Memory of Caleb Luccas Mathison

Christmas Is here again

2011-12-24T13:56:00.001-08:00

Dear Caleb,

I am greatly missing you this Christmas Season, I hate to say that I dislike Christmas because I don't, it's just so hard to be happy. I am trying really hard to not be a downer when I am around others and seem like I'm a baa humbug. But with all the memories: getting out your Christmas train, putting up your special ornaments.... it's just so piercing to my heart. It hurts and I just want to cry all the time; it just doesn't seem possible to be happy during this time without you here. The ache is oh so terribly bitter during these Christmas times. Times that you just loved so much and looked forward too with your count down paper chains.

I've been listening to Christmas music with your siblings as we would drive around, trying to perk me into the mood but even the Christmas music sounds different to me again this year. And there are three songs specifically that keep bringing tears to my eyes and I get lost in the words. The first song is called, 'Christmas All Over Again' It says, "It is Christmas time again, decorations are hung by the fire, everyone is singing and all the bells are ringing out, and it's Christmas all over again." I am once again just going through the emotions of Christmas, everyone I see seem happy, and yet I keep thinking to myself, 'It's Christmas time again, here we go again' followed by a sour stomach every time. The second song is called, 'Somewhere in my memory.' It says, "Somewhere in my memory finds the joy of Christmas, living in my memory, all of the music, all of the magic, all of the family at home with me." I am trying so hard not to compare all present Christmas's to the ones that we shared with you. But it is just so hard to find all that joy and laughter and magic without you here with us. And the third song is called, 'Where are you Christmas.' It says, "Where are you Christmas why can't I find you, why have you gone away? Where is the laughter you used to bring me, why can't I hear music play? My world is changing I'm rearranging, does that mean that Christmas changes too?"

Caleb I know that the real reason of Christmas has not changed. I know that the only way to find pure joy has never changed either. It is the same and has been and ever will be forever. And it is through Christ our Lord, who was born in a lowly manger in Bethlehem. It is only because of him that I can hold my head high as tears stream down my cheeks; it is through him that saves, it is through him that will allow us to be together again.

This Christmas, I am brought back to my thoughts on Mary, the Mother of Jesus. How brave; how strong; how faithful and valiant she must have been- to carry the weight of knowing that her precious son would only stay for a short while, and then return home above. I have written a poem about her; It's called, 'Mary's Tribute.'

"I look to Mary with amazing awe,
As she was faithful in what she heard and saw.

How could one be so firm and true,
Knowing that her son's life would soon be due.

To carry such a constant ache in her heart,
I'm amazed that it never tore her apart.

She stood so valiant and oh so strong,
And never complained or thought God was wrong.

How I want to be more like her,
That obeyed God's will to become an accomplisher."

Caleb, sweet Caleb, I want to give you a present of my heart which is better then any physical gift of toys and things. I want to promise to you that I will try to be more like Mary: one who is strong, one who is focused always on God's will, one who finds progress through Christ. I cannot bear to disappoint you again, nor our family. I will kept pushing our family moving forward towards you. Thankfully we are not alone in this bitter work, we have the best loving supporting family on our side- God our Eternal Father and in his living, resurrected son Jesus Christ. Because of them we can do this, we will do this, there is no other way then God's way, so we will hold on tight as we follow his lighted path for us- with our aching hearts and tear stained faces. Because we know that we are promised everlasting joy if we but endure to the end, so we move with faith and trust- knowing that all WILL be made right!

We so dearly love you our Kabub. Merry Christmas Buddy Boy.
Love Your Mommy

A Thankful Heart of Contentment

2011-11-24T11:39:00.001-08:00

Dear Caleb,

I want to thank you for the beautiful gift you gave me the 2 days before Thanksgiving, as I was going into Montey's room for another night-tare moment during the night. As I walked past your room and started to walk into Montey's room, in the corner of my eye I saw you playing on your floor with your toys that were left out from your sisters the day before. You were wearing your long t-shirt pajamas and had them pulled over your legs, as you were playing, and I thought to myself, "Oh look Caleb is up playing so quietly with his toys... boy he's such a sweet and considerate child." I took only 2 steps into Montey's room when I realized what I had just saw and what I had just said. I stopped moving forward and quickly ran back towards your room.... but this time you were not there, just your toys that you were playing with. The day before Thanksgiving as we were picking up our home, I told your sisters how you were here, and how important it is for us to leave out some of your toys, because you like to come home to play with them. They all agree that they will do this for you.

Well Caleb, I have finally been able to see glimmers of sun beams shining through these never ending stormy, gloomy clouds. But before this, I was feeling myself fall deeper, and deeper into a depression. I have been unhappy with myself, causing things to be unhappy at home. I was getting so tired of being the problem and causing all the problems. So many people have told me, that you would want me to be happy- but with all honesty I had NO idea how to do that or even know where to start. The idea of living a happy life got knocked out of me like one feels when being punch in the stomach... it just makes it hard to breath and move. I have been going through the emotions as one would live their life; wake up, get out of bed, feed the kids, do school with the kids, make lunch, finish school, do chores, make dinner, go to bed. But I have not truly being 'living.' My mind was set to a certain channel, that I have been living to die. I have given up on almost everything: going, doing, and being what I use to do and be. I have just been letting life hit me as it comes, instead of trying to enjoy the moments of what time I may still have left with our family here on earth.

There was a family, the Jaques family, that came across the plains with the Martin Handcart Pioneers- my feelings are almost identical . On October 17, 1864 John Jaques wrote about the passing of his daughter Rose. "At about 8 o'clock in the morning our poor little darling died. This was a heavy blow to us, as she was a lovely and sensible child and we had fondly hoped that she would live to be a help and comfort and companion to her mother. We both felt that were it not for our boys, we could cheerfully have gone down to the grave with our dear little daughter. When will the resurrection come, that we may have our darling back again?" After Rose was buried two days later, her father felt that all life's beauties had gone with her. "How desolate the house seemed," he wrote, "and the garden and the trees and vines. All their charms seemed to have gone into the grave with our poor darling."

It amazes me that even about 150 years later, the feelings of loss are the same. Everything has been gray, gloomy in my life, everything has been half empty, nothing has brought even a remoteness spark of life back into my limpless life since you returned home. I haven't even allowed myself to try, for all guilt sets in when I think that I might be able to change my thinking to half full. Until just recently......

Right before the Martin Handcart company finally made it to Salt Lake Valley on Sunday November 30, many were still at church. President Brigham Young, the second Latter-day Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, dismissed all to go home and to prepare their homes to help the people that were coming. Brigham Young said, "You know I would give more for a dish of pudding and milk, or a baked potato and salt, were I in their situation of those peoples who have just come in, than I would for all your prayers, though you were to stay here all afternoon and pray. Prayer is good, but when baked potatoes and pudding and milk are needed, prayer will not supply their place on this occasion; give every duty its proper time and place..."

From those words, it got my squeaky, rusty wheels turning again. Helping me to notice that I have only been doing what John Jaques' mentioned, just praying and asking to know when the resurrection will come, so that we may be with you again. Though praying is good as Brigham Young said, yet, everything must be given it's proper time and place; especially with taking better care of the gift of life- for that is what it is, a Gift. We are only here for but a moment. I can not expect to receive a golden ticket home like you, I am expected to work and to be found worthy to receive that even higher gift called eternal life.

It has been very awkward and even uncomfortable at times as I have begun my first steps into the rays of sunbeams, through my ever so dark and gloomy clouds of emotions. There have been several that have mentioned how glad they are to see me happy. I have even found myself singing in the shower and humming while I eat. But it is not happiness they see. For me to be happy again, even to the measure of what I was with you here, can only be obtained later when we are a family forever. But I have found that one can be content with what God has given us. I am content Caleb. I am happier because I have fully allowed God to take control of our families life and path. I can no longer expect to be in control, for I am not; nor was I ever. How weird of me for thinking any differently, but how thankful I am to know in whom I trust. How thankful we are at this Thanksgiving time of year, to be given the gift of contentment.

How we ache for your presence again, the longing is sometimes unbearable, but through Christ, because of Christ, ALL will be made right.... we will see.... all will be made right.

=)Love Your Mommy

Fall Brings Falling Emotions

2011-10-25T12:12:00.001-07:00

Dear Caleb,

Fall still brings much uneasiness to my heart, and so much aching; as we enter into a new school year. Inside I am a mess; there is a continue flowing of tears that just never stop. I do not want to start another school year without you. It is so difficult to keep myself together these days. Fall used to be my favorite season, then it changed- becoming one of my most dreaded times of the year. Thankfully this year I was reminded by the Lord that there is one thing, one ray of hope that is given to me each Fall Season.... it is the blessed words of The leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; the Prophet Thomas S. Monson and the 12 Apostles. I always look forward to hear from them each General Conference. Their words bring so much peace to my aching and broken heart. I received much guidance and strength from them. I feel that I have a better firm map of life that will help keep me moving until 6 months from now, when we will hear from them again.
Fall time means birthday time for me. Before the accident I used to think how terrible it was to be getting older, that it was an embarrassing thing to tell people how 'Old' I really was. But my birthdays have become such a thing of JOY! I am SO glad to be getting older, that that means I have one more year done in this, my mortal life- making the gap closer to being with you again. I proudly told people how old I was, and how grateful I was to be getting older. I am so excited to be 80 years old, for my body will finally match my brain. I often get jealous of old people and think how lucky the are to be on their last leg, and how I wished we could switch shoes.
I think of these 80 year old people and think about the wonderful lives they have lived and all the things that they saw in their prime, and how things must seem so foreign to them today. All the technology, the pace of life, the way things work and run in this world.... how different it was for them in their day. And all their dear friends and family slowly leaving them into the next and better life, perhaps feeling like they are getting left behind to stay in a weird world that they can not keep up with nor understand. So when it is time for them to make the joyous move to be reunited, it comes as a welcomed visitor. For there is nothing better then being with family and friends..... truly Heaven is such a joyous place that should not be feared, but to be welcome with full open arms.
When I am having a difficult time and things are taking longer than desired, or feel like I can handle... I remind myself of the scripture in The Book of Mormon found in Alma 40:8, "All is as one day with God, and time is only measured unto men." And I tell myself over and over again, 'Time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men...' This helps me to stay firm and focused on God's will and timing for us as a family.
I woke up early on my birthday morning and drove to my favorite place on earth to go. It is the only place where I can feel of the loving, ever most comforting arms of the Lord around me. A place where you can not help but feel lifted when you leave. However, unfortunately this was not the case for me this time. I never thought that one could have an unpleasant experience in this amazing place. I left with a much heavier heart then what I came with. This month has just been difficult, just full of confusion of knowing God's will for us.... I get so puzzled at times, and think 'Why does God think we can handle this? This is so much bigger than anything I have ever been through.' The affect is not just temporary, it is permanent. The damage has been done, but I can not allow myself to think that it will always be like this... because it will not. Our joy Caleb, is coming in the morning. When Christ comes, he will bring healing in his wings. How truly, truly blessed we are to know the because of Christ ALL will truly be made right.
This is our hope. This is our Focus. For this is God's promise to us, and he ALWAYS keeps his promises. How we love him for that.
Since God's timing is different then ours, I will say to you our sweet boy... We will see you in the morning.

Love, Your Mommy.

Tribulation Worketh Patience

2011-09-24T15:51:00.001-07:00

Dear Caleb,

Going into your Second Angel Day, I felt like we were all alone, and on our own with dealing with all this grief and emotion by ourselves. I keep feeling like we had developed some kind of disease that caused others to keep their distance from us. After the accident I have to admit I did not like all the cards and flowers, etc simply because I did not want all this attention. I did not want to admit that I needed help. I did not want to admit that we were currently facing our One and only fear in this world. From then to now I have learned to MISS such tender reminders that we are still known and loved by God. That he hasn't forgotten us, because thankfully I have learned "that it is usually through others that he helps meet our needs." Said by a former prophet of our church, President Spencer W. Kimball. As again our heart were reminded of God love for us, for he sent SO many people our way to help us once again carry the weight of this difficult burden we have been carrying. I always stand corrected by his loving and so caring hand, which brings such peace to my heart and mind.
It's been a difficult recovery from last month's emotional events. I have had quite the emotional out of the blue hiccups that would just come in enormous waves. Your poor Father and siblings are so used to my randomness, that when the hiccups come, they loving look at me sigh and say, "Moms got the hiccups again." They are so good with just giving me space to let out my tears, how blessed we are Caleb to have such wonderful family who loves us. I have embarrassed myself a good many times this month with my hiccups. The other people that are so patient with me, and I feel sorry that they have to deal with my hiccups so much are the members of our church ward. They are so kind and loving, how blessed we are to have been placed in such a loving and understanding ward. Though I am sure that I am know as the lunatic of the ward with all these hiccups, but that is just fine. On top of all these hiccups I have received a new church calling in the ward. It was emotionally difficult for me to accept this one, AGAIN. For it is the same one that I had when you were with us in Nebraska. I feel obligated to do better this time around, for we both know that I failed it the first time. There is so much anxiety this time around that I am an emotional wreck with feeling like..... here I am again. Floods of memories constantly fill my mind, and bring much ache to my heart. Dad and I have been reading in Romans chapter Five. Oh how I love Paul. How I wish that I too could change my name to reflect my heart and be a reminder to myself of the old me and the new me. In verses 3-5 they say, "We glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulations worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience hope. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." Now it is truly through tribulations that gives us experience and knowledge of understanding of such things. For without it, we could not fulfill the very purpose of why we are here- for that is to become like God and be perfected in Christ. For we have only limited understanding without the blessings of tribulation, which opens our minds, in making room for more light and knowledge. In Romans 8: 24-26 it says, "For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope; for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Caleb so many of us pray for safely, pray for peace, pray to be kept out of harms way. So why is it that some are not given such things? It is simply because we do not know what to pray for. We think that these things are what we need, for truly it is God who knows what we need to learn and understand, especially when it comes time to be given further light and knowledge. One can shrug, as I did and sometimes still do, when one is stretched by unfavorable tribulations. I have come to better understand that, when tribulations come it is in that moment that we need to show our reverence and humility out to God, and say as Christ did, 'Thine will be done.' "For who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulations, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angles, nor principalities, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the Love of God, which is in Christ, Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:25-39.)
I am living proof that God's loving, merciful hand is continually stretched out always. It is ourselves that turn our backs on such loving and ever so capable hands. And yet his love is infinitely so tender and patient with our ever constant emotional hiccups. My newest thoughts are 'Bring it on!' "What shall we say to these? If God be for us, who can be against us?"(Romans 8:31) I welcome all these hiccup challenges, the accepting of the same church calling with being over cub scouts again, the selling of our special van that we bought with you in Nebraska... if anything good is going to come from any of this, it will be that us Mathison's ARE Finishers!!!

I love you,
Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers: How you would ALWAYS bite on your straws, and how it would driving everyone crazy when we were sharing a drink. (Tamara has now in honor of you started to do this.)
LIahona remembers: How you used to be afraid of fireworks, but on our last 4th of July together, you lit them all up for us.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to eat your eggs over easy the way dad would make them, because you like to poke the yellow yoke to make it run out and all over your plate.
Dad (Eric) remembers: How you would often wanted to put up our tent in the backyard to sleep in.

Butterfly Release Ceremony

2011-08-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

Caleb here we are with you celebrating your 2nd Angel Anniversary. Some Friends and Family gathered to be with us and you on the 25th. It was a beautiful evening, a great day for releasing butterflies in your honor.

Here is your trophy this year. We presented you with your missionary plaque, this being the end of you serving your Two Year mission. Most mother's get their sons back after they serve there 2 Year Mission, but I do not get such luxury. It truly was bitter sweet to award you with your missionary plaque. Nevertheless, we are proud of the hard missionary work that you are doing on the other side of the veil. We will hang your plaque with pride in your room, next to your other trophies; reminding us of your ever constant positive efforts that you are doing to serve on your mission.

This is what is engraved on your plaque, accompanied by a picture of you at your baptism with your Father all in white.

Caleb Luccas Mathison
Serving a Full Time Mission
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
2009- 2011
Team Angels

What will we do with the time that's left?

2011-08-25T13:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb, This video was made by your father last year. He did a great job. We hope that this video will help others to feel of your loving spirit, and the joy that you are. We are so proud of you.
Love your Mommy

(We ask that after viewing Caleb's video, to help keep the reverance on his blog, that you do NOT play any of the other U-tube viedos on the main menu. Thank you.)

Year Two (Dad)

2011-08-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,

I can’t believe it has only been two years that we have been separated from you. It feels more like an eternity. It is very difficult watching your siblings grow up without their big brother paving the way for them. You were such a great big brother and example to them and they miss you very much. I found myself looking at the clock many times yesterday and thinking what we would have been doing at that instant two years ago. I remember we had a great time during the day and I will always be grateful that I had the day off so we could spend it together as a family. I found myself thinking a lot about how different that day would have been if I had known how it was going to end up. Of course I would have done anything to keep you safe from harm but that was not our Heavenly Father’s will. So what would I have talked with you about if I had known that at the end of that day you would no longer be with us on this earth? How could I have taken 8 years and 2 months of love and concern for you plus the many years to come of things I would have love to have taught and shown you and fit it all into one day? I do not know everything I would have told you but I certainly would have expressed how much I love you, how proud I was of the person you were becoming, and that I am confident that one day we will see each other again and be together as a family.
Caleb you have taught us so much the last two years about perspective and what really matters in this life. There are so many things that beforehand I placed a lot of value in but no longer seem to matter. I have also learned a great deal about service. There have been so many great people that have demonstrated concern for us through acts of service. I’ve realized how important it is that we each become more aware of those around us and reach out through service. We all at certain points in our lives need help to overcome the trails and hardships we are faced with. Sometimes the help we need are simply words of encouragement. We fall short many times but are trying to be less selfish and a more service oriented family. Thank you Caleb for teaching us these things. Thank you for being the great big brother that you were to your siblings. Liahona and Tamara often share experiences and memories of you. I am amazed at how much you taught them in the time you were on this earth with them. We long for you to be with us and do not understand why things happened the way they did. We trust however, that our Heavenly Father does understand and so we accept his will and continue looking foreword to the day that we can be with you again. I love you very much Caleb.

Love, Your Dad

Truly We Are One (Mom)

2011-08-24T08:21:00.001-07:00

Dear Sweet Cay-bub,

This pain is running too deep this month. It hurts all the more this year then last. The pain is strong, the taste is bitter, the sorrow is undesirable; it is an awful glance of the depths of what eternal and very real despair is. But to allow myself to be in despair would mean that I would have to turn my back against God. And I don't dare, for he is the very thing keeping me together, it is his hand that is continually pulling me away from where this awful gloom resides- for there is no escaping it's terrible grasp without his strengthening, loving support.

It has been two years, this 24th and 25th. The memories of us on our way to the scout store are still so crisp on my mind. The weather so beautiful, the sky was blue, everything was going so well for our family that day... How fast things can change. I pushed myself to review the pictures and comments from the accident, of all that I could find online. I feel so nauseous, so sick to my stomach, so light headed, so dizzy with all these emotions pouring into my weak mortal body. And yet after reading all the comments that were posted on every news site I could find, I do not feel any bitterness or anger towards any one's opinion. I cannot expect anyone to understand what happened, when I don't even know myself. I have nothing but the words of Our Savior, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do," or in my words from my prayer, "Father forgive them for they know not what they say." Yes, they did not have all the details, nor the position of being in my shoes and knowing my heart of a loving mother, for no mother who loves her children would ever put them in harms way- but would graciously take the full hit, if it meant for their children to pass by unhurt. All I remembering was riding with you, talking about football, dodging a deer that ran in front of us on Old Cheney Road. You were sitting in the front passenger side because we did not have airbags so that was legal. You wanted to sit up there ever since you were 7 years old, but we felt that you should at least wait until you were 8 years old, so you would be bigger and taller. So being eight years old, you sat up in the front with me on our outing. It was only your second time up in the front seat, and we were enjoying our conversation and just being together. And then the next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. Even the police after 3 months didn't know what happened, for the citation was returned. Our check was never deposited, but was returned right back to us. We always wanted to meet up with that wonderful young man in the other car, Travis Robeson. I know that even 2 years later it's got to be hard for him, especially if we are still aching with grief.

If you Caleb, had to leave, I know the Lord came to get you with his loving arms taking you instantly. You had so many people pulling for you on both sides of the veil, I often wonder if there was a small counsel to determine what was truly best for you. You have such an amazing support group still pulling for you today- there is so much love in their hearts. To be separated from those that we love causes such miserable aching, and longing on the very heartstrings of our hearts. Why did you take the whole blunt for us Caleb, that was suppose to be my role. I am just suppose to kiss your boo boos and put cute band aids on them so they heal and go away. You took everything!! It is a blessing to know that you are not suffering. Every time I get out of bed, I see that I have been give all the extensions of my limbs, and I think... how is that possible, unless you worked out a deal with God to spare me. I have reverenced my body in a way that I have never done before. To be given a second chance when you did not, I feel I am living my life with you. It is ours, we are one, our work on both sides of the veil are connected: We serve, we love, we forgive, and we know in whom we have to thank- for the promises to be an eternal family, to see and be together again; it is because of our Savior Jesus Christ. What a glorious plan of happiness of Father in Heaven created for us.

We live on strong because of you, of your example, of your selfless sacrifice for our family. Such beautiful examples you have left behind for us, there being only one other that has made such a strong sacrifice for our family; Jesus Christ. Our fight as a family is ever so strong, we know in what and why we live- it is to be found worthy to be together. Nothing compares to this our goal and righteous desire of our hearts. The sorrow, the pain, the aching, the longing pushes us onward. Thank goodness that your father and I got married in the Temple of the Lord, the only place in which we can be promised to be together forever, and not just til death do us part.
Thank goodness for temples and the priesthood of God that binds and seals families together.
We have been promised that if we stay strong, that these blessings can truly be ours.

We so love you Caleb.
We will not let you down, not after all that you have done to help keep our family together, you have done more than your share, we will do the rest.

=)Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers: How you liked to play the car card game called Millie Bornes.
Liahona remembers: That you told her when you were in Public School Kindergarten that you had to color within the lines.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to make lists: List for what to do that day, List for what sport to play, Lists for all who would play with you...
Dad (Eric) remembers: How good you were with setting up your electronics to get things to turn on and work; you would rarely need adult help.

13 months old

2011-08-23T09:15:00.001-07:00

You were 13months on Aug 23, 2002.
You were doing.......
You were saying......
(to be filled in later)

...I will ease your burdens...

2011-07-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,
Oh sweet Caleb, Caleb, Caleb... my heart aches miserably inside for you, for us; for the desire of having all to be made right. I am not ready for next month, I am dreading it with every ounce of fiber in my being. Yet, I know it will come nevertheless. So I might as well accept the fact and prepare this broke heart of mine, that I may not impede the progress and growth that the Lord has for us. It doesn't make this situation any easier though, it is just a choice one has to make to continue to move forward. For without knowing the bitter, we could not understand the sweet.

As a family we went to Montana, to the family property that we haven't been back too since you were with us. You were 5, Liahona was 4, and Tamara was 2 last time that we went there as a family. It was hard but enjoyable to be back there; where you can feel close to family on both sides of the veil. It is a place of reverence and love. I feared that I wouldn't be able to handle the 2 week trip away from home, but the Lord granted me strength and help so that I could feel of his love; allowing me to be content and not hindering with building new family memories- seeing that this was Montey's first time being there. I took so many pictures to bring that sacred place home with us. It truly was a joy of a trip.

While I was up there at the family property I reading the Book of Mormon, in Mosiah chapter 24, it was a time when the people of the Lord and Alma their prophet, was being ruled by a wicked leader named Amulon. He told the people of God that they could not pray out loud to their God or else he would kill them; but the people didn't stop praying, they continued to pray in their hearts for help and for deliverance from bondage. In verses 13 through15 it says, "And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully with patience to all the will of the Lord."

This scripture truly was written to help me to see more clearly. Though our burden is not with the physical burden of wicked leaders; ours is in: this temporary separation, heat ache, depression, guilt, and disappointment. The Lord granted ease to Alma and his people because of their love and devotion to God whom lives above. These are they who have entered into the waters of baptism, creating a covenant; meaning a two way promise. I took comfort as I re-read, "I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me: and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage." You, Dad, Liahona, and I have entered into this covenant. And I know that the Lord is strongly aware of our devotion to do his will, and because of that, I know that he has stretched forth his merciful loving arm towards us; to bring us ease. People have told us that trough 'time' things will get better, but I have come to understand it differently. It is not that through time things get better on their own; it is through time that we come to understand and learn that we can actually live with this unwanted burden. It is not because of our strength that we are able to make things better, because that is impossible; there is nothing within ourselves to change the outcome of the past. It is because of Christ that allows us to be lifted on higher ground, even when the circumstances are unfavorable.

This is our final test of all, to do as the people of Alma did; "They did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." Elder Neal A Maxwell, a former member of the 12 apostles said, "Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best- better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God's omniscience, as if, as some seem to believe, God were on some sort of postdoctoral fellowship..." Knowing that our burden has been made light, we cannot but rejoice in the Lord; For truly we are slowly being brought out of our bondage. I just pray that, we as a family, may wait with patience on the Lord, with obtaining the desires of our hearts- in being an eternal family.

Much Loves to you Buddy Boy,
Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers, how You loved to play with your squirt guns and spray bottles; especially with your sisters.

Liahona remembers, how You always wanted a pet snake.

Mom remembers, how You liked to play bowling with plastic cups and a small rubber ball.

Dad remembers, how You would often talk him into jumping on the trampoline with you.

"Still Moving"

2011-06-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,

My heart can hardily contain all these feelings and emotions. I try to put on a smiling face for everyone, but inside I am such a wretched mess. Especially with yesterday being your 10th Birthday, and today being the 24th. Sometimes I just want to cry and cry, and when I do, there is just no stopping those tears. Usually it's when I am on my knees pleading for the Lords' help, or when I recognize a tender mercy from the Lord- helping us to feel of his love for us. Like when I was putting your Birthday video together, I couldn't seem to find your 7 year old birthday pictures anywhere in all the files we had saved on the computer. I said a prayer to find it and literally when I sat back down at the computer those pictures of yours popped up on the screen.... tears just flowed with gratitude for his tender mercies with helping us put that together for you.

There is an old conference talk from 2004 that I came across the other day. By Sister Clegg who was the second counselor in the Primary Presidency at that time, she talked about the importance to "Keep Moving." She said, "My husband’s great-grandfather Henry Clegg Jr. was a finisher. He joined the Church with his family when the first LDS missionaries went to Preston, England. Henry had a view of his destination in his mind as he and his wife, Hannah, and their two young boys immigrated to Utah. Henry left his older parents, who were too feeble to make such a long and arduous journey, knowing he would never see them again.

While crossing the plains, Hannah contracted cholera and died. She was laid to rest in an unmarked grave. The company then moved on, and at six in the evening, Henry’s youngest son also died. Henry retraced his steps to Hannah’s grave, placed his young son in his wife’s arms, and reburied the two of them together. Henry then had to return to the wagon train, now five miles away. Suffering from cholera himself, Henry described his condition as being at death’s door while realizing he still had a thousand miles to walk. Amazingly he continued forward, putting one foot in front of the other. He stopped writing in his journal for several weeks after losing his dear Hannah and little son. I was struck with the words he used when he did start writing again: “Still moving.”

What makes us, our family to "Keep Moving," especially when it seems so hard and impossible. What makes The Church of Jesus Christ so special to help one get through difficult circumstances? Why is this church so different then other churches? Caleb, I will tell you why. But first let me explain that being born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints, I did not understand why. I was good with observing all the outward appearances of being a good Member of the church. But honestly, I can tell you that I truly was not converted until after the accident, in which many call being saved. In the Book of Mormon 2 Nephi chapter 25 verses 23 and 26 says, "For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethern, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." "And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." But for me Caleb, on this journey that our family is on, finding our own finish to our story, it is a dire need to be saved everyday, not just once.

So why does my affiliation to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints seem to be more intense then ever before? We are taught that Our Father in Heaven created a beautiful plan for us, to come to earth, receive a body, and to prove faithful in our love for him in this life, and we will be blessed with a royal crown on high- to come dwell with him. But what about our families that we have grown to love and cherish while in this earthly life? To leave them behind when one moves on to the next life, is a sore and painful heartbreak. We are taught that when one is married in the Holy Temples of the Lord, we are married not just for time here on earth but for ALL eternity. And we are promised and blessed that all the children that we help bring down to earth will be ours for time on earth, and for all eternity too.

Back in August 2009, right before the accident I prayed that I would gain a stronger understanding of the temples of the Lord. I knew they were important, but I didn't understand exactly why. When we were in Nauvoo after your baptism, remember when Grandma and Grandpa Mathison were watching you, so Dad and I could attend the temple there in Nauvoo- well I prayed that I would gain a stronger understanding of the temple. And then the next week came the accident. For the longest time I thought it was all my fault for praying for such a thing- my mother always told me to be careful what you pray for because you just might get it. And she was right. It has been a bitter journey for our family without you here. But because of Christ's atoning sacrifice for us, he truly has made all things possible. The promises in the temple, to be an eternal family is our one and only Hope in this life and in the next- this is what we fight for, to be worthy to receive this promised blessing someday. The one righteous burning desire of our hearts, to be a complete family again, to be whole- in being an eternal family. This is why we can tell people that we are "Still Moving."

How much we love the Lord, our Savior for making all things to be made right someday. And for our Father in Heaven who has blessed us with Holy Temples to create Eternal Families, where one can always have Hope. I call Temples a symbol of God's love for us, his children. Oh how he is truly mindful of our needs, both temporal and eternal.

Happy 10th Birthday Caleb. We are truly thankful for your obedience and willingness to answer the call to serve on the other side of the veil. Thank you for pointing our family towards these Holy Temples, and to come unto Christ. What a blessing you have been to our family from the beginning, thank you for your patience with us. We are trying our best to catch up, please don't loosen your slack on us now.

We Love You,
Love Your Mommy

Tamara's newest memory is that she remembers trying to find where Gus (our hamster) was burried in their Nebraska sandbox in the back yard. Her and Caleb kept digging up sand to try to find Gus, because they missed him, but they could never find him.

Liahona's newest memory is that she remembers that her and Caleb came up with the idea to clean up the whole house. Caleb came up to her and said Let's pick up this room for mom and dad. And she said That's a good idea, but let's pick up the whole house. And Caleb said YEAH! And then they ran downstairs to the white board and drew out their plans.

Mom (Tanya) remembers How Caleb liked sleeping on the twin air mattress and how he liked to bounce around on it.

Dad (Eric) remembers How Caleb loved to go bowling as a family. And how excited he would get when he would knock all the pins down to get a strike or spare.

12months old

2011-06-23T07:50:00.001-07:00

On June 23, 2002:

You were walking. You were climbing. You were pulling off all the books on the bookshelf. You were always holding rocks. you were always wanting to play ball. you were enjoying your new little sister Little Miss, is what we first called her.
You were always wanting to hug and kiss her, which was awfully cute but it would make her cry because you were still learning how to be soft. You were still waking up often throughout the nights.

(pictures to come.)

Happy 10th Birthday Caleb

2011-06-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

(Thank you Julie for sending us this song, it has been perfect for our hearts with making Caleb's birthday memory video.)

Happy Pirate Birthday Caleb, the girls thought you would like to have a pirate party this year so we are, in honor of you.
We hope you can feel our love for you today as we celebrate with you.
We Love You, Love Your Family

My One Last Bitter Cry

2011-05-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,

I have just finished my second round of Mother's Day without you, and your Dad and siblings tried so hard to make it such a nice day, with hugs and kisses, cards and gifts... but once again it was a bitter and very difficult go around. I was relieved when they didn't have the primary children sing to us mother's at church. Instead they had the Dad's, which sounded so lovely that it took away my tears and made me laugh, which was perfect. However, I did choke up a few times because it wasn't just the Dad's that got up to sing, it was all the primary boys too. I thought I could See you standing next to your Dad, and could hear your sweet voice singing. Your voice is still so familiar to me that I can hear you sing when your favorite songs are played... and this was one of those. They sang the song, "Mother, I Love You."
"Mother I love you, Mother I do.
Father in Heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you, I love to hear you.
Singing so softly that you love me too.
Mother I love you, I love you, I do."
This was one of those sweet songs that you would sing around the house. It always made me smile when I would hear you singing this song as you cleaned your room, took a bath, or played outside. So I wanted to thank you Caleb for letting me hear your voice again as you got up to sing with your Daddy.

Our church building has the exact same floor plan as our church building in Nebraska. So throughout the meeting, when the tears would start to swell, I went to the same place that I did last year on Mother's Day... in the kitchen to be alone to cry. I cried such bitter tears from my broken heart. I thought I could handle going to church this time on Mother's Day but I was wrong, I was still carrying my guilt and disappointment in myself for not being a better mother to protect you, as mother's are suppose to do.

The whole week leading up to Mother's Day, my body started throwing yet another tantrum- which placed me in another huge depression wave! Making my limbs heavy so I could hardly get out of bed, fatigue kicked in and lasted throughout the whole day. I was getting up to 12 and half hours of sleep in a day- with going to bed as early at 6:30pm and sleeping in til 8:30am. I just wanted to sleep all the time- I had no energy to do anything, nor did I feel like doing anything but cry and sleep.

I was reading the words from Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the 12 apostles he said, " It is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something. Desires dictate our priorities, Priorities shape our choices, and Choices determine our actions." The day before Mother's Day I was talking to my sister April, I was telling her that I was tired of being so tired all the time. I knew that I needed to do something for I was caught in a terrible depression. My sister said that I needed to get my blood flow going, and try to get my body moving. I told her working out was the last thing that I would want to do, especially when I had no energy to do it. But she lovingly persisted that, that is what would help pull me through this tsunami depression wave.

Dallin H Oaks from his talk on Desire from this April Conference, continued to say, "The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving and our becoming. This is a power of an overriding desire on priorities and on actions." I knew that if wanted to beat this depression wave- for me, for my marriage, for my family, that I had to move fast. So, I made to choice to get my body moving, forcing to sleep less, staying active during the day with little or no naps, and try to get my body up and moving to workout in our garage gym with Daddy before he goes off to work each morning. I feel like crying every time I sit on my cycling bike and rower, it is so hard on my body, but I know it is what I need to do to keep from giving in.

After a day of bitter tears on Mother's Day, I got on my knees to say my morning prayer, and I received this amazing clear perspective that I was ready to give the Lord the rest of my heart that i have been holding back from being healed-I was ready to Forgive myself. To say that I have truly trusted in him would be wrong. I wasn't completely trusting is his will, I still was wanting to hold back a small piece; wishing, hoping that somehow by chance, we could have everything back the way it was, hoping to get our miracle, which some people seem to get. But by doing this, it has only caused more pain and heartache. I finally felt that I was at a breaking point and tired of carrying this 10% which has been greatly sore on my heart and body.
I said to Heavenly Father, that I felt that I was ready to give the rest of this trial into His loving hands: the weight of guilt that I have been carrying the for so long, the idea of just being so upset with myself for not being a better mom, the frustrations of not doing better in protecting my son, and the feelings that I am not deserving of any love- of which I have been punishing myself since the accident. For me to take on this load of being responsible, was only a loving gesture of a loving earthly mother- but it was not mine to do. It was a gift from Father in Heaven to help us to see things more clearly. The responsibility, honor, and glory goes to the one who is All knowing, and Has no end, and knows what is the best thing for us. Caleb the most amazing thing happened once I was able to finally express and mean it, that I was ready to forgive myself, I was immediately relieved from my severe body aches and pains, and a smile was on my face the whole day. It had finally made sense in my mind that if this truly WAS Heavenly Father's path for us to learn to come unto him, then he MUST have the way for us to come up on top at the end. I am afraid that I have taken this life way too seriously, yes life is important, but we don't live for this life, we live to qualify for the next.

I am feeling better equipped to handling these next difficult months June your birthday and August your angel anniversary. Though this has not been what I expected life to be for our family nor our lot in life, yet, however, it has been exactly what our family has needed to pull together- to sift out the dross of our lives, and to focus on the promised blessings of eternal life and to become an eternal family.

Though our hears are still broken, we take great comfort in knowing that because of Christ All will be made right.
I am still having a very difficult time answering the question, "How are you doing?" If I say, "Fine, or good", I am lying to myself. If I answer honestly, "Terrible, unhappy," people look at me like I am a weirdo. So I do not answer about me, I answer with the "H"ope that we have in Christ. I say, "Because of Christ I am well, How about you?" I feel it is the only right answer to testify of my love for him, and his hand that we have literally seen in our lives- for without him we would be nothing.

Caleb thank you for serving so faithfully on your mission, it is truly a blessing to our family. We hope our actions show you our love by serving with you- by bring much glory and honor to our Father in Heaven, expressing our gratitude for his many tender mercies that he has given to us as a family.

We Love You More Than Words Can Express, Our Buddy Boy!
Love Your Mommy

Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to play line tag with her and Liahona. He even taught Grandpa Brooks how to play Line Tag with them when he came to visit while he was in Chicago for work.
Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to make his own books and would say, "Who wants to check out a book?" And how he would also try to sell his books for .5, .10, and .25 And how he always wanted to make his own library.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb would get upset if we had water to go with our dinners instead of juice. He would say, "Is that water? I don't want water!"
Dad (Eric)remembers how Caleb liked playing church. He would make a talk, get songs to sing, scriptures out to read and sacrament prepared. Then he would gather everyone together and he would conduct give the prayer have everyone sing, give the talk, read from scriptures, pass out the sacrament, and have everyone sing another song.

11 months old

2011-05-23T08:55:00.001-07:00

On May 23rd, 2002
You were 11 months old.

You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......

(Soon to be filled in.)

The Season of Easter

2011-04-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,

Recently, I am finding myself to be weighed down with emotions again- though I should been filled with joy from the promise of the blessings that this Easter Season brings. Our Prophet Thomas S Monson shared this about the Savior, he said, " His example points the way. When faced with temptation, He shunned it. When offered the world, He declined it. When asked for His life, He gave it."
There is NO other season that brings more Hope and gives a sense of Joy to be, as in this Easter Season. A former member of the 12 Apostles, Joseph B Wirthlin said, "Our work here is but a shadow of greater and unimaginable things to come." I look forward to that soon to be Joy so much that I have a very difficult time living this now. I get so impatient and so anxious just to have our family be together again. This temporary separation is so heavy on the heart, and yet I am grateful each day to have this pain because it keeps our family focused and keeps us working harder each day to be worthy of such a grand reward- with being an Eternal Family. It keeps me from falling into the comforts of this world, as I have done so many times before in the past. As is says in 2Nephi 28: 20-21 that so many of us will do this in these Last Days, it says, "At that day shall (the devil) lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well- and thus the devil cheateth their souls." How grateful I am to know better than to say All is Well. Only through Christ will ALL be made well and right. My broken heart rejoices to know that ALL can be made right again, that we can be together again Caleb. It is my only sole focus and goal in this my mortal probation. Any other goals and desires do NOT come close to the drive that I have for us as an Eternal Family. I cannot afford to bring more failure to our family, nor do I ever want to look you in the eyes with regret of what I knew I should have done, but did not. In the musical 'The Music Man' is says, "Live only for tomorrow, and you will have a lot of empty yesterdays." I unfortunately fall into this category. I focus so much on the future with the joy and peace that will come...though I think it is okay at times to do, being a strong remedy to help me keep my focus and to move forward- but it is also my downfall. Just to focus on the future could hurt our family now, keeping that balance is so difficult to do- especially when my broken heart longs to be mended, with being complete as a whole family again. Our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson said, "Your mind is a cupboard, and you stock the shelves." I have so many shelves stuffed with ideas, thoughts, hopes, joys of the future that over powers shelves that I need to use for today. Caleb, I know what I need to do, I know that I need to help our family by helping your siblings now- Here on earth with Dad and I, so that we all can be found worthy to come home, and be together. I really like the words from President Gordon B HInckley, he said, "As we train a new generation, so will the world be in a few years. If you are worried about the future, then look to the upbringing of your children." I do worry so much about our future as a family, but if I follow the counsel of our former Prophet, by focusing on helping Liahona, Tamara, and Montey now, that our future will be made right, that things will work out in the end. I know that our family will have our Happily Ever After Ending someday- though it may take longer than what I would want it to be, but if we can hold out strong, because of Christ ALL will be made right. Our prophet Thomas S Monson said, "We cannot afford to be complacent. We live in perilous times. May we ever follow the Prince of Peace, Who literally showed the way for us to follow, for by doing so, we will survive these turbulent times." Each New day I am so determined to live better, to be better, that I may help our family succeed with what has been allotted to us. We can and WILL do all that is required of us. Our love is too strong to fail us. We So Greatly Love You Buddy Boy.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to go fishing in the frog pond behind our house in Nebraska. He would get out his fishing pole from the garage and put it together and take it in the backyard to the pond, but he never caught anything. But almost did once says Liahona, she thought it was a baby fish.
Liahona remembers that every time Caleb would sleep in the girls room for Friday Night, Sleepover night, He would jump off the top bunk onto the floor piled with blankets and pillows. And he would say, "You gotta try that! It was Fun!"
Mom(Tanya) remembers how Caleb always wanted to listen to the 'Move It, Move It' song from Madagascar. Plus he loved to switch to the 'Alex on Spot' from Madagascar 2 on playlist.com
Dad(Eric) remembers how Caleb did NOT like germs. And how he wouldn't ever have to remind Caleb to wash his hands because he would always remember to do it himself, all on his own.

10 months old

2011-04-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

On April 23rd, 2002
You were 11 months old.

You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......

(Soon to be filled in.)

I Cannot Say The Smallest Part

2011-03-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,

"I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.” (Alma 26:16.) This has been my feelings for this whole month, as I have been taking notes on myself and writing down my thoughts in my journal; this month has been very overwhelmingly difficult for me. I started off some what ok, then I just turned into this emotional ball of mess. Caleb I have to be honest with you, I scare myself sometimes. That may sound weird but honestly when I get these uncontrollable outbreaks, it's almost like I am watching myself and thinking I got to stop this person they are out of control, but I can't. Thankfully this one outbreak/ temper tantrum is over. And thankfully they are becoming less frequent, but it got me thinking why are these happening? After each awkward, unfun, outbreak leaves me super exhausted! I finally came to the realization I get these outbreaks because I am fighting against myself. It's as if My Body and My Spirit are constantly at battle one against another, causing much havoc within myself and for those around me. My Body and Mind constantly want to give into these emotions and to be angry with everything that I do not have that others get it have; angry that others have received the miracles that they wanted and I did not; angry that others received warnings to prevent unfavorable situations and I did not..... these emotions are so wearing on my heart.
But my spirit, oh My Spirit reminds me that Our Father is Real, and blesses us with constant tender mercies to help us get through, day by day. My Spirit reminds me that I am not alone with my heartache, that my older brother Jesus Christ knows them well- for he has felt them. My spirit reminds me that through Christ, ALL will be made right. My Spirit reminds me that I know the gospel is true, that Our Father's ways are greater than ours, for his knowledge is perfect.....

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in the First Presidency of the church said, " To me it appears that our splendid sisters sometimes undervalue their abilities- they focus on what is lacking or imperfect rather than what has been accomplished and who they really are. This can lead to the innate desire to please the Lord to the best of your ability. Unfortunately, it can also lead to frustration, exhaustion, and unhappiness." This statement has my name written all over it. I do tend to focus on the lacking and the imperfect in my life, in our family's life, but it has caused a burning need, an incredible hunger for the words of Christ to strengthen my soul. Yet on the other hand it has caused me much anguish in body- with much unhappiness, for that is all that I am allowing myself to see life with. Caleb, I know that I must be making progress and moving forward, but I just don't see it, nor feel it at times. I feel like I am just hitting the same walls over and over again- being unable to break them down to progress forward. Liahona said quite a profound thing again the other day. We were at the store and she had her quarters to get something from the quarter machines, but it didn't work. So we had to go to the Customer Service counter to get her quarters back. In the car she said she was half sad because she got her quarters back but didn't get her toy that she wanted. I said, yes kind of like how we feel with Caleb gone, we are half sad. She stopped and looked up at me and said, no mom, you can be 1/4 sad and 3/4 happy because we are all still here together. Caleb, this has been my new focus to just be 1/4 unhappy, as I am trying to figure out how to be 3/4 happy.

"Therefore my (daughter), see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye receive your reward; yea ye shall have mercy restored unto you again; ye shall have righteous judgement restored unto you again; and ye shall have good rewarded unto you again.
For that which ye do send out shall return unto you again, and be restored." (Alma 41: 14-15)
I know from this scripture that in order to receive the blessed desires of my heart that I must show the Lord through my choices each day that I trust in his omnipotent hand.
From this scripture I can see how important it was for Christ to be our Savior, to help all to be restored, for all to be made right. It is the Only way that this can ever happen. And how important it was for the gospel to be restored and brought back on the earth through the Prophet Joesph Smith. I can rejoice knowing that because we allowed God our Eternal Father to take you out of this world and sending you home- that you Caleb, will return unto us again; And you shall be restored unto us again, that all will be made right.

"I will say that amid all the trials and tribulations we had to wade through, the Lord who well knew our infantile and delicate situation, vouchsafed for us a supply of strength and granted us line upon line of knowledge- here a little and there a little." -Joseph Smith
Elder Richard G. Scott a member of the 12 apostles recently said, "Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow. Character is not developed in moments of great challenge, for that is when it is intended to be used." It is hard to be struggling with what just seems to come so natural to others- living each day. Elder Richard G. Scott continued with, " Life may seem difficult now, but hold on." To hold on when my body is so weak, it almost seems impossible, but thankfully my spirit is strengthen through Christ which has prevented me from easing up on my grip.
I cannot loose sight of this focus and truth. If I don't keep my focus it is as if I am saying that I don't trust that God our Father and Jesus Christ can do all that they have promised. I DO know that all things are possible through and with them, that I know that their promises are sure. And if we are found worthy, we as a family can be granted the desires of our hearts, to be an eternal family and to be with you, Caleb- to come home and live with Our Heavenly Father and Our Savior Jesus Christ again.

"My life is but a weaving,
Between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Of times He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride;
Forget that He seeth the upper,
And I the underside.

Not til the loom is silent,
And the shuttles cease to fly;
Shall God unroll the canvas,
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful,
In the weaver's skillful hand;
As the threads of gold and silver,
In the pattern he has planned.

-Al Bryant

Our Love Intensifies as we move forward, and our Longing ever grows so strong- to see and be with you, we only hope will come so soon.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers walking in and through the frog pond with Caleb, and how the pond water was getting into their shoes.

Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would sing "We'll Bring the World his Truth" and say instead, "We'll bring the world his True."

Mom (Tanya) remembers that Caleb's 1st Chapter book was a Cam Jensen book, called, "The Missing Dinosaur Bone." He loved these books.

Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb liked to throw rocks into the rivers or lakes.

9 Months Old

2011-03-23T19:27:00.001-07:00

On March 23rd, 2002
You were 11 months old.

You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......

(Soon to be filled in.)

Feelings Of A Tender Heart

2011-02-24T08:02:00.001-08:00

Dear Caleb,

The feelings of my heart have been so tender this past month. As a family we have fulfilled our promise to you and your siblings, to take you guys to Disneyland, once daddy finished his school in Nebraska. It was one of the most difficult trips to go on. I prayed that we would feel the Lord's hand to help make this trip go well, and that we would feel of your excitement and joy. It was suppose to rain the whole time we were there, but weeks before, I prayed for a miracle that the rains would hold long enough for us to do all that we came to do. It poured rain as we got there and got to our hotel, and all night long. But once we woke up the sun was shinning, and all day long we were able to do day 1 of our family outing with nice weather. I kept saying "Thank you Heavenly Father", after I would say, "It is such a nice day." On day two, it was sunny again and we got finished with everything at 3pm in the afternoon and then the rains came down. It was not a coincidence, as some would think. I knew that Heavenly Father was helping us to have nice weather, for it was his was of telling us that he loved us, and wanted us to have a successful and happy trip as a family, as we are trying to build those memories as a family again. Tears filled my eyes as I expressed again in my heart, of my Gratitude for his hand, in keeping the weather good- just long enough for us to do all that we came to do. I was filled with so much joy in my heart, as I was able to recognize this tender mercy that the Lord had given to our family. This trip was healing for us, even to the point that when the rain did come, it did not ruin the rest of the evening. We just put on our ponchos and played some more as a family. This was the biggest highlight of the whole trip for me Caleb. Seeing and Having the help of an All knowing Father in Heaven helping us, even when we are on vacation. To be reminded that he is aware of what we need, even before we ask for it. I feel that with everything that I am truly indebted to him, and almost guilty, for I think am I really worthy of such love? I feel I owe him and you and the family so much, after everything. I am so cautious with my actions, I do not dare bring more upon our family, and yet I still fail to live my expectations each day. I so easily get upset with myself if I can't make the best of each day, with being better, and keeping that eternal perspective in all that I do, say, and act.

I cannot let my heart fail me, as my mind does oh so much. My current prayer is that I plead to Father that he will help my heart to not fail me, that my faith and focus will stay strong. That I will not be distracted or allow myself to be comforted by the things of this world. The only true and lasting comfort is in the arms of our Savior, our brother who knows the very pain and heartaches that we carry because he has felt them. The word enduring is not one for the faint of heart. Some days I think to myself, "I am gonna crack, I am gonna crack...." Trying to keep it together day after day after day, can be so wearing on the heart. A well loved apostle of the Lord, Neal A. Maxwell said this about enduring, "By taking Jesus' yoke upon us enduring, we learn most deeply of him and especially how to be like him. Even though our experiences are mirco compared to his, the process is the same." No one every 'wants' to have change whether it be big or small, it can be a scary thing; even the Lord was scared when that bitter cup was held up to him- but unlike us, he was willing to partake. The Apostle Paul said in Hebrews 12:11, "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yielded the peaceable fruit of righteousness." I look to my Savior now, he is happier beyond measure. Those moment of grief and pain were but a moment and now he will have eternal joy and rest. Caleb, so why does this 'small' moment seem so long already, when we still have much left to do here? Everyday, it is the same, I see myself and my life but I feel like I am watching it- it does not seem real. This alternate life without you with us is so awkward. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to think, I don't know how to just be. I am just not getting it, it is so confusing of what to do next, I am completely dumbfounded of how to move with this world, and with it's pace.

I was reading more of Elder Maxwell's talk about enduring and this comment really stood out to me, he said, "If certain mortal experiences were cut short, it would be like pulling up a flower to see how the roots are doing. Put another way, too many anxious openings of the oven door, and the cake falls instead of rising. Moreover, enforced change usually does not last, while productive enduring can ingrain permanent change." I know it's not my time, that would be the easy way out, nor would I get to learn all that is entrusted to me to learn. For those reasons I know that to be here with your dad and siblings is where I need to be, but this enduring.... I'll tell you it is some bitter work. Of which I hope someday will change to sweetened joy, that I may only cry evermore with tears of joy and happiness.

Elder Maxwell also said, "Endurance is more than a pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstances; it is not only acceptance of the things allotted to us, it is to 'act for ourselves' (Alma 29:3,6) by magnifying what is allotted to us." It is easy to go up and down with the emotions, cuz that just naturally happens on it's own, but to accept it and to turn it into a positive, now that is the tricky part. I'll have to be honest with you Caleb, I have yet to find out how to make that work? How do I magnify with what has been given to us? I am determined though, to figure it out. This will not be wasted time, but it will be full of purpose, of which I hope comes soon. I think others see that we are at point A and soon with 'time' we will be at point B and things will get easier, but Elder Maxwell said this truthful statement, "True endurance represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul- and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z." We have our eyes on that Z like no other. We know that it is going to be a long one, and we are holding on tight for the long hold.

Even as Elder Maxwell said, "...When we are being tossed about by the surf of circumstance, even when a seeming under tow grasps us, somehow in the tumbling, we are being carried forward, though battered and bruised." I literally do not know how we manage to move forward, as people tell us, "Wow, I could not do that, how do you keep moving forward?" The only answer that comes to my mind is, that we truly are being carried, because we literally could not do it on our own.

But from all this experience it has given me quite the sense and desire to find others who's hearts are broken and downtrodden like mine. I have felt the sense of the magic peace of healing that comes from mourning with those that mourn, and comforting those that stand in need of comfort- for it helps comfort my own tender heart. Just like Elder Maxwell said, "When, for the moment, we ourselves are not being stretched on a particular cross, we ought to be at the foot of someone Else's- full of empathy and proffering spiritual refreshment."

All this sorrow and ache has caused my mind to be opened and broadened, giving my heart much yearning for that greater joy, that I would have not been able to have space or room for in the past. But now, it has caused me to have much, much, much more to be looking forward to: to learn, to experience, to receive the greatest joy there in- Eternal Life, and being an Eternal Family. Some days I think, the Lord must really trust our family to be given this, but I know that just as Christ was given his bitter cup to drink from, so must we. I am just hoping that we can say like Christ our Savior on the cross, "It is finished." Christ was the best finisher, the best example of accepting the bitter cup, and acting appropriately after. Even with our much, much smaller scale of our cup, I hope that as a family we can say, "It is finished. We did all that you Lord, had for us to do and learn. It is done." I am so grateful for the scriptures to be reminded after all that happens in our lives that, 'The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?' (D&C 122:8) I know that we are not, and never will be, so we drink and partake with honor- and carry it boldly for the Lord, to show our Love and Respect for him and what he has done for us. For he, our Brother, has made it possible for ALL TO BE MADE RIGHT. Caleb, I know this to be true will all the fiber of my being.

We love you so much Caleb, this work is tough, but as a family- We Can Do It.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers at bedtime after scripture and prayer how Caleb started the game, hide from dad. And dad would find them and then carry them all to bed.

Liahona remembers how Caleb loved to play out in the rain.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how self motivated Caleb was, when he wanted to do something, like; ride his bike. he would quickly accomplish it.

Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb loved to watch the wipe out show with him.

8 Months Old

2011-02-23T09:55:00.001-08:00

On February 23, 2001, You were 8 months old.

.You loved to crawl around our apartment in Spokane Washington. Dad was in Nursing school, and took much of his time, plus he worked at Holy Family Hospital after school and doing night shifts on the weekends. We walked to friendship park a lot near the apartment, you loved the swings. Our apartment was on the first floor and we had a nice patio where you liked to pick up rock after rock and throw them, and even try to eat them.

.You loved to play in the little water pool that I filled with different things, like: dirt, rice, shredded paper, flour (but never with water because I was too afraid you would drown). And you did quite well for the most part keeping these things out of your mouth. You just love the feel of different things and I didn't mind letting you get dirty and explore this world.

.You were a super fun baby at this age. You didn't have colic and scream all the time, but you still woke up at night often.
.But the biggest thing that you loved to do was pull out all my books on our small book shelf. That would keep you entertained for hours, as long as i kept reshelving it after you pulled everything out.

The Love of a Father in Heaven

2011-01-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Caleb,
Here we are in a New Year, the year 2011. It brings much uneasiness to me knowing that we get to start another one- though I am determined to make this year a better use of my borrowed time from the Lord.

Last year I could not have told you if I had strong enough faith to keep me from falling apart with grief and a broken heart. The pain was so strong that I thought I would suffer eternally from all the effects of it's nasty grip. There were so many times that I had to ask myself, "If there was a God who loved us, WHY on earth would he let this happen to us? Weren't we good people? Weren't we living a decent life that would please him?" I could not believe that this ALL loving Father in Heaven that I have been taught as a child would purposely cause pain to our lives. I knew that couldn't be so, but I couldn't help but feel then, that maybe if we would have done better or been better, then he would have loved us more and stopped what had happened.

I have better come to know that I really did NOT understand the true nature of God's Love for me, and for all his children. Our Father in Heaven "Maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." (Matthew 5:45) Caleb, I know that our Father Loves us with much greatness in his heart, and he does not send us this to cause us grief. Just like in Hebrews12:6 says, "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth." This experience has caused us to pause in ALL things in life, and to look at life in a different perspective... out of survival towards the Lord. To receive escape from the awful jaws of darkness, of anger, of depression, the thoughts of hurting oneself, the confusion... oh the confusion of the inner conflict between body and soul. Having to experience that, the unknown, is what we really were scared of- And where to go from there? At those moments, in those moments- where can one really turn to for "Real" relief? Who can possibly be strong enough to help one emerge from that torment of inner conflict.

Caleb, oh sweet Caleb, words cannot describe effectively of how I have finally and truly tasted of the goodness, from The One, the only one who truly knows my aches and pains. These have weighted me down in misery for so long. I can now finally sing that inner song of Redeeming Love. All this chastening has caused our family to come together with purpose and focus. I know better now because of this experience to NEVER say again, "If the Lord loved us, why would he do this to us?" For that is backwards. He gives us these experiences because he loves us. Though the trials may not be favorable at all, or ever be what we would like to go through, or have happen to us... It is through and from these experiences that we can be of help to others. For only after experiencing what we have felt, to know of the pain and grief that comes from it- can we bring "True" and "Real" support to help comfort others.

Neal A. Maxwell, a former member of the 12 Apostles said, "We all may go through a part of the Gethsemane, with the Lord to know deep sorrow, so that we can through Christ triumph over these trials, that we may become stronger." In 1st Peter chapter 4: 12-13 says, "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, though some strange thing happened unto you; But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."

Because of Heavenly Father's love for us, he is hoping that we will come out refined and much stronger than ever before. He does not send us here on earth to suffer but to gain wisdom, knowledge and understanding; that we can become more like him... full of love for others who ache and hurt and suffer as we once did; that we may help them in their bitterness of times.I am thankful for the thorns in life, Christ too had lived a life with thorns, but because of him, the Thorns of Life are now A Crown of Glory. Of whom I only hope that I am worthy someday to see of the prints in his hands and feet and to be called by name and told, "Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth. " (Alma 5:16)

We Love you Dear Buddy Boy, we greatly look forward to the day when our broken hearts will be replaced with much Rejoicing- when we get to be a complete family again. Keep up the grand missionary work you are doing. We are ever so proud of you.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers that she threw up near Caleb's head, when she was on the top bunk bed and Caleb was sleeping on the girls floor.

Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to try new weird things, like dipping his carrots in ketchup.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb like to play dominos and try to get them all to stand up, then he would knock the all down with just 1 tap.

Dad (Eric) remembers how proud Caleb was of himself when he would make skid marks on the ground with his bike, that he would get everyone to come see them.

7 months old

2011-01-23T20:13:00.001-08:00

On the 23rd of January 2002, you were 7 months old it was very snowy and cold in Cheney Washington. Our apartment stayed warm well, since we were on the top floor. It was in the summer times that was difficult with all the heat, and trying to stay cool. We couldn't leave our balcony door open because i was always afraid you would roll your way out the door and down to the concrete parking lot. I was a BIG worry wart with everything when it came to you. I had the hardest time when you cried excessively with colic, I thought I was the world's worst mother because I couldn't comfort you. I put you first before anyone, including your father... something that only got worse with each child as they came. Something that I am finally starting to do better in. (Well at least I hope so.)

Things that you were doing at this age was:
(still trying to find the book, will fill in later.)

Christmas in Nebraska

2010-12-25T14:38:00.000-08:00

(Remember to pause the music off on the left side bar before you push play on this video.)

Looking forward to the JOY (newly revised)

2010-12-24T14:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Caleb,
So here we are again another Christmas without you physically with us. It has been a month of emotions for me. So full, that I have yet to figure out what to do with them. Last month, shortly after Thanksgiving we went to the Christmas play 'The Forgotten Carols ' written by Michael McLean. I remember going to this play when I was about 11 years old, the music has always been some of my favorite Christmas songs. But this time while listening I heard something new. Something that touched my heart ever so powerfully and spoke to me as though I heard you talk to me. It was in the song about Joseph the Carpenter, and how he might have felt being imperfect raising the Son of God, who was perfect. In this song Joseph was contemplated how he did with raising the Son of God, hoping that he did OK. And then the song says that Joseph heard the Lord say, "You have done just fine." Caleb I have battled over this more than anything, hoping that I did even the slightest bit of good raising you. And I heard you tell me those same words, "You have done just fine."

As I was looking for a Christmas movie I came across this one notebook. I started to thumb through it and I came to a page with your testimony on it- something that we never got to hear you bear in person. As I read it I could hear you share these words with us:
"I know that Jesus has died for me. He loves children I know I sow the movie. I love Jesus becaese he creatid me. He loves us to! Some times you want to watch church movies on sunday. You better love your family. Missrnares come to your house. On Sunday you go to church. Some times you have mettings. " (written exactly how Caleb wrote it)

I am very much like that Joseph the Carpenter song, I am flawed and so imperfect. I am glad that the Lord has blessed you and helped you come home, inspite of my imperfections with you being my 1st born. I was so unprepared and felt so inadequate to raise such a perfect child as yourself, Thank you for being so patient with me. You have taught us oh so very much.

My thoughts have turned a lot to Mary during this Christmas month. If anyone would know the heartache of loosing a firstborn son, it would be Mary. For her to be content with what she was allotted, is an amazing example for me. I am still trying to be content, but it is so very difficult for my heart to accept all that IS. But I know as imperfect and flawed that I am, I can be like Mary, and be content with the Lord's help. Of which I am so grateful for this Christmas season to grant me this strength.

Caleb something happened to me this Christmas season. I have been given a more broad perspective to see life with. In the past I have been so upset knowing that I had to keep living without you, feeling ever so guilty that you left alone on my watch. When I should have left too, but only I was giving extended time on this life. Though pieces of those feelings will always be burried deep down inside me, i have felt a new sense of life now. I have come to realize that I am on borrowed time! And I haven't done well with it so far, and I am determined to use it more wisely. I cannot have joy and happiness like I use too, it was to trivial. My joy and happiness comes from and goes much deeper than ever before. To be with your 3 siblings here is a pure, inexpressible joy in my heart- to know that we are receiving your help daily is healing to my aching heart. We have felt your presence and heard your voice often. What a blessed gift these moments have been to us. Your Daddy is such an amazing man, to have his extended patience for me, is beyond what I could have ever hoped for. He has been a big help with helping me to appreciate life again- instead of staying in the past with being full of bitterness and anger. My broke heart will always be there, but I have so much Joy within knowing that when Christ comes he will bring healing in his wings, and all will be made right. Christ came once, and I am grateful to know that he will come again, and oh how that time is coming soon as the Scriptures say. We rejoice with much rejoicing this Christmas. And we look forward to that wonderful JOY that is coming!!

Merry Christmas Caleb. We love you.
Love, Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers making a book path with Caleb. They could only walk where there were books. And sometimes they would stop along the path and read a book. Then they would set it back down and continue walking on the path.

Liahona remembers when listening to the "Move IT" song from Madagascar her, Caleb and Tamara thought the part that says, "I like to Party, party" was "I like to potty, potty."

Mom remembers how Caleb liked climbing on the outside of the stair railing and would be scared when he was up high at first, but soon got brave to do it over and over again with little fear.

Dad remembers how Caleb loved exploring the campgrounds that we camped at.

6 months old

2010-12-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

On December 23 of 2001, you were 6 months old. We were still living in Cheney Washington, dad was doing his prerequisites to get into Nursing school. He was working at a Nursing home, and got his nursing assistant certificate, which was just the beginning of getting his feet wet as he got closer to become an RN.

Things you were doing at this age was:
(still trying to find the book, will fill in soon.)

The Caleb Mathison Memorial Scholarship

2010-12-07T06:14:00.001-08:00

Dear Family and Friends,
We are full of appreciation for all your love and support that you have given to us this past year. It has been a long and difficult road- a road that was not made to be passed through like other trials, but one that we get to live with for the rest of our lives. This trial has been very tearing on our hearts, making it difficult to heal.
Eric's dear classmates from BryanLGH started a Scholarship Memorial Fund in honor of Caleb. Our wish is to help get this scholarship endowed, to help keep Caleb forever in the memory and hearts of all who knew and loved him. Once we get his scholarship endowed we will be able to award and bless the life of 1 person each year from the BraynLGH School of Health Sciences. In helping us get this scholarship endowed, it will bring more healing to the hearts of the Mathison Family; in achieving a permanent memorial for our son, Caleb, to always be there in Nebraska- the place we have grown to love. As you help us get this scholarship endowed, it is ALL of us who will be giving and blessing the lives of many in the long run.
We do not want this to be a financial burden to anyone, especially at this Holiday Season. We just ask that if you could, please send $5, $25, $50, $100, whatever to help us in our Holiday Wish. Through the help of Eric's classmates, co-workers and many other great people, we have reached 1/3 of our goal. We could greatly use your help as we work together in accomplishing to endow this scholarship to reach 100%.

It is to be sent directly to this address:
BryanLGH Foundation
1600 South 48th Street
Lincoln, NE 68506

Make checks out to the BryanLGH Foundation,
and include a note stating that the donation is directed toward The Caleb Mathison Memorial Scholarship.

We can not begin to express what our tender hearts feel for all of you.
All we can say is "Thank You" from the bottom of our hearts, and may you feel the tender mercies of love back.
Love, The Mathison Family

Full of Thanks

2010-11-24T09:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Caleb,
Today is November 24Th, and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We are on our second round of Holidays without you physically here with us. Each one is such a low blow for me, it is just a "nice" reminder of what we currently don't have right now; A complete family. Our family of 6; with our 2 boys and and 2 girls together. It makes it hard to be thankfully for the now, but it makes me VERY thankful for the THEN. We are super excited and anxious for the THEN; so much more, that we seem to have very little patience for the now.

"I take pleasure in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."( 2Corinthians 12:10) We have felt the weakness of the body; for without Christ we surely have no strength, no joy, and no hope. Elder Dallin H Oaks said that, "The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ is available for every affliction in mortality." Caleb, we have felt this healing power, and as you know we are not a family that lies. It is a real power, a real strength that can come to us if we just have faith. Elder Oaks said, "Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to him who loves us best. Sometimes a 'healing' cures our illness, or lifts our burdens. But sometimes we are 'healed' by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us." Caleb, I never thought that by being given strength would be considered a healing power until now. It is a different healing than what I was hoping for to be honest. I wished that I had enough faith to bring you back, even just for a second to tell you how much my heart feels for you, and to whisper how sorry I am for the way that we parted. If I were as ready as you were, I would be with you, but I apparently am not, seeing that I am still here. Because of that, I know that I have much to work on. Hoping to do better each day to be worthy to come home and be with you someday. In 2 Corinthians 12:7, Paul came to the Lord 3 times asking to be healed from a "thorn in the flesh" that greatly bothered him. The Lord did not remove it, but gave him strength to live with it. Helping him to always remember that in our weak moments if we look to the Lord they will become our strengthens because of his grace and love for us.

Elder Oaks says, "At times we may despair that our burdens are too great, when it seems that a tempest is raging in our lives, we may feel abandoned and cry out like the disciple in the storm, 'Master carest thou not that we perish?' At such times we should remember his reply: 'Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith' ?" Caleb, it is irritating how much I let my mind dwell on doubt, when I know better. Every fiber of my being tells me that I know how much we are known and loved by the Lord. It is only then when I have stepped away with doubt, that makes me feel abandoned from his loving arms. And when I can't take the feeling of feeling so utterly alone I drop to my knees in tears pleading for strength, and it is in that moment when I turn to him, that I feel his supporting arms still stretched out for me.

Elder Neal A Maxwell said, "Some have trials to pass through while still others have allotments that are to live with. Paul lived with his 'thorn in the flesh'. Varied as our allotments may be, we can still keep the commandments of God." I have come to understand, that we will either shrink away from the Lord, or we will swell with joy in the Lord; as we continue to push forward with the allotments that we have been entrusted to us to grow. Keeping the commandments is not just merely something that we do, it has a stronger purpose; for it is something that we DESIRE to do. We need the strength from the Lord, and it is a small sacrifice to show the Lord that we are deserving of it. Caleb, I often wonder how Mary lived with the 'thorn in her flesh' with knowing everything that she did about Jesus. In Luke 2:19 It says that she "Kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." Elder Neal A Maxwell said that Pondering often precedes contentment. Her thorn was great but she was able to find peace with it and be content. Caleb, my goal during these Holiday seasons it to be more like Mary, with being content. Finding and Keeping that contentment through Christ, as I strive to do my part in keeping the commandments, and choose to finish this work that we have been called to do.

We love you greatly Caleb, our buddy boy. Happy Thanksgiving. Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how much Caleb loved gum.

Liahona remembers playing battleship with Caleb downstairs during a bad thunderstorm/ tornado warning in 2008. She also remembers how her and Caleb went to go wake up Tamara to bring her downstairs as mom watched the news. She remembers how Caleb woke up Tamara by lightly pinching her arms up and down.... which always worked.

Mom (Tanya) remembers when Caleb was little how he liked to watch Elmo's World with Mr. Noodle.

Dad (Eric) remembers how much Caleb loved to eat grapefruit.

5 Months Old

2010-11-23T09:00:00.001-08:00

When it was November 23rd of 2001 you were 5months old. It was starting to get really cold in Cheney Washington. I remember one sunday it was snowing and we went to chruch at our 11am time, and there was another ward there. We couldn't figure it out for a long time, as we sat waiting for someone from our ward, when we over heard someone talking about Daylight Savings time ended the night before. And your father and I looked at eachother and realized that we were an hour early for church, so we went home.

Things you were starting to do at this time were:
(still trying to find book, will fill in soon.)

Pies for You

2010-11-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

Hi Caleb, Tamara and I made theses pies out of playdough for you. They each say "To Caleb." We love you, Love Liahona

I, made this too, it says "We love Nebraska."

Another Post....

2010-10-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,
Here we are, another month has gone by. What can you say to that? I look forward to posting and writing to you of how we have succeed as a family in surviving yet another month without you physically here with us. But after posting all my feelings and thoughts, I dread knowing that we get to start a new one. Some days I think, how long is this going to go on, my mortal emotions just can't take this kind of beating. Though the flesh is incredibly weak, I gain much strength knowing that my spirit has been the one to carry me along. I am dragging and struggling with my mortal weakness, from lack of strength. I can not help but look to the Savior for help, and for much needed strength that he gives to my spirit; for surely I could not continue without it.
It is Autumn Time, I miss having you ask if we could find a park with lots of leaves to rake up and jump in. I miss seeing your face light up when we would play in the leaves as a family, and having Daddy throw you in the big, high, neatly raked up leaves. Halloween is coming up this week, and my heart is sad that I will not be able to do your face paint. I have been asking myself what would you have wanted to be for Halloween this year? And the sad thing is that I can't answer that question. I don't know what you would be nor of what you would be into. I have found myself asking other little 8-9 year old boys to see what they are planning on being, and watching to see what they are into; helping me to feel connected to you still in someway.
Our Hearts are broken, but they still just barely work. Thanks to our Savior who has promised us that all will be made right. We know that our dream of becoming an eternal family will come true someday, we look forward to that more than anything else in the world. Nothing is more important to us, than to be together again. Our hearts take courage in that and make us rejoice for that day; this is what allows our hearts to still work for us.
If it weren't for knowing that we can receive personal revelation I would have given up by now. But we have, and because we have, we know that the Lord is very mindful of our little family. Personal meaning Individual, and Revelation meaning Wisdom to make known. The Lord has blessed with with Individual Wisdom to make known of what we are to do, and of where we need to go from here.
President Packer of the 12 Apostles made this very profound comment that has greatly helped me keep a better prospective, that has kept me from being drawn into the bitterness with it’s magnet.
He said, “Do not expect to be free entirely from trouble and disappointment and pain and discouragement, for these are the things that we were sent to earth to endure.” This includes those who are righteous and living good lives, we are not excluded from gaining wisdom and knowledge. I have learned that it is an honor to be taught by the Lord. He knows what we need to grow and to learn, to become better and wiser people. This Caleb, is why we are still here without you, you have flown through what you needed to learn, and yet we are lagging behind you. We hope to make you proud and be able to be to found worthy to come home and be with you; to be a complete family again. We are going to make the best of this experience. We are finishers, we will finish what has been given to us to learn and to teach us. We will not loose our focus nor of the foot steps that we need to follow you in.
Oh how we love you. Oh how we long to have this awkward void be filled again, life is not the same, nor will it ever be without you. But we have much to look forward too, in being with you soon. We Love You! XOXOXO
Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers how Caleb would always tuck his legs into his pajama shirts.

Liahona remembers when Caleb's last tooth came out he said in a very calm voice, "Hmmm my tooth came out." As he showed it in his hand calmly to Mom.

Mom (Tanya) remembers after Caleb and Liahona watching an episode of Curious George they did the science project shown, by making your own water popsicles. They would get a cup of water and put a spoon inside for a stick. Then once the water water was frozen they would eat their popsicles throughout the day, or when they just needed a nice ice drink.

Dad (Eric) remembers when playing soccer or football in the house 1 goal would be the glass from the fireplace and the other would be the back wall at the end of the hallway.

4 Months Old

2010-10-23T20:53:00.000-07:00

On October 23rd of 2001, You were 4 months old. And morning sickness was my name, being 3 1/2 months pregnant with your Irish Twin Honi. I lived for nap times, and took naps with you almost as often as you took them. But you were still very colic and cried much throughout the day and night. Often thinking what were we doing wrong, but we did not know that you were a colicy baby, so we just made due with what we could. Being poor college students we did not have insurance as we couldn't take you in all the time. Had we have known that we could of had help, maybe we would have but we didn't know, and we all did the best we could.
Things that you started to do at this age was:

Fall Has Come Again Without You

2010-09-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,
Fall used to be my favorite season, but now it just seems to feel bitter to me; leaving a sadness taste in my mouth. It's hard to focus on the now when I want the then again. It's also hard to focus on the now, when I want the then of the future to come, too. Sometimes I feel like being suck in the now is a hard thing to do, to endure, to survive yet another day; just to get up and do it all over again. Sometimes it is more difficult then I could have ever imagined it to be, then other days seem to shine a glimmer of hope- calling out to me, "You can do it, you are going to make it." It is a very difficult thing to shake off the natural mind to not think of all the "what if's" and the "if only's." Why do I do that to myself, and put myself in that ringer again and again, I do not know. Maybe to still keep the pain fresh, as to helping me feel close to you, or maybe because I am still wanting to be in denial and not feel the full weight of guilt from everything... But honestly it really doesn't matter the reckoning and reasoning because I will never know the answers that i have been seeking, until later. And believe me, I intend to find out all those what if's and if only answers when I get there.
There was a lady who spoke in sacrament meeting the other Sunday that said something that has made the biggest difference to my mind and my heart. It has been my sole motivation and personal focus to get my sluggish body moving everyday, helping me to see that this everyday "now" IS truly important. She quoted a general authority, but did not mention who it was, which said, "Get Up, Load Your Handcart, and Go to Zion." As she said these words my heart felt as though i had been struck by lighting, I could not move, nor hear anything but those words over and over again as she sat down. The "Get Up" part has been the most difficult part of my whole day, "Why" I would ask myself while lying in bed each morning, "Why do I want to get up to do another day? What's the point?" Until I heard this simple 9 word sentence I could not answer anything else but, I had too, it was my duty as a Wife and Mother. But now I think of the Mormon pioneers; they literally had to Get Up each time they would stumble and fall, after taking time to bury their loved ones along the way... they had to Get Up each time or else they too would not make it to their journey's end to Zion. I cannot just Get Up like I use too. In order for me to Get Up now it requires much faith and trust in the Lord, as the Pioneers had to have with each step that they took. Trusting that as long as I am moving and showing that I can move forward with faith, that I too will be able to reach my journey's end, to be with you again Caleb. Every morning they had to reload, reorganize, and put all their belong back into their handcarts; to prepare for another long journey. I may not have a physical handcart to prepare, pack up, and organize for a long trek, but I have my own physical and spiritual handcarts; my body and mind. These are the things that I need to take care of, that I may do better in preparing myself for each new day; the long trek that I have been given to walk that day. And the purpose for the Pioneers to prepare their handcarts was to Go to Zion. A place where they could rest from their cares and worries, and place to rest their weary, aching bodies. Which just so happens to be my purpose as well, to establish a home, a place of Zion; where we can rest from our worries and cares as a family, knowing and trusting in the Lord that all will be made right, that we will see and be with you again Caleb. In St John 16:22 brings my heart much strength to know that this is indeed true, "And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again,and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you."
We greatly look forward to that day, so until then we will, "Get UP, Load Our Handcarts and Go To Zion."
Love You Buddy Boy, Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb would wash walls by taking a baby wipe or clorox wipe and hold it out on the wall and run up and down/ back and forth, down that halls to get them clean and do his PE at the same time.

Liahona remembers playing fish for treats with Caleb. One would sit on top of the refrigerator and would tie a treat to a long string and lower it down to the other person, then they would switch. (She confessed that they would do this during quiet time, while mom helped Montey go down for his naps.)

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb was like a monkey and would climb up on the counters to get snacks, lunch, breakfast for him and his sisters.

Dad (Eric) remembers how much Caleb loved to be a helper and wash the cars with him.

3 Months old On: September 23, 2001

2010-09-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb, You turned 3months old this day of this month, in the year 2001.
* You were full of life.
*With being tongued tied from birth but not getting it clipped until 1month old, you finally started to learn to eat better, until.....
*Mother realized the month before that she was expecting again and milk supply stopped. You were put on Soy Milk Formula.
You downed the first several bottles given, you loved that stuff. Mainly because it flowed faster than your mom and you were in heaven... and started gaining that Husker Weight.=)
*You loved going on walks in the stroller.
*And that summer we spent lots of our time out doors.
*We would push you to the library, to the store, to the park, and just around the Eastern Washington Campus, there in Cheney Washington.
* WE spent much of our time visiting with good friends that lived on the 1st floor, the Drees' and with the Porters across the parking lot.
*You loved having dad throw you high up in the air and catching you. This would make my heart skip many beats being so overcome with fear and wanting to protect you, my precious little baby boy from anything that would remotely hurt you. I had to look away most of the time and just pray that your father would always catch you, and of course he always did. =)

Your Angel Day

2010-09-02T20:11:00.001-07:00

Hi Caleb,
Here are the pictures from Your Angel Day. From our order of 25 butterflies and releasing them. With each butterfly that was released by your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncle, and grandparents they said something nice to you; "I miss you," "I love you," "We wish you were here,".....

We are now trying to build your dream of a bug farm, from the 4 butterflies that we kept and are now laying eggs. We hope to start our own butterfly farm and send them your way often. We love you. =) Love Your Mommy

Aug 23 2001 (2months old)

2010-08-30T17:00:00.000-07:00

On The 23rd of Aug of 2001 you were 2months old. WE lived in Cheney Washington. Your father was attending Eastern Washington University, doing his prerequisites in Nursing. We lived in the Anna Maria Apartments on the second floor and we were waiving goodbye to Dad one morning from the balcony on a cold fall day. And the unthinkable happened, the sliding door locked on us. I was so scared and didn't know what to do, it was early in the morning and no one was outside, being so cold. I started to yell and cry out for help, which seemed like forever, actually was only 15mins before someone came by. Thankfully the front door was unlocked from Dad going to school that they were able to let themselves in and rescue us freezing people. I was so embarrassed and yet so overjoyed by the help that I was just so pleased that the Lord sent us someone to help us get back inside that my embarrassment quickly went away. I remember Thanking this guy over and over again.

What you were like at this age:
*You Caleb were very colic at this age.
*You only wanted to be held, or carried in your snugglie. And if we couldn't do that you had to be in your swing. Staying in motion and movement was something that would only make you happy and content. We had no crib for you so you slept on a gym mat with a sheet over it right next to our bed, which was also your baby changing table too. (What can we say, we were super poor college students. But it worked because the apartment was very small too. With it only being a 1 bedroom apartment made it awfully squishy but it worked for us.)
*You loved dancing with mom and dad to classical music. A special baby cd that we got from the hospital that you were born at.
*Realized that were prego with your Irish Twin, Liahona and couldn't produce enough enough for three, so my body stopped producing milk for you. It took us about a week and a half for us to realize that you were extra crabby because you were hungry...=( Daddy and I have always joked about that was the cause of you always being a little smaller. =)

A Trophy For You

2010-08-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

Hi Caleb,
Here is your Trophy that you have earned. We thought about what we needed to do, to remind us of all your hard work that you are doing on the other side of the veil. And we decided to award you with this trophy, which will be displayed in your bedroom. It says, "Caleb Luccas Mathison Team Angels 2010. And your siblings have a dog tag necklace with the same image and same inscription "Team Angels." It will be that constant reminder for us, thought we are on different sides of the veil, we are still part of the same team. Together we are "Team Angels." We are so proud of you Caleb! We hope to make you proud of us, to show you how much we love you, and how much we are willing to fight to earn the great reward to be an eternal family soon.- Love Your Mom

Year 1 (Mom)

2010-08-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,
I am sitting here this night of the 24th, being unable to sleep. My head is swirling with events from last Aug 24th that we spent with you. My body is heavy again as lead. Most likely I will have a hard time getting out of bed tomorrow morning. We tackled our first Make A Difference Day as a family. Then ended our day with watching a few of our family videos with songs, followed by a family prayer. The weight of this temporary separation is very heavy on all our hearts, we were all in tears as we watched our memories with you from the past; even Montey noticed everyone was crying and started to mope and pretend to cry. Your presence is missed ever so greatly. In recent days I have been thinking that I just can't do yet another day, especially once the month of Aug came; I have not been able to shut off my emotions. They have been running non-stop. My eyes hurt from crying, my heart hurts from aching, and my body is suffering as a whole in trying to keep it together and stay afloat. Yesterday I did the impossible, I thought, and wrote down everything that my brain was able to retain from our family outing to the accident on the 24th to the 25th of last year. It was incredibly hard to allow my mind and body to relive those events. And even a year later, those motions are still so very strong. After two long hours and 4 1/2 pages long I completed it. I vowed that I was never going to write those memories down because why in the world would I want to remember those un-fun moments? The strength that the Lord rendered to me was amazing; there was no way that I could have bore that pain again without the Lords help. Then helping me to type while I managed to down pour on the computer with my eyes, it was simply a miracle all in itself. But it is done, it has been written, and completed. And the funniest thing of all, I feel like it is okay for me to talk about the accident. That I don't have to stay all silent like it never happened, hoping that magically it would all go away....because the thing is, is that it did happen. I think that I have finally gotten a grip on reality, an un-fun one, but thankfully just temporary. I have realized that I have been afraid to be happy, or show in any way that I could have fun without you here with us, because I didn't want to think that I could do that without you. I did not want you to feel hurt or sad thinking that we had forgotten about you because we would happy or smiling or laughing. You complete our family, and I know that you will never be forgotten with us, that you will always have your place in being the oldest sibling, the big, protective brother. I was reading with your father in the Book of Mormon, in Mormon 9:14 it says," And then cometh the judgment of the Holy one upon them; and then cometh the time that he that is filthy shall be filthy still; and he that is righteous shall be righteous still; and he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still." I then realized that if I wanted to be happy when we are reunited at the great millennial day then, I must be happy now. If I do not allow myself to find even a little piece of that happiness now and hold on to it, I may not even be happy then. But my goal is to be happy then, so I know now what I must do now. While I live here upon this earth, I know that I must live worthily to be able to receive that added light and happiness and pure joy hereafter. I can not allow the un-pleasant "what if's" pull me and my mind away from trying to find that piece of happiness now. Elder Steven E Snow gave a talk in conference about Getting on with our lives. He said, " Most of us do not seek our welcome dramatic change. But change is an essential part of life's experiences." Then he posts a question that states, "What about the changes which thrust upon us unexpectedly, of changes that we have no control over? How do we deal with such unexpected setbacks in life's journey?" He gave a very profound answer that I have been holding on too ever so tightly. He said, " First, You need to follow the prophets. Second, You need to keep an eternal perspective. Third, Have Faith. And Fourth, Be of Good Cheer." Caleb, I have done these all but the fourth one, I know what I need to work on, to help us to enjoy the true peace and happiness later that will soon come. Our Prophet Thomas S. Monson has said, "Even when you have felt the truth of the atonement and the kindness of the Lord to deliver you in your trials, it may still test your courage and strength to endure." It is a hard road that we are on, but we will not fail you Caleb. Our love for you is great! Love Your Mommy

Year 1 (Dad)

2010-08-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,
This last year without you has been very difficult. It has been difficult because there are so many things about you that I miss. I miss those early 5:30am mornings when you would surprise me by waking early as I was getting ready to leave for work or school. I miss how the two of us would eat breakfast together on those early mornings while you would tell me all the exciting things you planned on doing that day. I miss the games of baseball and soccer in the backyard. I miss seeing your excitement and smile when I would arrive home each day. That amazing smile of yours could quickly erase the stresses and worries of any day. Caleb it is amazing how one person can influence the life of another in so many ways. This year has been difficult because there are so many questions that do not have answers. Many of the “why?” And “what if?” questions have surfaced time and time again bringing with them feelings of doubt and despair. Elder Russell M. Nelson once said “my advice to each of us is not to torture ourselves with ‘what if’ questions. They bring neither clarity nor comfort.” I know this statement is true but it is a very difficult thing to do. We are faced with these questions each and every day. I do not know why your life on this earth was so short. I do not know why your life had to end the way that it did. I do not know how long it will be until I can see your amazing smile once more, or until I can play games of catch or soccer with you once again. Or until I can tell you once again how much I love you. But this I do know, I will see you again. You are my son and your early departure and death cannot destroy that. We are an eternal family and so I will look forward to that glorious day when we will be reunited and once again be a complete family. Until that day comes I will do all I can to live in a way to be found worthy to arrive in the place where you are.
Caleb, this last year has changed my perspective and priorities. So many things that I thought were important just don’t seem to matter so much any more. I am amazed at how many lives you have touched in your short eight years on this earth. I am also amazed at how many people have touched our lives during this last year. We have received so much goodness and kindness from other people. There are truly some amazing people in this world. You have taught me how important it is to tell others how much you care for them because the opportunity may never arise again. Thank you Caleb for teaching me these things. Thank you for being such an obedient son. Thank you for the fun times we shared. I truly enjoyed our time together and anxiously wait for that time to come again. I love you.
Love, Your Dad.

Memories:
Tamara remembers how much Caleb loved gum; all gum, any gum.

Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to try new weird things; like dipping his carrots into ketchup.

Mom remembers how Caleb started the pop mix drink of half root beer and half sprite to drink at on our pizza dinner Friday night family parties.

Dad remembers how much Caleb had always loved the wind, even as a baby. He would stick out his arms and wave them around as though he was flying.

Make A Difference Day

2010-08-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

To All Our Family And Friends,

We are requesting your help in our 1st Annual Make a Difference Day on Aug 24-25. Our Goal to is to get as many people as we can to help make this Tragic, unfun day; into a purpose and reason to be happy. By making a difference with us, as we make memories with Caleb on his Angel Date. With him serving and working hard on the other side of the veil, this is our chance to help in his great efforts to build and strengthen Zion here. We would love for you to share your accomplishments on how you were able to "Make a Difference," on here on Caleb's blog. Please email us your address and we will like to send you a little something from our family for Caleb to say, "Thank You." Or you can leave it with your post. In case you are thinking I would love to do something but I don't know what to do? Here are some ideas for you, to help do something to make this world a better place:

Give someone the benefit of the doubt,
Smile when you get cut off in traffic instead of cursing,
Let someone go in front of you in the line,
Pay for someones meal behind you in line,
Hold the door open for someone,
Send off special letters or packages anonymously to someone who needs a special cheer,
Visit a nursing home and sing them some songs,
Donate money or time to a special charity cause,
Sign up for a charity marathon or just go to help out,
Make a personal goal to work on something to be a better person,
Call up an old friend to see how they are doing,
Write that letter to that long lost friend or family member that you have been meaning to do for sometime now,
Call a children's hospital and see how you can help as a volunteer,
Slow down your pace in life and try to recognize those who you can help..... and reach out and help us "Make A Difference."

What we hope to accomplish as a family: To buy many BIG bags of lollipops and attach a piece of paper to each that say, "The Mathison Family and Friends Annual Make A Difference Day 2010." And knock on all of our neighbors doors to share love and kindness to others. Starting out with something simple but just as profound, since the kids are still little. Wanting to help them know that they too can help and serve and make a difference with Caleb too. And as they get older we hope to make it more elaborate and give more of our time.

Thank you for taking on this challenge with our family, it will give us much strength to bear such a difficult day knowing that we have many friends and family standing with us to help us Make A Difference with Caleb.
Much Love to you all, The Mathison Family

1 Month old On: July 23, 2001

2010-07-25T14:33:00.001-07:00

Here you are on July 23rd, when you were a whole one month old. You were so tiny and cuddly.

*We loved watching and holding you. We couldn't believe that we were actually parents; a baby of our very own to love and care for.
*You loved to be motion, whether it was being rocked, or swinging in your swing.
*You noticed your hands. And often attempted to try and reach for objects.
*You have the hardest time latching on because you were tongue tied, and we had to the doctors to get it clipped for you to eat better.

Catching up from June 23rd, 2001 when you were born:

*You first smiled at a day old, showing off your amazingly, cute smile.
*You got to come home with us being 1 day old. Wearing this cute light blue turtle outfit from baby gap.
*You could kick vigorously and tried to turn over at 1 week old.
*At one week old you raised your head for a whole minute. Right then we knew that you were a super amazing baby boy.

11 Months of a broken heart.....

2010-07-24T15:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,
Where does the time go. It does not feel like 11months, if feels like our temporary parting was just yesterday, as the ache and hurt is still strong. And yet at the same time, it feels as though it has been forever already without seeing your sweet smile in person. We miss you more than any words can describe. It is frustrating being separated from those that you love, even if we do know that it is just temporary. Liahona was baptized last month. On the same day that you were last year. I cannot believe that it was only just last year that we were helping you to follow the ways of our Savior, into the waters of baptism. Now our two Irish twins have both been baptized. For a long time I have been very nervous to allow Liahona to be baptized. Thinking that once she too got baptized, that she would be leaving us here and join you. I have been preparing my heart for anything, as we all are anxious to be with you again. I know that whatever happens, that you are there to greet her or us, and that we will be alright. WE still have each other, and I am grateful for that. I have been thinking much about, how it would be all the more difficult, if we were not able to do our part, and make righteous choices which would enable us to be together for all eternity. Just those thoughts alone make me cringe; to even think about being separated for all eternity. The pain is intense enough now, I do not want to experience a pain exceeding what we already are carrying. I desire for our family to be complete again, to put away all this pain and ache, to be filled with pure and firm everlasting joy. This is why I know we must all do what we can to be like our savior and to follow his example. I am glad that Liahona made this decision to be like her savior and to be baptized. She is doing her part and helping our family in staying spiritually strong.
Caleb I have to admit that I am conflicted on understanding how to be happy and have joy here on this earth without you with us. I have pondered and prayed about the scripture in the Book of Mormon found in 2 Nephi 2:25, which says, "Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy." I thought that I knew what this "joy" meant. Now I am not sure if I really understood it completely. I used to think that this "joy" would be going to some place extravagant, or doing something so exciting and new. Though this may bring some people "joy," to me it is not the lasting "joy" that I am looking for. I do not want these kinds of "joys." I want the eternal "joy" that can not be obtained yet, here on this life. I want the millennial peace of rest, the sweet reunion of our family, and all our sorrow to be wiped away with this eternal "joy." Caleb I challenged myself to read the bible when you were born, and on the 23rd of this month I finished it. It took me 9 long years to read it but I finished it, I have you to thank for urging me forward. As I was reading from the great words of Micah in chapter 4 verse 9 and 10, I heard these words speak to me. Telling me how I can maintain a happiness here on earth, in spite of our temporary separation. These were the words that I heard, "Now, Tanya why do you cry out loud? Is there no King in your heart? Is Jesus Christ our counsellor perished? Pains have taken you, like a woman in childbirth. Be in pain if it is to help you labor to build Zion and bring forth good, O daughter of Zion. Just like a woman in childbirth brings forth much good and delivers a child. Make the Pain worth the Reward." As my motherhood nightmare continues, with ache beyond description, I am glad to be reminded by the Prophet Micah that my Lord and King Jesus Christ is indeed in my heart. And he can and will help our family to be reunited again, as long as we prove ourselves worthy of such a great blessing. My heart proclaims the same words that are found in Romans 1:16, "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ." And from Isaiah 12:2, "I will trust and not be afraid: for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song, he also is become my salvation." Caleb I am not afraid to stand as different from the world, I welcome it. I am not ashamed to be called a peculiar person, that is a compliment. Our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson told us, " We must learn to finish our assignments as the Lord did his. We must ask ourselves shall we falter or shall we finish? On the answer await the blessings of joy and happiness here in mortality and eternal life in the world to come. The marks of a true finisher, will be as a lamp to our feet in the journey through life. Ever beckoning us onward and lifting us upward is he who pleaded...come follow me." My brain tells me, give up, you can't survive this, you are too weak. But by heart, tells me push on, push on and use this pain to push us closer to our eternal "joy" that we long for as a family. We will not fail you, as a family we are strong, no matter which side of the veil we are on. We are one and we will make our dream become our reality someday, and shake of this temporary separation, and become an eternal family because Us Mathison's, we are Finishers!
We love you our buddy boy. Don't give up on us, we still desperately need you, Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers that Caleb said that he never wanted to have a pet tarantula.
Liahona remembers setting up a water station with Caleb and trying to sell water to mom and dad and Tamara for 10cents a cup.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb liked to drag his walking stick on the ground to make snake trails when hiking.
Dad (Eric) remembers how quick Caleb was to obey even when he didn't want to do what he was told to do .

Pictures for Caleb

2010-07-07T15:53:00.000-07:00

hi caleb these are pictures that i made for you on the computer.love liahona

10months in counting.....

2010-06-25T09:44:00.002-07:00

Dear Caleb,
Well, the Frog House of which you called our home in Nebraska has sold. It sold in less than 5 days being on the market. I felt as though we were forced to move out, and that our home was no longer ours. It was very hard putting away all your toys, and clothes in boxes. I could not throw a single thing away; I had to keep all your drawings, writings, wrappers, and rocks…. I couldn't get myself to part with anything of yours, even your baby items that Montey is not using anymore. It was the hardest part of our move. As I was packing and cleaning I couldn’t help but think of the modern day Pioneers as they had to move from place to place by force from the mobs that would come and attack them just because of their belief in their God. Though no mobs were attacking us and forcing us to move, this was still a very unwanted, very hard move for us. As I was sweeping my kitchen floor for the last time I kept thinking about the words from Bathsheba Smith, “My last act in that precious spot was to tidy the rooms, sweep up the floor, and set the broom in its accustomed place behind the door. Then with emotions in my heart...I gently closed the door and faced unknown future; faced it with faith in God and with no less assurance of the ultimate establishment of the Gospel in the West and of its true enduring principles, than I had felt in those trying scenes in Missouri." Though our trying times have been there in Nebraska, our hearts have been made stronger, our focus more sure, and our hearts more true. Your sisters and I said our goodbyes to very thing: to the bedrooms, to the walls, to the yard, and the frog pond. We all started to cry, I kept saying, “It’s okay to cry, because we are going to miss our Nebraska home.” I pulled them in and hugged them as we looked out at the frog pond one last time. I could not stall and throw any temper tantrums anymore, because this is actually real. Our hearts are broken all over again, and it feels that we have lost you again. Liahona said to me, “Mom I feel closer to Caleb in Nebraska.” I leaned over and said to her, “I know, me too.” Caleb those beautiful memories we have with you in Nebraska are engraved so deep on our hearts, we are grateful for our June roses in these Decembers of our lives, this is what keeps us strong, and keeps us moving forward to be with you again someday. A day of which we hope is soon.
Driving in the Van away from Lincoln Nebraska was completely difficult. Looking at the capitol building that we loved to go visit and play hide’n’seek at would soon be no more. I kept getting the feeling that what I came to accomplish was never fulfilled. What did I do and learn these past 3 years here in Lincoln. Your father came with a goal and accomplished his, but what about me? I was feeling so uneasy about not knowing any good that came from me living there for 3 years. Then it came to me. We accomplished the amazing with our homeschool studies as a family, it truly pulled us together, and made our bonds strong. A blessing that I will forever be grateful unto the Lord for guiding us in this way. …a way that I plan to continue, for the accomplishment of the success and benefit for our family. For the families that pray together stays together, and that is our goal as a family. Though I may have done this one thing correct, there was still some uneasiness about what I did not accomplish. Before we left Nebraska we drove out to your corner to say our Nebraska goodbyes, and to weed and care for your spot one last time. Emotions were very HIGH, it was very hard on our hearts to be leaving apart of our memories of you behind. I am frustrated that I failed at caring for you when you trusted me most of all. This is what I failed to accomplish here in Nebraska, not being able to help and stop this unwanted situation. My mind is still feeling the effects of everything; I cannot remember anything from the accident. And my short-term memory is shot; I can’t remember much throughout the day. It is irritating to have an 80-year-old memory in a 29-year-old body, but it is what it is. Though I physically failed at being that protective mother to keep you out of harms way, this is something that will forever be heavy on my heart, until it will be my turn to join you. Thankfully, together we did succeed as a family to obtain the spiritual focus on our journey here on earth. We taught you who you are; a child of God, why we are here; to be more like our Savior, and where we go hereafter; back with our loving Father in Heaven. So we succeeded Spiritually here in Nebraska teaching you things of much importance in a world that can be difficult to follow and obey what we know to be right and true. Thank you Caleb for helping our family to be stronger, and keeping us on the path that we know to be true with all our hearts. How grateful we are to know that the gospel of Jesus Christ makes it possible for families to be together, not just in this life but for all eternity. Knowing these things as a child did not make this challenge easier for our family. We had to make the choice and choose for ourselves to either believe what we were taught or nor. Thankfully the promise of the Holy Ghost to always be with us and guide us is real, the promptings of the still small voice can teach us all things, even to know what direction we need to take when we are confused and blinded with very heavy emotions; as what we were. But as a family we have accomplished the impossible it feels like. Starting there in Nebraska, taking us to Washington……we will not fail you anymore Caleb. We do not dare to fail you anymore; we love you and hope to be with you again someday, so we know we too must do our part.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers how Caleb liked playing with his legos.

Liahona remembers how Caleb loved playing with his lego computer games.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb loved to help out with his baby brother.

Dad (Eric) remembers how excellent Caleb's memory was with directions. He always knew where we were going.

Birthday Wishes

2010-06-23T17:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,
Today marks your 9th birthday. Ending the 2 weeks that both you and Liahona were both 8 years old together. You will always have your place as the big brother no matter how old your siblings continue to be. We are so grateful for such a great and wonderful example that you set for them to follow.
As I woke up this morning I was thinking of the glorious day of your birth. You came at 2:00am in the morning to join our family, at the Madision Memorial Hospital in Rexburg Idaho. When both dad and I were still in school at Rick’s College, which was the last year that that school would be known as that name, and was changing to BYU-Idaho.
The 22nd of June 2001 was your actual due date, I started contractions at 2:00am that morning with just minor cramping. We didn’t think much of it, thinking that it would just be false labor, so we just continued with our day. In the late afternoon they started to get stronger. I had a visiting teaching appointment scheduled with a dear friend, Crystal, and as we visited with her I was timing the contractions. They were now 5 mins apart. When we were done with our fun visit, I went home and told your father. He thought that if it were false labor they would stop if we changed our physical movement. And since I was just sitting at my visiting teaching visit; he wanted us to go for a walk. It was a very nice day, pretty warm, so we went for a pleasant walk. I remember taking pictures with your Dad on our walk and he took some of us as I stretched after the walk. Once we got back it seemed to have worked the contractions stopped. But it didn’t last too long, only about 20 minutes before they came back, but twice a stronger. We timed them and they were about 3 mins apart at that time. We started to get a little anxious, not really knowing what to do so your father called your Grandmother Mathison. She told us that we should call our doctor and head to the hospital. So we called the doctor, and Dr. Crouch told us that same thing, “Get to the Hospital.” It didn’t seem like a huge problem to us, so we were taking our time getting our stuff together as I paced around the apartment. It felt weird to be going to the hospital, not knowing what to expect. It was scary yet very exciting at the same time. Knowing that soon we would be parents with a little baby of our own to take care of and to love. We got to the hospital at 6pm and the main entrance was closed so we had to find and enter into the Emergency Entrance.
As we checked in I was pacing a lot more. The policy there at the hospital was that I had to be wheeled up to the maternity level, I did not like that. Sitting down hurt much more then standing. And the person was going so slow, that it was making me a little unhappy. I just wanted to get up to my room and get some medicines to take the edge of the pain away. We had the most wonderful Nurse; of which I am sad to say cannot remember her name. We were only dilated to a 2 when we arrived and they wanted me to be at least dilated to a 4 before they would give me any pain meds. She was very nice and got us all situated, and out of my way as I continued to pace the room’s floor, practically running over her and your father. Your father learned quickly that all of our Lamaze classes were just a waste of time, and a joke because it did not work for us. I was just expecting some nubane IV drug, when the anesthesiologist came into the room to give me an epidural. My contracts were a min on top of each other at that point and I just wanted anything, however, thankfully I was close to being at a 4 so they prepared to administer the epidural just so I would calm down. Eric had to do all the read of what could happen and his eyes widened very wide. Asking me if I was sure that I wanted to do this? I remember saying, “Anything that will make this pain stop I am all for it.” So he signed all the papers and listened to and answered all the questions that I was asked because I would NOT answer them, nor acknowledge that they were even there in the room, because I was focused on one thing and one thing only…. The Pain.
Once the epidermal was in I remember apologizing to everyone. I felt bad that I couldn’t seem to be myself with all the physical pain that came on so fast, but once the meds were in it was all good. I remember trying to take a nap, but waking up shortly to your father watching hockey, the Stanly Cup. We were progressing well until midnight hit. When we were finally at a 10, my contracts slowed down tremendously to every 15mins. So the doctors were going to use the vacuum with you to help get you out, but I refused. Two hours pushing with contractions every 15mins, you finally came 24 hours later, 2:00am today, 9 years ago.
Happy Birthday Caleb. I would do this all over again just to bring you back here to be with us again. Because not having you here is MUCH more difficult and Much more hard. We love you and miss you more than our words can describe. We tried to do things that you would have wanted to do, to show you our love….. but it obviously wasn’t the same without you here.
Happy 9th Birthday!! Love your Mommy, Daddy, Sisters, and Baby Brother

9months... it's been a Very Hard Labor!

2010-05-24T07:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,
Nine months........ I remember getting so anxious for you to arrive and join our family. I remember playing on a co-ed soccer team with your dad while being very pregnant with you thinking that it would help me go into labor, so we could get you here sooner, but of course it didn't work... You came exactly on your due date.

Montey just turned 2, Tamara just turned 6, this next month is going to be even harder... You and Liahona, My Irish Twins, will both be 8. Liahona had to make a very hard decision just recently, she had to decide to either be baptized here where you were, or to wait to have friends and family join us when we move. And though the choice was hard, she was slightly disappointed that she had to choose between the two. Yet from all of this, it has caused her to be more wise and mature for her age than most 7 years are suppose to be. She decided that she would wait, so that family and friends could come and be with her at this very special and important time in her life, plus she said it would be easier for you to come too.

The first of May Dad accepted a job offer in Washington to start work in July. We have been looking and searching since Dec of last year. Funny how the Lord tests our faith in him to the very last minute before we receive an open door. So we have an opening of a whole month and a half to figure out where we were going to move too, pack, clean, move, and have dad take his BIG Certification Exam. Just one of these alone could cause one to be full of stress. And we have 5 BIG things right on top of each other, but it is no big deal to us. We actually won't start packing until June 1st. Which will only give us 2 weeks to pack everything up. The moment we moved here, I would have told you that I was going to start packing January of 2010, four months before Dad even graduated. Now, we can't bear the thought of moving and leaving all of our fond memories with you. It hurts. The pain is too deep to even describe. It is our last temper tantrum that we will get to throw by delaying everything because we will have to face the inevitable soon... Oh Too Soon!

It amazing how one trial as ours can cause such deep pains, that cause such huge ripples, that cause such a HUGE change in oneself, and in our family. The struggles and pains will most likely always be there, but to know that life from here on out will only be but a cake walk for us Mathison's. Packing, Cleaning, Finding a place across the country, Moving, starting a new job in a new place.......... seriously NOT a big deal. Does not even compare to what we have already been through as a family.

Though I am not a direct descendant of the amazing Mormon Pioneers, I gain much strength from these strong individuals as they accomplished the impossible. They traveled by wagons and handcarts walking about 1400 miles from the Midwest into the West. They faced so many hardships of sickness, fatigue, persecution, and having to face loosing many of their loved ones. Having to bury them and leave them behind... and so much more. "I KNOW THAT WE ARE IN GOOD COMPANY." I am proud to carry the name Mormon in their behalf, carrying their legacy and banner of "H"ope and eternal perspective that will not die with me, nor my children. WE KNOW WHO WE ARE. WE KNOW WHY WE ARE HERE. AND WE KNOW WHERE WE GET TO GO HERE AFTER. And how blessed we are to know such things. So what one pioneer did was not just for their family, but for us all, to build and gather to Zion. A place of one heart and one mind. Now it is our turn, as the gathering is still in full effect, it is everyone Else's' job to STRENGTHEN it! Keep the banner waving, letting everyone know where they truly can find peace and "H"ope which will not ever come from here, but from our Loving Father in Heaven. I know these things to be truth...Oh how grateful I am.

Caleb we will see you soon. We pray for that day to come quickly. Keep up the great work you are doing. We can't thank you enough. Love you Buddy boy. Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to bite on his straws from the drinks that he would get at restaurants.

Liahona remembers how Caleb said, "All of our friends and cousins have vans. I want a van because they can go faster."

Mom(Tanya) remembers how observant Caleb always was. One time while driving in the van as a family he said, "Mom, all the girls are on one side and all the boys are on the other side."

Dad(Eric) remembers how Caleb liked to use a hiking stick to walk with on our family hikes. And how he also liked to use it to whack things that were in his way.

"8" and still aching...

2010-04-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

(Computer crashed, unable to post on the 24th.)

Dear Caleb,

Dad just got back from a long school conference, then before that he was in the NW looking for a job. Dad graduates, this next week, 10 long years. It actually breaks my heart to see that we will be moving into a new chapter of life without creating new memories with you. It makes us all the more thankful for our June roses, in these the December of our lives. I do not want to move away from this home, this city, this area that have so many memories of you. But as the Work of the Lord moves on, so will we.
But we do not move on being naive by not understanding, nor in despair, which is the opposite of Hope. WE move on not with lowercase "h" hope, which is only just an approximation of wishes of positive optimism of the future. WE move on WITH the uppercase "H" Hope, which is the Ultimate Hope! It is the assurance that ALL things WILL turn out well, through Jesus Christ. Our "H"ope is strong. Our "H"ope is an anchor to our soul. In our dark difficult nights, such blessed "H"ope helps us to hold on, and not give into despair, when it has been oh so hard to hold on too anything. We do not dare set ourselves against "H"ope to despair. Which is to deny the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, it is to say that Christ... cannot save you Caleb; That Christ cannot heal my broken heart; That Christ cannot bless our family; That the future is closed to any possibilities to receive help in bringing our family back together; That things will never get better; That the dawn will never come.
We KNOW that all of these are FALSE thoughts! There IS "H"ope, there is "H"ope because of Jesus Christ. However the darkness of the night may be or seem, the DAWN WILL ALWAYS COME! We have felt strength from beyond our own capacity of our mortal beings. There is someone who cares for us, hurts for us, and is there to helps us. If only, we can just look beyond what our mortal eyes can see.

Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song called "Spring Is Coming."
We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground
The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown
Now the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stone
And silently seed rise beneath ice and snow

And my heart's heavy now
But I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells me

Spring is coming, Spring is coming
And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear
Spring is coming, Spring is coming
It won't be long now, it's just about here

Caleb, because our of Ultimate "H"ope we will not let you down. We KNOW that we will see and be with you again, a time that is coming soon! We have no other earthly goals nor mortal desires that is stronger than for us to be together again. This is what we are working for, this is what we "H"ope for, which can only be fulfilled through our Savior. Our hearts rejoice to know that our dreams CAN become a reality through our most loving and merciful Lord. What would be the point of heaven if we couldn't be with our families forever? I am grateful to know of the truthfulness of these things, for my heart receives much strength to move forward towards you because of it's push. We love you, Buddy Boy. We ARE doing our part to be together again soon. Love you so very much, Love Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to be silly.
Liahona remembers when Caleb was cold as he got out from the pool at the Y, he would chatter his teeth together really fast.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb liked having Mom drive through the BIG puddles after a rain storm.
Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb loved the color red, and how he liked red heads too. =)

7 Long Ones

2010-03-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Caleb,
There are many dates coming upon us this Spring of which will be very hard to get through. We are not looking forward to have them come without you "physically" here with us, to celebrate together. Montey will be 2 next month. Remember how grouchy he was for his 1st birthday? And how he didn't even want cake and ice cream because he just wanted a nap? Remember how you helped him blow out his candles with your sisters and dad? Montey is still not sleeping through the night. I often wonder at night if it would still wake you up, and cause you to loose sleep... though you never were bothered by it. You were such a happy loving brother that you would often bet me to help Montey at night if I didn't get in there fast enough. I often wonder if I would still have to pick you up at night and put you in the girl's room on the floor so you could get a descent night's rest every once in awhile. I know Montey misses his Brother, and sleeping buddy.
And the Girls,............ they still long for their fun energized silly brother to play with again. There isn't a day that has gone by without a memory being added to your memory journals. It's always, "Remember when Caleb did this"...., and "Remember how Caleb did that".....
And for your dad,............. I know he aches like crazy inside. Yesterday Liahona earned all her school stickers on her chart and it was her turn to go out with dad. They went bowling, something that you loved to do. She sat in the car with him, and I know that he must have reflected on the time that the two of you would go out golfing together. I know he misses you terribly!
And as for me, your mother,...........It literally kills me with internal pain inside. I may look fine on the outside but if you really sat down to talk to me, the wall would just break down with how much this just hurts to have your presence gone from us. I try so hard not to be bitter, angry, and jealous of others; I have had a lot of repenting to do from my lack of strength. If you would have asked me if I thought I would have gotten this trial, I would have told you... "Oh that happens to other people, not me." And yet here I am, in the worst nightmare that I never thought I would be given, nor ready. But who is ever READY for such a trial. I have come to realize that because many do not have this hard trial to face with loosing a personal loved one with learning about the gift of eternal life; that the Lord created animals for us to love. To take into our homes, join us as part of our families, and then see them go. Helping us understand in a small measure of the pain of loss, and to think and ponder about what it would be to lose a loved one. Hopefully teaching and preparing us to always be willing to do what the Lord asks of us, because really HE "IS" the one who knows EVERYTHING. And I am so glad he does Caleb, SO GLAD! Because of my insignificant knowledge and understand of this, I have no choice but to further put my trust on my Savior Jesus Christ.
Easter time is coming and because it hits so close to home it's just another one of those hard dates coming up. I am so grateful for my Savior coming down and fulfilling the Work of Our Father in Heaven, to help us all to be able to come back and live with him again. What if he didn't do all that for us? Say for a minute that there was no Savior? That Jesus's death and crucifixion were not part of the plan for us on this earth. That would make our lives that we live here on earth, all lived in vain, all the knowledge that we obtained, the skills, the talents acquired, all our family ties.... all for nothing, for we would not live again, so once we die that's it our bodies would remain in our earthy graves forever. But this I know, as you know too, that both Death and Resurrection "ARE" part of the plan, the plan to bring true happiness. And because Jesus did come and did die for us, we can be eternally blessed through his infinite atonement, for there is no life lived in vain who have HOPE in Christ.
I am so grateful to know that life is Short and Temporary. For the whole purpose of life is for us to acquire all the knowledge, skills, talents needed to because more like our Savior Jesus Christ, to live with our families and loved ones again. Thank goodness there is a purpose, that there is a way, that we are given this chance to prove ourselves worthy to come home. We are doing our best Caleb, we will NOT fail you, we will be an eternal family someday, hopefully sooner for all our sakes. Love you Our Buddy Boy! =)Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers: How Caleb liked to eat hot cereals for breakfast like: malt'o meal, and oatmeal. He liked the oatmeal packets the best, because they were used on our special family camping trips.

Liahona remembers: How Caleb loved the Primary song called, "I want to be a Missionary Now."

Mom (Tanya) remembers: How Caleb would move his finger up and down really fast over his lips. And would make a really high pitched sound for as long as he could hold his breath, making his face turn Red....(which his mother didn't like.)

Dad (Eric) remembers: How Caleb loved March Madness, and voting for which team would win.

For Our Caleb- 6th Month

2010-02-24T19:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Caleb,

This video was made by your Daddy. It's a great piece of work in which honors you, our sweet Caleb, of whom we will always be grateful for your love and great example. From this video we can feel of your wonderful spirit, and all the great things you accomplished in your life. We are very so proud of you. You fought a good fight, and finished your life with flying colors. A parent cannot be anymore proud, then we are!! We love you Caleb! And we are ever so grateful that the time is coming near for us to be with you again, very soon.
Love Your Mommy and Daddy

Memories:

Tamara remembers: How Caleb liked to play 'Lord of the Rings' with Dad on his Game Cube.

Liahona remembers: Ridding and sitting in the back of the van, and Caleb was between her and Tamara. Once Tamara fell asleep and her head hung down in front of her, and Liahona asked Caleb to help push her head back up to one side of the head rest, and he did. Then her head hung back down over and over again, and Caleb would help the sleeping Tamara out again and again.

Mom remembers: That Caleb has the most beautiful ice blue color eyes she has ever seen.

Dad remembers: During the spring, how Caleb liked to have pinecone fights. And during the winter, how Caleb loved to have snowball fights. Competition was a big fun game for Caleb.

5th Month

2010-01-23T08:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Caleb Boy,
We have been making a family memory journal about you since the day after the accident. I was wanting to get 365 memories before the New Year so I could make 'A Memory a Day' calendar for us to enjoy throughout this whole next year ahead of us, taking you with us into our new journeys. We have 484 entries written down in your honor, and it keeps growing everyday. How grateful we are to know that these memories are ours forever, and no one can ever take them away from us. As we re-read them, we can't help but laugh and giggle as we remember with you, the great and funny things that you did, that brought us all so much joy. The pain is still very painful at times, but we don't allow ourselves to go there, or else we could get too deep over our heads, which would just make things harder with the healing and pressing onward. Of which in the scriptures we are reminded of that very thing when the Prophet Joseph Smith spoke to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 1842 in Nauvoo Illinois, "Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing. Let the dead speak forth anthems of eternal praise to the King Immanuel, who hath ordained, before the world was, that which would enable us to redeem them out of their prison; for the prisoners shall go free." We have so much trust and love in the Savior that we know that what he promises will indeed come to pass, and is indeed true. Perhaps people may say, "But to put your trust completely in the hands of God, is weak. For we are strong and we can carry our own weight. For is it a silly thing to fully put your trust in something, or someone you can't see? " To them we can say, that it surely does NOT make one weak. After the accident my body hurt incredibly after the wreck. And on top of it, my body felt to be as heavy as lead, and I literally could NOT get out of bed on my own. Our bodies are weak, as to our flesh. But yet I still had duties and responsibilities as a mother to my 3 other children and as a wife, and just as being me. For all the strength of my own was NOT enough, I am humble enough to admit that. Lying there in my bed powerless, but knowing that I could not stay there, I knew that I had to do something. I have only heard that the power of prayer was a very strong source of strength, however I am also humble to admit that I didn't fully understand what that meant. UNTIL now! I started to pray harder than I have ever prayed before, pleading for help to move, the strength to be able to handle the demands of being a mom, a wife, and just me. Somehow in small forms, little by little each day I managed to survive yet another day, with just enough energy to climb into bed to just start yet another day..... The aches and pains were terribly strong, and from moving throughout the day they seemed to make the pains stronger once I laid down on my bed. But throughout the day as I kept moving, they didn't seems to hold me back, in doing my duties, and fulfilling my responsibilities. Then it hit me one day, the strength that came was indeed NOT my own, for I could not do all my duties that needed to be done each day, I just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep forever... on my own it was physically impossible. So what have I learned from all of this? That all that extra strength that came to my aide at the time I needed it was completely from the Lord, through my pleading prayers, little by little my he allowed me that ease and help to bear my earthly burden. This challenge is defiantly the hardest that I have ever had to endure. The constant physical reminders of each day from the loss of your sweet presence, pulls at our very heartstrings. Though now the pain is strong, our JOY WILL be even GREATER then.
The other Saturday, I finished our journey that we had started Caleb. I drove out to the crash site and found the scout store there in Walton. It wasn't too far, and yes we were heading in the right direction, and because we did not make it to our destination, I wanted to finish it for us. It was one of the hardest days I have had since the wreck. As I walked into the scout store I had so many negative emotions that flooded my mind, as I tearfully gathered the pocket knife and scout shirt that we were planning on getting for you, and placed everything on the counter to purchase all my tears came pouring out, leaving the poor lady speechless. I attempted through my sobs to explain our journey that was never finished, and that I was here finishing our journey. And then she handed me my items and said have a nice day. I balled all the way out to the car, in the car, and all the way home. Then after a long 5months our Neon was finally released from those that were investigating the wreck. I have been thinking long and hard about whether or not to go see the car in person once it was released, and I realized that I did NOT need that for my personal healing, and how this would actually make it worse for me instead of helping me heal. Eric and a wonderful family friend John, went to gather our belongs from the car. There are 2 big bags full of items that were from inside the Neon, including your shoes and mine. Dad said finding your shoes was one of the emotionally hardest parts to have had to deal with there. We were unable to get back any of your personal belongs from the wreck. And I really wanted your red soccer shirt back and your favorite army shoes that you were wearing. Now we have your favorite lucky shoes back, of which I am so glad to have. We are hoping to get special new soccer shirts in your honor from the company that made them for Capital Soccer Association league that you played on.
You know Caleb, all and all we are doing Okay, you can't blame us for not doing any better, and most likely that's all we will ever be for the rest of our mortal lives. In which we are ever so grateful for the promised blessing of being an eternal family. That you will always have your place in our little family, the Oldest big brother. Even though we miss you more each day, we are grateful to know that we are ONE DAY closer to you as each passes by. We love you! Love Your Mommy

Our Family Memories:

We remember for Montey that Caleb would not only wrestle with him, but would often encourage it.

Tamara remembers how Caleb would go crazy happy when onions were being served with dinner. And how he would pick them out of his salad and eat them plain.

Liahona remembers how Caleb taught her how to drink from the refrigerator waterspout without using a cup. And how they both enjoyed getting a drink of water this way.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb taught her how to play Pokémon and do the math to keep track to see who would win.

Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb likes to play darts. And how he would often get competitive and disappointed when he threw a bad shot, but then he would get very excited and proud of himself when he threw a good shot, especially when it was better than dad.

Our Fourth Month....

2009-12-24T18:08:00.001-08:00

Dear Caleb,

We are very grateful that we are one more day closer to you, as crazy hard as this has all been... We cannot wait for that day to see your sweet face and give you our hugs and kisses that have been placed on the shelf for now. There have already been so many placed on the shelf that the shelf can barely stay up. Dad and I have hit rock bottom many times when we allow ourselves to view life through our mortal eyes. Our arms ache for your sweet hugs, and long for your sweet touch. We ever so miss you, our sweet Buddy Boy. Life hurts and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. In which we are very so grateful to be reminded of the Reason of this Season, the birth of Our Savior Jesus Christ. It is only through and of him that we can even have the strength to move from one day to the next. As hard as it will be, to have to Celebrate this time without your sweet physical presence, we know that your spirit will be ever so near. Oh how you loved this time of year, playing in the snow, playing Christmas with your sisters, and getting so anxious that your joys make us smile ever so big. We are reminded more and more that to live our earthly life with even the least bit of joy, that we must live and view life with our spiritual eyes. If there has been anything for us to gain and understand from all of this right now, it would be that you have shown us that there is just a Better way to live our mortal lives down here on earth. I have talked to others that have lost children and they said that for them "It was a reminder for them to turn around and come back to God." I struggled with that for awhile, I couldn't understand how that would we for us. Being a faithful Christian and church going people, always having family prayer and scripture study, doing all that we could to stay close to the Lord by keep the commandments that have been taught to us through the scriptures.... I just didn't understand what this was all suppose to mean to us. What were we suppose to learn from such a tragedy? Then one day it hit me like a load of bricks, it wasn't that we were straying from the Lord and that it was suppose to turn us around back towards the Lord. It was the fact that "Yes" we were living a good life, but there is just a BETTER way to do it.

In the talk 'Good, Better, Best' by Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, "The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives."
"We should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best."
"We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families."

Caleb, Thank you for showing us that there is a better way for us to live our mortal lives here on earth, by living with and through our spiritual eyes. We could not continue our earthly journey without this small insight that has opened our minds and hearts to a big and brighter view. Thank goodness for our Savior and the truth that he truly has come to save us all and show us how we can return back home. That there is a real purpose on life, and that all of our work, effort, and experiences are not in vain, but for a wise and eternal purpose.
We love you so much Caleb. We know that you will be near us at this Christmas Season. Thank you, for staying close.
Love, Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers: How Caleb loved the Nebraska summer rain-less storms with the thunder and lighting.
Liahona remembers: Playing water spray tag with Caleb. If you got sprayed 3 times then it was your turn to be the sprayer. They would run around in their swimsuits to play the game, (even in the winter time.)
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How Caleb was the only one who could remember our garage door code number.
Dad (Eric) remembers: How hyper Caleb would get as he tried and worked hard to get on and off his new bike that he got for his 8th birthday. And how he got better with not crashing into things and falling over when stopping.

Forgot to Post Memories

2009-11-28T06:52:00.000-08:00

Tamara remembers that Caleb liked to tuck his legs into his pajama shirts.

Liahona remembers that Caleb would always open up glass jars for her. Because they were too tight for her, but not for her strong brother.

Mom remembers how Caleb would put himself in time out if he did something wrong, or did something he thought would place him in time out. Then Mom or Dad would walk by and see him sitting in time out and ask him "What are you doing?" And Caleb would say, "Sitting in time out." Then Mom or Dad would say "Ok, did you learn your lessons?"....while holding back giggles. Caleb would say, "Yes." And then Mom or Dad would tell him he could come off time out then, and that we loved him.

Dad remembers fighting with light sabers with Caleb while listening to the 'Dual of the Fates' from Star Wars Episode 1 cd.

Our Miracle Month...

2009-11-25T08:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Caleb,
I can't believe that we are only going on the third month since you graduated from this world, because it seems like so much longer then that. My body hurts and aches nonstop everyday, just reminding me in everyway that life will never be the same again.... and how could it? Without your physical presence here, it is so hard, and so very weird to not have you near to hug and squeeze, and kiss you goodnight. I miss doing our neat handshake that we made up each night, as I would tuck you into bed. I miss having your cars and toys laying around to trip over. I miss having you get Monety out of bed each morning and turning on PBS kids for the girls. The hurt and ache are so strong most days, that trying to move through life without you just brings me to tears. I have just wished and prayed to know that you are still near us, because we so desparately still need you, our Buddy Boy.
(Of which the Lord was mindful of my prayer, and answered it this month.) This is how he answered us:
This summer while being in Nauvoo after your Baptism, I placed our small red samsung camera in the diaper bag, because the memory was all full. Later, I remember taking it out as I digging for a toy for Montey to play with. And as we were unpacking once we got home I could not find that small read camera anywhere. I didn't worry too much about it at first. Thinking that we would run into it sometime with unpacking, but It never showed. Then the accident happened, and I realized that the ONLY pictures we had from your 8th birthday was on that camera. I felt So sick to my stomach. We had NO pictures of you turning 8. Pictures mean the world to me, and to loose your last birthday year, made my head swirl. I could not believe that I would not have those memories for the rest of my life. I called the visitors centers, all the hotels, for months and still no one had seen the small red camera. It had been 4 long months,and the chances of finding that camera was very slim on my own. I didn't know where to find it, but I knew the Lord did. And to find this camera would mean the world to me, just to have those non-replacable memories back would bring me so much comfort.
It was a Sunday night when we watched the movie "The Prince of Egpyt." And there was a song that said "There can be miracles, when you believe..." And that night I prayed ever so hard, that somehow, that someway, the Lord would help bring this camera back to me.
The next Morning I thought to check the bags and backpacks that we took, that we had already check many, many times. They were always empty because we have already unpacked everything months ago. As I went to zip open the back pack carrier, out flew our small read samsung camera. Both Eric and I have looked through that back pack and it was not there before. It was a PURE MIRACLE, that's all there is to it.
Caleb I know that you were always very mindful of us. You never liked to see anyone hurting. So I would like to think that it must have been you that picked up our camera, and placed it in a spot that you knew we would find it. And we can not thankyou enough for bring this miracle into our lives, to let us know that you ARE there and that you are STILL with us.
I DO believe in miracles, and know that they can and will happen when we believe, even if something has been lost for 4months. The Lord is so mindful of what we need to help us heal, and feel his love. I will ever be so grateful for this miracle in our family's life.
We Love you Caleb, Love your Mommy

Caleb's Corner

2009-11-05T05:42:00.000-08:00

We went to Caleb's Corner (the crash site), this Monday for family night. Something that I have been feeling the need to go and do, but didn't have strength to do it until now. It was named by our best friends, which are our Nebraska cousins, The Draper Family. Our 4 kids have done everything with them and their 4 kids since we moved here. It's not every often when you find a family where there is one friend for each of your children. We have been greatly blessed.
Going to Caleb's Corner was very awkward needless to say. As we got closer you could feel everyone's anxiety, as silence filled our car, not even a peep from Montey. There is just over 1/4 of a mile that I do not remember driving from the accident. There was one part before that when I was driving with Caleb where I had deja vu. I had seen a person's tall ranch sign before, like I had been to that place before, which I had not. I had slight hopes this past Monday, that perhaps I would remember that rest of that road, but that was not to be. Eric says that it was part of my body's defence mechanism. It still drives me crazy not knowing what really happened. Perhaps someday it will come back to me.

Here is the cross and flowers that we got in honor of Caleb. We noticed that 2 bunches of yellow flowers were already there when we arrived, which really touched and warmed our hearts. There is no place like Nebraska, the people here are amazingly kind and thoughtful.

Here is us at Caleb's Corner.

This was actually a mistake picture that was taken, but I love it. It has the feeling of all three of our spirits together, Caleb's cross, and the shadow of Eric and I. Not to mention the three trees in the background.

Thanks for all your continued love and support. We appreciate all your prayers, we can feel them carrying us each day. As we know that this strength is not our own, but is from the Lord above. We could NOT continue living each day if it were not for his loving grace. This is so hard to carry from day to day, but we know that he is making it a little easier and a little lighter for us. In which we are ever so grateful. So THANK YOU for the very much NEEDED prayers, Love The Mathison's

Second Month, Still Tremendously Hard.....

2009-10-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

Oh Sweet Caleb,
How do we do this without you? To not see your sweet face each morning, hear your kind voice, laugh with you as you giggle hysterically. So many things we have taken for granted thinking, "Oh we will do that tomorrow, tomorrow we will get to that, tomorrow we will go to that place you want to go." Nothing shakes you more then coming to the understanding that all we really do have is today! Why did we just assume that tomorrow would come? Our hearts hurt so much, this pain is so hard to bear. Honestly how can one move on from such a hard blow, with having you here with us, then with just a blink of an eye you are not. Here we are on the second month from the terrible accident, and yet it feels SO much longer then that. Making us sick to our stomachs to think how SLOW time on earth goes. We pray each day that the millennium will come quickly, to ease our heartache and so many others grief and pain as well. Each day I wake up and say "Are you kidding me I have to do another day...." I know the millennium maybe longer than we want but, I know the Lord will answer the righteous desires of one's heart. So we will pray on, hope on, and move on as best as we can. Knowing that we move on not to forget, but we move on to keep you alive with us, your memories, your life, your spirit. Why do parents have to loose their little children, we may never really know, but we know that the Lord does. And why did he give this hard challenge to us, we may never know, but we know that the Lord does. And for this we will trust in him, because he does know the bigger picture, Thank goodness. All I can say is that, I know that I will have all sorts of questions for him to answer when I see him. And for you sweet Caleb I still think you cut in line and for that I still think you should get a spanking when I get home. However, Liahona is good to remind me that it wasn't your fault that you left, but that the Lord needed you, so I should not spank you. =) You two, my Irish Twins were always looking out of each other, and I have a feeling you still will.
We love you so much and miss you so much, that it hurts to breathe. Please stay close to us, we still need you.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers that Caleb would always ask, "Who wants to play soccer with me?"

Liahona remembers that Caleb would always say, "When are we going to the library?" (Because he would want to check out a new computer game or recheck out one of his favorite library computer games.)

Mom (Tanya) remembers how much Caleb loved the Nebraska bugs. He was always trying to capture and catch them. He would often catch bugs to make a bug zoo this summer. He and his best friend Dylan would make fliers and hang them up on lightposts to get people to come. Charging only 5cent per person, but mom paid them 25cent per person instead.

Dad (Eric) remembers how much Caleb loved to play Army Man Blackcat Attack game for the Fourth of July. He would often try to talk his dad into playing it throughout the year.

Caleb's Room

2009-10-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

Pictures of Caleb's walls, they way he created them. His most loved things: His Savior Jesus Christ, the Prophet Thomas S. Monson, his Starwars posters, and his Transformers stickers. Plus a picture of his library books. He begged and begged to go to the library, and when I finally got around to it he was disappointed that they didn't have his favorite computer game, "Zoo Tycoon." We now have that game, in Honor our Sweet Caleb.

Our 1st Difficult Month

2009-09-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Caleb,

It is so hard to wake up each morning knowing that we don't get to see your sweet face smiling at us. So today is the anniversary of our terrible accident. And as I said before, "I am so sorry!" Gosh we love you so much, I am sorry that we weren't able to pick out that scout shirt for you, or to have you pick out your first pocket knife. You mentioned while we were driving that you were hungry and we were going to stop at the store on the way home to buy bread for you to make a sandwich when we got home, and you were going to show me what the "S" gum was that you wanted to buy. I loved hearing you talk about football, and how excited you were that Football season was starting up again. You were so excited that the Oregon Ducks opening game was going to be on that week. And the cute little boy that you are, we would have let up stay up late with your daddy to watch it. It wasn't the same watching it without you. We hope that you are doing better in heaven, because we are a mess here on earth. This pain is terrible, one that I would NEVER wish upon my worst of worst enemies, not that I do have any, but no one should ever have to loose their precious children. It should have been you saying goodbye to us, as we got old and gray.
Please always know that WE Love you! Love your Mommy

Memories:

Liahona remembers how Caleb would play the throw game and would pick up Montey and would throw him onto a pillow on the couch. And Montey would laugh so hard he would want to have Caleb do it again, and again.

Tamara remembers that Caleb's favorite colors were Black and Gold.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how her and Caleb would use a secret code with saying I love you. We would blink three times back and forth at each other, to say we loved one another.

Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb would get online and go to ESPN to see what teams were playing that week. And would happily announce to his dad what games he wanted to watch that week. (Each new season represented what sport he was currently into.

Fall= College Football
Winter= College Basketball, loved doing his own brackets for March Madness
Spring= Soccer for him
Summer= Pro Baseball

*Please leave your memories of Caleb here on his site, under any comment box.
Thank you

Our Beginning Story

2009-09-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

Caleb came to our family June 23rd, 2001. While we were poor students attending Rick's College. Having a little newborn baby to take care of seemed to be overwhelming. If only babies could come with their own manuals, it would make things so much easier and less stressful. But his special presence gave us a real reason to live and be alive. He gave us our true purpose, of why we are here... to be in families, to grow and learn and help each other, as we grow closer to the Lord together.
Going from being single, then newlyweds, then to being parents all within 1 year, were each huge obsticles in themselves. But to know our real purpose, that's completely priceless, of which we will forever be grateful of all the growth and knowledge and strength we have received from learning from our first child. Nothing will take away those joys and precious memories that bonded us together from day one, when we held him at the hospital. Life stood still, as we lived on cloud 9 being our own family, greeting our son who finally came into our lives. There was so much joy, there was so much happiness, there was so much love.... Caleb you will Always, Always, Always be loved!