Dear Caleb,
I can’t believe it has only been two years that we have been separated from you. It feels more like an eternity. It is very difficult watching your siblings grow up without their big brother paving the way for them. You were such a great big brother and example to them and they miss you very much. I found myself looking at the clock many times yesterday and thinking what we would have been doing at that instant two years ago. I remember we had a great time during the day and I will always be grateful that I had the day off so we could spend it together as a family. I found myself thinking a lot about how different that day would have been if I had known how it was going to end up. Of course I would have done anything to keep you safe from harm but that was not our Heavenly Father’s will. So what would I have talked with you about if I had known that at the end of that day you would no longer be with us on this earth? How could I have taken 8 years and 2 months of love and concern for you plus the many years to come of things I would have love to have taught and shown you and fit it all into one day? I do not know everything I would have told you but I certainly would have expressed how much I love you, how proud I was of the person you were becoming, and that I am confident that one day we will see each other again and be together as a family.
Caleb you have taught us so much the last two years about perspective and what really matters in this life. There are so many things that beforehand I placed a lot of value in but no longer seem to matter. I have also learned a great deal about service. There have been so many great people that have demonstrated concern for us through acts of service. I’ve realized how important it is that we each become more aware of those around us and reach out through service. We all at certain points in our lives need help to overcome the trails and hardships we are faced with. Sometimes the help we need are simply words of encouragement. We fall short many times but are trying to be less selfish and a more service oriented family. Thank you Caleb for teaching us these things. Thank you for being the great big brother that you were to your siblings. Liahona and Tamara often share experiences and memories of you. I am amazed at how much you taught them in the time you were on this earth with them. We long for you to be with us and do not understand why things happened the way they did. We trust however, that our Heavenly Father does understand and so we accept his will and continue looking foreword to the day that we can be with you again. I love you very much Caleb.
Love, Your Dad
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Truly We Are One (Mom)
Dear Sweet Cay-bub,
This pain is running too deep this month. It hurts all the more this year then last. The pain is strong, the taste is bitter, the sorrow is undesirable; it is an awful glance of the depths of what eternal and very real despair is. But to allow myself to be in despair would mean that I would have to turn my back against God. And I don't dare, for he is the very thing keeping me together, it is his hand that is continually pulling me away from where this awful gloom resides- for there is no escaping it's terrible grasp without his strengthening, loving support.
It has been two years, this 24th and 25th. The memories of us on our way to the scout store are still so crisp on my mind. The weather so beautiful, the sky was blue, everything was going so well for our family that day... How fast things can change. I pushed myself to review the pictures and comments from the accident, of all that I could find online. I feel so nauseous, so sick to my stomach, so light headed, so dizzy with all these emotions pouring into my weak mortal body. And yet after reading all the comments that were posted on every news site I could find, I do not feel any bitterness or anger towards any one's opinion. I cannot expect anyone to understand what happened, when I don't even know myself. I have nothing but the words of Our Savior, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do," or in my words from my prayer, "Father forgive them for they know not what they say." Yes, they did not have all the details, nor the position of being in my shoes and knowing my heart of a loving mother, for no mother who loves her children would ever put them in harms way- but would graciously take the full hit, if it meant for their children to pass by unhurt. All I remembering was riding with you, talking about football, dodging a deer that ran in front of us on Old Cheney Road. You were sitting in the front passenger side because we did not have airbags so that was legal. You wanted to sit up there ever since you were 7 years old, but we felt that you should at least wait until you were 8 years old, so you would be bigger and taller. So being eight years old, you sat up in the front with me on our outing. It was only your second time up in the front seat, and we were enjoying our conversation and just being together. And then the next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. Even the police after 3 months didn't know what happened, for the citation was returned. Our check was never deposited, but was returned right back to us. We always wanted to meet up with that wonderful young man in the other car, Travis Robeson. I know that even 2 years later it's got to be hard for him, especially if we are still aching with grief.
If you Caleb, had to leave, I know the Lord came to get you with his loving arms taking you instantly. You had so many people pulling for you on both sides of the veil, I often wonder if there was a small counsel to determine what was truly best for you. You have such an amazing support group still pulling for you today- there is so much love in their hearts. To be separated from those that we love causes such miserable aching, and longing on the very heartstrings of our hearts. Why did you take the whole blunt for us Caleb, that was suppose to be my role. I am just suppose to kiss your boo boos and put cute band aids on them so they heal and go away. You took everything!! It is a blessing to know that you are not suffering. Every time I get out of bed, I see that I have been give all the extensions of my limbs, and I think... how is that possible, unless you worked out a deal with God to spare me. I have reverenced my body in a way that I have never done before. To be given a second chance when you did not, I feel I am living my life with you. It is ours, we are one, our work on both sides of the veil are connected: We serve, we love, we forgive, and we know in whom we have to thank- for the promises to be an eternal family, to see and be together again; it is because of our Savior Jesus Christ. What a glorious plan of happiness of Father in Heaven created for us.
We live on strong because of you, of your example, of your selfless sacrifice for our family. Such beautiful examples you have left behind for us, there being only one other that has made such a strong sacrifice for our family; Jesus Christ. Our fight as a family is ever so strong, we know in what and why we live- it is to be found worthy to be together. Nothing compares to this our goal and righteous desire of our hearts. The sorrow, the pain, the aching, the longing pushes us onward. Thank goodness that your father and I got married in the Temple of the Lord, the only place in which we can be promised to be together forever, and not just til death do us part.
Thank goodness for temples and the priesthood of God that binds and seals families together.
We have been promised that if we stay strong, that these blessings can truly be ours.
We so love you Caleb.
We will not let you down, not after all that you have done to help keep our family together, you have done more than your share, we will do the rest.
=)Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers: How you liked to play the car card game called Millie Bornes.
Liahona remembers: That you told her when you were in Public School Kindergarten that you had to color within the lines.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to make lists: List for what to do that day, List for what sport to play, Lists for all who would play with you...
Dad (Eric) remembers: How good you were with setting up your electronics to get things to turn on and work; you would rarely need adult help.
This pain is running too deep this month. It hurts all the more this year then last. The pain is strong, the taste is bitter, the sorrow is undesirable; it is an awful glance of the depths of what eternal and very real despair is. But to allow myself to be in despair would mean that I would have to turn my back against God. And I don't dare, for he is the very thing keeping me together, it is his hand that is continually pulling me away from where this awful gloom resides- for there is no escaping it's terrible grasp without his strengthening, loving support.
It has been two years, this 24th and 25th. The memories of us on our way to the scout store are still so crisp on my mind. The weather so beautiful, the sky was blue, everything was going so well for our family that day... How fast things can change. I pushed myself to review the pictures and comments from the accident, of all that I could find online. I feel so nauseous, so sick to my stomach, so light headed, so dizzy with all these emotions pouring into my weak mortal body. And yet after reading all the comments that were posted on every news site I could find, I do not feel any bitterness or anger towards any one's opinion. I cannot expect anyone to understand what happened, when I don't even know myself. I have nothing but the words of Our Savior, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do," or in my words from my prayer, "Father forgive them for they know not what they say." Yes, they did not have all the details, nor the position of being in my shoes and knowing my heart of a loving mother, for no mother who loves her children would ever put them in harms way- but would graciously take the full hit, if it meant for their children to pass by unhurt. All I remembering was riding with you, talking about football, dodging a deer that ran in front of us on Old Cheney Road. You were sitting in the front passenger side because we did not have airbags so that was legal. You wanted to sit up there ever since you were 7 years old, but we felt that you should at least wait until you were 8 years old, so you would be bigger and taller. So being eight years old, you sat up in the front with me on our outing. It was only your second time up in the front seat, and we were enjoying our conversation and just being together. And then the next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. Even the police after 3 months didn't know what happened, for the citation was returned. Our check was never deposited, but was returned right back to us. We always wanted to meet up with that wonderful young man in the other car, Travis Robeson. I know that even 2 years later it's got to be hard for him, especially if we are still aching with grief.
If you Caleb, had to leave, I know the Lord came to get you with his loving arms taking you instantly. You had so many people pulling for you on both sides of the veil, I often wonder if there was a small counsel to determine what was truly best for you. You have such an amazing support group still pulling for you today- there is so much love in their hearts. To be separated from those that we love causes such miserable aching, and longing on the very heartstrings of our hearts. Why did you take the whole blunt for us Caleb, that was suppose to be my role. I am just suppose to kiss your boo boos and put cute band aids on them so they heal and go away. You took everything!! It is a blessing to know that you are not suffering. Every time I get out of bed, I see that I have been give all the extensions of my limbs, and I think... how is that possible, unless you worked out a deal with God to spare me. I have reverenced my body in a way that I have never done before. To be given a second chance when you did not, I feel I am living my life with you. It is ours, we are one, our work on both sides of the veil are connected: We serve, we love, we forgive, and we know in whom we have to thank- for the promises to be an eternal family, to see and be together again; it is because of our Savior Jesus Christ. What a glorious plan of happiness of Father in Heaven created for us.
We live on strong because of you, of your example, of your selfless sacrifice for our family. Such beautiful examples you have left behind for us, there being only one other that has made such a strong sacrifice for our family; Jesus Christ. Our fight as a family is ever so strong, we know in what and why we live- it is to be found worthy to be together. Nothing compares to this our goal and righteous desire of our hearts. The sorrow, the pain, the aching, the longing pushes us onward. Thank goodness that your father and I got married in the Temple of the Lord, the only place in which we can be promised to be together forever, and not just til death do us part.
Thank goodness for temples and the priesthood of God that binds and seals families together.
We have been promised that if we stay strong, that these blessings can truly be ours.
We so love you Caleb.
We will not let you down, not after all that you have done to help keep our family together, you have done more than your share, we will do the rest.
=)Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers: How you liked to play the car card game called Millie Bornes.
Liahona remembers: That you told her when you were in Public School Kindergarten that you had to color within the lines.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to make lists: List for what to do that day, List for what sport to play, Lists for all who would play with you...
Dad (Eric) remembers: How good you were with setting up your electronics to get things to turn on and work; you would rarely need adult help.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
13 months old
You were 13months on Aug 23, 2002.
You were doing.......
You were saying......
(to be filled in later)
You were doing.......
You were saying......
(to be filled in later)
Sunday, July 24, 2011
...I will ease your burdens...
Dear Caleb,
Oh sweet Caleb, Caleb, Caleb... my heart aches miserably inside for you, for us; for the desire of having all to be made right. I am not ready for next month, I am dreading it with every ounce of fiber in my being. Yet, I know it will come nevertheless. So I might as well accept the fact and prepare this broke heart of mine, that I may not impede the progress and growth that the Lord has for us. It doesn't make this situation any easier though, it is just a choice one has to make to continue to move forward. For without knowing the bitter, we could not understand the sweet.
As a family we went to Montana, to the family property that we haven't been back too since you were with us. You were 5, Liahona was 4, and Tamara was 2 last time that we went there as a family. It was hard but enjoyable to be back there; where you can feel close to family on both sides of the veil. It is a place of reverence and love. I feared that I wouldn't be able to handle the 2 week trip away from home, but the Lord granted me strength and help so that I could feel of his love; allowing me to be content and not hindering with building new family memories- seeing that this was Montey's first time being there. I took so many pictures to bring that sacred place home with us. It truly was a joy of a trip.
While I was up there at the family property I reading the Book of Mormon, in Mosiah chapter 24, it was a time when the people of the Lord and Alma their prophet, was being ruled by a wicked leader named Amulon. He told the people of God that they could not pray out loud to their God or else he would kill them; but the people didn't stop praying, they continued to pray in their hearts for help and for deliverance from bondage. In verses 13 through15 it says, "And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully with patience to all the will of the Lord."
This scripture truly was written to help me to see more clearly. Though our burden is not with the physical burden of wicked leaders; ours is in: this temporary separation, heat ache, depression, guilt, and disappointment. The Lord granted ease to Alma and his people because of their love and devotion to God whom lives above. These are they who have entered into the waters of baptism, creating a covenant; meaning a two way promise. I took comfort as I re-read, "I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me: and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage." You, Dad, Liahona, and I have entered into this covenant. And I know that the Lord is strongly aware of our devotion to do his will, and because of that, I know that he has stretched forth his merciful loving arm towards us; to bring us ease. People have told us that trough 'time' things will get better, but I have come to understand it differently. It is not that through time things get better on their own; it is through time that we come to understand and learn that we can actually live with this unwanted burden. It is not because of our strength that we are able to make things better, because that is impossible; there is nothing within ourselves to change the outcome of the past. It is because of Christ that allows us to be lifted on higher ground, even when the circumstances are unfavorable.
This is our final test of all, to do as the people of Alma did; "They did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." Elder Neal A Maxwell, a former member of the 12 apostles said, "Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best- better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God's omniscience, as if, as some seem to believe, God were on some sort of postdoctoral fellowship..." Knowing that our burden has been made light, we cannot but rejoice in the Lord; For truly we are slowly being brought out of our bondage. I just pray that, we as a family, may wait with patience on the Lord, with obtaining the desires of our hearts- in being an eternal family.
Much Loves to you Buddy Boy,
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers, how You loved to play with your squirt guns and spray bottles; especially with your sisters.
Liahona remembers, how You always wanted a pet snake.
Mom remembers, how You liked to play bowling with plastic cups and a small rubber ball.
Dad remembers, how You would often talk him into jumping on the trampoline with you.
Oh sweet Caleb, Caleb, Caleb... my heart aches miserably inside for you, for us; for the desire of having all to be made right. I am not ready for next month, I am dreading it with every ounce of fiber in my being. Yet, I know it will come nevertheless. So I might as well accept the fact and prepare this broke heart of mine, that I may not impede the progress and growth that the Lord has for us. It doesn't make this situation any easier though, it is just a choice one has to make to continue to move forward. For without knowing the bitter, we could not understand the sweet.
As a family we went to Montana, to the family property that we haven't been back too since you were with us. You were 5, Liahona was 4, and Tamara was 2 last time that we went there as a family. It was hard but enjoyable to be back there; where you can feel close to family on both sides of the veil. It is a place of reverence and love. I feared that I wouldn't be able to handle the 2 week trip away from home, but the Lord granted me strength and help so that I could feel of his love; allowing me to be content and not hindering with building new family memories- seeing that this was Montey's first time being there. I took so many pictures to bring that sacred place home with us. It truly was a joy of a trip.
While I was up there at the family property I reading the Book of Mormon, in Mosiah chapter 24, it was a time when the people of the Lord and Alma their prophet, was being ruled by a wicked leader named Amulon. He told the people of God that they could not pray out loud to their God or else he would kill them; but the people didn't stop praying, they continued to pray in their hearts for help and for deliverance from bondage. In verses 13 through15 it says, "And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully with patience to all the will of the Lord."
This scripture truly was written to help me to see more clearly. Though our burden is not with the physical burden of wicked leaders; ours is in: this temporary separation, heat ache, depression, guilt, and disappointment. The Lord granted ease to Alma and his people because of their love and devotion to God whom lives above. These are they who have entered into the waters of baptism, creating a covenant; meaning a two way promise. I took comfort as I re-read, "I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me: and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage." You, Dad, Liahona, and I have entered into this covenant. And I know that the Lord is strongly aware of our devotion to do his will, and because of that, I know that he has stretched forth his merciful loving arm towards us; to bring us ease. People have told us that trough 'time' things will get better, but I have come to understand it differently. It is not that through time things get better on their own; it is through time that we come to understand and learn that we can actually live with this unwanted burden. It is not because of our strength that we are able to make things better, because that is impossible; there is nothing within ourselves to change the outcome of the past. It is because of Christ that allows us to be lifted on higher ground, even when the circumstances are unfavorable.
This is our final test of all, to do as the people of Alma did; "They did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." Elder Neal A Maxwell, a former member of the 12 apostles said, "Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best- better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God's omniscience, as if, as some seem to believe, God were on some sort of postdoctoral fellowship..." Knowing that our burden has been made light, we cannot but rejoice in the Lord; For truly we are slowly being brought out of our bondage. I just pray that, we as a family, may wait with patience on the Lord, with obtaining the desires of our hearts- in being an eternal family.
Much Loves to you Buddy Boy,
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers, how You loved to play with your squirt guns and spray bottles; especially with your sisters.
Liahona remembers, how You always wanted a pet snake.
Mom remembers, how You liked to play bowling with plastic cups and a small rubber ball.
Dad remembers, how You would often talk him into jumping on the trampoline with you.
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