~~We LOVE The Gospel Of Jesus Christ~~

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Thursday, November 24, 2011

A Thankful Heart of Contentment

Dear Caleb,

I want to thank you for the beautiful gift you gave me the 2 days before Thanksgiving, as I was going into Montey's room for another night-tare moment during the night. As I walked past your room and started to walk into Montey's room, in the corner of my eye I saw you playing on your floor with your toys that were left out from your sisters the day before. You were wearing your long t-shirt pajamas and had them pulled over your legs, as you were playing, and I thought to myself, "Oh look Caleb is up playing so quietly with his toys... boy he's such a sweet and considerate child." I took only 2 steps into Montey's room when I realized what I had just saw and what I had just said. I stopped moving forward and quickly ran back towards your room.... but this time you were not there, just your toys that you were playing with. The day before Thanksgiving as we were picking up our home, I told your sisters how you were here, and how important it is for us to leave out some of your toys, because you like to come home to play with them. They all agree that they will do this for you.

Well Caleb, I have finally been able to see glimmers of sun beams shining through these never ending stormy, gloomy clouds. But before this, I was feeling myself fall deeper, and deeper into a depression. I have been unhappy with myself, causing things to be unhappy at home. I was getting so tired of being the problem and causing all the problems. So many people have told me, that you would want me to be happy- but with all honesty I had NO idea how to do that or even know where to start. The idea of living a happy life got knocked out of me like one feels when being punch in the stomach... it just makes it hard to breath and move. I have been going through the emotions as one would live their life; wake up, get out of bed, feed the kids, do school with the kids, make lunch, finish school, do chores, make dinner, go to bed. But I have not truly being 'living.' My mind was set to a certain channel, that I have been living to die. I have given up on almost everything: going, doing, and being what I use to do and be. I have just been letting life hit me as it comes, instead of trying to enjoy the moments of what time I may still have left with our family here on earth.

There was a family, the Jaques family, that came across the plains with the Martin Handcart Pioneers- my feelings are almost identical . On October 17, 1864 John Jaques wrote about the passing of his daughter Rose. "At about 8 o'clock in the morning our poor little darling died. This was a heavy blow to us, as she was a lovely and sensible child and we had fondly hoped that she would live to be a help and comfort and companion to her mother. We both felt that were it not for our boys, we could cheerfully have gone down to the grave with our dear little daughter. When will the resurrection come, that we may have our darling back again?" After Rose was buried two days later, her father felt that all life's beauties had gone with her. "How desolate the house seemed," he wrote, "and the garden and the trees and vines. All their charms seemed to have gone into the grave with our poor darling."

It amazes me that even about 150 years later, the feelings of loss are the same. Everything has been gray, gloomy in my life, everything has been half empty, nothing has brought even a remoteness spark of life back into my limpless life since you returned home. I haven't even allowed myself to try, for all guilt sets in when I think that I might be able to change my thinking to half full. Until just recently......

Right before the Martin Handcart company finally made it to Salt Lake Valley on Sunday November 30, many were still at church. President Brigham Young, the second Latter-day Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, dismissed all to go home and to prepare their homes to help the people that were coming. Brigham Young said, "You know I would give more for a dish of pudding and milk, or a baked potato and salt, were I in their situation of those peoples who have just come in, than I would for all your prayers, though you were to stay here all afternoon and pray. Prayer is good, but when baked potatoes and pudding and milk are needed, prayer will not supply their place on this occasion; give every duty its proper time and place..."

From those words, it got my squeaky, rusty wheels turning again. Helping me to notice that I have only been doing what John Jaques' mentioned, just praying and asking to know when the resurrection will come, so that we may be with you again. Though praying is good as Brigham Young said, yet, everything must be given it's proper time and place; especially with taking better care of the gift of life- for that is what it is, a Gift. We are only here for but a moment. I can not expect to receive a golden ticket home like you, I am expected to work and to be found worthy to receive that even higher gift called eternal life.

It has been very awkward and even uncomfortable at times as I have begun my first steps into the rays of sunbeams, through my ever so dark and gloomy clouds of emotions. There have been several that have mentioned how glad they are to see me happy. I have even found myself singing in the shower and humming while I eat. But it is not happiness they see. For me to be happy again, even to the measure of what I was with you here, can only be obtained later when we are a family forever. But I have found that one can be content with what God has given us. I am content Caleb. I am happier because I have fully allowed God to take control of our families life and path. I can no longer expect to be in control, for I am not; nor was I ever. How weird of me for thinking any differently, but how thankful I am to know in whom I trust. How thankful we are at this Thanksgiving time of year, to be given the gift of contentment.

How we ache for your presence again, the longing is sometimes unbearable, but through Christ, because of Christ, ALL will be made right.... we will see.... all will be made right.

=)Love Your Mommy