Moments.

Dear Caleb,

This past month has been pretty interesting to say the least. I have been experiencing what I would like to call "moments."I have been trying to get sparks of any kind of interest, to get me moving and feeling connected to this life again. I keep thinking that perhaps I just need to go back to my roots of what I liked doing before: dancing, photography, scrap booking, running... And it would fan those sparks and turn into desires and passion again to pick up and start anew. This is were I have been having my "moments." I get an inkling of interest that will come out of no where and I will feel passionate about it for a day or two, and then it would stop. Then I will think of something else, feel all passionate about that, and then it too would stop. I am searching and hoping for that certain "moment" that will engrave on my soul to stay. I just wished that I had such natural talent at something, ANYTHING, that I could just start off at and work from there, but I do not.

I want to leave behind a legacy of something that I have done, something that I have accomplished, some imprint that I have left behind for your siblings when it is time for me to go be with you. I do not want to live my life in idle anymore- it is time to move, but I do not know in what, nor in what way.
I sure hope I find my niche soon, I feel that I am just on borrowed time, and it is ticking.

One thing that I found to see in a different light these days is facebook. Before the accident I was on it probably more then I should have, when I could have spent more time with you and I HATED myself for it. So I VOWED to NEVER be on facebook again. I would only reactivate my account long enough every once in awhile to get people's contact information, then I would deactivate it. Your father reactivated my account 2 summers ago, and I kept going back and forth deciding if I should keep it open or to close it. I have come to realize that for me to leave it open could potentially be a selfish thing if I were to spend more time in cyber space then in the physical world with those that I love. But to have me completely close it would be a selfish motive because I would be saying that those distant friends and family mean nothing to me to stay in touch with them... and I wouldn't want them to feel that way. It is also through facebook that I have learned, that it is a great support system with more than just the physical family and friends living around me. And I have felt the great importance to be there for those friends and family, because when I see that there is a need (that only one who knows grief can see), I am able to take almost immediate action into bringing comfort and support their way.

I can see myself moving, but it is in very small increments. Another thing about moving is that I made it to a place I NEVER thought I would come too. I am now okay with us moving away, if we come to that path again for our family, I do not need to stay here anymore. This Easter season speaks this truth to me all the more intently, "Your site is empty, for you are Risen." I know that God raised Christ from the tomb, and so has he you for your mission. And when Christ comes you will be coming down as a Resurrected being to us. So, I do not need to be where you are not, for your site is empty, and I can rejoice in this gift, in this knowledge at this most JOYEST TIME EVER! Oh how I LOVE EASTER! Oh how I LOVE JESUS CHRIST, and making this ALL possible for us all to be together again.

Happy Easter K-bub! Happy, Happy Easter to YOU.
With All My Love, Love Your Mommy