~~We LOVE The Gospel Of Jesus Christ~~

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Monday, September 29, 2014

Staying Motivated is the Art of Living

Dear Caleb,

I have nothing of great importance to say, but I feel the need that I should still check in with you, to help me to at least stay sane. It is past the 24th and 25th of this month,  I oft think that I can get by and carry on without needing to write to you, but I am always wrong. I start to die down and tend to stop functionally as well without spending time with you. Though it is never enough, but I will take what I can get- A small measly letter moment to be with you, to shut out the world and to think about you is a gift. I start off the month with the most vigor that I can muscle, and as the month passes and slowly comes upon the 24th and the 25th I start shutting down and motivation seems to disappear from my grasp. I do not know yet how to stay motivated to keep me moving and functioning appropriately. I suppose that is part of the challenge that I do not want to have to face.

We have moved 3 times since you were with us. At first I yearned for all these moves because I always thought in the new move, in the new place, that is when and where I would be happy... and it never came. I never knew why until now. It is because I was always looking to find you, to find that instant joy, to find that instant healing.... always comparing it to our wonderful Heartland of Nebraska. I often find it a little humorous because when we first moved there in 2007 I wanted nothing to do with the place. And I simply refused to be a Husker Football fan. Now I want nothing else but I be back in our place of joys, to that place that makes me feel of you near by and brings a smile to my face. If we could, I would have us move back in a heart beat, but it isn't meant to be so, and not everyone needs that physical peaceful reminder of your sweet face like I do. I long for Nebraska, to be home, for that is where my heart is, that is where you are alive.   And I miss it. I compare every place that we have moved to, to this very high pedestal and nothing has ever come close. I feel bad for all the places that I have put through so much of my emotional constipation: Cavalero, South Lake, Union. I have in 5 years made huge strides since then but, I know it is not enough, and I have yet such a long way to go...

I suppose  I should be grateful and celebrate the journey in how far we have come... but I think celebrate what?! How far we have yet to go?? I do not want to do that, in reminding myself of the journey that we have yet ahead of us- the path, the burden, the tireless road that we have yet to walk and face. But if that road gets us closer to you, then I will walk it. I will bare it and carry it so that we will ever be worthy to be with you again. I can not deviate from this path because I could not stand the thought of seeing a disappointed look on your sweet face when we unite with you someday. I am tired, I am weary of soul, I am a mother carrying a broken heart but I am of much Hope. I know that through our weaknesses that we are made strong through Jesus Christ the Son of God. I have felt his goodness that hoists me up when I am low, and carries me when I am feeble. Thank goodness there is a God that is keenly aware of us and knows how to bring us comfort and inner peace of mind and heart.

XOXOXOXO Love You Ever so much Our Caleb! Love Your Forever Mommy XOXOXOXO

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Inheritance of Hope

Dear Caleb,

My last letter was just an emotional  outburst, which I greatly needed to release in helping to clear my mind and ease my aching heart. I have to do that from time to time, especially when it is around very difficult days that cause me to Reflect and  Remember so much of the past.

I am thankful for such kind friends in their encouraging words of support, helping me to push and pull through the thickness of it all. Am I a complete and utter failure from all that has transpired these past 5 years? No, I know that I am not. But I do know that there are obvious things that I can do better, and yet there are things that have already happened that I can not change. With those certain things I am trying to be at peace, for what is done is done, and have the courage to admit that I am not perfect and continue to move forward. I am not the best example of courage and faithfully fulfilling the duties and responsibilities that are given or more entrusted to me. I think about when your siblings are older and looking back at these hard times for our family, will they feel that I have given them a example of hope when things are hard from them, or will I just have caused more disturbances on their heart and mind to deal with later?? Gosh I truly hope that I can change and do better, in helping them to be successful here and now. For that is where we are, so that is truly where my focus and heart needs to be, to be here for them because I can.

There was something pretty profound that Elder Eyring in the 1st Presidency of the church of Jesus Christ said, "You choose to leave an Inheritance of Hope to those who might follow your example."
Those that come to my mind immediately when I think of an Inheritance of Hope are the Mormon Pioneers. They did not "have" to face hunger, fatigue, or even death as they crossed the plains, but they yielded to such unfavorable circumstances to receive the promise of Zion. Where they could have religious freedom and a place to worship their Lord their God, in they way they were guided and directed.
Also I think of Our Savior, Jesus Christ as he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. There he prayed to God asking for the bitter cup to be removed from him, that he would not have to drink it. But then He yielded to such unfavorable circumstances drank the cup, therefore giving mankind HOPE in this world and in the next.

I know what I need to do, but it is not easy. Elder Eyring also said, "Our duties and responsibilities must sometimes be difficult because their purpose is to move us along the path to our eternal home." If this is my goal, and our family's goal, then it is time to put on my courage face on and strive to be that example of Hope that I want to be, and choose to continue to follow the footsteps of my utmost favorite example of Inheritance of Hope.

"... Because Adam and Eve did fall, we have temptations, trials, and death as our universal inheritance. However, our loving Heavenly Father gave us the gift of His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, as our Savior. That great gift and blessing of the Atonement of Jesus Christ brings a universal inheritance: the promise of the Resurrection and the possibility of eternal life to all who are born."

I am thankful for the greatest of all blessings of God- Eternal Life. I know that this promise will be ours, I just hope that in the mean time as I am waiting for these glorious promises to be fulfilled that my face of courage can stay constant and permanent and not easily be removed... but I am working on that, I guess that is why I am still here.

How we LOVE you Caleb! Keep pulling for us, how we need you, oh how we always need you! Love Love and More Love For You. Love Your Mommy


Friday, September 5, 2014

Reflecting is all that I have Left of You

Dear Caleb,

 So Your Angel Day has come and passed, it amazes me that this marks 5 years on your mission. It pains me that I don't get to send you packages or receive letters to hear how you are doing... it breaks my heart to only have to guess what you are doing and how you are doing. I would like to think that you are enjoying your mission, and that you are bringing much happiness into the hearts of those that you are teaching of Christ in Paradise. I know that the feelings and emotions we leave this world with, stay with us as we return to our eternal home.

 So I suppose it is natural for a mom to still feel worried about her child when they are physically away from our care. All your anxieties I hope are doing better if not completely gone? And I wonder how much of our family struggling has had an effect on you serving. Are you smiling and laughing or has our struggles hindered your abilities as you see us ache, hurt and cry because our hearts long to be with you again? I am sorry if I have caused you to have lack of joy in paradise, because of my grief and our grief to carry on without you. It is so much harder then I ever could have imagined. I have hurt so many relationships with friends and family due to my struggling to keep living. I haven't been a very good mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend these past 5 years, and I have lost some very special friendships along the way. Failure Failure Failure is all that I continue to see in and of myself. Struggling has become the very essence of what I am. I have to keep asking myself is this where I really want to stay?? Will this road really make me, us, our family happy?? Though it has been 5 years, the events, the pain, it is still fresh to me and my heart- for it feels like just yesterday. It is only when I notice your siblings growing older and getting bigger that I am reminded that it has been a tad bit longer then just yesterday. There are so many others that have such fresher wounds and hurts then I, then we. And I know it is time to focus more on helping to comfort others in their grief and pain, then on our own. I have to remind myself that by choosing to do this, that it doesn't mean I am choosing to give up on you or our family- I am hoping that it will do the opposite and help our family as we help others at the same time.

 I profoundly miss your ever precious spirit, of love and life. So much energy, so much light you illuminated and circulated about you- touching the lives of so many, and still doing so today. Reflecting, Reflecting, Reflecting is all that I have left with you and of you at this time. I know that we will be given more someday, I just pray that it is sooner more than later.
Love You My Caleb, Love Your Mommy