~~We LOVE The Gospel Of Jesus Christ~~

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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Caleb Mathison Memorial Scholarship

 Here was your banquet that was held in your honor at BryanLGH College of Health Sciences in Lincoln Nebraska in September.





Monday, September 24, 2012

Swirling Emotions of September

Dear Caleb,

Well we went back to the land of Nebraska, where our hearts have been since we moved away from there, for an event held in your honor.

Your scholarship has been endowed and we were able to hand out the first award to the first chosen recipient. It went well, your Dad did a great job, yet it was a very difficult thing to accomplish. I thought maybe perhaps this visit would be a good healing trip, but I was wrong. However, what it did do was give me a nice slap on the face to reality. I know things don't stay the same for too long, and I shouldn't have expected it to be the same as we left it, but I kind of hoped that it would... Dad kept reminding me as we saw change after change, construction after construction, that we should be grateful that none of those things took place while we lived there. And I have to agree, that would have been hard to see, and now there is officially no going back to the past, but only forwards. When we came home I felt like for the first time in years I had both my body and heart together in one place. Before I was physically here in Washington, but my heart was in Nebraska. That has been a huge challenge with wanting to be in two places at once, so I suppose you can say that I have mentally and emotionally made the journey home.

It is interesting to think about things that used to be hard for us to handle only now seem like a piece of cake: To be young and poor college students, having 5 pregnancies, 4 children under the age of 7, moving 11 times, never seeing your father because he was either in school or at work, not having a lot of extended family support because we always lived far away from them.... I would take all of that back hands down, compared to what we get to live with now til the end of our mortal lives. The weight is 100 times worse and heavy to carry. I compare it a lot to the 10 Commandments that God gave to the children of Israel. There was a time that I struggled at some of these, but now they are easy to me. I do not have a hard time Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy, I do not steal, I do not lie, I do not commit adultery... I have no problems keeping these Commandments they have become a piece of cake to me. But there is yet another commandment that is found in the scriptures. "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life." (3 Nephi 15:9) Now, being asked to endure to the end... that is something I fear is beyond what i can do. This is a very overwhelming thing that I now get to live with in facing to accomplish everyday. It is a tiring and daunting task at times. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let the world just move around me as I just stay still. I can not keep up at it's pace, I seem to get trampled every time I try. I just do not move to way I use too. I just do not think the way I use too. Sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing, or a hindering thing to our family? I have yet to really figure it out.

This new baby girl will not know what I used to be like, what our family used to be like, what you are like physically, and it hurts my heart. I have grasped the idea that it is okay that others do not understand how difficult it is to me, for us to be raising another child after temporary loosing you. It is not the typical kind of pregnancy, it has been different, very very different. Emotions are way high, and we are trying to kick our anxieties to the curb, but that natural man in us is the true enemy, which always gets the best of us. We have 3 months left til she arrives. And I have to keep reminding myself that obviously the Lord trusts us enough to be given yet another one of his precious little children to bring into this world, and he truly is the one who knows all things. So if he trusts me as a mother for this child, why can't I trust myself? I am trying to borrow all the confidence from God, from others that so willing share their excitement and confidence with us having another child; that I am hoping through time I will start believing it too, and feel emotionally that I can do this again along with dealing with depression. It is a very scary undertaking, all I have is my trust in God that he really knows what he is doing because I would still like to think otherwise.

How I wish I could take back all the cake trials of the past... I actually miss them. These current ones are beyond my own strength, Caleb what are we to do without you and yet gaining another one????? Our hearts are broken, how can one keep loving with a broken heart? It hurts to love because the agony of seeing you leave for a time is the real temporary torture where no ease seems to come until we are all together again. I suppose I will just keep trying to trust in God's new direction, in his new path for us, though it was never what I had ever anticipated. I am tired of feeling like a circus attraction, but our family is forever changed and keeps changing so I suppose I need to start dealing with all the eyes and comments til the end... I suppose such is life anyways.

Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy


Sunday, September 23, 2012

September Memories Made in 2009

Sept 1st- LIahona remembers how Caleb would play the throw game and would pick up Montey and throw him onto a pillow on the couch. Montey would laugh so hard he would want to have Caleb do it again.

Sept 2nd- Mom remembers how Caleb would take the time to play soccer with Montey, teaching him how to kick the ball back and forth with Caleb.

Sept 3rd- Mom remembers how Caleb would encourage Montey to play rough with him, and to wrestle with him and to play fight and hit him, especially on Caleb's stomach when he was lying down.

Sept 4th- Tamara remembers how Caleb always loved to eat candy and always wanted treats.

Sept 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would match her Barbie movies with her. (that is if all his computer time was up, and he was bored with nothing else to do.)

Sept 6th- Mom remembers how the movie 'The Spiderwick Chronicles' would scare Caleb, and he doesn't scare too easily. So he would tough through it if his sisters wanted to watch it. Or he would act like he didn't want to watch a movie, if that was the chosen one for the day.

Sept 7th- Mom remembers the last time going to the movies on a Mother-Son outing. And both being scared of the movie 'Coraline.'

Sept 8th- Liahona remembers going sledding together as a family on the mountain and Caleb slid down right into the whole 'of which they called the snake pit' and just laughed and giggled when he came out. What a great sport, to laugh in the face of danger. =)

Sept 9th- Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to play with his turtle Alex.
Tamara remembers how he saved two turtles from being run over by dad as he was mowing the lawn. And how she found the third which she named Max. And Liahona named her's Peter.

Sept 10th- Mom remembers how Caleb loved black olives. The only one in our family.
Liahona remembers how Caleb would put the olives on all his fingers and go Arrr and chase her and Tamara.

Sept 11th- Tamara remembers how she would chase Caleb and try to kiss him! And he would run away from her, yelling for Help and Liahona would try and help him.

Sept 17th- Liahona remembers how Caleb would play tease Tamara by taking one of her babies and say, 'Tamara I have your baby.' She would say 'Hey' and run after him to get it. (Sometimes he would give it to Liahona and Liahona would pass it back to Caleb.)

Sept 18th- Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to play fighting computer games.

Sept 19th- Liahona remembers that Caleb's favorite action figures to play were his star war guys,( yet he didn't play with them very much because he always said he didn't have enough guys to play with. And always wanted more battle droids.)

Sept 20- Liahona remembers when she would play tug-of-war with Caleb, she would always win. And he was always a good sport at first but with each loss he would get more mad and yell 'That's not fair' and stomp off.

Sept 21th- Mom remembers how Caleb had the most sensitive nose ever. He was always complaining about how something was always SO smelly.

Sept 22nd- Liahona remembers how Caleb was afraid of elevators and going upstairs where you can see down through the cracks.

Sept 23rd- Tamara remembers sometimes Caleb would be mean to her, but would apologize and say he was sorry. Then they would play together again.

Sept 24th- Liahona remembers using the mickey mouse walkie talkies and playing on the mountain with Caleb. And they would take turns hiding on the mountains and the other would find them, as the one hiding would give them directions to their hiding spot.

Sept 25th- Mom remembers how her and Caleb would use a secret code with saying I love you. We would blink three times back and forth at each other to say we loved one another. (This started when he was a young toddler.)

Sept 26th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always play magnetics with her and Liahona.

Sept 27th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always share his cars with her.

Sept 28th- Liahona remembers when going hiking summer or winter time as a family or with friends, her and Caleb would always jump into the holes where the trees used to be. Liahona would say 'Wheee' and Caleb would say 'Arrr' when falling into the holes.

Sept 29th- Dad remembers how Caleb did not like germs. And how we wouldn't ever have to remind Caleb to wash his hands because he would always remembers to do it himself, all on his own.

Sept 30th- Tamara remembers that Caleb's favorite kind of chips were Bar-B-Que flavor chips.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Tender Mercies of Comfort From Make A Difference Day

                                   
                                      

Dear Caleb,

We enjoyed serving with you on This Make A Difference Day this year.
As we received each package that came, smiles and joys were brought to our faces and filled our home.
It was so beautiful to see these packages with your name on them. It brought many tears to my eyes and filled my heart with so much love, because we can not give you gifts and packages, but we were able to give and deliver these 70 plus bears to other children in need at the Seattle Children's Hospital. It was a very special experience, which we were grateful to be given to accomplish for you and with you.

Our 24th and 25th this year was extra emotional for we flew out to be with very special friends from Nebraska. We have so much love for this family; we spent Thanksgiving with them, had a few game nights together, enjoyed their company at church and activities... It was one of the very few homes that you never complained to go when I did my visiting teaching because you enjoyed being there and playing with their children.

Their Dad almost always seemed to be home, and I always thought that we were interfering with family time but they were always so gracious to let us in. I now know that this was there gift to have that time to be together, to build those earthy memories, for Heavenly Father knew what the future had yet to reveal. After our accident he was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive illness and our hearts were instantly drawn towards each other. We were both fighting deep grief, and here we are still in this same battle together.  He is serving with you on this extended mission way from his family also. Seeing their family was such a tender moment. I could feel their broken hearts. I could feel their grief. There was a very familiar heaviness that I remember that I had first felt after the accident. Grandma said it's because we have become acquainted with grief. Once you have felt it, there is no way to ignore it's familiarities. It pulls you in, and allows the broken hearts to connect with each other, to communicate on a deep level then you ever could have before.

It hurt me to watch this family ache from loss, because I knew that I could not do anything about it. No words, no things, no anything could take away that bitter sting they were and are feeling... except for that one, our Savior Jesus Christ. How I wanted to take that pain away from them, to take their broken hearts, so they could smile again... because we are already there and know the ache. It's easier for me to handle my own grief and pain because it's mine and I can go at the pace I need to carry it, but to watch my friends, that pained my heart. But from this unfun, unpleasant experience brought about so much knowledge and understanding to them creating and molding them into such admirable individuals. They were so in my eyes from the begin, but now, wow there are no words to describe what the Lord has done. They have learned to become strong, it wasn't something that just was given from day one, they did it together to FIND their strength. And that ultimate strength as we have learned only comes through Christ and his blessings through his atoning sacrifice, making it possible for us to be made clean and to return to our Father in Heaven.

Our Make A Difference Day was taken to a much higher level this year. It's a day to honor loved ones, special and dear friends. We are determined to serve ever more valiantly so that not only will we be able to reunite with you, but our friends will be able to reunite with their daddy as well. Our two families are so determined to serve with you and their Daddy with such strong conviction to help prepare the way for the Second Coming of our Savior Jesus Christ, because he will be bringing the healing in his wings to mend our tender broken hearts

What would we do without our friends that stand by us? That feel on deep levels to connect with our broken hearts? It is just another way that the Lord gives in helping us see his hands, in blessing us with friends that know and feel. How are hearts are very grateful and thankful for his promises.

Love You Caleb,
=)Love Your Mommy