Dear Caleb,
Well, the Frog House of which you called our home in Nebraska has sold. It sold in less than 5 days being on the market. I felt as though we were forced to move out, and that our home was no longer ours. It was very hard putting away all your toys, and clothes in boxes. I could not throw a single thing away; I had to keep all your drawings, writings, wrappers, and rocks…. I couldn't get myself to part with anything of yours, even your baby items that Montey is not using anymore. It was the hardest part of our move. As I was packing and cleaning I couldn’t help but think of the modern day Pioneers as they had to move from place to place by force from the mobs that would come and attack them just because of their belief in their God. Though no mobs were attacking us and forcing us to move, this was still a very unwanted, very hard move for us. As I was sweeping my kitchen floor for the last time I kept thinking about the words from Bathsheba Smith, “My last act in that precious spot was to tidy the rooms, sweep up the floor, and set the broom in its accustomed place behind the door. Then with emotions in my heart...I gently closed the door and faced unknown future; faced it with faith in God and with no less assurance of the ultimate establishment of the Gospel in the West and of its true enduring principles, than I had felt in those trying scenes in Missouri." Though our trying times have been there in Nebraska, our hearts have been made stronger, our focus more sure, and our hearts more true. Your sisters and I said our goodbyes to very thing: to the bedrooms, to the walls, to the yard, and the frog pond. We all started to cry, I kept saying, “It’s okay to cry, because we are going to miss our Nebraska home.” I pulled them in and hugged them as we looked out at the frog pond one last time. I could not stall and throw any temper tantrums anymore, because this is actually real. Our hearts are broken all over again, and it feels that we have lost you again. Liahona said to me, “Mom I feel closer to Caleb in Nebraska.” I leaned over and said to her, “I know, me too.” Caleb those beautiful memories we have with you in Nebraska are engraved so deep on our hearts, we are grateful for our June roses in these Decembers of our lives, this is what keeps us strong, and keeps us moving forward to be with you again someday. A day of which we hope is soon.
Driving in the Van away from Lincoln Nebraska was completely difficult. Looking at the capitol building that we loved to go visit and play hide’n’seek at would soon be no more. I kept getting the feeling that what I came to accomplish was never fulfilled. What did I do and learn these past 3 years here in Lincoln. Your father came with a goal and accomplished his, but what about me? I was feeling so uneasy about not knowing any good that came from me living there for 3 years. Then it came to me. We accomplished the amazing with our homeschool studies as a family, it truly pulled us together, and made our bonds strong. A blessing that I will forever be grateful unto the Lord for guiding us in this way. …a way that I plan to continue, for the accomplishment of the success and benefit for our family. For the families that pray together stays together, and that is our goal as a family. Though I may have done this one thing correct, there was still some uneasiness about what I did not accomplish. Before we left Nebraska we drove out to your corner to say our Nebraska goodbyes, and to weed and care for your spot one last time. Emotions were very HIGH, it was very hard on our hearts to be leaving apart of our memories of you behind. I am frustrated that I failed at caring for you when you trusted me most of all. This is what I failed to accomplish here in Nebraska, not being able to help and stop this unwanted situation. My mind is still feeling the effects of everything; I cannot remember anything from the accident. And my short-term memory is shot; I can’t remember much throughout the day. It is irritating to have an 80-year-old memory in a 29-year-old body, but it is what it is. Though I physically failed at being that protective mother to keep you out of harms way, this is something that will forever be heavy on my heart, until it will be my turn to join you. Thankfully, together we did succeed as a family to obtain the spiritual focus on our journey here on earth. We taught you who you are; a child of God, why we are here; to be more like our Savior, and where we go hereafter; back with our loving Father in Heaven. So we succeeded Spiritually here in Nebraska teaching you things of much importance in a world that can be difficult to follow and obey what we know to be right and true. Thank you Caleb for helping our family to be stronger, and keeping us on the path that we know to be true with all our hearts. How grateful we are to know that the gospel of Jesus Christ makes it possible for families to be together, not just in this life but for all eternity. Knowing these things as a child did not make this challenge easier for our family. We had to make the choice and choose for ourselves to either believe what we were taught or nor. Thankfully the promise of the Holy Ghost to always be with us and guide us is real, the promptings of the still small voice can teach us all things, even to know what direction we need to take when we are confused and blinded with very heavy emotions; as what we were. But as a family we have accomplished the impossible it feels like. Starting there in Nebraska, taking us to Washington……we will not fail you anymore Caleb. We do not dare to fail you anymore; we love you and hope to be with you again someday, so we know we too must do our part.
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb liked playing with his legos.
Liahona remembers how Caleb loved playing with his lego computer games.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb loved to help out with his baby brother.
Dad (Eric) remembers how excellent Caleb's memory was with directions. He always knew where we were going.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Birthday Wishes
Dear Caleb,
Today marks your 9th birthday. Ending the 2 weeks that both you and Liahona were both 8 years old together. You will always have your place as the big brother no matter how old your siblings continue to be. We are so grateful for such a great and wonderful example that you set for them to follow.
As I woke up this morning I was thinking of the glorious day of your birth. You came at 2:00am in the morning to join our family, at the Madision Memorial Hospital in Rexburg Idaho. When both dad and I were still in school at Rick’s College, which was the last year that that school would be known as that name, and was changing to BYU-Idaho.
The 22nd of June 2001 was your actual due date, I started contractions at 2:00am that morning with just minor cramping. We didn’t think much of it, thinking that it would just be false labor, so we just continued with our day. In the late afternoon they started to get stronger. I had a visiting teaching appointment scheduled with a dear friend, Crystal, and as we visited with her I was timing the contractions. They were now 5 mins apart. When we were done with our fun visit, I went home and told your father. He thought that if it were false labor they would stop if we changed our physical movement. And since I was just sitting at my visiting teaching visit; he wanted us to go for a walk. It was a very nice day, pretty warm, so we went for a pleasant walk. I remember taking pictures with your Dad on our walk and he took some of us as I stretched after the walk. Once we got back it seemed to have worked the contractions stopped. But it didn’t last too long, only about 20 minutes before they came back, but twice a stronger. We timed them and they were about 3 mins apart at that time. We started to get a little anxious, not really knowing what to do so your father called your Grandmother Mathison. She told us that we should call our doctor and head to the hospital. So we called the doctor, and Dr. Crouch told us that same thing, “Get to the Hospital.” It didn’t seem like a huge problem to us, so we were taking our time getting our stuff together as I paced around the apartment. It felt weird to be going to the hospital, not knowing what to expect. It was scary yet very exciting at the same time. Knowing that soon we would be parents with a little baby of our own to take care of and to love. We got to the hospital at 6pm and the main entrance was closed so we had to find and enter into the Emergency Entrance.
As we checked in I was pacing a lot more. The policy there at the hospital was that I had to be wheeled up to the maternity level, I did not like that. Sitting down hurt much more then standing. And the person was going so slow, that it was making me a little unhappy. I just wanted to get up to my room and get some medicines to take the edge of the pain away. We had the most wonderful Nurse; of which I am sad to say cannot remember her name. We were only dilated to a 2 when we arrived and they wanted me to be at least dilated to a 4 before they would give me any pain meds. She was very nice and got us all situated, and out of my way as I continued to pace the room’s floor, practically running over her and your father. Your father learned quickly that all of our Lamaze classes were just a waste of time, and a joke because it did not work for us. I was just expecting some nubane IV drug, when the anesthesiologist came into the room to give me an epidural. My contracts were a min on top of each other at that point and I just wanted anything, however, thankfully I was close to being at a 4 so they prepared to administer the epidural just so I would calm down. Eric had to do all the read of what could happen and his eyes widened very wide. Asking me if I was sure that I wanted to do this? I remember saying, “Anything that will make this pain stop I am all for it.” So he signed all the papers and listened to and answered all the questions that I was asked because I would NOT answer them, nor acknowledge that they were even there in the room, because I was focused on one thing and one thing only…. The Pain.
Once the epidermal was in I remember apologizing to everyone. I felt bad that I couldn’t seem to be myself with all the physical pain that came on so fast, but once the meds were in it was all good. I remember trying to take a nap, but waking up shortly to your father watching hockey, the Stanly Cup. We were progressing well until midnight hit. When we were finally at a 10, my contracts slowed down tremendously to every 15mins. So the doctors were going to use the vacuum with you to help get you out, but I refused. Two hours pushing with contractions every 15mins, you finally came 24 hours later, 2:00am today, 9 years ago.
Happy Birthday Caleb. I would do this all over again just to bring you back here to be with us again. Because not having you here is MUCH more difficult and Much more hard. We love you and miss you more than our words can describe. We tried to do things that you would have wanted to do, to show you our love….. but it obviously wasn’t the same without you here.
Happy 9th Birthday!! Love your Mommy, Daddy, Sisters, and Baby Brother
Today marks your 9th birthday. Ending the 2 weeks that both you and Liahona were both 8 years old together. You will always have your place as the big brother no matter how old your siblings continue to be. We are so grateful for such a great and wonderful example that you set for them to follow.
As I woke up this morning I was thinking of the glorious day of your birth. You came at 2:00am in the morning to join our family, at the Madision Memorial Hospital in Rexburg Idaho. When both dad and I were still in school at Rick’s College, which was the last year that that school would be known as that name, and was changing to BYU-Idaho.
The 22nd of June 2001 was your actual due date, I started contractions at 2:00am that morning with just minor cramping. We didn’t think much of it, thinking that it would just be false labor, so we just continued with our day. In the late afternoon they started to get stronger. I had a visiting teaching appointment scheduled with a dear friend, Crystal, and as we visited with her I was timing the contractions. They were now 5 mins apart. When we were done with our fun visit, I went home and told your father. He thought that if it were false labor they would stop if we changed our physical movement. And since I was just sitting at my visiting teaching visit; he wanted us to go for a walk. It was a very nice day, pretty warm, so we went for a pleasant walk. I remember taking pictures with your Dad on our walk and he took some of us as I stretched after the walk. Once we got back it seemed to have worked the contractions stopped. But it didn’t last too long, only about 20 minutes before they came back, but twice a stronger. We timed them and they were about 3 mins apart at that time. We started to get a little anxious, not really knowing what to do so your father called your Grandmother Mathison. She told us that we should call our doctor and head to the hospital. So we called the doctor, and Dr. Crouch told us that same thing, “Get to the Hospital.” It didn’t seem like a huge problem to us, so we were taking our time getting our stuff together as I paced around the apartment. It felt weird to be going to the hospital, not knowing what to expect. It was scary yet very exciting at the same time. Knowing that soon we would be parents with a little baby of our own to take care of and to love. We got to the hospital at 6pm and the main entrance was closed so we had to find and enter into the Emergency Entrance.
As we checked in I was pacing a lot more. The policy there at the hospital was that I had to be wheeled up to the maternity level, I did not like that. Sitting down hurt much more then standing. And the person was going so slow, that it was making me a little unhappy. I just wanted to get up to my room and get some medicines to take the edge of the pain away. We had the most wonderful Nurse; of which I am sad to say cannot remember her name. We were only dilated to a 2 when we arrived and they wanted me to be at least dilated to a 4 before they would give me any pain meds. She was very nice and got us all situated, and out of my way as I continued to pace the room’s floor, practically running over her and your father. Your father learned quickly that all of our Lamaze classes were just a waste of time, and a joke because it did not work for us. I was just expecting some nubane IV drug, when the anesthesiologist came into the room to give me an epidural. My contracts were a min on top of each other at that point and I just wanted anything, however, thankfully I was close to being at a 4 so they prepared to administer the epidural just so I would calm down. Eric had to do all the read of what could happen and his eyes widened very wide. Asking me if I was sure that I wanted to do this? I remember saying, “Anything that will make this pain stop I am all for it.” So he signed all the papers and listened to and answered all the questions that I was asked because I would NOT answer them, nor acknowledge that they were even there in the room, because I was focused on one thing and one thing only…. The Pain.
Once the epidermal was in I remember apologizing to everyone. I felt bad that I couldn’t seem to be myself with all the physical pain that came on so fast, but once the meds were in it was all good. I remember trying to take a nap, but waking up shortly to your father watching hockey, the Stanly Cup. We were progressing well until midnight hit. When we were finally at a 10, my contracts slowed down tremendously to every 15mins. So the doctors were going to use the vacuum with you to help get you out, but I refused. Two hours pushing with contractions every 15mins, you finally came 24 hours later, 2:00am today, 9 years ago.
Happy Birthday Caleb. I would do this all over again just to bring you back here to be with us again. Because not having you here is MUCH more difficult and Much more hard. We love you and miss you more than our words can describe. We tried to do things that you would have wanted to do, to show you our love….. but it obviously wasn’t the same without you here.
Happy 9th Birthday!! Love your Mommy, Daddy, Sisters, and Baby Brother
Monday, May 24, 2010
9months... it's been a Very Hard Labor!
Dear Caleb,
Nine months........ I remember getting so anxious for you to arrive and join our family. I remember playing on a co-ed soccer team with your dad while being very pregnant with you thinking that it would help me go into labor, so we could get you here sooner, but of course it didn't work... You came exactly on your due date.
Montey just turned 2, Tamara just turned 6, this next month is going to be even harder... You and Liahona, My Irish Twins, will both be 8. Liahona had to make a very hard decision just recently, she had to decide to either be baptized here where you were, or to wait to have friends and family join us when we move. And though the choice was hard, she was slightly disappointed that she had to choose between the two. Yet from all of this, it has caused her to be more wise and mature for her age than most 7 years are suppose to be. She decided that she would wait, so that family and friends could come and be with her at this very special and important time in her life, plus she said it would be easier for you to come too.
The first of May Dad accepted a job offer in Washington to start work in July. We have been looking and searching since Dec of last year. Funny how the Lord tests our faith in him to the very last minute before we receive an open door. So we have an opening of a whole month and a half to figure out where we were going to move too, pack, clean, move, and have dad take his BIG Certification Exam. Just one of these alone could cause one to be full of stress. And we have 5 BIG things right on top of each other, but it is no big deal to us. We actually won't start packing until June 1st. Which will only give us 2 weeks to pack everything up. The moment we moved here, I would have told you that I was going to start packing January of 2010, four months before Dad even graduated. Now, we can't bear the thought of moving and leaving all of our fond memories with you. It hurts. The pain is too deep to even describe. It is our last temper tantrum that we will get to throw by delaying everything because we will have to face the inevitable soon... Oh Too Soon!
It amazing how one trial as ours can cause such deep pains, that cause such huge ripples, that cause such a HUGE change in oneself, and in our family. The struggles and pains will most likely always be there, but to know that life from here on out will only be but a cake walk for us Mathison's. Packing, Cleaning, Finding a place across the country, Moving, starting a new job in a new place.......... seriously NOT a big deal. Does not even compare to what we have already been through as a family.
Though I am not a direct descendant of the amazing Mormon Pioneers, I gain much strength from these strong individuals as they accomplished the impossible. They traveled by wagons and handcarts walking about 1400 miles from the Midwest into the West. They faced so many hardships of sickness, fatigue, persecution, and having to face loosing many of their loved ones. Having to bury them and leave them behind... and so much more. "I KNOW THAT WE ARE IN GOOD COMPANY." I am proud to carry the name Mormon in their behalf, carrying their legacy and banner of "H"ope and eternal perspective that will not die with me, nor my children. WE KNOW WHO WE ARE. WE KNOW WHY WE ARE HERE. AND WE KNOW WHERE WE GET TO GO HERE AFTER. And how blessed we are to know such things. So what one pioneer did was not just for their family, but for us all, to build and gather to Zion. A place of one heart and one mind. Now it is our turn, as the gathering is still in full effect, it is everyone Else's' job to STRENGTHEN it! Keep the banner waving, letting everyone know where they truly can find peace and "H"ope which will not ever come from here, but from our Loving Father in Heaven. I know these things to be truth...Oh how grateful I am.
Caleb we will see you soon. We pray for that day to come quickly. Keep up the great work you are doing. We can't thank you enough. Love you Buddy boy. Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to bite on his straws from the drinks that he would get at restaurants.
Liahona remembers how Caleb said, "All of our friends and cousins have vans. I want a van because they can go faster."
Mom(Tanya) remembers how observant Caleb always was. One time while driving in the van as a family he said, "Mom, all the girls are on one side and all the boys are on the other side."
Dad(Eric) remembers how Caleb liked to use a hiking stick to walk with on our family hikes. And how he also liked to use it to whack things that were in his way.
Nine months........ I remember getting so anxious for you to arrive and join our family. I remember playing on a co-ed soccer team with your dad while being very pregnant with you thinking that it would help me go into labor, so we could get you here sooner, but of course it didn't work... You came exactly on your due date.
Montey just turned 2, Tamara just turned 6, this next month is going to be even harder... You and Liahona, My Irish Twins, will both be 8. Liahona had to make a very hard decision just recently, she had to decide to either be baptized here where you were, or to wait to have friends and family join us when we move. And though the choice was hard, she was slightly disappointed that she had to choose between the two. Yet from all of this, it has caused her to be more wise and mature for her age than most 7 years are suppose to be. She decided that she would wait, so that family and friends could come and be with her at this very special and important time in her life, plus she said it would be easier for you to come too.
The first of May Dad accepted a job offer in Washington to start work in July. We have been looking and searching since Dec of last year. Funny how the Lord tests our faith in him to the very last minute before we receive an open door. So we have an opening of a whole month and a half to figure out where we were going to move too, pack, clean, move, and have dad take his BIG Certification Exam. Just one of these alone could cause one to be full of stress. And we have 5 BIG things right on top of each other, but it is no big deal to us. We actually won't start packing until June 1st. Which will only give us 2 weeks to pack everything up. The moment we moved here, I would have told you that I was going to start packing January of 2010, four months before Dad even graduated. Now, we can't bear the thought of moving and leaving all of our fond memories with you. It hurts. The pain is too deep to even describe. It is our last temper tantrum that we will get to throw by delaying everything because we will have to face the inevitable soon... Oh Too Soon!
It amazing how one trial as ours can cause such deep pains, that cause such huge ripples, that cause such a HUGE change in oneself, and in our family. The struggles and pains will most likely always be there, but to know that life from here on out will only be but a cake walk for us Mathison's. Packing, Cleaning, Finding a place across the country, Moving, starting a new job in a new place.......... seriously NOT a big deal. Does not even compare to what we have already been through as a family.
Though I am not a direct descendant of the amazing Mormon Pioneers, I gain much strength from these strong individuals as they accomplished the impossible. They traveled by wagons and handcarts walking about 1400 miles from the Midwest into the West. They faced so many hardships of sickness, fatigue, persecution, and having to face loosing many of their loved ones. Having to bury them and leave them behind... and so much more. "I KNOW THAT WE ARE IN GOOD COMPANY." I am proud to carry the name Mormon in their behalf, carrying their legacy and banner of "H"ope and eternal perspective that will not die with me, nor my children. WE KNOW WHO WE ARE. WE KNOW WHY WE ARE HERE. AND WE KNOW WHERE WE GET TO GO HERE AFTER. And how blessed we are to know such things. So what one pioneer did was not just for their family, but for us all, to build and gather to Zion. A place of one heart and one mind. Now it is our turn, as the gathering is still in full effect, it is everyone Else's' job to STRENGTHEN it! Keep the banner waving, letting everyone know where they truly can find peace and "H"ope which will not ever come from here, but from our Loving Father in Heaven. I know these things to be truth...Oh how grateful I am.
Caleb we will see you soon. We pray for that day to come quickly. Keep up the great work you are doing. We can't thank you enough. Love you Buddy boy. Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to bite on his straws from the drinks that he would get at restaurants.
Liahona remembers how Caleb said, "All of our friends and cousins have vans. I want a van because they can go faster."
Mom(Tanya) remembers how observant Caleb always was. One time while driving in the van as a family he said, "Mom, all the girls are on one side and all the boys are on the other side."
Dad(Eric) remembers how Caleb liked to use a hiking stick to walk with on our family hikes. And how he also liked to use it to whack things that were in his way.
Friday, April 30, 2010
"8" and still aching...
(Computer crashed, unable to post on the 24th.)
Dear Caleb,
Dad just got back from a long school conference, then before that he was in the NW looking for a job. Dad graduates, this next week, 10 long years. It actually breaks my heart to see that we will be moving into a new chapter of life without creating new memories with you. It makes us all the more thankful for our June roses, in these the December of our lives. I do not want to move away from this home, this city, this area that have so many memories of you. But as the Work of the Lord moves on, so will we.
But we do not move on being naive by not understanding, nor in despair, which is the opposite of Hope. WE move on not with lowercase "h" hope, which is only just an approximation of wishes of positive optimism of the future. WE move on WITH the uppercase "H" Hope, which is the Ultimate Hope! It is the assurance that ALL things WILL turn out well, through Jesus Christ. Our "H"ope is strong. Our "H"ope is an anchor to our soul. In our dark difficult nights, such blessed "H"ope helps us to hold on, and not give into despair, when it has been oh so hard to hold on too anything. We do not dare set ourselves against "H"ope to despair. Which is to deny the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, it is to say that Christ... cannot save you Caleb; That Christ cannot heal my broken heart; That Christ cannot bless our family; That the future is closed to any possibilities to receive help in bringing our family back together; That things will never get better; That the dawn will never come.
We KNOW that all of these are FALSE thoughts! There IS "H"ope, there is "H"ope because of Jesus Christ. However the darkness of the night may be or seem, the DAWN WILL ALWAYS COME! We have felt strength from beyond our own capacity of our mortal beings. There is someone who cares for us, hurts for us, and is there to helps us. If only, we can just look beyond what our mortal eyes can see.
Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song called "Spring Is Coming."
We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground
The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown
Now the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stone
And silently seed rise beneath ice and snow
And my heart's heavy now
But I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells me
Spring is coming, Spring is coming
And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear
Spring is coming, Spring is coming
It won't be long now, it's just about here
Caleb, because our of Ultimate "H"ope we will not let you down. We KNOW that we will see and be with you again, a time that is coming soon! We have no other earthly goals nor mortal desires that is stronger than for us to be together again. This is what we are working for, this is what we "H"ope for, which can only be fulfilled through our Savior. Our hearts rejoice to know that our dreams CAN become a reality through our most loving and merciful Lord. What would be the point of heaven if we couldn't be with our families forever? I am grateful to know of the truthfulness of these things, for my heart receives much strength to move forward towards you because of it's push. We love you, Buddy Boy. We ARE doing our part to be together again soon. Love you so very much, Love Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to be silly.
Liahona remembers when Caleb was cold as he got out from the pool at the Y, he would chatter his teeth together really fast.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb liked having Mom drive through the BIG puddles after a rain storm.
Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb loved the color red, and how he liked red heads too. =)
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