. And it may feel like a nice safe exit from this hurt and facing reality, but it's just a lie that cheats me out on living. I am tired of carrying this broken heart, feeling it's hurt, but it's in the hurt that reminds me I am living and that I am still allowing myself to feel. And truly that is a blessing, reminding me that I am choosing life. I keep telling myself that we are not focusing on what would have been, but we are celebrating of what will be- as we wake up to each new day. I love the story in the New Testament of the father who bring his son to Jesus to be healed. He says, "If thou canst do anything have compassion on us, help us." And Jesus answers with, "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."And the father quickly responded with tears, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." Time and time again, I reflect back upon this story, because I feel like I am that father. I believe, how easy it is to just say that. But the creeping in of fear sometimes takes my better judgement and full heartily saying I believe, isn't exactly true. Caleb, I am not afraid to admit that I have my unbelief moments, and that is when darkness my old friend always sleazes it's way in. I know that God is faithful to us, I am a living statement of this very thing. There is no way I could have ever gotten out of the grief stricken pit that I was in had it not been for his unfailing love and compassion for us/ for me. With everything that has happened, with everything that has been done, I have learned from myself how people "Can Change." I am no way near the person I was in Jr High, or in College. I have changed. It's sad how we imprison each other in our minds of what people used to be back in the day. Thinking that they are the very same person as when we first met them. When it is frankly impossible to stand still, because this whole world is moving, we just can't see it. It is the same with people, we may not see the change in weeks, months, perhaps not until years, but the change comes. I seem to do this a lot with physical traits of friends and family, thinking in my mind of how they were when I last saw them, thinking that they would be and look the same- and yet that always seems to blow me away with the change that occurs. How much I would love to show my old dear school friends, college friends... that I am a different, a better person now. Change is beautiful, just like a butterfly. And if one only chooses to see the caterpillar, well then they are choosing to miss something far more beautiful from the process of change. A small insignificant caterpillar is what I used to be, but I am feeling the beautiful gift of wings carrying me on. How thankful I am for change, what a gift, what a blessing. We love you Caleb. Happy 12th Birthday, you big boy you. Love Your Mommy

We are so LUCKY!

Dear Caleb, It is funny how things that once seemed impossible to fathom, has because our current reality, and yet it doesn't even seem impossible to handle anymore. Though it still isn't fun, or even what I would like to still live with, but I am done fighting the unwanted change, there is nothing I can do about it. And I am ready to just be content with it, and allow our new normal to take its course. We are moving again, making this our 12th move as a family. I am in a position with my emotions that I never thought I would be; a part of healing that I thought would never come- nor ever for saw what could become. I wanted to stay miserable, for that is what I thought I only deserved. I wanted to stay withdrawn because it was an easier place to be, then in the present. I felt that I was unworthy to be loved and trusted, and I couldn't put especially our family in such a situation that would compromise another slip up from me as their mother. How nervous I have been to be a mother since then. How untrusting I have felt in my lack of abilities to care and be there for your siblings. I felt that if I could just keep the distance, it would protect the family from my mishaps. I couldn't have ever been MORE wrong. It hasn't helped, but has only hindered any glimmer of enjoyment together. For the heart of the mother, is the center of the family. And if she isn't happy or there emotionally, everything gets shifted, and everyone gets caught in the whirl wind. This has been our challenge these almost 4 years, but they are Caleb, they are no more. It is not a path that I want to be on anymore. I have hurt our family long enough and it is time for me to show them that because I love them, I want to be here emotionally. There is no point in being here physically if I have already checked myself out, but I am here physically, so it is time for me to be here emotionally too. Montey has been sleeping in your room, 'The Boys Room,’ he calls it. He said, 'Mom when Caleb comes I ask him if I can sleep on his bed.' He has been sleeping on your floor and tucks your picture in next to him. As I tucked both of you in the other night Montey said, "Mom. Caleb and I are twins. I look like him, and he looks like me." I said with tears in my eyes, "I know, isn't that awesome!" It both hurts my heart and makes me rejoice all at the same time. Sometimes I have to do double takes, because there are times that I swear I see you Caleb. But then when I realize it's just Montey, my heart stops fluttering. Gosh Caleb I cannot wait for that day to actually see you running towards us, we miss and ache for you more than any words could ever express. There is still such a whole in our hearts, in our family- and yet there is just nothing we can do about it. Next month you are turning 12 in our minds and hearts, though life would tell us otherwise. This is the very year, the very time that I have been dreading since after the accident. You will be graduating from church Primary and going into Young Men’s, receiving the Aaronic priesthood, passing the sacrament and starting boy scouts. Every Sunday I watch these sweet 12-year-old boys pass the sacrament and my heart sinks, and tears stream from my eyes thinking that my time is postponed for a time to see you serve in such a manner. How well you would have served, how much you would have enjoyed, how special this time would have been. Only recently have your birthday's been seen in a different light for me. How many people get the chance to celebrate their child's 12th birthday twice?! We are so lucky. We get to celebrate now and enjoy what will be. And get to celebrate again later when these things finally do take place. We are indeed LUCKY!! So, instead of dreading your birthday, I am anxiously looking forward to it. It doesn't mean that my heart won't ache and hurt, and tears won't be streaming down my face- because they will. But it does mean that Heavenly Father continues to keep his promise, that we will not be given more than we can handle. And who knew all along? Our Father in Heaven, that is who. For it is not that we are born strong, for being strong is not something that we are, it is something that we have to learn to become. And there is NO better strength that we are given and lent, then what comes from our Savior Jesus Christ. I know that it is only through his goodness that I am even able to smile and stand with what this difficulty has caused my back to change shape. How I have been made whole with peace of mind and contentment from the faith of just a simple outstretched hand, touching just the hem of his robe in desperation. Thank goodness he had compassion on me and turned to take my trembling hand. I love you so much Caleb. Thank you for being our inspiration and pushing us closer together. We will be together again soon. Love Your Mommy